


Lizbob Supernatural Watching Notes (season 4)

by lizbobjones



Series: Lizbob Supernatural Watching Notes [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Archived From Tumblr, Fanwork Research & Reference Guides, Meta, Meta Essay, Non Fiction, archived from elizabethrobertajones blog, cross-posted to Tumblr, watching notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-11 23:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 110,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16862194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizbobjones/pseuds/lizbobjones





	1. 4x01

Or: Uh, I guess it’s this episode or whatever? *scratches back of my neck* *tries to look casual* 

* * *

*spends some time wondering about how Dean had that lighter* Was it just all the crap that was in his pockets that he might have been buried with?

I like the idea of Hunters being buried/burned with a lighter in their pocket.

Tiny symbolic cultural thing or something I dunno. He still has his ring and stuff so I’d assume Sam yoinked the Samulet but figured the rest was what he should keep even in death, and that included having a lighter. 

* * *

Filed under: apocalypse scenery porn

I love how all the big trees were knocked over but the tiny blue flowers at his grave were fine.

* * *

Aw Dean’s hands reaching up like he wants someone to help him out. :< 

I love the parallels with stereotypical zombie risings with his initial hand bursting from the ground, but he’s whole and healthy and restored. Just that it uses the horror trope to reveal his resurrection/redemption and has the whole buried alive horror trope before that. Big biblical story, common horror delivery.

That whoosh around to the aerial shot of the trees and grave though. 

Shadows of Dean, a cross, massive cosmic happening all around that levels everything. Such a friggin’ game changer.

* * *

He spends the entire opening segment pulling this weird mouth-breathing face while covered in mud and he’s actually so cute :P

*season 4 nostalgia in full swing*

* * *

Love the continued apocalypse feel of just a completely abandoned world, walking along in a sun-blasted place and coming across this empty but well-stocked gas station…

* * *

Also like how he’s shed all his layers down to the plain t-shirt. Sort of stripped bare, starting over, I dunno.

Ongoing thoughts about his wardrobe: he didn’t wear the leather jacket when he died (he was wearing one of his black jackets?) and he wasn’t buried in it (or resurrected in the exact outfit he died in). I guess Sam probably kept the leather jacket too. Dean does spend the rest of this episode in borrowed Sam clothes; I suppose they just had all his clothes in storage somewhere because he makes a stop at Bobby’s and  ~~only comes out with borrowed Sam wardrobe from something Sam clearly left there but not his own clothes.~~  Changes into some of Bobby’s clothes most likely, then Sam’s clothes when they meet up with Sam - there’s probably a metaphor about his layers of re-assimilation into their lives by wearing their clothes, but he doesn’t fully return to himself yet in any way except for being given back the Samulet.

* * *

Hm. Got to ask where Dean’s old clothes were though.

There is a current Winchester storage locker somewhere out there.

*constantly headcanoning that it exists* :P

(Though I suppose like I mused last time I was distracted by thoughts of it they probably relocated anything they’d keep in it to the Bunker over time? I often wonder about the vinyl records and stuff Dean magically produced when they settled in)

* * *

We get our first mirror-gazing of the episode, with Dean washing his own grave dirt off himself. It seems kinda cleansing and his examination of his body is about seeing himself new and remade: the darker version of this actually looking into his own eyes and evaluating the psychological damage comes later in the episode.

* * *

Hello handprint. :3

Apparently that is enough to make my heart leap.

* * *

[with the ‘could have sworn that happened’ of being clawed up and ‘don’t remember that happening’ of the handprint this seems a lot like Dean waking up after an epic bender, amazed he survived, but deeply confused about his new tattoo he got with a friend he doesn’t remember :P]

* * *

*waves to Cas since he’s watching*

And screwing with all the electronics.

WING 

POSITIVE NO SMOKE.

:’) The most beautiful message on the show.

*Cas explodes everything because my socially awkward fave is and always will be terrible at talking to people*

Including to start with literally just talking at all.

Do you think about how we were introduced to Cas blowing out all these windows and then by season 10 he’s just casually exploding hundreds of doors? Some things never change, not entirely. :P

* * *

Headcanon that Cas made sure that car was there for him, as a very very early precursor to Cas and his car re: dubious choice in cars according to Dean’s “Oh god I crawled out of my grave and you expect me to drive  _that”_  face. :P

* * *

Filed under: apocalypse scenery porn 2

* * *

Always admire Dean’s bravery going to Bobby after he said he’d kill him. :P

Awww Dean uses the “closest thing to a father” line (along with the callback to Dream a Little Dream where that line was first used and the info about Karen was dropped - of course that was the episode which drove home how terrible going to Hell would be for Dean and begs the question at this point of how comes he is  _not_  a demon - well, we don’t know for sure yet but Bobby’s about to test that for us. 

* * *

*squooshy Bobby hug* :’)

(splooshy holy water splash)

* * *

Is Dean’s voice just perpetually lower after being so raspy coming back from the grave?

I feel like I’m actually starting to recognise my Dean now. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> Oh, he got me home okay. But whatever he did, it is bad mojo.
> 
> BOBBY  
> What makes you so sure?
> 
> DEAN  
> You should have seen the grave site. It was like a nuke went off. And then there was this… this force, this presence, I don’t know, but it, it blew past me at a fill-up joint. And then this. 
> 
> [dramatic handprint reveal]
> 
> BOBBY  
> What in the hell?

Hehe, not Hell you should be asking about Bobby :P

*still sobbing about how powerful Cas once was that he was a small-scale natural disaster wherever he went*

* * *

I guess Dean has changed into some of Bobby’s clothes? It’s a neutral bland brown shirt which is never his colour - he ends up in Sam’s brown jacket later in the episode and basically Dean is in brown from grave dirt or borrowed clothes the whole episode when he never normally wears it.

(Well I mean the leather jacket is brown but that doesn’t count :P)

* * *

Hey Ruby 2.0, looking good. :D

I do think it’s probably about as subtle as wing positive no smoke that the door has a red <3 on it for the occupants.

Nice save with the pizza thing. She’s so quick on her feet and it doesn’t surprise me at all after her reactions to Sam’s questions last episode to deflect questions that could have implicated her working for Lilith.

Sam shows up bathed in doomy red light. Hm, I wonder who is going to be flirting with damnation all season.

Especially right now when Dean thinks that he did a deal.

* * *

 _Seriously,_  any improv group AU has got to include Ruby.

… I don’t know how common those are but it’s a crime to leave her out of them.

* * *

She just wanted a chance to make Sam look like a dick in front of Dean and Bobby by making him look like he forgot her name. It does make Sam look like even more of a jerk to women even than Dean (seeing as he pointlessly remembers the bios of all the random women he chats up for info and their names and stuff, since he likes recounting all the cute details he remembers to Sam later… I’m just saying, probably Dean is a great listener on a date. Holding eye contact and remembering every detail of your life story while distracting you with his smile because he’s shoving breadsticks in his pocket for the moment you finally tell him the one piece of plot relevant info he was after and he can bolt…)

* * *

Er anyway I was going to say something about Sam symbolically being made into a more Dean like person with this first impression and how he’s wearing the Samulet through all this.

I have remembered why I personally took against that pink shirt - he wears it in this scene and now it’s his turn to look sort of objectionable thanks to the framing and Ruby’s best efforts to slight his character. :P

* * *

He shuts the door on her and there’s one more reminder of the little love heart on it.

* * *

Aw man, and here we have the first break in Sam: 

> SAM  
> I tried everything. That’s the truth. I tried opening the Devil’s Gate. Hell, I tried to bargain, Dean, but no demon would deal, all right? You were rotting in Hell for months. For months, and I couldn’t stop it. So I’m sorry it wasn’t me, all right? Dean, I’m sorry. 

The fact Dean wasn’t brought back with a lack of trying on Sam’s part. He ordered his life by it for a few months, and then suddenly Dean is back and something else did it. I’ve seen a fair few meta posts floating the idea Sam (probably not wholly deliberately) took against Cas a bit for that which is part of why their friendly relationship took so long to get off the ground. (Also all the myth arc interruptions to it.) Obviously there’s all the faith stuff and Heaven being awful to Sam and so on - but there’s still also that on the personal side along with any huger plot concerns between them.

*Bobby looking pretty troubled in the background* Worrying about what actually saved Dean, or expressing private concern about how messed up the Winchesters are? :P I still remember how upset he was after Dean sold his soul - seeing their back and forth on this subject over the episode has got to be opening his eyes to how this is some sort of systematic emotional damage they have. 

* * *

> SAM  
> Well, once I figured out I couldn’t save you, I started hunting down Lilith, trying to get some payback.
> 
> BOBBY  
> All by yourself. Who do you think you are, your old man?

Starting off the season with some nice on the nose parallels. :P Sam doesn’t deny it, just apologises for not calling. Of course it’s the Winchester way - drop off the radar to obsessively hunt a demon that killed a family member.

The fact that it’s just so casually dropped this early in the season though… Sam’s got a long way to go and his disappearance over the summer being suggested as  _only_  a John-like revenge quest as a cover for a much much darker journey is probably the actual alarming part. :P

* * *

> BOBBY  
> How you feelin’, anyway?
> 
> DEAN  
> I’m a little hungry.
> 
> BOBBY  
> No, I mean, do you feel like yourself? Anything strange, or different?
> 
> DEAN  
> Or demonic? Bobby, how many times do I have to prove I’m me?

Oh MAN, them worrying that DEAN is the one who might have become demonically altered. Which was a real fear! Literally. And he’s going to start checking his eyes soon. And as this season goes on the effect Hell had on him is going to creep out… 

Anyway, I included the line about Dean being hungry because humanity = food when it comes to Dean and his various interactions with Hell. He comes back hungry, and human. He’s unaffected by hunger with Famine. The whole cheeseburger thing in Carver Era from escaping Purgatory through to 9x23. So, I’m officially marking this as the start of the theme, and ending the thematic connection between Dean and burgers from season 3 to mean his impending death, since that’s not an issue any more. :P

* * *

> SAM  
> Hey Dean, what was it like?
> 
> DEAN  
> What, Hell? I don’t know, I, I must have blacked it out. I don’t remember a damn thing.
> 
> SAM  
> Well, thank God for that.
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah.

Aaand here we have the other side of the lying arc for the season. :P To be fair, Sam’s lying is kind of terrifying and plot important and brings about the apocalypse and Dean’s is that he’s massively traumatised and self-loathing and possibly hasn’t even managed to piece everything that happened in Hell back into a coherent narrative yet - I don’t think he even COULD have talked about it properly yet. This is a major part of his arc of the season though, building to being super plot relevant for 4x16, even if it’s mostly his cross to bear and only serves as a way to continue driving wedges between them this season. 

Within the episode it’s used as the last lines before cutting to Dean’s negative mirror-gazing. If at the gas station it was a sort of rebirth reflection, the preceding scene with Sam and Bobby basically served to ask “yeah but reborn as what?” which is what Dean is now asking himself after telling Bobby he’s fine and Sam he doesn’t remember anything.

Such a red room, and dark: associations of Hell again. Basically somehow another descent. Dean stares very closely into his own eyes and remembers flashes of Hell: the fact he’s checking for it in his eyes makes this baby’s first paranoid demon eyes check. They grow up so fast. :(

* * *

Cut to Dean’s delight at being back in the Impala. :D

Do you find it hilarious that Sam on his dark descent over the summer still found time to buy an ipod, load it with inoffensive music, and drive around with seething revenge on his mind listening to said playlist?

It’s just… angry loud rock music that Dean likes is much better suited to the revenge mission mindset. I’m sorry Sam. You’re not even that great at being darkside. :P

* * *

Sam just casually tells Dean that Ruby is probably dead and that he’s not using his powers.

DEAN is the one who asked about both, and I’m reminding myself that in 3x16 Dean walked in on Ruby telling Sam he should use his powers to kill Lilith and then in 4x01 Dean rolls back into town to find that Sam is hunting down Lilith - saying that he was immune to her smiting powers pretty much immediately triggers the association in Dean’s brain. Obviously his death is the last day he has in his mind so even with the intervening 40 years, scratching back all his human memories on Earth, this is where he left off. 

> SAM  
> Nothing, Dean. Look, you didn’t want me to go down that road, so I didn’t go down that road. It was practically your dying wish.

Uh.

* * *

I always get the urge to punch something when Bobby greets Pamela by saying she’s a sight for sore eyes. That’s in-episode 100% intentional dramatic irony and it hurts. :P

* * *

Hehe, Dean’s you are NOT invited panic. 

But real talk, it’s depressing that he is kind of looking forward to the potential of a hook up as something to ground him/bring him back/reward him for surviving/I dunno, and then Pamela goes and gets hurt and makes it all a million times more serious and takes fun hook ups off the table. Season 3 started with Dean having hook ups (and a threesome to boot though obvs Dean is not interested in this one :P) as a coping mechanism and to probably distract himself from his pending damnation. Now he’s back he is being pushed past that mindset by events of the narrative - aside from Anna, which was a very emotional needs hook up I don’t think we really see him hook up with anyone for a couple of seasons?

Just interesting to think that the link back to 3x01 is there with Pamela’s counter offer and how Dean rejects it and then the story rejects even his possibility of a one-on-one hook up. Pamela is introduced as fun and casual and playful, and treats the main plot the same way (being cute about getting a peek at the thing that dragged Dean out of Hell without seeming to weigh the dangers of that, and paying a price for not turning away when she says she isn’t scared of Castiel). A whole lot of casual fun being rejected here. The frivolous fun feeling in this intro makes us like Pamela a whole lot but also basically sets up a whole lot of things which are not happening for various reasons and the crushing weight of the dramatic reveal at the end of the episode is the reason: these are the last fun moments before the weight of the apocalypse arc really falls on them - it takes until the end of next episode really with that talk in the kitchen in Dean’s dream, but this is the emotional set up.

*says someone currently writing a whole book that is the equivalent of this scene before intending to crush all my characters’ feelings beneath my heel* :P

* * *

> PAMELA  
> And I need to touch something our mystery monster touched.
> 
> PAMELA slides her hand along DEAN’S inner thigh. He jumps.
> 
> DEAN  
> Whoa. Well, he didn’t touch me there.
> 
> PAMELA  
> My mistake.

*stares directly into the camera*

Honestly I want Destiel to go canon just so all the totally ironic lines from before we met Cas make everyone laugh the same way they make a shipper laugh. :P Gonna chalk this up to Pamela being psychic and just wander off giggling now.

* * *

Sam didn’t seem to know about the handprint, since he’s so freaked out by the sight of it, and looks to Bobby. Just one more little thing Dean didn’t share with him, but he DID share with Bobby.

* * *

Aw Pamela no. :( 

Awkwardstiel from later seasons would probably show up and bring her grapes and flowers in hospital and be totally grumpy about why he was supposed to do it but know he had to and feel sorry enough to want to. 

I mean Cas DID warn her and she peeked anyway so it’s not really his  _fault_  if she was summoning him.

* * *

> DEAN  
> We got a name. Castiel, or whatever. 

Play it cool, Dean. Play it cool. “Yeah Castiel or whatever. He has nice hair and smells like rain. I mean so I heard.  _Whatever_.”

* * *

I love hearing Dean talk about him. :P

* * *

Heheh, the waitress demon just sitting down at their table all presumptuously.

Sam and Dean are officially the worst at picking diners.

* * *

> DEMON WAITRESS  
> So you get to just stroll out of the pit, huh? Tell me. What makes you so special?
> 
> DEAN  
> I like to think it’s because of my perky nipples. I don’t know. Wasn’t my doing, I don’t know who pulled me out.

Filed under the ongoing hilarious unintentional Destiel subtext of 4x01 where everyone treats it like a massive joke. 

It’s not even in a hugely sexually threatening way like implying this mysterious Castiel violated Dean or anything in the same way they often talk about other dark forces in a very violating way (compare some of the things said about Sam and Lucifer in season 5 for example even just in the innuendo - this sense of this episode being less bad might be because of how much more bad it gets mixed with hindsight that obviously Cas would never have done anything to Dean): Pamela is flirting with Dean for herself when she touches him, and the joke comes as a reaction to the context of the conversation, and Dean not wanting to be groped in front of everyone despite their flirting: it’s all in context with Pamela and not actually a reflection on what they even  _think_  of Cas: she wasn’t implying he did, only continuing their interaction from earlier, and Dean turns it into a comment on not being touched (plenty to say about Dean being felt up by Pamela and reacting with a literal knee-jerk reaction after all that time in Hell and how these jokes are reflecting outwards in a harmless way the new sexual trauma he’s brought back with him: he’s cool with Pamela until she touches him without warning and then he knees the table in his alarm).

Anyway, earlier Dean said something “rode him out” which is also suggestive language, but he’s the one venturing it, and though it’s got an innuendo in it, it also suggests he’s wondering if he was temporarily possessed and anyway the words are coming from his mouth (and though Dean doesn’t remember getting out, I don’t think he’d be joking about it if he really thought he’d been abused on the way out and most of this comes from his mouth). Now Dean is joking about the choice to rescue him from Hell being made because he’s sexy, but again, words from his mouth, making fun of the situation. There’s no dark implications of actual sexual assault falling from anyone’s mouth… Possibly because the writers knew it was an angel walking into the picture, and wanted to have at least a little respect in case thunderbolts from the blue are an actual problem to people writing sacrilege :P

* * *

OMG this scene involves totally uneaten pie. The demon interrupts them before they can eat, so once again Dean does not get his pie when they walk out and he mockingly pays her for it.

I think him being willing to slap around the demon to prove she won’t hurt him is possibly meant to be the first actual indicator of Dean coming back a little more dark and vicious than before, BUT last episode he threw the first punch with Ruby so could just be his normal issues. I think it’s more about his confidence here: in the moment he’s pretty stone cold scary, even if he has a massive exhale when the scene catches up to him outside.

Though Sam says he’s been killing a lot of demons, Dean cautions him against it saying he’s the smarter brother (heh, go Dean’s self esteem). He evaluated the situation accurately in the diner and stopped Sam fighting, learned and tested his hypothesis, and now having seen how the demons all feel about it he feels there’s something bigger afoot that even a diner full of demons isn’t worth the effort and won’t be a problem to them immediately, which he all weighs into his risk assessment of the situation.

(Of course Sam goes and gung-ho wanders off to confront them anyway, so that’s 3 episodes in a row with Sam doing a thing when Dean told him not to because of more thought-out reasons while Sam was barrelling into a situation.)

* * *

The best part of the apocalypse is Dean x books.

Another reflected ceiling mirror shot. The gold sofa is similar to the gold bedspreads in 3x04 which introduced some heavy angel subtext/just outright said the word angels like they were a thing, and also featured a lot of these upside down shots and mirror shots.

See also: red light creeping over Dean while he sleeps (he’s out of the fire and into the frying pan, as Pamela said, but just because he’s been saved doesn’t mean it’s not still haunting him).

The autumn leaf pattern is similar to the one on the wall in Bela’s hotel room where Dean confronted her before she died.

Sam leaves bathed in yellow light: red is hell in general, yellow demons, I guess. He’s off to fight them and meet Ruby.

Meanwhile Cas comes to say hi.

Loudly.

Dean looks up to see his reflection shattering.

* * *

Aaand Sam and Dean lie to each other, Dean countering Sam’s lie with one of his own. 

Point of order: Dean knows he has the demon-killing knife (probably swiped from Sam? They haven’t actually fought any demons yet) so what does he think Sam’s going to do if he’s suspicious of where Sam is!? It’s also an early warning for us that if Dean has the knife and Sam is sitting outside the diner than his plan does not actually involve the knife.

> DEAN  
> Bobby, whatever this is, whatever it wants, it’s after me. That much we know, right? I’ve got no place to hide. I can either get caught with my pants down again, or we can make our stand.

Now this one is allll just unintentional hilarity.

* * *

Dean says Sam is better off where he is and we cut to Sam sneaking into the diner right after we had the reminder he doesn’t have the knife.

FORTUNATELY this turns into Sam discovering the demons are all dead via smiting.

Well, not all dead.

Scary eyes burned out demon.

She sobs about it being the end which, like, sounds scary for 4 more minutes until we find out who it really is.

*Sam goes BAMF mind exorcism mode*

Eep.

He sure pulls some scary faces in season 4.

* * *

Hey Ruby!

 _COSMIC_.

Yeeeeah.

I love how scared she is of what it could possibly could be. She genuinely doesn’t seem to know, or is too scared to venture the opinion of what it might be. She’s “only” middle ages old, so demons are still like over a thousand years before her time.

* * *

Hello barn, site of my complete emotional unravelling.

I know this scene  _backwards_.

How to make friends: the Dean Winchester way.

* * *

The diner becomes way more sinister with all that red light from the designs on the window.

> RUBY  
> Sam, he’s going to find out, and if it’s not from you he’s going to be pissed. 

Ruby being the one to tell Sam not to keep on lying to Dean, or at least, advising him to be upfront.

*it’s things like this which are why I have trust issues*

No but seriously, taking a moral high ground to tell Sam he shouldn’t conceal things from Dean A: makes Sam feel like she must be right about this, B: makes her look more trustworthy on general other moral issues that may come up in future if she has a history of arguing to do what sounds like the right thing and C: for the entire time Sam continues to not tell Dean it’s emphatically his decision and not hers, see also: every step of the way, didn’t need the feather to fly, etc etc.

Have another gratuitous screenshot while I’m here. :P

* * *

*twiddles thumbs waiting for Cas*

*Cas actually knocks*

Or summons a small hurricane behind him.

He’s not SO bad at doors here? He could have exploded the whole thing but it just sort of pushed inwards with the force of his presence. :P

*sits with my chin in my hands and a goofy smile on my face through the whole first encounter*

Always amused that Bobby just seems to be coming at Cas with some sort of lead piping or something mundane before Cas stops him? Maybe I should rewatch and check - for some reason my eyes are never on Bobby in that part. :P

* * *

Cas seemed taller to start with but then we have Dean kneeling and looking up at him because of unconcious Bobby, which I think is very intentional framing to have Dean kneeling when Cas says “I’m an angel of the Lord” and then Dean stands up and makes himself on a proper eyeline again to deny that, and then Cas tells him he has no faith like woah okay there symbolism. :P

This is so intense. :D

I love how Dean just shrugs off the wings reveal with like “lol but you hurt Pamela so clearly you are still a fraud”

Like pfft anything could summon thunder and lightning to display a giant wingspan.

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> That was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong.

I like the way he says that - he’s not judging Dean or anything, just like, whoops, misjudged the situation. Coming back around for another pass now. (I like that he still did 2 fly-bys just in case.) But it’s not the sense of Cas admitting to being wrong later either where it’s making him doubt or become uncertain about what he’s doing. Just a statement of fact.

* * *

The tiny hint of affection in his voice when he references Jimmy being a devout man who prayed for it: just a sense of his gratitude to borrow his body. Argh. 

* * *

I’m sure everyone has written so many essays on Dean’s ongoing suspicion about why an angel would rescue him from Hell, like, to the casual observer that sounds like a very obvious statement, that angels go around saving people, specifically from Hell, and yet in their world that Dean understands it’s an impossibility.

And the awfulness of Cas saying that good things happen: his utter faith that God HAS commanded it (and that God is even involved at all) and that this is obviously the right thing to do, oblivious to the complexity and horror behind all these statements he makes about the mission. 

But also that way his eyes soften as he does his squinty try and work Dean out thing and comes to the realisation that Dean doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. Just… Getting it immediately where it comes to Dean - trying to puzzle him out just as much as Dean is needing a lot of explanation on what’s going on with Cas. Just… *sobbing* Dean has been set up for this for like two seasons with his battle with faith, and now it’s personified in Cas, and the exchange is just perfect to kick the two of them off on this epic character arc. :’)


	2. 4x02

This episode is mostly housekeeping for the plot/characters/whatever but that’s kind of why I like it. :P

* * *

Plus, alternate intro showing all the people that  _die_  instead of the people the save or the monsters they kill: basically, a total subversion of the normal heroic montage at the start to show generic day in the life of Winchesters without looking at the darker side of it.

* * *

Aw bye random hunter (Olivia). :( You were only here for 3 seconds but you clearly lived a life and made yourself a home and had a pretty neat set up for yourself. Clearly, even well-adjusted hunters have bad hunts in their past, and even those who seem to be safe and secure with a typical looking home are susceptible to be killed. No more happy endings yadda yadda.

(This theme came up again with Rufus in literally the last Gamble episode - she’s really carrying on a theme :P)

Random thought: why  _didn’t_  Rufus die? Or was this spell kind of at random? I don’t know if it was intended to purge  _all_  hunters or just the ones Lilith knew about - probably any who’d had run ins with demons in the past or otherwise got themselves on the radar. Because the witnesses only needed to rise literally anywhere and the spell was already done and the seal broken: all they achieved at the end was stopping any more death because of it.

Maybe Rufus just effectively warded off the ghosts until Bobby did the spell. :3 

Anyway, this is Lilith doing some housekeeping in-universe too, whittling down the opposition a little, so that her plans are less likely to be interrupted. 

* * *

Bobby is emphatically not doing housekeeping, since he has dragged out  _more_  books. :P

* * *

This is one of those episodes where I actually really really like the title as a part of it. It flashes up on screen as Dean is starting his long grouse about the existence of angels. 

[From Superwiki](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3D4.02_Are_You_There%2C_God%253F_It%2527s_Me%2C_Dean_Winchester&t=MGI4ZjEwNWZkNzNmYmE5NjAwNjE2ZGFjZDc5ODQxNTdiNDc4OTE0NSxJR2NicDhxNA%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F124615789593%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x02-this-episode-is-mostly&m=1), some notes on the title of the episode:

> The title of the episode, “Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester,” is a reference to  _[Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FAre_You_There_God%253F_It%2527s_Me%2C_Margaret&t=ODI3YTcwOWEzZjQzNmZkNmVhY2M4N2I2MzkxMWM3NDRmMTYwMzg5ZSxJR2NicDhxNA%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F124615789593%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x02-this-episode-is-mostly&m=1) by Judy Blume. Published in 1970, it followed a young girl’s exploration of her spirituality, as she also deals with the other matters of adolescence like getting her period and her search for identity. The title may also be in reference to the cartoon The Venture Bros. season 1 episode 9 [“Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean”](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FAre_You_There%2C_God%253F_It%2527s_Me%2C_Dean&t=NmRiYWU4YzkxYWEwMDE5NzFmYWQ1YWE4MzFiYmFjZmFlNmFkMmE3MCxJR2NicDhxNA%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F124615789593%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x02-this-episode-is-mostly&m=1), an obvious reference to the work cited above. The Venture Bros. is also a show that [Ben Edlund](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DBen_Edlund&t=ZDE5MGFkMGVkMTEwNDQ0OTg2YWJmZDEyYjU3ZTkyNmE0N2JhMWM2YyxJR2NicDhxNA%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F124615789593%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x02-this-episode-is-mostly&m=1) has contributed scripts to._

Though really I just like that it’s posing the question at all (since that’s going to be an actual plot point in season 5) and right in the here and now Dean, despite his conversation with Cas, is full on rejecting that anything that just happened to him meant what it seemed on the surface (referring back to my comment about how the truth as Cas presented it about God commanding Dean to be resurrected actually  _is_  wonky and again begs the question of the title). The others are pretty sure it was an angel if it said it was because that seems pretty likely given the circumstances.

Dean’s faith has been a focus enough times we know that he is extremely dubious on the whole good things do happen front when it comes to religion, and he’s only going to sadly get proven right as the myth arc unfolds, with 4x22 and Zach’s speech revealing Heaven’s complicity in the apocalypse to him sort of bookending this season’s journey. So, asking the question right now as the season opens sets us up on that other emotional arc Dean is on that covers the whole season, and has its roots back in those early episodes like Faith and Houses of the Holy. 

> DEAN  
> Look, all I know is I was not groped by an angel.   
>   
> SAM  
> Okay, look, Dean. Why do you think this Castiel would lie to you about it? 

Okay now Dean knows what Cas looks like and who he says he is this is getting much funnier and 4x01 was funny enough. :P Dean of course changing “touched by an angel” to something much more suggestive - a callback to Pamela groping him? Dean trying desperately to fend off Destiel subtext? I dunno :P

Dean is angrily arguing that something terrible has probably happened to him and that Cas is bad news, literally just because he can’t cope with the idea, meanwhile Sam seems pretty intrigued by the idea and is arguing that it absolutely could be.

Meanwhile, Bobby off in the corner is doing actual hard research to come up with a convincing argument that has  _evidence._

* * *

Dean is wearing what I think is a new brown shirt for him and doesn’t look like it was taken from anyone’s personal wardrobe so he’s clearly made a stop to buy at least, like, a new toothbrush, razor, and underpants to last a few days until he can go get the rest of his stuff from wherever it was stashed? Pending seeing him wearing any of his old clothes in this episode. I know they exist because he’s already worn plaid in seasons 1-3 I recognise from further down the line, and he and Sam don’t trade significant items of clothing very often. 

(I wonder if in a less costumed for TV world they would casually trade clothes more often just because they’re not too wildly different in size where shirts are concerned, and laundry days are much more of a concern when you don’t have a costume department doing it all for you. On the other hand there might be a pretty good point to make about them keeping their personal wardrobe normally quite strictly separated despite how Sam’s shirts can’t possible be  _that_ offensive to Dean’s tastes or vice versa, for the sake of maintaining what tiny boundaries and sense of personhood as they can.)

* * *

Forever laughing at this Destiel fanart tbh.

* * *

I like how when Bobby shows them that picture, Dean puts a hand on his own shoulder.

And by like I mean I’m sobbing.

* * *

> SAM  
> Because for once, this isn’t just another round of demon crap. I mean, maybe you were saved by one of the good guys, you know?  
>   
> DEAN  
> Okay. Say it’s true. Say there are angels. Then what? There’s a God? 

*points to the title of the episode* 

Dean goes into angry defensive mode, lashing out with the stuff he  _didn’t_  say when Cas was peering directly into his soul earlier that week:

> DEAN  
> I mean, I’ve saved some people, okay? I figured that made up for the stealing and the ditching chicks. But why do I deserve to get saved? I’m just a regular guy. 
> 
> SAM  
> Apparently, you’re a regular guy that’s important to the man upstairs. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence he uses “deserve” in there. They’re basically going over what Cas said again, but with Sam and Bobby first offering him proof/counter arguments to suggest Cas really was an angel, and then to repeat his exact same point about Dean being singled out and saved. The slant of the conversation with Sam turns to sort of making a slight distinction between deserving to be saved and God having a purpose for him: he could be a regular guy with nothing super special in his heart that makes him too speshul for Hell, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t someone who has a very specific purpose anyway. Dean is rightly creeped out. The concept is not so much of a loving God already, even from the others arguing that there could be one, but a practical or purposeful God instead, dispassionately picking on people to save because they’re too useful to have in Hell.

Which is basically how it ends up being. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> You’re gonna get me some pie. 

Did they go away over the hiatus and find out that Dean x pie was a fandom thing? I think it was 2x21 which really made it into a thing for the fandom if I’m remembering some idle research I did once upon a time correctly, but now it’s happened twice in 2 episodes, which is how you make these connections clear. :P

… “When have I ever forgotten the pie.” Since, as I once rambled about long ago in this rewatch, the Winchesters always work in opposition to each other, establishing Dean officially in canon as Pie Dude now means that Sam must be given an opposing role in the story. He is henceforth doomed to be a force between Dean and pie, always and forever.

I wish I was even joking a little, but this is literally the way their entire relationship is written shrunk down into one metaphor.

* * *

> RUBY  
> Not much. I’ve never met one, and I don’t really want to. All I know is that they scare the holy hell out of me. Watch yourself, Sam.  
>   
> SAM  
> I’m not scared of angels. 

Holy hell. Heh. :P Angels and demons. 

But yeah, probably just random phrasing but I still think of the [Moss-troll Problem](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.sfwa.org%2F2010%2F01%2Fthe-moss-troll-problem%2F&t=ZTBlNTljMzVkYmIxZDYzYzNmOThhMDc4YWU2NGVjZmI5ODc1ZjYyZSxJR2NicDhxNA%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F124615789593%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x02-this-episode-is-mostly&m=1) where in this case Ruby’s language implies Hell literally is holy to her since she’s now probably more on the Lucifer raising bandwagon than she was last season (mostly because I honestly don’t know if that was even a thing they were contemplating last season and what I am learning from this rewatch is that everyone has their own different and contradictory headcanons for Ruby’s loyalty or ways to explain it or fill in the gaps in canon or whatever based on all our hindsight. Because even in hindsight, this is  _murky_  as she shows up to be generically evil and mysterious much of the time and never reveals her full motivations until the veeery end, and all along the way the plot is shifting and changing based on much wider whims than concerns for consistent Ruby characterisation. But since we have hindsight I’m doing my best to claw it all back into place, and so for now she’s definitely planning to raise Lucifer in 20 episodes :P)

* * *

Huh, after Dean drove pretty much exclusively for season 2 and 3, of course Sam had the Impala for Dean’s death, and he took it last episode and for the run to the store so Dean just lets him take it for chores now.

Having them a bit more equal for a while? Dean still makes him scoot over to drive for a long time :P

* * *

Hunter-specific deaths: they’re figuring out their kind is dying. It’s  _like_  a family/hereditary disease in that it’s only affecting their “kin” and this gives the audience the immediate sense that this is going to latch onto them as well.

* * *

Sam drives them into the gas station and Dean is asleep in the front seat with his head leaning out the window and it’s actually pretty adorable. :3 More temporary brother equality (I dunno how it’s going to be once the lies start bubbling out?) so Sam is allowed to drive here and there and Dean even trusts him so far as to sleep.

* * *

Sam washing his hands. We don’t see him look in the mirror until it’s already frosted over and his reflection is obscured. Like, he’s looking down at his hands and doesn’t physically look up until the ghost effects are obvious.

The ongoing pattern not just of Dean being the one who looks in mirrors and we see his reflection but we see him actually looking at himself and being caught in moments of self-reflection, which don’t happen to Sam. 100% guaranteed if this was a Dean scene he’d have been moodily checking himself out before the mirror frosted over.

* * *

> SAM Look, if we’d known Lilith was coming –  
>   
> HENRIKSEN  
> You wouldn’t have left half a dozen innocent people in that police station to die in your place. You did this to me. It was your fault. She was after you, and I paid the price. You left us there to die!

It’s interesting that Victor picks on Sam to approach (or rather, that they made Dean be the one asleep and Sam have the confrontation :P) especially since Victor thought Sam was Dean’s “half-wit little brother” for most of the time he knew of them, and bonded exclusively with Dean including fighting beside him but not literally back to back with Sam in Jus in Bello, and so this is probably their longest solo interaction (even in the conversation when both were in the prison cell Dean did all the talking and all Victor’s attention was on him).

The story of that episode was, on Sam’s part, not listening to Ruby (as she made a huge emphasis on pointing out in the final scene, basically forcing them to accept at least some guilt on the matter) and doing her vicious cut out the heart of a virgin spell to save everyone by killing the demons (on the other hand those demons being dead would have had nothing to do with Lilith who showed up later so their safety was  _not_  guaranteed after the exorcism/sacrifice by either method) - and like with in 3x16 where Ruby was telling him to use his powers to kill Lilith, Sam seriously considered it as the option, but in the end capitulated and listened to Dean’s “human” morality on it.

Basically, another reminder of the moral choices Sam makes this season being cast as doing the extreme decisions that he would not have done with Dean’s input but he has learned are the choices which would actually have saved people and averted various horrible ends if only someone (him) had been willing to make the moral compromises and take a stance, because the impression he gets of Dean’s input is that people (and especially Dean) die, while extreme magic and sacrifice appears to be a method that will save people with all the told you sos Ruby had. His own powers are used to exorcise quickly and efficiently and leave the victim of the possession alive, and so he’s getting with every exorcism a repeat of that type of morality’s worth. 

(Of course this is a  _super important_  thing to look at and how it’s stretched from at least season 3, because of what Sam does in 4x22.)

I don’t remember if Lilith is controlling which victims specifically appear to them (?), but it’s super interesting that this is the one that would affect Sam most when he comes to chew him out, given he and Victor were barely acquaintances. Everything about it is tying into his wider issues which mostly are focussed on not being able to save Dean from going to Hell, but had their narrative mirrors to give him other examples to look to.

So the fact he died by Lilith’s hand is really just a bonus to drive him onwards in his revenge arc rather than him picking Victor specifically BECAUSE it was Lilith who killed him and that needs avenging because he and Dean both died the same way, I think.

* * *

I like how Dean wakes up and just immediately senses something’s up with Sam and comes running into the bathroom with a shotgun.

* * *

Aw no Bobby being home alone in a house full of ghost noises is baaaad.

*refers you to the ongoing theme of Bobby being attacked in his own home, so far from Dream a Little Dream and then in a couple more episodes to come.* 

Why didn’t he go into his panic room?

* * *

Oh the girls grabbed him and hid him from Sam. Guess he never had a chance to go down there.

* * *

I don’t think we’ve ever spent this much time in Bobby’s house aside from that episode? I feel like we’re really seeing more of the set for the first time? 

May not be the same wall re-papered but there’s definitely a feeling of Dream’s tree-lined corridor here:

especially as it’s more Dean looking down a corridor and then being confronted with something.

Meg, in this case. 

She actually kinda sounds like demon!Meg when she first says hi. She’s a lot more bitter than when she was trying to help them as she died.

Pretty sure demon!Meg picked her for the sass.

* * *

There’s a really nice window seat behind her. I now love the idea of any of my faves sitting on it reading.

* * *

> MEG  
> No, you didn’t think! I kept waiting, praying! I was trapped in there screaming at you! “Just help me, please!” You’re supposed to help people, Dean. Why didn’t you help me?

Gyaaaah. If Victor was designed to upset Sam properly before he died, then Meg is saying all the right things to torment Dean. She was the first real collateral damage with a face and a name (the teacher who died to save Dean in Faith not being someone he ever interacted with). Later that episode Dean shot another demon and killed the meatsuit, but Meg he tried to save after she was hurt (and he hurt her) in the course of the specific revenge main plot. Again, lack of knowledge and inexperience and all sorts come into play - never mind her random demon friend shot her with the fake Colt so she was already wandering around with a bullet wound on top of the fall from the window that they definitely didn’t cause.

(And demon!Meg commanded the daevas and never lost control of them, so them throwing her out of the window was just a stunt to lead her to John, maybe kind of forced by the fact they upended the altar so she’d have to act like she lost control of them? I dunno. Demon!Meg did it. :P)

But this is how guilt works: it doesn’t matter how much Dean  _didn’t_  do, he still feels like he’s responsible for saving people, because that’s how he grew up. And so people dying in front of him become his burden.

> MEG  
> No… You just attacked. Did you ever think there was a girl in here? No. You just charged in, slashing and burning. You think you’re some kind of hero?  
>   
> DEAN  
> No, I don’t. 

*sobs*

It’s a tiny line but here’s the first real look at how Dean feels about himself post-Hell. I do honestly feel like it takes him a few weeks to start to remember properly and really put it all together but he definitely came out of hell knowing what he did in the broad strokes, and at this point his self-esteem re: being the saving people guy is completely gone thanks to what he did in Hell. Look back through the early seasons to see him idolising hunting as their family tradition, being more on the saving people hero thing than John ever was, and how he sort of had an idealised view of hunters in general as superheroes (his childhood impression at least). All gone. :<

* * *

> MEG  
> It wasn’t just me, Dean. I had a sister. A little sister. She worshipped me. You know how little siblings are, right? How they’ll do anything for you. She was never the same after I disappeared. She just… she just got lost. And when my body was lying in the morgue beat-up and broken…   
> Do you know what that did to her? She killed herself! (kicks Dean in the stomach) Because of you, Dean! Because all you were thinking about was your family, your revenge, and your demons! 50 words of Latin a little sooner, and I’d still be alive. My baby sister would still be alive. That blood is on your hands, Dean! 

I am guessing there’s nothing here to suggest Sam is not okay since Dean died. :P 

* * *

Okay, good use of iron etc Dean, very smart blah blah but can we talk about Bobby having a completely empty room down his hall with nothing in it, and iron light fixtures? Dean knew that was there - he backed off all the way into the room and got Meg to stand in the right spot before he ever looked up or raised the gun.

Can see an old empty picture frame, rolled up rug, a random chair, some other furniture stacked behind Dean maybe…

I feel from the dustiness of the floor this is a room no one goes in much, and considering how cluttered Bobby’s house is, you’d think he’d turn it into a library or something if he has time to make a panic room over a quiet summer.

Bobby’s house: full of quiet dusty rooms no one goes in any more, full of empty reminders and packed away possessions.

Theory: this room was something to do with Karen, or at least associated with her too strongly in Bobby’s mind to avoid the association when he went in here.

Headcanon: it’s been empty the entire time the boys have known him, and when they were lil kids they ran around his house sometimes and were kind of scared of this room. Maybe they played hide and seek or something. Maybe Sam was freaked out by it so Dean went and sat in it to prove it wasn’t scary, and ended up feeling kind of creeped out by it anyway. But he stayed in there long enough to look all around and learn the fixtures. Probably had a few weird nightmares about Bobby’s house that helped cement this room in his memory. 

Maybe Bobby got irrationally upset when he found out they’d been playing in there. I don’t know. :P

Things not to think about: season 7 showing Bobby’s house slowly emptying out in his death episode and this room already metaphorically representing the beginning of that decay.

* * *

Have I ever mentioned that I am actually a sad Bobby blog disguised as a Destiel blog? Legit the only thing that has ever made me cry on this show is Bobby’s death episode.

…

Twice.

* * *

Has… Bobby actually said idjit yet until now?

It’s definitely happened at last. :P

* * *

Query: is the trap on the floor of the panic room the same one that shows up in the Bunker’s dungeon? Like, re-used set? Or just superficially similar design? Either way it’s definitely reminiscent of. Bobby was onto something. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> See, this is why I can’t get behind God.  
>   
> SAM  
> What are you talking about?  
>   
> DEAN  
> If he doesn’t exist, fine. Bad crap happens to good people. That’s how it is. There’s no rhyme or reason – just random, horrible, evil – I get it, okay. I can roll with that. But if he is out there, what’s wrong with him? Where the hell is he while all these decent people are getting torn to shreds? How does he live with himself? You know, why doesn’t he help?  
>   
> BOBBY  
> I ain’t touching this one with at 10-foot pole. 

lol Bobby. Good in a crisis, not good for an  _existential_  crisis.

This is pretty much a repeat of Dean’s issues with Faith  _from_  faith (plus HotH) but with the slant that now the world is really seriously trying to tell him with great big sincere blue eyes boring into him that there is a god.

* * *

The “Oh shit does he mean - ” look. “The Apocalypse” Bobby says. *he meant it* 

> DEAN  
> Apocalypse? The apocalypse, apocalypse? The four horsemen, pestilence, $5-a-gallon-gas apocalypse? 

Did anyone check any gas stations spotted through season 4-5 to see how much gas was going for?

* * *

> DEAN  
> Road trip. Grand Canyon, Star Trek Experience. Bunny Ranch. 

Pls stop with the Grand Canyon references Dean. :P Oh my god they need to go there.

I am almost willing to ignore Edlund saying he fucked up in season 8 and instead of being a pointless retcon, they literally did go to the Grand Canyon as Sam remembered, but Dean has forgotten the  _entire_  time and so every time he says it Sam’s got this - should I tell him? Does he just mean he wants to go  _again_? feeling. :P

* * *

I just really love all their banter while they’re stuck in the panic room… I’m not going to quote the whole thing. *grits teeth and resists* 

* * *

Aww Ronald Resnick. Even though Bobby dismisses him with a shotgun blast pretty quickly before we get any serious dialogue from him except the opening lines obvious assigning blame, we have an almost wistful smile from Dean to see him again and a full respectful flashback of his story such as it was. Dean remembers him well - he bonded pretty nicely with him for a few minutes here and there across the episode. Ron addresses Dean directly, ignoring the others (even though it was Sam being strict on him which probably drove him to go to the bank and draw the fire down on himself).

He represents the random civilians pretty literally caught in the crossfire: all the people who die while they’re still in the middle of working a job. The people who they’re supposed to be protecting. From this POV Ron kind of caused everything with giving them the info so they were even there, and starting the siege, and then being killed because of that. Dean still felt bad about his death just because it happened when he was there. Ron isn’t collateral damage in the same way Meg is because he wasn’t involved in the fight, but his whole thing was he  _shouldn’t_  have been in the fight.

* * *

> BOBBY  
> Kitchen. Cutlery drawer. It’s got a false bottom. Hemlock, opium, wormwood.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Opium?  
>   
> BOBBY  
> Go! 

More Dean and drugs subtext - Dean pauses quite significantly to ask that, prompting Bobby to yell at him. He sounds more curious than anything - like even in the heat of the moment he might stop to joke about what Bobby uses it for or joke about taking some for himself or how all this time he never knew Bobby had a stash or something. :P

* * *

> GIRL ONE  
> Bobby. You walked right by us while that monster ate us all up.  
>   
> GIRL TWO  
> You could have saved us. 

Bobby is haunted specifically by innocents - they also made him lie quietly in the car while Sam walked by denying him the chance to be saved, which is probably why he survived the night: because they wanted to put him in the cruelly ironic situation first.

Since he’s turning his father figuring up to 11 this season it’s probably not a coincidence he has 2 children he failed to save haunting him, reflecting on how he’s now propping up two extremely over-grown children who need constant saving, yet are constantly also being killed and dragged off to Hell while Bobby is helpless. Wheee.

* * *

> MEG  
> You saw how I suffered for months. I thought you must have learned something. I thought I died for something.  
>   
> SAM  
> Meg.  
>   
> MEG  
> But what you’re doing with that demon, Ruby… How many innocent bodies has Ruby burned through for kicks? How many girls just like me? And you don’t send her back to Hell? You’re a monster!  
>   
> SAM raises his rifle and shoots MEG. 

I’m guessing they’re transitioning from past failures to current moral failings. :P

* * *

> HENRIKSEN reaches inside DEAN’s chest and grips his heart.  
>   
> HENRIKSEN  
> Tell me how it’s fair. You get saved from Hell – I die. Why do you deserve another chance, Dean? 

Or current trauma. I think it’s interesting that Dean’s heart gets grabbed - so much heart symbolism with that boy through the years. This is what’s close to Dean’s heart at the moment: his utter lack of self-worth. That word “deserve” floating up again for the 3rd time. And Dean can’t fight it because he feels it right deep in his heart because he knows what he went through in Hell. :(

Also Victor attacks him in the kitchen while Dean’s getting the opium, and they’re standing in roughly the same-ish place Dean n Cas have their conversation at the end of the episode - the guy telling Dean he did deserve to be saved.

* * *

Dean jokes about not being a cheeseburger to Ron. 

Meanwhile this is not even the last time this apocalypse that Bobby’s house turns into a shooting range.

*doofy slo-mo for catching the bowl etc*

* * *

Hm.

Spell in book:

Spell in practice:

No idea what that all means but Bobby weirdly is the centre of it as the caster. 

* * *

I hear wings. :3

Dean hears wings too. 

There is a LOT of staring going on here and they’re still in different rooms.

Like over 10 seconds of it.

* * *

There’s maybe something to write on Dean n Cas and sleep especially based off the first few appearances: Dean gets woken up by Cas for his second screechy attempt to communicate; Cas puts Bobby to sleep so they can talk alone; here he ensures they talk alone by appearing in Dean’s dream. Next episode is the one where Cas wakes him up sitting on the side of the bed and is all “what were you dreaming about?” - I don’t think there’s more until 4x20?

I dunno, random thoughts for now. Making a note to myself that they’re connected together through sleep a lot. 

* * *

This is basically always in my top 10 quiet wtf Destiel moments no matter how much more canon rolls on by:

* * *

To conclude this episode’s discussion of God, where Dean poses the same question as he did to Bobby but with very specific examples from this episode to highlight his point: 

> DEAN  
> Concerns? There were people getting torn to shreds down here! And, by the way, while all this is going on, where the hell is your boss, huh, if there is a God?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> There’s a God.  
>   
> DEAN  
> I’m not convinced. ‘Cause if there’s a God, what the hell is he waiting for, huh? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The freaking apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> The Lord works…  
>   
> DEAN  
> If you say “mysterious ways,” so help me, I will kick your ass. 

That sinking feeling when an angel can’t tell you any answers to your existential crisis because he doesn’t know them himself. He’s been on screen like 5 minutes total in the whole show and he’s already being shoved into character development. (He doesn’t say “mysterious ways - just leaves a silence until Dean carries on talking with something else.)

Honestly, the angels have got to talk about God’s absence among themselves  _sometimes_  (Anna talks about so hard it was having faith when like 4 angels ever had seen his face) but they still have confidence that they’re getting orders - Cas said Dean being saved was commanded by God - so it’s only when some random human who doesn’t know anything asks Cas for answers and challenges him to explain this conspicuous absence does Cas find that he’s not actually an authority figure on God. Dean knows the exact wording of his answer before Cas is done trying to say it, and that’s because it’s the same thing humans tell each other when trying to answer this question.

Basically… Cas just got sucked into Dean’s ongoing crisis on the exact same side. Whoops. Little grains of sand working into that crack. :3

(This is their shared arc for like both seasons and it kills me but in a good way.)

* * *

“Both seasons” she says, temporarily forgetting that apocalypse-era SPN isn’t a completely different show floating outside of the rest of canon. :P

* * *

Dean’s absolute terror after casually threatening to kick the ass of an Angel of the Lord though. Much commented on. Still funny.

* * *

I love the back and forth on the seals and Lilith’s plan, because Dean continues filling in gaps on what Cas is telling him and getting agreement - Dean is smart enough to figure out what’s up, and it shows the characters being very in tune with each other by having Dean able to suss out the story from Cas’s words and be on an equal footing to supply plot exposition right back at Cas. Cas isn’t just showing up and dumping plot on Dean - maybe it’s written this way just to make the conversation more dynamic, but in terms of casually putting them on the same playing field even when there should be a massive imbalance…

(Like how Dean gets into the conversation about God enough to relax into casually threatening Cas)

* * *

Do we  _ever_  include “3 days ago you thought there was no such thing as me” on lists of Cas’s sassiest lines, because  _damn_. I feel like this line is massively under appreciated given how much hilarious stuff Cas has said since to drown it out.

* * *

Anyway, spark notes, Cas is terrifying, Dean is terrified. This is conveyed by standing with their noses 1 inch apart.

* * *

Dean’s confidence when confronting the demons last episode that whatever dragged him out of Hell wanted him out so they shouldn’t mess with that, has just been demonstrated that Cas is basically at this point using the threat of chucking him back into Hell to stop Dean being whiny - obviously having explained further that God commanded it blah blah technically means there’s a chain of command above Cas, but for the sake of comparing the 2 episodes, there is that. :P More of a Dean perspective thing - I’d assume Cas would actually be as frozen on it as the demon was last episode if it  _actually_  came to Dean challenging him to do it, but he wouldn’t, because Cas has the power to do it, ergo the threat works. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> So… You got no problem believing in… God and Angels?  
>   
> SAM  
> No, not really.  
>   
> DEAN  
> So, I guess that means that you believe in the Devil. 

Aaand suddenly we have much bigger problems to worry about that whether God is or isn’t watching. :P

Considering Sam wasn’t around for the conversation with Casey or the one where Ruby and Dean talked and mentioned Lucifer, this is actually probably the first time Sam’s heard him mentioned as an actual force with influence in their world. I do like how, considering how easy it would be for demons to have told Sam first at least in this case the news of Satan’s probable existence is broken gently by Dean (considering how much of an impact this will have on him down the line) and comes sourced from an angel Sam’s much more inclined to believe than Dean at this point as well.

We get way more of Dean’s troubled expression on this subject than Sam’s. We get one quick reaction shot for him and a long close up on Dean, making it way more about his reaction than Sam’s. Last little struggle with this new way he has to deal with fate and casually talk about the devil like it’s a real possibility.

(Remember in the Christmas episode how Dean had to confirm to Sam about monsters in general existing?)

Wow that’s a depressing note to end on. :P


	3. 4x03

Or: I stand by the fact that they had that van for the entire of canon until this episode.

* * *

I’d like to preface this comment by admitting I’ve had a few certain 4x03 gifsets in my drafts for long enough I am  _extremely_  aware of what the bed Dean is sleeping on looks like, so since the episode starts with a shot of him asleep reflected in a mirror that Sam sketchily won’t meet his own eyes in/is looking at himself askance at least before walking out behind some similar to other symbolic moment yellow glass tubes, and it’s  _those_  bedspreads, I’m pretty much just imploding with all the symbolism I’ve been collecting over this rewatch happening at once in like 3 seconds of footage. :P

(The yellow star bedspreads for Sam-significant episodes started with Nightmare, and the proper start of the special kids storyline and here we have him sneaking out to join Ruby for more training in exorcising things with his mind. For Dean, the bedspreads featured in episodes significant to plotlines about his faith, er, starting with Faith and Houses of the Holy so would have been better suited last episode, except for the fact that we only saw him sleeping on Bobby’s floor, but I’m letting them have a little overlap because of that. :P I think the yellow stars at this point probably also must have some Lucifer connotations going onwards from the last minutes of last episode.)

* * *

Anyway, Sam being all sneaky, Ruby apparently driving a yellow-ish car? 

I’ve linked yellow to demons and stuff, and Kayanem links it to lying and hidden truths or motives or whatever especially since 2x20? I can’t remember. :P Anyway, all applies. Not sure why pointing it out since I usually reblog her rewatch after this and so I am definitely encroaching on points that may be made but eh, that colour symbolism is important with the Sam/Ruby stuff. :P

* * *

Have a sleepy Dean:

I spent a few minutes looking up willow trees as per the name of the hotel (shown to us quite clearly on the neon sign and also on that card there on the end table) and found out that aside from being symbolic of healing for the whole aspirin thing, there’s a lot of symbolic links to dreaming and at least one site made me laugh by suggesting they’re connected to the past. 

Anyway, Dean has the jacket back and Dean-like clothes, so they’ve made an important stop  _somewhere_  to pick up some of his stuff.

* * *

Dean dreaming some freaky Hell things and then we have a nice  _Hello Dean_  and the infamous “what were you dreaming about?” which even if it’s meant to be about the Hell dreams and implying the angels know Dean’s dreaming them as the reveal to the fact they know he  _remembers_  Hell… 

Cas asks it with the chains from the lamps on the partition behind him - since we KNOW Dean’s Hell was a mess of chains having seen it this is probably not too subtle a reminder of the last things he said to Dean re: throwing him back in Hell. Basically this whole exchange is about Dean and Hell.

But hilarious out of context and that “out of context” is easy to get to because the Hell stuff is the subtext and the weird Destiel moment is practically the main text what with how they’re just on the bed together and Cas asking strange pillow talk questions for Dean waking up beside him, and

> DEAN  
> What, do you get your freak on by watching other people sleep? 

Early Cas: not only scary, but kinda unintentionally creepy as fuck too.

<3

* * *

I haven’t seen Back to the Future enough times to be properly geeky about this episode. I mean I recognise the film-specific tropes and stuff but it just doesn’t hit in the same way as a film I’d seen more times than I can count. :P If anything the couple of times I’ve watched it in the last few years I’ve got “lol like in the SPN episode” feelings about it.

* * *

Are there really that many old cars in America that you wouldn’t realise right away? I get weirded out if I see more than a couple of 90s looking cars all at once, never mind vintage cars. 

I know however it is, Dean has a serious bias about normal expectations of what a car looks like though. :P

* * *

*Dean slowly gets there while exchanging some hit and miss pop culture references with John* I do think it’s important that one of the first things of substance John said was a Star Trek reference: this episode shows a lot that John was an okay guy and that all the darkness about him, no matter how deep it went, was something he at least successfully buried when he was younger (they also remind us right away he had been in the Marines so there has to be SOME already existing darkness, just not what pushed him into the John we knew from the start of the show).

*that random guy makes a comment about John’s old man, because the show runs long enough eventual later canon will contradict the sky being blue in early seasons*

(actually with the filter it was kind of always grey so I suppose that one is debatable and only subtext you’d assume it was because that’s the normal interpretation :P)

* * *

To go with 2x20, Dean pretends to have had a rough night to account for his time travel jetlag and confusion about the setting, therefore implying to another family member (even if they don’t remember this either) that he’s been drinking. Since John missed out on all that by being still dead in that episode. :P

* * *

*Dean runs smack into Cas* 

Further to last episode’s conversation where they talked as intellectual equals despite the massive power imbalance, as evidenced by their back and forth:

> DEAN  
> What is this?   
>   
> CASTIEL  
> What does it look like?  
>   
> DEAN  
> Is it real? 

Cas is all “don’t ask stupid questions” mode, rather than dropping any exposition, and trusts that Dean will have figured it out already and well enough to cope without any more exposition or hand-holding.

(*looks disappointed* :P)

* * *

… Oh.

There’s a willow tree behind him.

*stares hard at Wanek* So you’re going to be that way? :P

* * *

I do approve that Dean couldn’t meddle in anything else in their past, and was only a casual observer to the whole demon plotline, BUT he did have the positive outcome that he got John to buy Baby, which this storyline wraps by making her the most important object in the universe yadda yadda ends the apocalypse.

SO Cas saying to Dean “you have to stop it” so mysteriously and then the only thing Dean manages to stop in this whole nightmare is this casual funny moment where he creates a slight paradox with the car, which then goes on to stop the apocalypse… This right here was the moment. :P

Also, for the Dean vs destiny thing - he’s being shown for the  _length_  of the episode a fate he can’t alter, which goes against his very nature due to being the poster child “fuck destiny” guy of the group and yet he does make one alteration after all… the most important alteration in the end. 

* * *

> JOHN  
> Okay, mister! Stop it.   
>   
> DEAN  
> Yeah, if only I knew what to stop. 

There’s been ink spilled on how Cas and John are parallels right down this early end of the season, and having John unknowingly parrot Cas’s warning is a good way to link them (like Sam randomly saying the take your brother outside thing all the way back in Home). Obviously even if he only has the one episode here, John is the more significant character at this point of the show’s intention back when Cas was probably not even meant to last more than a couple of episodes past this. 

Of course while Cas n Dean have talked kind of like equals despite the power imbalance, that exists, and more importantly, Cas is acting as a plot motivator right now for Dean, just like how John put him onto cases with little to no explanation through season 1: “you have to stop it” is more warning than Dean got in cases found only with coordinates after all. :P Of course the whole point of Cas’s later arc this season is to learn to doubt and question these orders as they came down to him but for the time being…

* * *

*Dean finds an old beige car to stalk John* (The van was beige too. They use beige cars a LOT as a counterpoint to the main car :P)

*John being a dork and just repeating what Dean said about the car to Mary to make it sound like he knows he made a sound decision*  ~~(I think he’s already a mechanic at this point? I honestly can’t remember. Either way he probably knew _something_  about cars since he goes to get a job as one?)~~he says he’s a mechanic from a family of mechanics in the diner with Mary, so that means Dean probably just talked him into something he already kind of wanted and was speaking to him Car Guy to Car Guy. 

* * *

*Dean’s brain completely grinds to a halt at the thought of Mary being a hunter*

Gasp. Who ever thought Mary had something more complicated to her!?

(Well, there was the time she said sorry to Sam in 1x09 and how she knew Azazel in 2x21′s flashback…)

Her brown jacket is sort of like the one Dean borrowed from Sam in 4x01. And of course now he’s wearing John’s old jacket again for the first time this season.

> DEAN  
> You can trust me. I mean, come on, we’re all hunters, right? I mean, we’re – we’re practically family. 

(Ongoing hunter culture thing that they were systematically excluded from by both their parents - John, we learned about especially in season 2, but here we now get the revelation that Mary’s entire family are hunters and she grew up in hunter culture: their exclusion from it on her side is far more absolute because she ran from it and distanced herself so hard. Despite all this exclusion, Dean still sees hunters as a cohesive thing, where one should help the other, probably bound by the fact they all share the same secret from the rest of the world, and how they would and probably will fight and die beside each other… Just saying they’re hunters seems to be enough in his mind to grant him access to his own family, i.e. pointing out he’s in their culture, so even though he can’t tell them he’s family he can say he’s the next best thing and gain access to his missing links in the family tree)

* * *

*has that stupid line from the musical about John and Mary husband and wife stuck in my head*

* * *

Hey Samuel!

* * *

Dean so excited and proud about passing the test. Doesn’t even care Samuel grumpily dismisses him, he’s like look at meee I’m a hunter I belong with you guuuys.

* * *

Pauses at “Deanna”, though. :P 

Always with the female counterpart. I’ve often thought about Mary winning the argument to name her kids are both her parents and John doesn’t get a say-so about sticking a Henry in there or picking anything else. If we go with this episode’s canon, John’s father at least was still alive, and so perhaps it was consolation for her grief, if John’s apparently boring side of the family wasn’t due to be poked at for another 4 seasons. 

(The logical thing would have been to name Dean as “Dean Samuel Winchester” then have a fresh set of names for the younger kid) 

(Honestly I wonder if it was just to get in a reference to Sam and Dean both in one episode, and calling Samuel “Dean” and Deanna “Samantha” would be low-hanging fruit and the more obvious joke given Dean’s amusement at feminising Sam… Having it thrown back at him that Samuel is the father and Deanna the mother is another little thing that makes him off-balance and out of comfortable territory. I dunno :P)

* * *

Anyway yay Dean having a family dinner. :P

And being snarky at Samuel because Samuel took against him right away.

Honestly thinking of season 6, Samuel didn’t remember this, did he? Maybe he did but he never put it together  _properly_  until he saw Dean again - never realised all that time he was chumming around with soulless!Sam that Dean was the random hunter who showed up bothering him back when…

* * *

Aw man the conversation with Sam laughing at the idea of John being mixed up with something ghosty… Just designed to be full of cruel irony. 

* * *

> MARY  
> And I’m here because?   
>   
> SAMUEL  
> Family business, Mary… family. 

Blargh. :P

* * *

Always amused about Dean introducing Samuel as “Father Cheney” as a private joke to himself and the people of 2008 :P

* * *

Aw the poor kid asking if he’ll go to jail for siccing Azazel on his dad.

He did it to stop his dad beating him, which gives us a parallel to Bela doing the same to end her abuse, but with better knowledge of what happened to her (and so she used her new found knowledge of the supernatural to her benefit for the rest of her life). After crawling through season 3 I’m really not sure this is meant to help us feel sympathetic to Bela but rather show a more innocent victim of the same thing who didn’t understand or something, because I don’t have much faith in the show subtly recasting Bela as sympathetic. Like, you’re allowed to do this if you’re a dude and you don’t even know what you did was SO bad?

* * *

> DEAN  
> Yeah, well, I have. This thing killed my family.   
>   
> SAMUEL  
> Just calm down, son.   
>   
> DEAN  
> You don’t get it, do you? You are in danger, we are all in danger. In fact, you need to get yourself someplace safe. 

Hahahaaa Azazel doesn’t even know it yet but he’s going to kill the rest of Dean’s family anyway. Wooop.

* * *

I will never get why hunters are incredulous about stuff.

* * *

> DEAN  
> I like that John kid.   
>   
> MARY  
> You do?   
>   
> DEAN  
> Yeah. Yeah, I think you two are meant to be. 

Season early but we eventually learn they  _were_  and it was all pre-destined and they’re walking around with cupid arrows in them. Lol. Nothing is sacred. :P At the moment Dean is getting a somehow pretty fairy tale idea of his parents’ relationship even with all the demon crap going on around it. I’m not a huge fan of making everything dark and awful in a story, but the show does lean that way, so I feel like that reveal was much more in keeping with their style anyway. I also feel thanks to the long-running suggestions of what comes to light in this episode that the broad strokes of Mary’s back story were always worked out… I don’t know if “fated to be with John” would have been in the picture or if that idea came later, but this line kind of works as the awful jumping off point to something much worse behind this cutesy exterior.

> MARY  
> I don’t know. He’s sweet, kind. Even after the war, after everything, he still believes in happily ever after, you know? He’s everything a hunter isn’t. 

Preeetty much this line is just part of the ongoing dramatic irony of this episode. We know Mary and John did have their fights later (DSotM) so I think some of this damage implied by “even after the war” factors into their relationship even before Mary died, and that was just a breaking point. It suggests that John had his own masks though: even if he could be sincerely sweet and kind in the moment, he was hurt and damaged and probably this idealism of making it through and finding a perfect girl who wanted to marry him and he loved completely (because cupids) gave him the chance to be this guy Mary describes.

* * *

How to break Dean:

> MARY  
> I wanna get out. This job, this life, I hate it. I want a family, I wanna be safe. You know the worst thing I can think of? The very worst thing? Is for my children to be raised into this like I was. No, I won’t let it happen. 

I really fully believe Dean tells her not to walk into the nursery entirely for her own sake at this point - not to salvage the wreck of his life (not least because right now he has no idea the details of Azazel’s access to the nursery and it’s still at this point something he has to assume would happen anyway so they’d be raised non-hunters and the world would go to shit worse than even it already did because they wouldn’t have been ready to face it) but entirely because he wanted Mary to  _not_  have that happen to her children: he’d take the inevitable awful conclusion if only to fend off this awful irony of her life.

(it gets worse when you know it’s entirely down to her deal that this happened to them at all, Azazel included)

* * *

I do wonder how they filmed that Cas appears in the car thing. Like, by that I mean it’s 100% sure Misha had to scoot down under the seat and then pop up while the camera was panning around and then be totally straight-faced Cas for another couple of seconds after, so I’m actually wondering how Misha managed to do it at all and how many takes.

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> You realize, if you do alter the future, your father, you, Sam – you’ll never become hunters. And all those people you saved, they’ll die.   
>   
> DEAN  
> I realize.   
>   
> CASTIEL  
> And you don’t care?   
>   
> DEAN  
> Oh, I care. I care a lot, but these are my parents. I’m not gonna let them die again. I can’t. No, not if I can stop it. 

It was this saving people thing in 2x20 which made Dean start to break the djinn thing before he realised it was only a dream and not a wish (which he only realised when he actually got to the djinn’s lair and saw what was going on with the other victims). I guess somewhere between there and now his priorities have shifted (probably measured somewhere along with the rapid decrease in interest with saving meatsuits and being sympathetic to monsters over season 3). There’s also of course the fact their family is tangled up in the apocalypse and perhaps finding a way to avert their involvement is good enough for Dean now: his arguments are short term fixes for their pain but it gets them all through to the present day with a happier quality of life.

I dunno. This wasn’t overt text until Cas challenges him about it, and suddenly you have the family vs everyone else argument, and this time Dean is taking the decision for the selfish interest for the sake of Mary’s happiness.

Of course this actually is step 1 in the plan to make Dean see that destiny is inevitable and time can’t be changed and if the future is already written too then that is also set in stone so just, like, do what we say. Cas’s part in saying all this to him is literally just to force this mindset since he  _knows_  the outcome.

(But Dean influences John to buy the car. Dean vs destiny always finds a way even in a closed time loop that’s only being used to teach him a lesson :P)

(It makes more sense tbh, however funny the headcanon about 3 seasons of that van, that they did have the car exactly as we saw through the whole show and of course Dean just never  _knew_  he made John buy it but he had in fact always done it, and so that was a destiny set in stone because of course he’d been driving it like a day before he made John buy it in the past… But it was a destiny he was in control of and that had happened because of him)

* * *

*Dean just casually stealing the Colt decades early*

* * *

At least Sam asked nicely when he took it a century or so early.

* * *

What would happen if you shot a bullet from the Colt directly into the demon smoke?

* * *

I love this reflection shot of Dean surrounding his family while trying to protect them but his ability to actually protectively surround them is just a pale reflection of what he waaaants:

* * *

I just noticed that Dean is still wearing his future guy watch.

* * *

> SAMUEL  
> Every bone in my body is aching to put you six feet under, but there’s something about you – I can’t shake it. Now, I may be crazier than you, son, but I believe you. 

Oh Azazel you joker. :3

I like how Dean’s just learned not to hand over the Colt… Azazel probably didn’t learn from his own mistake there. :P Or maybe he thought that Dean was wary here because he’s been burned once before so season 1 Dean would obliviously hand it over.

*Dean’s rage face*

* * *

> AZAZEL  
> I only know one thing that’s got the juice to swing something like that. You must have friends in high places. 

I hate the way demons make puns. :P Ha ha friends in high places.

Since Azazel was head of the raise Lucifer scheme he probably  _would_  be one of the few demons we encounter the early to just know angels were real. We don’t know how old he is either.

* * *

> AZAZEL  
> Are you one of my psychic kids? No, not you. Maybe you got a sis, or a bro. That’s terrific, means it all worked out. After all, it’s why I’m here. 

The way he says “that’s terrific” makes him sound delighted that at least one of the kids had a brother - not to devalue Sam’s arc or anything, but Azazel may have been playing favourites with him because of the narrative neatness of Dean’s existence playing into all the big parallels at work, and making them a preferred  _joint_  effort… Knowing about Dean the entire time means he’d pick Sam as a fave. Right at this point he doesn’t care what Sam is: just that there’s a sibling involved. Since so few of the others had siblings (except for the evil twins which were probably also of a lot of interest to Azazel hence him spending a fair bit of time on Andy’s brother) those would tend to be ones he was interested in. Jake, the original victor of his hunger games, had a sister too.

* * *

> AZAZEL  
> I need permission. I need to be invited, into their houses, I know, I know, the – the red tape’ll drive you nuts 

Honestly it’s tiny details like this that fascinate me about demons. :P That’s also old vampire lore which doesn’t apply to this show’s vampires, repurposed. I wonder what it is that’s stopping them. The crossroads demons (which Azazel is acting as almost as a cover as he travels around) are generally pretty moral about their deals as well, Crowley in particular holding a great deal of stock in the sanctity of a good deal. I get the feeling that where they are Lawful Evil it’s not just a generic term but  _really_  applies to them. If Azazel is bound by some natural laws and has to get deals and permission to do things that makes him pretty interesting just because he can’t do things the chaotic way, of just whooshing around bleeding into random babies’ mouths until he’s got his army of special children.

There’s probably also a fair bit about the mother breaking the sanctity of her role in surrendering the child to him or whatever to help foster the kids’ unholiness.

* * *

> AZAZEL  
> Demon blood is better than Ovaltine, vitamins, minerals – it makes you big and strong. 

Nod to the canon reason Sam is 8ft tall.

* * *

Welp, Dean’s family body count via Yellow Eyes is rocketing up. :P

* * *

Aw John. He sounds so young and panicked when he calls Samuel “sir”… As far as he remembers I guess Samuel manhandles Mary out of the car, there’s a fight… He probably got knocked out?? Samuel is dead?? This one is really awkward to explain.

Never mind finding out Deanna died of a snapped neck. 

I suppose on that point they can assume if Mary did stab Samuel it was in self-defence. I dunno. :P

* * *

> YED  
> Nope, sorry doll, that’s not on the table. But, think about it, you could be done with hunting forever. The white picket fence, station wagon, couple of kids, no more monsters or fear. I’ll make sure of it. 

So Azazel was probably low-key lurking around the Winchesters hunting monsters that might come near them to keep them safe? (well he probably had a demon minion do it)… That’s just all kinds of awful to have them safe and complacent and have her able to forget what she was because Azazel was looking after her… No angels watching over this family. >.>

* * *

I wonder if Mary ever puts it together with what Dean said about not getting out of bed on a date  _suspiciously_  close to 10 years from then?

* * *

Dean is so slow at shooting Azazel. Whoops.

* * *

Query: Dean was holding the Colt and then Cas appeared and gave him the  _super sad_ “I am so sorry I had to put you through that” look, and then Dean disappears, and… no gun? Dean just wakes up where he was like he had literally dreamed the whole thing, complete with not wearing the jacket he’d been wearing a moment before, so it’s clear he was just restored to how he had been when Cas zapped him in the first place so…

Where did the Colt go?

Probably Elkins goes out to get the morning paper and trips over it on the doorstep like  _what the hell?_  

* * *

“Destiny can’t be changed, Dean,” says accidental founding member of Team Free Will, looking like this:

I don’t think he likes what he just had to do or the lines he’s saying. :P Just floating that theory you know in case it’s important later that Cas has issues with destiny or something. 

(That really sad awful long shoulder touching look was pretty much the same. He’s got sad wet eyes like he might  _cry_. Cas. Season 4 Cas. Nearly crying. *flings self into the sun*)

* * *

Then once they’re talking about Sam and the main plot re: what Azazel was actually up to, Cas goes back to his neutral/scary expression when he shifts to talking about killing Sam. Just like that. :P Which… takes Dean n Cas off common ground again for a bit since, you know, threatening Sam is not a great way to bond with Dean, but Cas talks about himself/the angels as “we” all the time through this. He still toes the line and says the things to Dean that he’s supposed to, and delivers his threat, but he just… looks like he’s not enjoying the part where he had to upset Dean with this interactive history lesson. At all. :(

Ugh Caaaaaaas.

*my entire rewatch from this point onwards tbh* :P


	4. 4x04

There are monster. It like Sam feels but then it eat person. Metaphor thing. 

*nods* That was an easy episode to summarise. :D

* * *

(I’m not wildly opposed to this episode but it has lots of gross MotW stuff between the drama and that puts me off. Honestly more interested in why so many random mentions of rugarus off-screen across the show. I think we saw 1 in Purgatory briefly? Basically they don’t seem to be what anyone wants to write again since this metaphor has been done and dusted but I suppose they get name drops to prove they haven’t just randomly stopped existing.)

* * *

I just noticed while mindlessly staring at the “previously” that there was some red/blue symbolism in the corner of this scene from 4x01:

I think it pops up a lot when there’s a morality issue (like, heaven vs hell blue vs red) and this whole episode is sort of the kicking off point for actually probing Sam’s morality on this issue of the season for him.

* * *

*carries on analysing 4x01 instead because*

* * *

I like the cool iron devil’s trap Sam n Ruby have. Reminds me of the iron lamp fitting Dean dropped onto Meg’s ghost in 4x02. (And I think they do something similar with an iron light fixture in 4x15 with the reapers and Alastair battle?)

* * *

Since they have that set up this seems to be their exorcism warehouse or something.

* * *

> [Random demon guy]  
> Why? Huh? Because you’re Sam Winchester, Mr. Big Hero? And yet here you are, slutting around with some demon. Real hero.  
>   
> Tell me about those monhs without your brother. About all the things you and this demon bitch do in the dark. Huh? Tell me, hero. 

I think some sort of point is being made about Sam supposedly being the hero but this seeming really evil?

Maybe?

* * *

Sam’s actual little flicker of delight when he finds the guy he exorcised is alive.

* * *

Wait… Dean had the demon killing knife?

Maybe he just didn’t go to sleep with it in his jacket or something.

Because, like, last episode would have been so much easier for him if he didn’t have to make that massive detour and then missed Samuel and Mary taking off for the next victim’s house and drawing the interest of Azazel… I’m just saying. :P

* * *

(Dean did kind of make that whole episode happen as it happened. He’s the one who doomed his family by telling them where to go to cross paths with Azazel in the first place. Really depressing thought for the day :P)

* * *

Er anyway in the moment he is threatening Ruby with it for corrupting his lil brother right after he got a massive warning that his lil bro was going to be corrupted for nefarious ends and bigger purposes just than the previously understood leading of the demon army etc, and expressly warned by Cas that whatever Sam was up to at that moment was part of this ongoing narrative…

* * *

We get another lingering shot on Sam reading something and the card for the motel telling us it’s the willow tree motel again, plus those lanterns that were dark earlier are now lit up - more yellow lights. 

* * *

> DEAN  
> Do you even know how far off the reservation you’ve gone? How far from normal? From human?  
>   
> SAM  
> I’m just exorcising demons. 

(Not going to lie, Sam sounds like he says “exercising” here.)

Aaand here’s the problem. I almost wonder if Dean was packing his stuff to leave Sam to it because he was scared of what he might have to do to Sam. He’s spent a season or so drifting from that almost sympathetic to monsters mindset that began to work on him at the start of season 2, right round to being in stabby opposition to Sam about saving the meatsuits (as they go on to yell at each other about in this fight). Dean’s in full “monsters are evil kill them” mode and now Sam’s suddenly showing up doing something immensely inhuman. John’s old warning of “if you can’t save him, kill him” is echoing over this.  

> DEAN  
> It’s already gone too far, Sam. If I didn’t you know… I would wanna hunt you. 
> 
> And so would other hunters. 

In early season 2 part of Dean’s fears about Sam was that whatever was going on with his visions, coupled with the warning John gave him, would lead to hunters hunting him - which eventually did happen. Sam’s literally had a whole subplot about this and Dean defended him through it, but with John’s warning there has always been this weight. And season 4 is basically when it’s finally put to the test. Dean says here that he won’t kill Sam just for this because he knows him, but he’s making the point extremely clear that this isn’t  _just_  because Sam lied to him: there’s something inherently wrong with what Sam is and what Sam’s doing…

Which, you know, has to feel great for Sam. >.> He can defend his actions, and says it’s not going to go too far, but Dean warns him about slippery slopes and this is basically a summary of season 4. 

This level of freak out/threatening response is probably why Sam didn’t want to tell him in the first place.

Bleh. Really grim scene. Dean is bubbling over all this awful stuff with the worst of his mindset instilled in him by John. And this:

> DEAN  
> Why did an angel tell me to stop you?  
>   
> SAM  
> What?  
>   
> DEAN  
> Cas said that if I don’t stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn’t want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

Is a different higher power that Dean appeals to, with those early season 4 parallels between Cas and John/all the constant parallels between God and John. I think it’s the first time Dean actually genuinely gives credit to the idea there is a God which is  _extremely_  depressing in context. 

* * *

Blargh this is a depressing exchange. And Dean smashes another lamp while venting his anger and hits Sam twice and blaaah. 

* * *

Before it gets too awful, the case of the week interrupts and this conversation is over before they can actually disown each other or kill each other.

* * *

Cut from the gross monster stuff back to Sam n Dean discussing their tragic family history, with Dean talking about how happy Mary was and describing the last remotely innocent moments of their family history.

Sam accidentally reveals that he knows the entire family curse that Dean was hopefully talking about ending last episode was because of the demon blood thing as a baby, taking this moment to reveal what Dean had to find out the extremely hard way. So that was something he held onto for well over a year.

Dean does his big fake smile > angry eyes thing while driving. They already seemed to have tried to sweep the last argument under the rug for Dean to tell Sam about his time travel adventures, only for the fact of the time travel adventures being entirely about leading Dean into the argument, so… Not good. :P

* * *

The motel room they’ve ended up in has a low-key (normal) hunting theme. I say low-key because I still remember the log cabin overkill hunting theme motel room from Nightmare. :P Like, a mural of some deer and a couple of taxidermy things here just don’t compete.

> TRAVIS  
> Been too long, boys. I mean, look at you. Grown men. John would have been damn proud of you. Sticking together like this.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Yeah. Yeah, we’re as thick as thieves. Nothing more important than family.

Dean is being so passive aggressive >.>

The description of how rugarus turn suddenly after giving in and tasting human flesh and become an irredeemable monster is pretty suggestive of someone *looks around* going over a moral event horizon from which they can’t come back. *wonders who was being talked about being on a slippery slope*

Bonus mention for it being something genetic that passes from father to son. Probably not a relevant theme to this show. :P

* * *

The rugaru guy is actually being filmed with more washed out filters than the main characters at the moment. He’s also drinking in a bar to forget his descent into being a monster which seems eerily pertinent to how Dean in particular spends his dark descent. I think like with the filters it’s just part of the aesthetic of the show.

Always laughing at the terrible stock footage of blood pumping they use here. Like,  _why?_

* * *

Sam does some more research, questioning the strict black and white established ways (e.g. Dean’s ‘if it’s a monster kill it and that means you’ mindset) and does more research to come at the lore in an educated way, and finds out that there is some hope: these monsters can exist and not be evil, even if it’s a struggle. He is dismissed for this hippie mindset.

Also this hunter guy has apparently become an expert on rugarus and hunts them as a speciality? Maybe hunters just kind of accidentally end up with these special interest subjects through tragic back story or just what they end up good at tracking… Maybe whoever like Bobby is coordinating points them towards more cases… There must be some other rugaru guy out there dealing with them all in present canon which is why we never see them any more. :P

* * *

*gross bit with the wife* Blah. I mean, points for the whole marriage isn’t consent thing, I guess.

(This is from the writer of the episode literally called Sex & Violence, so I suppose she has an interest in exploring these themes - as he grows more violent and hungry for flesh, his appetite in others ways increases too… More monstrous sexuality exploration, which I suppose is a theme for Sam this season too with Ruby (and Sex & Violence has Sam hooking up with the nice doctor…) I dunno, I’m too tired for a long discussion on it here. :P) 

* * *

> DEAN  
> You know, nice dude, but he’s got something evil inside. Something in his blood. Maybe you can relate.

I always jump when they get on the nose about it because all the meta I read spends so much time dragging themes up out of nowhere and then the episode is like “lol no this is a v v v important theme so we’d better just tell you what’s going on.”

* * *

Is that coincidentally the river they had their conversation by in 2x09/10 where Dean told him what John said? It’s not the same place, but they’re fighting by water anyway. 

> SAM  
> You want to know why I’ve been lying to you, Dean? Because of crap like this.
> 
> DEAN  
> Like what?  
>   
> SAM  
> The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I’m a freak!
> 
> DEAN  
> I do not.
> 
> SAM  
> You know, or even worse, like I’m an idiot.
> 
> SAM  
> Like I don’t know the difference between right and wrong!

You tell him Sam. :3

(I am always a Dean girl even when he’s being a dick, but as justified and understandable as I can make his treatment of Sam right now, I’m still with Sam not wanting him to be treated this way and Dean needing to have some sense talked into him about how he’s making Sam feel. He’s managed sympathy for random monsters of the week before, so why any different with Sam?)

(Of course Sam literally has his dark path for the season laid out to him in this episode via Dean’s concern, but on the other hand, some understanding and stuff might have helped avoid that I dunno :P)

> SAM  
> You have no idea what I’m going through. None.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Then enlighten me!  
>   
> SAM  
> I’ve got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins, and I can’t ever rip it out or scrub it clean! I’m a whole new level of freak! And I’m just trying to take this - this curse… and make something good out of it. Because I have to.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Let’s just go talk to the guy. 

(there’s quite a pause before Dean speaks again). Sam doesn’t seem totally convinced this is Dean doing anything for  _him_  but they have conflated the MotW and Sam already, so Dean saying they go do what Sam wanted and actually talk to him and give him a chance to not give in to his nature is sort of Dean saying he’ll give Sam a chance after hearing this speech. 

* * *

Cut to the monster guy watering his flowers in a really uninspired way.

* * *

If they had got him to agree to a cheerful program to not eat people how would they have ever kept up with him? Just, like, phoning him every day to see how he was doing? 

* * *

Oh gross he has the same bloody eye contacts as newly turned vampires and people under the attack dog spell. 

So his hunger gets completely turned into a weird mix of sexual/cannibalistic hunger when he pervs hungrily on the random naked woman changing in front of her window.

* * *

There’s a lot of apologising and the old hunter guy saying he feels bad to do this (especially when it’s the innocent wife) and Jack saying he doesn’t have to do it… The ongoing theme of feeling forced to do something which seems really horrible for the greater good. So even Travis is thematically where Sam is. :P

But then he gets disgustingly eaten. Poor traumatised wife flees the scene after Jack lets her go. WOW is she going to need therapy after this. :( I hope she drove off to find some supportive friends/family. :( 

There’s probably something meaningful in the wife getting punished for her husband’s monstrous nature/the nature of her unborn child or something. Ugh.

> JACK  
> If you want to kill me, kill me, but not my wife. Okay? I’m begging you.  
>   
> TRAVIS  
> Ain’t got no choice. My condolences. 

* * *

Sam and Dean stop to be angsty about the fight from earlier and this almost gets them killed by the monster.

Sam vs doors. Sam is stuck behind the door trying to get through to the guy to stop him eating Dean, shouting some advice that works much better for himself, the guy who hasn’t actually stepped over that line and become a monster yet… I mean, okay, he’s drinking demon blood, but there’s that line he hasn’t crossed yet (will cross in 4x22 with the momentary appearance of black eyes, but he gets fixed immediately so he’s just left to deal with the repercussions so the crossed line was not, in the end that no going back like they keep saying here. :P It’s making the threat for Sam across the season real at least)

> SAM  
> It doesn’t matter what you are. It only matters what you do. It’s your choice.

In the end the monster chooses to attack Sam and threaten to eat Dean, so Sam kills him (probably quite important that he’s the one who makes the call after championing him all episode).

He’s left clearly feeling really un-hopeful about the monster he pinned his sense of being okay and not turning into a horrible thing onto. 

* * *

Dean apologises, blaming how horrible he was on how scared and freaked out he is about Sam’s powers. He tries to get Sam to open up about it to maybe help him understand so he  _won’t_  be so scared and maybe get why Sam does what Sam does, but Sam just says he wouldn’t be able to understand it: he’s affected profoundly in a way he clearly understands is the demon blood and not part of normal human experience (probably because since trying out his powers so much more anything to do with them inside must have been amplified). Dean is left with no satisfactory insight into Sam, and remains, presumably, terrified of what he might become/do/what he just  _is_.

* * *

While Sam is making a speech about being done with his powers, he looks into the car window to look at his reflection - since I’ve been blabbing on about him not looking at his reflection for ages and ages.

> SAM  
> Don’t thank me. I’m not doing it for you. Or for the angels or for anybody. This is my choice. 

Honestly can’t remember how long that lasts, but I think this episode spooked him so he’s sincere? For now? This mirrors (lol) what he was saying to the monster guy about it being a choice, anyway, and like he said to Dean earlier he does still remember how morality works and he’s still got an undercurrent of being good, and so he knows he should stop and that this is wrong. I think now Sam’s reached this understanding the addiction part of the storyline starts subtly working on him just because he’s now floated the idea of quitting but will continue using the powers soon enough.

I can’t remember if Ruby sneaks into the edges of the next couple of episodes but we’re not  _far_  from the Halloween episode, I mean, it’s literally on the same disc as this episode (she says having let the credits run out while trying to work out if there’s anything else to say), so I’m guessing not for long. :P

Since he’s been sneaky in the background for so much this season it’s hard to track his choices. >.> I guess I’ll peer into the background of Monster Movie and Yellow Fever and see if anything trips him up. Maybe Yellow Fever because Dean’s off his game there and that could freak Sam out back into wanting to be stronger to compensate.

Blah I’m glad this episode is like 3 times shorter than all the others. :P *it gets that way when there’s just loads of gratuitous gore and violence and nothing to actually talk about so I zone out and scroll Tumblr waiting for things to comment on to come back* :P

* * *

Episode isn’t all bad: it’s got the exciting moment of Dean using “Cas” for the first time instead of “Castiel”, although right in the middle of the fight at the start. Wonder if Sam’s heard him use it before - in 4x02 they were awkwardly calling him Castiel. Perhaps in that car journey at the start off-screen Dean summarised 4x03 to Sam, so he’d have had to use Cas’s name a few more times, and so if Sam heard “Cas” then he’d wonder how in only a few minutes of interaction total, and with Cas seemingly from the descriptions continuing to be a total jerk, Dean’s started to call him Cas. *thinks of Cas’s sad sympathetic look to Dean*

Yeah I can’t imagine Dean summarising one of the early soulful stares to Sam. :P


	5. 4x05

Literally I can’t make a worse pun to introduce this than the one at the start of the episode anyway. I am outmatched.

I know where to pick my battles. Not starting a fight with Edlund. :P

* * *

Surprisingly there will be no commentary on colour symbolism this episode.

* * *

It was this episode which made me realise that my friend I dragged through a marathon last summer doesn’t seem to look at the screen when she watches TV normally :P Meanwhile I stare too much and get lost in details and miss dialogue. 

She also didn’t notice the show did different title cards until season 6 and I pointed out something and she was like wait what they’ve been changing?

I mean I managed to make her catch a couple of the earlier novelty ones but…

*eye twitches* They make different  _noises_.

On that note, did you notice in 4x03 that when Dean fights Azazel in the Campbell’s front room, the demon-y sound effect from I think the season 2 title card played? I noticed it.

* * *

I just went to open up the transcript for when I inevitably can’t understand what Jensen is mumbling about at some point or another, and saw a note on Superwiki’s main page for this episode, that this was supposed to be the 3rd episode of the season. Which still doesn’t explain where Dean got his jacket from but this lead-in conversation and actually whole point of the episode is a good welcome back to monster of the week… And would explain the blank on their fight from last episode, so I’ll take a step back from trying to work out the longer plot like I finished last episode saying I’d watch out for. Also means if Yellow Fever didn’t move that’s the only episode between last and the Halloween episode, which is an even shorter span for Sam to say he’s giving up using his powers vs exorcising one of the scariest demons they’ve ever met so I’d pretty much just say he didn’t bother at all. :P

* * *

Big pretzel! 

Dean is in hyperactive puppy mode this episode. For the whole thing as far as I remember.

* * *

> SHERIFF DIETRICH  
> Yeah, you got me – I mean this killer’s some kind of grade-A wacko, right? I mean, some Satan worshipping, Anne Rice-reading, gothic, psycho vampire wannabe.

Helpfully, Edlund points out in the first 4 minutes that the monster is a fangirl wannabe.

Slightly different influences, but basically the broad strokes of their motivation. :P

* * *

Was that the monster as the dark-haired waitress that we cut immediately to after that? I can’t remember what they looked like except that they were dark-haired… These scenes are crowded.

…

I think that was them. :D

…

The whole Oktoberfest thing has basically no bearing on the plot in the entire episode, it’s literally just a random aesthetic decision.

Edluuund.

* * *

How comes Jamie knows what feds are meant to be like in the first place? Does she have experience with them swinging by regularly? What’s up in this town that feds often end up at her bar? (How long has the shifter lived there, doing weird things? And it just changed up its methods to movie deaths this month?)

Welp, it leads us to our first Dean-flirting-as-a-fed moment. I don’t really remember it happening much before? We’ve now experienced the slide where they basically just go for fed disguise to get access to most things at this point (they’re brave enough to try mortuaries as feds when they had such trouble posing as students/journalists/whatever in the early seasons). 

I just have an ongoing interest in Dean posing as a fed and how he acts within his fake persona and it’s Edlund’s fault for ~reasons~

> DEAN  
> I’m a maverick, ma'am. A rebel with a badge. One thing I don’t play by: the rules.
> 
> DEAN winks.

(Also to blame: next episode. Which, if this one wasn’t meant to come right before it but now it does, accidentally creates a 2 in a row comparison of Dean flirting as a fed and constructs a much more meaningful narrative. :P)

Anyway, this seems to be the point where Dean goes from just acting like a fed to get what he wants (e.g. in Dream a Little Dream threatening someone who wouldn’t give him info with arresting them and other stuff pulled out his butt) to at this point playing around and creating a sort of Burt Macklin persona (not literally like Burt Macklin but like, making a sort of alter ego). His description of how he seems himself is pretty jokey and probably playing off the noir theme of the episode anyway, but anyway it’s part of his slow building of a persona for himself within the disguise and maybe we can assume this open look at his jokey descriptions of their job is sort of the thing he falls back into when pretending to be a fed any time he does express this other self: he is flirting with her as, and using the language for, an FBI dude. I honestly can’t remember but doesn’t she never find out they’re not FBI and just kind of rolls with this being a sort of X-Files style job where monsters may happen but the FBI just kind of knows and is trained to deal with it?

Anyway, he is emotionally beneficially acting not himself for this entire episode. In an episode about everyone playing roles and being made to play roles.

* * *

I just find it funny that the guy they interview next is an apparently known drunkard called Brewer. 

And I’m just here for his hilarious mannerisms drinking from that ridiculous tall tankard…

I love Brewer. Excellent Dracula impression. :D

* * *

Oh! The shapeshifter is playing at being Lucy. To give us another Dracula link. :P Lucy and “Mina”. BFF vampire victims. Shifter casting themselves as a “victim” in order to ensnare its actual victim.

> LUCY  
> Crazy Ed and his vampire story.
> 
> JAMIE  
> He might be weird, but he’s not crazy.

Jamie is a decent human being and I like her. :D 

> JAMIE  
> Besides, no self-respecting bar wench lets herself get picked up by a customer on the first try.
> 
> DEAN  
> Well, I’m not a customer. I’m a federal agent.
> 
> JAMIE  
> Try again tomorrow, G-Man.

Am now Jamie blog.

Also I’m loving Dean’s continued fleshing out of his G-Man persona, along with his ridiculous characterisation of Sam. :P

* * *

Wow, this dude really deserves to get eaten by a werewolf. Gross. 

I assume the shifter provided all the dry ice for the scene here as well, because there’s so much.

* * *

I have no idea what’s going on with everyone drinking from giant cups here. Is there some reference I’m missing? Or is this just part of the ongoing ridiculous atmosphere of the episode? It always makes me laugh when we get to the second interview and it turns out to be part of the bizarre pattern of this place. :D

* * *

The thing about it being a shifter is that they didn’t need to eat/drink any of these people? They just randomly decided to start devouring people because that was in-character.

Shifters are weird.

I suppose being a monster just comes with the extra chance of really skewy monster morality (plus the stuff the shifter says when trying to make themselves sound sympathetic at the end?) … all the ones we’ve met so far are killers but always killers for traumatic emotional reasons and just missing that little bit of what the show defines as literal humanity to stop them lashing out like this. (We never got a profile for the one in Nightshifter which is a shame. Maybe this is Edlund paying us back for that. :P)

* * *

Sam is actually eating this episode. He ate the big pretzel and now he’s eating stuff at the bar with Dean. *finds that oddly surreal* 

* * *

Hah, another nod to Lucy being the monster, blink and you miss it, to see them reading a Screen Idol magazine, linking them to the movie subtext :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> Hey, you think this Dracula could turn into a bat? That would be cool.

Filed under: things they just flat out told Edlund  _no_  about.

Dean’s hyperactivity this episode is almost certainly just putting off a massive freak out, and I think in that respect while it doesn’t gel too great with how dark the last couple of episodes were, it does lead on well into Yellow Fever forcing a proper examination of how Dean’s mental state is holding up. 

(I often assume they just repress stuff for the sole reason that MotW format doesn’t work so well if the poor emotional state is TOO front and centre. See also: season 10′s wild ride re: Dean’s mental state when the Mark made it really hard to write normal Dean stuff even in MotW format…

Basically they just write some episodes here with a “normal” or “default” Dean but of course he HAS a ton of issues, he’s just not looking at them yet, and so we get the narrative of emotional repression literally for the sake of having less complicated episodes where he just jokes about getting back from Hell.

Actually I was commenting in 4x03 about John where Mary said he was sweet etc despite the war: that’s a parallel to Dean coming back from Hell, acting normal chirpy etc (if the original order was maintained coming after this episode rather than 2 before) and having this nice sweet interaction with Jamie, but maintaining throughout this FBI persona and running the whole courtship from under this mask of happy unaffected Dean who drinks beer and gets foam on his nose.)

* * *

That’s a  _really good_  Mummy. Best monster on the show tbh.

* * *

Honestly I just wanted to commemorate this moment.

Don’t ask for hows and whys of my screenshot habit.

* * *

> SAM  
> This is stupid.

Have u not been in an Edlund episode b4?

* * *

Dracula! Run Jamie! 

The fact Dean has punched Dracula in the face is one of my favourite facts of the show.

*Dracula hisses angrily* He’s so good at using his cloak. Actors must love being given a part where they can engage Ultimate Ham Mode.

That moment of mental readjustment after watching Dracula leave on a scooter. 

* * *

But I mean seriously the shadows in this episode. And Dean trapped behind bars. And. And. 

*sobs because this episode by nature can only exist once in canon* :P

* * *

Oh my god I forgot it had a fucking Intermission. I’m screencapping that just to put an intermission into my rewatch. Go get some popcorn guys.

* * *

* * *

Sam’s changed out of his fed suit into normal clothes but Dean is still wearing a suit while he’s sitting around drinking with Jamie. I assume he’s explained things to her, but is he still playing FBI?

> JAMIE  
> So, you guys are like Mulder and Scully or something, and The X-Files are real?
> 
> DEAN  
> No, The X-Files is a TV show. This is real.
> 
> JAMIE  
> Oh.

Dean probs assumes Sam is Scully in this case (as he does other times :P) and doesn’t deny that they’re FBI - just denies that the X-Files is real (presumably because of their long time prejudice about aliens :P) and makes out like they actually do the job properly and for real unlike those fictional TV characters. Just sinking further into that persona in front of Jamie.

> JAMIE  
> Wait a second. Who the hell is Mina?
> 
> SAM  
> Mina?
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah. That’s what he called Jamie. And he called me Mr. Harker.
> 
> SAM  
> Jonathan Harker? They’re characters from the movies and the novels – Mina, Dracula’s intended bride, Harker the fiancé that stands in the way. Seems like he’s fixating on you, like he sees you as his bride.

*grumbles about Dean the horror movie nerd apparently not knowing this* *grumbles harder because this is Edlund who wrote Hollywood Babylon which detailed just how obsessive about movies Dean was*

I just do not get how he gets seasons of knowing horror movies and pop culture in general and blanks on Mina and Mr Harker. :P

* * *

I mean he seems to recognise the generic details of the monsters, but not the fine print? I don’t know.

Maybe Dean came back from Hell with a few holes in his memories.

* * *

Convenient that Ed Brewer happens to also work at the movie theatre. :P

* * *

Oh! No, apparently Dean has told her that they’re not FBI. I guess just without breaking the illusion of wearing suits and Sam being his “partner” in it rather than bringing it down to the personal level. He splurges his guts while still somehow under a faint level of not himself, avoiding full truths and keeping up a shell of being not quite Dean Winchester.

I can see why this was moved to after 4x03 though, where he made a pretty clear stance about picking family over saving people when challenged since this could ring MASSIVELY untrue on the wrong side of that despite this being one of the droopy music honest!Dean moments (emotionally, not, like, factually, based on the music cues and A+ acting plus the fact he wouldn’t say half of this if he was pulling a sob story out of his butt):

> JAMIE  
> So, this is what you do? You and your partner just tramp across the country on your own dime until you find some horrible nightmare to fight?
> 
> […] That must suck. I mean, you’re giving up your life for this terrible… I don’t know, responsibility.
> 
> DEAN  
> Last few years, I started thinking that way, and, uh, it started sort of weighing on me. Of course, that was before… A little while ago, I had this – let’s call it a near-death experience. Very near.  
> And, uh, when I came to… things were different. My life’s been different. I realize that I help people. Not just help them, though. I save them. I guess it’s – it’s awesome. It’s kind of like a gift… like a mission. Kind of like a… a mission from God.

I guess the interpretation would be that the inevitability of 4x03′s plot where he just managed to see himself kickstart their whole sorry lives and to find out it was all set in stone and there was no chance to save his family, has left him reconciling what his life actually is since then: putting himself back on the idea if he’s here and stuck with it and there’s no changing who he is or what they are, then he’s got to help people (guilt about Hell can’t hurt getting him back on this mindset either). 4x04 had him refer to God having an opinion on Sam’s powers after Cas told him to stop Sam, and so we have a second episode running where the impact of angels on their lives is coming out in Dean’s changed faith: by now he’s reconciling what Cas said in 4x01 about Dean having work to do as applying to their whole lives. As far as he knows, part of why he was brought back was to continue doing what he does (as that’s the only worth he would think he has anyway: what he can contribute to the world by just ensuring  _other people_  are alive. Jamie points out how much he’s giving up of himself and his potential for a normal life in exchange for the responsibility, emphasising how he’s boxed himself off in that way).

So I guess the last handful of episodes were almost like reprogramming Dean from his mindsets in the past couple of seasons (the last few years being his slide into disliking hunting in season 2 and much more casual attitude about saving people in season 3 when his sympathy seemed in short supply while he was busy dying): 4x02 reminds them of collateral damage and their need to save people (not intentional from Lilith but from the narrative anyway :P) and 4x03 gives Dean a lesson in priorities and inevitability of them being hunters and so on. 4x04 was mostly about Sam’s choices anyway aside from that shocking comment from Dean, and now we have Dean leaning into the mission from God thing.

(Oh man he’s going to be disappointed :P)

* * *

Interrupting Lucy! They’re clearly not pleased Jamie is bonding with someone else.

* * *

You know if the shifter had just tried they probably could have been friends with this Brewer guy since he clearly has a similar love of films and flare for the dramatic. Like oh my god they would have made things so much easier. :P

… Never mind the fact they pass as pretty ordinary when playing Lucy. If they just put their mind to it they could have made a conventionally attractive dude to win her over and just had a lot of movie nights together to appreciate the monsters together peacefully. No one dies! 

…

We are probably not meant to offer the shifter some easy life advice. I’ve seen this episode way too many times. :P

* * *

Sam accidentally trying to pull off a guy’s face. Earning another random hilarious apologetic expression from him.

* * *

I think this is the first time Dean’s knees are exposed in canon? He wears shorts later in the season as a gym teacher, but not yet. Not yet.

*serious discussion*

* * *

I wonder what would have happened if the shifter fixated on chick flicks.

I guess they did have the whole monster thing going on that drove them down this specific path but still. :P

* * *

I think it’s so tragic they think they can subvert the tropes by making their own movies but they actually just end up dying anyway and the heroes escape. Probably a commentary on destiny through storytelling and considering how this season is the one where the books come to light and it turns out their whole lives are a tropey story, the kicking off point of this theme. :P

Dean vs destiny showing up again but a bit more positively for Dean breaking out of the story that was trying to be forced on him BUT still doing the tropey generic hero thing, gets the girl, etc.

I dunno. Dracula’s getting pizza and I’m distracted. :P

He has a coupon.

* * *

I have always wondered about how everyone has easy access to the bar after it’s closed. 

* * *

This is my aesthetic:

Just without the whole being held captive by a mentally unstable monster thing. :P

* * *

There is no way that pizza is still hot.

* * *

Aw poor  ~~Mina~~  Jamie is so upset that her friend wasn’t real. :(

I mean not everyone complaining about fake friends literally has this problem.

I just feel so bad that Lucy was a perfectly adequate friend and tbh maybe she and Jamie should have just made out with each other. See how easy these fixes are, Dracula?

* * *

Ooh this shapeshifter kind of fits the pattern from season 6:

> DRACULA  
> “Real” is being born this way. Different. “Real” is having your dad call you “monster” – it’s the first time you hear the word. And he tries to beat you to death with a shovel.

(I am deeply amused Superwiki lists them as ‘Dracula’ :P)

But yeah, the parents having no idea their baby was a shapeshifter because the mom got knocked up by a shapeshifter posing as the dad. Obviously they don’t know this happened in their life, but it’s still suggesting they were a monster in a ‘normal’ family.

* * *

This shifter is like the definition of “cool motive, still murder.”

* * *

Booooooo don’t hit my Jamie. :< *throws popcorn at Dracula*

* * *

Aaand our second but not last Hansel reference. What is with that :P

* * *

I am deeply amused by how Sam kicking down the door looks exactly like a blooper reel of Jared being a doof, but it turns out the whole house is just a bad set.

* * *

Yay go Jamie! :D You kill that monster. :3

But then he has to monologue for like a million years after or else it’s not a proper movie death. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> The hero gets the girl, monster gets the gank.

In this case, ‘twas Jamie who earned the hook up with the cute G-Man, not Dean earning the girl. Shush.

Unless you’re saying you’re the girl. Teehee.

* * *

I hope Dean bought one more big pretzel for the road.


	6. 4x06

_Brave Sir Robin ran away._  
Bravely ran away, away!  
When danger reared its ugly head,   
He bravely turned his tail and fled.  
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about  
And gallantly he chickened out.  
Bravely taking to his feet  
He beat a very brave retreat,  
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!

Yes that always gets stuck in my head when I watch this, no I am not sorry if it’s now stuck in yours.

* * *

This is one of those episodes where you actually shouldn’t skip the opening stuff because it reminds you of that clip of Dean fleeing from hellhounds in his dream in 3x16 and then cuts to him fleeing from the Most Fearsome Monster. Which works fine as a joke on its own, but it’s just better to have recently seen the similar clip of him in Actual Serious Peril. :P

* * *

Also implies through the “I pulled you out of Hell, I can throw you back in” reminder that maybe Dean pissed Cas off too much and so he’s sicced Hellhounds on Dean before you figure out what’s going on. 

* * *

Anyway to actually be serious for a moment, this episode sort of, as I mused in my last rewatch, is a matched pair with 4x05 for Dean characterisation (the episodes really have come 2 by 2 this season so far :P). If you go through my [4x05 tag](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/tagged/4x05) pretty much as soon as I was done rewatching suddenly there was bi Dean meta everywhere from that episode. The basic jist of it was about the thematic ideas/references building the subtext, and Dean’s actions being about trying to get himself back together and figure himself out after Hell, using his “re-hymenated” status to suggest he was a blank slate, and that persona I talked about him building basically being the sort of conventional straight heroic dude he’d want to be (and with his speech to Jamie about how he felt he was on a mission now, reducing the job back down to its simple saving people ideals he’s previously tried to live by before things got so complicated). Basically, building the walls back up.

This episode instead strips away all the stuff from Dean that he’s tried to assert himself as: he’s said a couple of times already this season how he’s scared, and shown fear at Cas, and we have the as yet unexplored Hell memories subplot, which has only been hinted at in a few flashes in his dreams. Actually, the hellhound clip that started the recap was from his dream in the open of 3x16 as well - both that chase and this one that mirrors it with the lil yorkie were both figments of Hellhounds and not the actual things: representations of his fear. The joke with the dog in the opening is important to pair with the flashback to Dean being scared of actual Hellhounds because it shows that this isn’t just a random joke about what’s cute instead of scary: the lil dog is associated directly with the Hellhounds, and Dean’s fears for this episode are about Hell and all the other things beyond his control in his life.

(Except the bit with the cat. That’s just  _funny_.)

* * *

Okay the dog thing is pretty hilarious too. Its little yap as it chases after him again. :3

* * *

> CORONER  
> Everybody drops dead sooner or later. It’s why I got job security.

Best line of the episode. :P

Dean quietly insisting the coroner do an autopsy: he’s not being threatening or anything but it’s him being assertive about his role as a Fed again: trying to continue the confident persona he had going from last episode (probably not random the cold open had him running away from the dog in his suit). Sam says later in this episode that Dean probably got the ghost fever because he’s a jerk, but I find it interesting that while Sam had those gross fluids splattered on him, Dean’s contact with the dead guy was to be handed his heart. More heart symbolism for Dean. I’m not keeping a thorough tally but yeah. :P This whole sickness is about the heart.

Symbolism! \o/

(I mean maybe in-episode you could say he was kind of a jerk to the coroner to make him do the autopsy but he played it very calmly and the guy just seems snarky not offended or lashing out at them - just kind of black humour amused at them getting covered in spleen juice/made to hold the heart (and because the objectively grosser thing happened to Sam, and he was more amused at that, more than making Dean hold the heart, it doesn’t seem like one of them was being picked on yet).)

* * *

Oh look it’s this cutie. :D 

He smiles awkwardly/shyly at them and Sam keeps glaring but Dean smiles back. I am dead. 

(And his little “wow your boss is a dick” glance at him when they’re heading into the office :3 Look they have 5 seconds interaction over the entire episode, I’m scratching out what I can. :P)

Even Dean’s fed shoes have more of a heel than Sam’s.

* * *

> SHERIFF BRITTON  
> Me and Frank, we were friends. Hell, we were gamecocks.
> 
> Dean snickers. Sheriff gives him a stern look. Dean looks abashed.
> 
> SHERIFF BRITTON  
> That’s our softball team’s name. They’re majestic animals.

*shakes head at Dean* :P Always assuming things, huh, Dean? I have no idea if that’s actual slang for something, but he definitely took it as innuendo. May not be strictly queer subtext for Dean but it’s part of the tapestry and anyway shows at least that non-hetero reading comes to Dean pretty easily. :P (”I don’t judge” he says a million years down the line in the most recent Dabb episode.)

(Oh yeah, Dabb has arrived. *fanfare* I’m now aware he is Bad at Cars guy after putting together that he wrote 9x22 and 10x22, so I’m officially on watch for any more Bad at Cars stuff with him. :P On the other hand he didn’t write w/o Loflin until 8x08 so his Bad at Cars-ness may be tempered for a while)

* * *

ACTUALLY I was half-joking with the last comment but the very next scene reminded me that it’s  **always**  bugged me that when they’re walking they’re heading for the car, and then we see the car behind all the teenagers that Dean’s scared of, and he says “let’s walk this way” so I guess that means they’re walking to the house and not driving? Because that completely changes what they were aiming to do? And then they just pop up at snake guy’s house and then that cuts to them being in the car again. If they were heading on an alternative route to get to the car, that’s silly because the teenagers were practically leaning on it they were so close. How else would they have even got there? Is it just a coincidence that their walk would have taken them past the car?

Also did Dean say “walk this way” because they’re using Aerosmith aliases?

* * *

Actually Dean’s been more of a jerk since he got ghost sickness than before - both laughing at the gamecocks thing and at the victim’s bullying habits come after he’s infected. It’s sort of proving he’s the kind of jerk who might get infected, but only after he’s been uncapped a little? He was uncomfortable in both those interviews either by the sheriff’s weird germ thing (a trait Dean shares but not so extreme :P) and then obviously by the snakes.

* * *

I’m just musing (as I take 3 years to watch this because cups of tea must be made etc) on how I spent a lot of the opening of season 1 contemplating how Dean seemed to be scared of Sam and how I counted 3-4 at least jump scares pulled on Dean with Sam, and how his fear of as well as for Sam has been a very ongoing thing at this point. He said earlier this season how he was terrified about Sam and his powers. Kinda wonder if the teenagers (loitering beside the car) are metaphorical of Sam in the same way the lil doggy was a hellhound. Dean’s not actually old enough yet (though with the Hell years..?) for the show to prod at him with old man jokes as it did in season 10. But he does have a kid bro with him who he often reduces down to the kid he had to raise and protect because of the role hammered into him. Sam represented as a vaguely threatening gang of teenagers associated as getting between Dean and the car (i.e. security and a simple life of driving around hunting stuff) seems a pretty good analogy.

* * *

The snake is probably literally just a dick metaphor.

* * *

Well I mean like, Dean just laughed at the sheriff for “gamecocks” and the snake crawling all over him is probably I dunno representative of his internalised homophobia or other connected fears, right after he shared a few cute smiles and a brief moment of meaningful eyes with Deputy Linus. Probably? :P 

* * *

New jump scare where Sam gets in the car suddenly and makes Dean jump out of his skin. :P

* * *

*Dean drives like a grandma*

> DEAN  
> Sam, I’m not gonna make a left-hand turn into oncoming traffic. I’m not suicidal.
> 
> Sam gives Dean a confused look.
> 
> DEAN  
> Did I just say that? That was kind of weird.

Depressingly, kind of weird because of Dean always skewing towards suicidal if pushed. :<

* * *

Dean rejects the box of doughnuts Sam hands to him with a suspicious sniff: points for “not hungry = not okay” and perhaps “is Sam trying to poison me?” :P

* * *

They’re staying at the bluebird motel and apparently that’s not just the song but they actually are symbolic of happiness. Which Dean rejects to stay in.

Kind of ironic naming here thematically. :P

His “it’s high” is a good nod back to his one canonically acknowledged worst fear, and probably also with the joke about friends in high places from a couple of episodes ago, is a subtle link to his fear of Cas? I dunno :P *probably stretching for interpretation now*

* * *

Dean doesn’t even laugh at the “cornjerkers” thing. He’s broken. :P

* * *

This message of “why are you less scary than me?” about the disease getting on people who use fear as a weapon makes more sense once Dean reveals what he did in Hell. >.>

*heart bleeds for him*

* * *

*Dean rejects the doughnuts for a second time*

* * *

Sitting in the hotel room we can hear his heart thumping really loudly. He’s watching the clock - considering he has a deadline on his life AGAIN like literally 6 episodes after he last was waiting for his time to run out, the mortality contemplating here is pretty intense. :(

I love this shot:

Pretty sure the book insulting Dean is all his own subconscious making fun of him, which is hilarious. And sad.

* * *

Poor sunburst clock. :(

* * *

Dean’s self-medicating with beer. GOOD ATTITUDE.

Oh no they’re heading out to the lumber mill. :D

Now Dean is just plain scared of the job they do, from the locations to the weapons, to the dark.

* * *

Dean’s just generally not good with any animals, is he? 

* * *

I never realised that they accidentally/accidentally-deliberately tore the picture they found (like Sam does later to summon the ghost again) which made him show up the first time. I mean it made  _sense_  why Sam tore them to get the ghost’s attention, I just didn’t realise he’d already learned that it was this exact action that did it and so repeating it was him applying learned knowledge of the situation cleverly.

* * *

What was up with Dean’s hand in the main Deputy Linus scene? Maybe he was getting the germ phobia too just by memory of their last trip here and then the realisation that, like, germs can  _kill_  people. He spent quite some time examining it in the background of the conversation and then did the thing where he wipes it on his trouser leg a few times just before Sam comes to drag him away.

(blurry picture because background Dean with Sam in focus)

Anyways, here he is self-medicating with hard liquor and now REALLY drunk to sake away his fears. So at this point he’s sort of… back to functioning re: shoving all that fear away under a whole bottle of whiskey, and on the scale of things that aren’t going to kill him, harmlessly telling the really cute cop that he’s awesome is pretty safe. :P

*patented Sam Winchester apologetic yoink off-screen*

I’m not always there to tinhat the background stuff but look at him with his desk tidy of pink purple and blue things. :3

* * *

Aaah gross, that is not how you scratch an itch, Sheriff. 

Guilt trip + scrubbing yourself bloody. Very Macbeth. (Honestly the motivation is a bit weird and screwy here since the ghost sickness randomly passes through this group of friends but then it turns out to be intensely personal, but then Dean gets it? I know Sam said it was more like a regular disease just spreading at random after it had infected those it needed to, but still. :P That’s an ass-pull line to explain how it covers such a weird range of characters.)

(The fact Deputy Linus didn’t get it while in close contact with the Sheriff is basically sealing his Precious Cinnamon Roll status.)

* * *

Dean outright  _whimpers_  in alarm at the sight of an old lady. Smooth.

This time it’s Sam with a red exit sign behind his head - I think Kayanem noticed one behind him in Monster Movie as well. He’s red exit guy this season.

* * *

> DEAN  
> This isn’t gonna work. Come on, these badges are fake. What if we get busted? We could go to jail.

Aaand here we have our link back to 4x05 where now Dean is a walking bundle of nerves, he can’t pull off the badge, or the persona that he established with it, which was not just for the pretence of the case, but extended into his whole personal interactions through last episode, including the romance subplot. The thought of pretending to be someone else seems extremely daunting because even though he’s done it is a zillion times, we were shown last episode how Dean is playing a role, putting on a mask, and basically pouring a great deal of effort and imaginative energy into playing the guy who has the badge and flirts with wenches and saves the day. (Which, I mean, Jamie killed the monster but shh don’t remind Dean of that now when he’s fragile :P) The fact that Dean is scared that their badges won’t hold up isn’t anything to do with the badges, and everything to do with what he throws into using the badge. Remember how in season 1 he gave Sam the  “Bikini Inspector” badge to pass off, and talked him into doing it? Dean knows the badges may be laughably faked, but it’s all about the confidence and what you project that lets you pull off all this lying. This is probably the most important set of episodes for establishing that Dean is constantly working under a façade and also that it affects him outside of the FBI just, just that the FBI stuff gives us localised strong examples of him doing it. His personal state crumbling leads to him not being able to summon the confidence he needs to do the badge thing. (And it’s the weird and over-zealous pride in having made his badge in 10x08 as well as Deputy Douche’s interactions with him that made such an interesting callback to this, and it’s this whole mindset about personas and projected faces that made it so damn fascinating with how Dean played with the badge in the Aaron scene - both things Jensen added as acting choices that we have HEARD were acting choices, and fit amazingly into this narrative.)

*shrugs*

This is sort of my favourite thing :P

* * *

Lizzy’s ongoing interest in washed out colours x red on this show:

* * *

> DEAN  
> Those are real, obviously. I mean, who would pretend to be an FBI agent, huh? That’s just nutty.

Still feel like it’s more than just the thing they do for their job - like, Dean is assigning “pretend to be an FBI agent” an emotional value not just a practical one, since he knows there is a practical side to what they do, yet he’s babbling anxiously about people pretending to do it like it’s actually a sign of something more.

* * *

Not just because of the light catching his eyes (although that helps :P) but he has half his face in shadow again. It was much more stark last episode in the black and white high contrast, but it’s a thing here still.

It’s a reaction to this line:

> MR. GARLAND  
> But…that’s fear. It spreads and spreads.

* * *

Dean’s “I’m done” speech is legendary.

He mentions hellhounds minutes before running into the little doggie.

Some other things from his break down: fear of the apocalypse, their job in general, and the unsanitary, unhealthy life. 

My poor child. :( I think for every joke people make on those gifsets of him being fussy about germs about how does he even do this job, there’s a billion moments when he bottles up how much he hates touching gross things and all the times he grabs comfort or hooks up… He’s not happy. :(

* * *

Now he’s back in the hotel room he’s in the room with the red walls and there’s a red light behind him. Right back to the doomy imagery from when he was dying in season 3. Yay!

* * *

I was about to comment that there were diamonds on the wall and that means demons and then Sam went all Yellow Eyes murdery demon.

Because of course Dean is terrified of Sam and this is one of his worst fears manifesting. Not just that the worst would happen to Sam, but in a way that is terrifying as a personal threat to Dean.

* * *

(Oh hey this aired on my birthday!)

Right, so Dean says he ran home, and that he has 4 hours left on the clock. Sam’s taken longer to get back than Dean despite having the car, but it can’t be TOO late because they were in the nursing home around sunset since it was light when they were talking to the guy there and then dark when they left. Cut to the next morning where it’s bright and early, and Bobby’s shown up after roughly a 10 hour drive according to Google maps, and they still have time to deal with Dean’s problems. :P

Sam says they have 2 hours left as he and Bobby chillax leaning on the car.

I’m confused.

*bad at cars*

* * *

I am so sorry Dabb I didn’t mean to start poking you as soon as you showed up but TBH I am still confused about the hilarious 3 minute car chase across like half of America that Dean n Cas did in 10x22 and how Sam took like 3 weeks to make a 20 mile drive in the same time.

Explain that one to me and I’ll let you off Bobby teleporting and also apparently finding time to do research before showing up.

* * *

Anyway, hilariously ironic TV watching for Dean. Yikes.

This is a pretty horrific end for the ghost, especially as it was emphasised he was an innocent victim and a good guy, and his ghost sickness is sort of a disease he can’t help spreading even if he is sort of vengeful now? 

It’s forcing Bobby and Sam to basically re-enact his murder and become the monsters to save Dean.

Like wow. :P

~themes~

* * *

Wow, the Sheriff sure was making a lot of barking noises.

*giggles at Dean’s hallucinations*

Dean’s freaked out way he slaps the gun out of the Sheriff’s hand is hilarious. 

I guess he’s seeing Dean as someone from his past who he wronged - maybe even AS the ghost since he’s personally tied to him?

Anyway he’s dead now so that’s cool and Dean’s stuck to deal with a dead body while totally freaked out about what to do. :P

* * *

Sam that is so rude, these are really nice pictures.

* * *

I wonder why the mill was shut down after this? He was just the janitor. Maybe part of the cover up? I dunno :P

* * *

Ah, Dean stuck in his claustrophobic red room, with a red light and another light which from this angle has… 2 yellow eyes. 

* * *

Those naff bedspreads show up a lot but I can’t remember all the interesting instances.

* * *

Hi Lilith :3 Such a cutie!

Oops, she’s telling us allll the gossip.

> LILITH  
> What’s the matter, Dean? Don’t you remember all the fun you had down there? You do remember. 4 months is like 40 years in hell. Like doggy years. And you remember every second.

I never caught this reference to Dean and dogs but here’s another instance of someone equating him to a dog!

* * *

OKAY that was a good scary white eye reveal.

This kid is too good at what she does. I am genuinely afraid of Lilith in this iteration.

* * *

> DEAN  
> Why me? Why’d I get infected?
> 
> LILITH  
> Silly goose. You know why, Dean. Listen to your heart.
> 
> DEAN  
> Whu…?

*Dean starts having a heart attack* So yep I’d say she was implying that Dean deserved this because of what he did in Hell. 

* * *

> SAM  
> It was what he was most afraid of. It was pretty brutal, though.
> 
> DEAN  
> On the upside, I’m still alive, so uh, go team!

Got to love your family compromising their humanity for you when it was just revealed that Sam’s compromised humanity is your worst fear after Hell itself. :P

*Dean still sees a paranoid glimpse of yellow in Sam’s eyes and lies to him about what he saw* Healthy. :P

* * *

Okay but the scenery porn here:

* * *

My favourite thing about this episode was like the executive decision: “Should we put this on the blooper reel?” “Hell no, that’s a deleted scene.” “That’s not a deleted scene, that needs to happen  _before the episode credits_. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO MISS THE GLORY OF THIS”

…

On the other hand I suppose it did shake the Monty Python song out of my head. :P


	7. 4x07

Tumblr apparently celebrates Halloween in July so this actually isn’t unseasonal unlike the Christmas episode.

* * *

I can not believe this episode morally punishes a dude for sneaking 1 Halloween candy. 

*she says ignoring the revolting stuff happening on screen and just watching the pumpkin guy dance some more*

But seriously I assume the witches knew that the guy was the absolute worst and was going sneak that candy before any kids took it?

* * *

It’s quite an impressive leap of logic to go from “there were no other blades in the candy” to “he managed to swallow 4 all from one piece of candy”.

Also the wife’s very justified concerns about how this is an extremely inefficient way to murder people.

* * *

I am deeply amused by Sam being really concerned about the title, peering at it like, who’s writing these things about me?

Green and purple are good spooky colours.

Lock n key pattern! A very important theme.

This episode is about busting out a high profile demon with a series of spells which must be done by a certain time to raise him, as part of a grander plan to do a series of spells to raise a high profile fallen angel :P Also “lock and key” fits into the secrets theme, since we’re about to find out that Sam’s still using his powers, AND the angels are going to lie to them all episode.

Meanwhile: Dean eats a lot of candy.

Not everyone can have a dramatic subplot. :P

* * *

Okay no serious point he is indulging himself and enjoying the benefits of Halloween candy being plentiful: last episode he rejected doughnuts repeatedly while he was ill: now he’s sort of showing he’s back to a somewhat normal emotional balance, or at least pretending to be normal (given we just found out he remembers Hell) and that involves cheerfully eating sweet things and maintaining his fun live-in-the-moment personality.

Even if the candy does catch up to him this episode. :P

* * *

If the goldthread had been extinct for 200 years, it’s a good thing that the witches stockpiled it for when they had to inevitably raise Samhain. :P

(The fact that they kept it long enough is a good enough sign that SOMEONE has been waiting for a chance to do this for a bloody long time, further to the ongoing theory that there’ve been many attempts to start the apocalypse)

* * *

Ah man the sexual tension between the witch and the girl in the nurse outfit. :P Nurse and the teenaged host of the house party both do the same breath-take reaction to her bending over the apple bobbing thing, and the nurse definitely looks over her shoulder at the witch before she has a go. Kind of shame she had to go and die immediately after because she had been flirted to death. :<

* * *

The witch is a pretty good actress… This is one of the more horrible deaths though. She didn’t have to  _boil_  the water as well. Drowning is already dead enough.

* * *

*rolls eyes at Dean when Sam warns him off ‘jail bait’* (doesn’t matter she’s hundreds of years old, they don’t know that yet :P) 

Ah, problematic faves. >.> Basically have to start telling yourself he’s over-performing generic dudebro heterosexual masculinity for ~reasons~ to make this bearable as the seasons roll on. 

* * *

I love this pan over the table where Dean is researching: contents of a hexbag, candy wrappers, a big coffee cup, an open bag of chips, a beer…

Quick, profile this man based off his desk. :P

(Oh, pizza boxes too)

I love the colour here.

* * *

I feel pretty uncomfortable about Sam wearing his button up unbuttoned though. COVER YOURSELF UP, MAN.

(He’s not even revealing the purple dog shirt. It’s just a grey t-shirt.)

* * *

That’s not a Celtic calendar. :P

* * *

Maybe Dean doesn’t recognise Samhain’s name because Sam is pronouncing it wrong.

* * *

*still waiting for Cas*

* * *

Oh man I know people talk about it a lot but that uncomfortable pause while Dean is lost in blissful thought after this line:

> DEAN:  
> Yeah, well, if you were a six-hundred-year-old hag and you could pick any costume to come back in, wouldn’t you go for a hot cheerleader? I would, hmm…

Is actually about 30% of the entire length of the episode.

* * *

Oh god the creepy masks thing. Sam asking  _brings back memories_? THE HELL SOUND EFFECT LAID OVER IT.

S’funny that Dean is looking up at the horrific flayed faces and Sam was looking at the much cuter, comically scary masks beside him. Possibly a reflection on a lot of things in their lives i.e. how Sam has had a lot of the darker moments of their childhood hidden from him or obscured by the storytelling John and Dean did… He sees the cute masks that remind him of whimsical childhood times, Dean is having full on war flashbacks.

Dean gets cute about the giant bong some kid is making, pretty much deflecting onto a joke to make the past he chooses to share instead. (Hey, here we have an actual example of him deflecting by picking a different vice to emphasise - see, when I don’t want to think about Dean being serious in the jail bait moment, the show gives me this subtext to twist around and apply backwards to make myself feel better in the very same episode and now we can call everything including his candy eating a coping mechanism and be done with it. :P)

* * *

The other witch just casually spills a whole lot to make them suspicious of cheerleader witch. Though given how much they don’t get along I’d almost wonder if he was dobbing her in deliberately just out of spite :P

For a bright sunny outdoors shot this is really sinister:

* * *

I can not BELIEVE Sam would try and give away Dean’s candy to the astronaut. He really is on a dark arc this season. :(

(boo random fat shaming)

I had a “who wrote this!?” moment after that and went to look it up, and this is a new writer, who’s only written in season 4-5 

[http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Julie_Siege](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DJulie_Siege&t=YTdlODBjMDY2MDhlN2JjOTc2M2I1ZjI3ODBmMDVjYTIyOGIwYjc5MyxWZEVrUzRzWA%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F124989011543%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x07-tumblr-apparently&m=1)

Strange mix of episodes I love and ones I’m meh about. Problematic fave I didn’t even know existed :P

* * *

Yey Cas is here! \o/

And Sam nearly shot him. Dean valiantly dives in to protect his bae. :D

*Cas sitting there in the foreground like oh no socialising I’ll just wait until they’re done shouting and making meaningless noise and join in when the conversation is on my level*

* * *

*enjoys Cas continuing this attitude through Sam’s painful attempt to say hello*

*he gets super plot heavy immediately because that’s where he’s comfortable* Ah, Cas vs small talk. Definitely manages to kill any of that dead. 

* * *

*just really really enjoys everyone in this scene* Still kinda sad we never saw Cas in any huge battles with demons or going really smite-y, because those all happened off-screen. :<

* * *

> CASTIEL:  
> We’re out of time. This witch has to die, the seal must be saved.
> 
> SAM:  
> There are a thousand people here.
> 
> URIEL:  
> One thousand two hundred fourteen.
> 
> SAM:  
> And you’re willing to kill them all?

This is posing the same morality question as Jus in Bello, for the ongoing Ruby and Cas parallel, except that was small scale, and the one who had to die to save the many was a virgin not a witch, and in this case it’s angels asking them to do it not a demon. Since stopping the slaughter of thousands involves killing something bad, they don’t even stop to contemplate it because it’s a total non-question vs the vague undefined notion of a broken seal and the apocalypse being  _closer_. 

> SAM:  
> No, you can’t do this, you’re angels, I mean aren’t you supposed to – You’re supposed to show mercy.

Oops. Poor Sam. :( He takes this one hard. (I know Cas was rude to him upfront but I do think it was more about this than being reminded he had demon blood which upset him, since obviously Dean has already told him Cas told him to stop which means he hasn’t valued their opinion on his personal life in the same way and probably was bracing himself for a comment on it/I dunno because Cas knew where he was when he was off exorcising things, maybe worried that meeting angels would mean them revealing what he was still up to.)

> CASTIEL:  
> We have no choice.
> 
> DEAN:  
> Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, what? You’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both, just a couple of hammers?
> 
> CASTIEL:  
> Look, even if you can’t understand it, have faith. The plan is just.

LOOK AT MY BABIES TALKING ABOUT CHOICE AND DEAN TRYING TO MAKE CAS THINK FOR HIMSELF. AAAAAH.

And of course, the point is Cas is MEANT to be a hammer, but even this episode he starts to express the idea he’s not just that. I mean they’re literally here with the either/or of smiting an entire town from the earth. 

(Also for the ongoing Cas and Ruby parallel, he was sent to follow Dean, while Ruby sought out Sam for the exact same reason, i.e. their long-run destiny as it was written means for some mysterious reason both brothers are extremely plot significant, though no one involved actually know what that is :P As always Cas is kinda following in Ruby’s footsteps with Dean but always coming at it from a different angle.)

> CASTIEL:  
> Tell me something, Dean, when your father gave you an order, didn’t you obey?

Low blow, Cas, >.> 

Again, equating God and/or Cas to John (mostly God in this case as they make it quite clear that they too are following orders from Heaven at this point, just don’t say until later aside from these advised courses of action the order is to follow Dean’s orders :P) But Cas is also going to borrow some of Dean’s season 1 arc with his relationship to the random orders coming from God the same way John’s orders to do random MotW came to Dean, and Dean eventually daring to express literally any dissatisfaction with John and disobeyed what he knew John would want re: not wasting bullets from the Colt at the end of the season for his saving his own family greater good idea. 

Basically, low blow and wrong question, Cas. :P Dean might have a hell of a lot of issues left over from this upbringing, but he learned a little along the way about selective disobeying even to John. You’ll get there. :P

> DEAN:  
> No, but if you’re gonna smite this whole town, then you’re gonna have to smite us with it, because we are not leaving. See, you went to the trouble of busting me out of hell. I figure I’m worth something to the man upstairs. So you wanna waste me, go ahead, see how he digs that.

Dean plays this game again he tried in 4x01 with the demons. They reminded us of Cas threatening him to throw him back into Hell before the episode started because that seems like the biggest point of tension between them, but Dean has clearly weighed it in the time since, and decided that  _rationally_  even if it’s very scary and his biggest fear, the angels aren’t likely to do that again after they spent so much energy getting him out - they’re more personally invested than anyone. Though he says this to Uriel, with Cas in the room he’s sort of refuting that threat to him as well and saying “that’s how it is” to the both of them. (Dean really genuinely doesn’t seem afraid at this point)

* * *

*also: lots of staring* *Dean does that inexcusable tongue thing*

* * *

> DEAN:  
> Well, they are righteous, I mean, that’s kinda the problem. Of course there’s nothing more dangerous than some a-hole who thinks he’s on a holy mission.

Oh nooo Dean pls don’t be the person who is always right when they are sarcastic, about that “thinks” there which implies their orders are corrupt. I mean technically here they are still genuinely trying to stop the apocalypse and it’s only later that things definitely shift around to “lol let it happen” but… 

> DEAN:  
> I mean, for all we know, God hates these jerks. 

Aaaaurgh.

This is just a mess of Dean accidentally dropping thoughts that will be relevant further down the line for Cas vs god. :(

* * *

* * *

Okay that was just for enjoyment, but this screenshot makes me laugh because of the contrast I have to point out between the bones and the Crayola felt tips. :P

Loose Venn diagram of “things that belong to children” 

* * *

*ruffles Cas’s hair*

You keep defending Dean and having faith in him doing the right thing. :3

* * *

I like how the teacher changed into a crisp white shirt when he knew he was going to be doing a ton of blood sacrifice that night.

I mean he then gets shot and they ruin his shirt anyway, but it didn’t look like it was going to survive without being stained horribly no matter what.

* * *

Seriously, the inability to see people if they’re wearing a mask is an odd thing. I bet if you play peekaboo with Samhain he thinks you’ve literally vanished when your hands are in front of your face. I mean there’s poor facial recognition or whatever, but he literally can’t register anything that isn’t an unaltered face to the point where people disappear? 

* * *

> DEAN:  
> Well because the angels said so for one –
> 
> SAM:  
> I thought you said they were a bunch of fanatics.
> 
> DEAN:  
> Well they happen to be right about this one.

Heh, I know he’s just using them to back him up in a fight, but Dean sticking up for Cas too. :3

And yeah, Sam immediately goes for the idea of using his powers… Obviously we know for him to be this strong at this point he can’t ever have stopped drinking demon blood to be able to take on Samhain like this so he was ready/itching for the fight. 

Sure enough, as soon as they get to the crypt he splits off from Dean, leaving him to badass kill all the monsters and generally be awesome but  _not_  where the main plot is.

* * *

Samhain knows the same white light thing as Lilith so he must be one of those first demons as well. An awful lot of huge name demons coming out of the woodwork. I’d guess since the apocalypse was such a huge event and it took so much to get him out, there may be other demons this powerful but we don’t see them any more because all the big names that COULD get out and cause havoc over this time were killed, and the demons left over now are mostly the innumerable mooks. 

Anyway Sam is all SCARY CONFIDENT. If Dean can snark Uriel right in his face this episode because he’s confident they won’t be able to actually chuck him back into Hell, Sam’s got a similar “nah they won’t/can’t kill me” with the demons.

* * *

When they fight it’s two shaggy haired guys at once and it’s very confusing as they exchange punches.

* * *

I like how the demon smoke starts coming out of the bullet wounds first.

* * *

Aw, Dean’s “Saaam nooo” face. :( He’s just so sad and disappointed. :(

I don’t think Sam had black eyes there, but they were deeply shadowed and he got the psychic nosebleed and generally looked really wiped out. If we were speculating about what would happen to Sam at the end of the season, people would be talking about his eyes.

* * *

Aaah I forgot in the Uriel conversation he flies right into Sam’s face. 

Rude. :P

> URIEL:  
> It’s the day Azazel killed your mother, and 22 years later your girlfriend too. It must be difficult to bear, yet you so brazenly use the power he gave you. His profane blood pumping through your veins.
> 
> SAM:  
> Excuse me?
> 
> URIEL:  
> You were told not to use your abilities.

This is so extra depressing because the opening reminded us of Jess and stuff almost treating Sam’s non-interest in Halloween in the opening lines he said in the Pilot as a joke to remind us for this episode, but nope, here comes the full crushing context that Sam’s presumably desperately trying not to think about. Like, you don’t just casually drop Jess into a conversation. Yikes.

Uriel goes on to spoil that Dean remembers Hell, because another round of long-held bro secrets is apparently an intolerable thought at this point, so they’re at least making them both aware of the surface issues going on with the other by now :P

* * *

Both brothers get an angel visit but Uriel’s was practical, he didn’t want to be there any more than Sam wanted him there, and he dropped his warnings, spitefully stirred the pot because Dean was rude to him, and got out.

Meanwhile, I’m not sure Cas had any official  _need_  to come to Dean: he could justify it by saying Dean might be more compliant with a better understanding of what the angels had been up to, but basically, Cas is breaking that pattern of the old John Winchester case episodes, where he’d point the boys at a thing and leave them to find out what it was and never check in on them about it after either. Here he dropped in to make sure they were on the case, but then with the situation resolved, he could bugger off until they need to cross paths again. 

He doesn’t. :3

* * *

And awww it’s a playground and that’s the way to Heaven later :3 Awww. *thinks of Hannah’s vessel chilling in one back in season 1* My tiny angel babies have no idea. :P

* * *

YAY CAS LAUGHED.

I happy.

I’m not sure he’d have got the reference? But he definitely got the sentiment and that was enough to amuse him. He was laughing more in general because of Dean than anything. :D

* * *

I like his squinty expressionless look which is actually secretly “I like this human. He picked saving humanity. We both like humanity. Let’s sit and watch humanity all day. Maybe he will make me laugh again.”

(Sad about him actually saying something to Sam about watching humanity when he popped up next to him on that bench in season 8, like maybe because they’d never bonded before he was trying to get even a little of what he’d connected with Dean over here thanks to the park bench connection. But aaargh here he and Dean are bonding on such a deep… uh, profound… level nothing can match it later)

Bury me in apocalypse era Destiel. :P

* * *

Dean gives this big passionate speech inadvertently just endearing himself to Cas all the more and reassuring him he made the right choice in trusting Dean, and then when Dean’s  _finally_  done ranting Cas is like lol no I got you the first time.

> DEAN:  
> […] But what I do know is, that this, here? These kids, the swings, the trees, all of it is still here because of my brother and me.
> 
> CASTIEL:  
> You misunderstand me, Dean, I’m not like you think. I was praying that you would choose to save the town.

Dean doesn’t believe that right away but Cas is going to soften him up. :3

I’m just narrating them becoming close, sorry. :P

*sobs about Cas saying he has doubts* Which I sort of blame Dean for after challenging his world view already very very subtly. Now Cas is expressing it again after finding that he and Dean were rooting for the same outcome despite it not apparently being the sanctioned, easy outcome Heaven would have picked… It’s so easy to see how Dean is to blame for making Cas think a little more outside the box. *sigh*

And we have our first proper “there was an emotional conversation and then I figured all the useful points had been said and so I’m off now” moment. :P Aw Cas. Stick around 10 more minutes, get a coffee together. Listen to him talk about sport or something. I don’t know. Trust me, it’ll make things much easier in the long run.

Cas vs small talk. >.>

* * *

*flaps away*


	8. 4x08

This episode is actually really really disturbing :/

But you know, funny teddy bear.

… well, really disturbing teddy bear. :P

* * *

Wow the cold open is skeevy. Especially once you know it’s not a ghost. >.> Generally forgive ghosts for this because they’re just out to murder people, but yeah. This guy was there to peep. Ew.

I suppose all the wishes are just reflecting really gross traits of human nature - stuff people really  _shouldn’t_  get. Dean doesn’t get killed by his innocent wish because it was inherently not a bad reflection on him except for maybe being a little greedy for a nice sandwich which isn’t a crime. :P No magic involved, everyone else would get in some form of serious trouble proportionate to what they did if they did it without magic (even the kid beating up bullies would get in trouble for fighting them back and hurting them.)

* * *

“Well, one of us is going to have to change.”

*table and Sam exchange awkward looks*

* * *

They are drinking a ton of alcohol for a regular diner. Dean’s taking 3 shots and Sam has a big pint glass. Can’t tell if it’s evening or not.

* * *

When confronted with the fact an angel has told Sam that Dean remembers Hell, after an angel reliably told Dean that Sam was doing dark scary exorcisms, and knowing full well that he does in fact remember Hell, Dean is like lol nah I don’t remember Hell, Uriel is a dick. He’s just saying stuff because he is a dick. Yep this can totally be chalked up to angels being dicks and nothing to do with me remembering Hell. 

Yep.

 _Healthy_.

* * *

I’ve wondered about Dean pulling all these faces through the conversation, based on the background people. When I watched it with my friend last summer she drew attention to it by asking me why Dean made such a thing of pulling “wow this guy” faces at the over-cheerful waiter twice, to the point where she was thinking that he had to be plot important later in the episode and basically just demanding to know what the deal was because she didn’t understand how this could be important but it clearly was once they drove to the new town, assuming I’d be like, deadpan “wait and see” as I try to be with ACTUAL plot stuff, and I was like, “Huuuuuh!?” 

Dean also pulls a weird face at a the passing of an extra pretty much entirely there to be faceless bouncing boobs in the background, and they’re pretty similar faces. For some reason he just spends this conversation gurning about all of them. 

Waiter

Waiter

Boobs

Then he chokes on his drink about the ladies’ shower room “haunting” and packs up to go before he’s heard the rest on the understanding that there will apparently be more tits to come. He throws down a big tip for the awkward waiter.

Honestly someone please tell me what’s going on here, I’ve been working it over for a year and I’m stumped. :P

* * *

I suppose he drops Sam off to talk to her and then goes to look at the showers?

* * *

The restaurant has a return of the green and red theme which has been popping up since season 3 and I’ve honestly been too lazy to ascribe a theme to but it’s around a lot. 

* * *

> SAM  
> Oh, well, um… Well, the working title is… "Supernatural.” Yeah, I’ve been crossing the country, gathering stories like yours.

Nod to the old envisioned plan for the show, nod to the upcoming WTF-ery of the reveal that the Supernatural books exist. Hilarious. :P

I wonder if that idea had been pitched yet?

* * *

Random appreciative screenshot. I dunno, I just have a thing for Sam in cafés maybe? :P

* * *

I like their nah there’s nothing here *walks right into a bigfoot conversation*

Amused by the sheriff saying it’s just a bear. Always right before they’re, well, actually right.

Just not in the way they’d have expected. :P

* * *

I’m just feeling bad for how grubby the bear would be after this. :(

* * *

Dean accuses the bear of being a “girl-drink drunk” and then steals a bottle. To add to the list of things I’m perpetually baffled by, his distracted musings on the bear turning out to be a huge hairy  “deep-woods Duchovny.” He muses thoughtfully for half a second, feels Sam’s gaze on him, and schools his expression down to something more neutral like he wasn’t just thinking about it.

We return to a more normal level of bafflement with the little girl driving by with a box full of porn mags. That’s slightly more obviously meant to be confusing with an answer contained in the episode. :P

* * *

Edlund is causing a chronic over-use of the wacky guitar soundtrack.

* * *

There’s a whole minute where you worry that “He’s my teddy bear” is going to lead you to a “bear” which is like an actual monster like big foot which the girl has confusedly adopted and thinks is a teddy.

Nope.

* * *

> SAM  
> Yeah. Besides, I get the feeling that the bear isn’t really the, you know, core problem here. 

This whole thing is hilarious especially Dean’s non-stop bugged out look (referring you back to his face I screencapped in the pre-case diner) but Sam’s summary of the situation somehow gets me the most. :P 

* * *

Anyway the parents abandoning their daughter to disappear to Bali is kind of a background thing where you just see a glimpse of them looking sunburned and ragged at the end, but it creates a pretty distressing narrative: they leave and she wishes herself a real bear - i.e. a friend who will be big and strong and look after her when her parents are gone - and instead she gets a suicidal alcoholic mess, who shares like 100% superficial characteristics with a dimension of Dean, and she’s pretty self-contained and looks after herself, but they see it’s not good for her and she’s not going to be looked after by anything else while her parents have abandoned her (important that the parents wished themselves away without her which is really outright neglect abuse) and they tell her to go stay with a responsible adult she knows.

I dunno I’m kind of more than usually feverish I’m just outlining this :P

* * *

Still, after multiple re-watches, don’t like the first impression implication that the really happy couple  _has_  to be a fraud because they don’t look like an instantly recognisable match as per society’s vague rules of what types of attractiveness are allowed to be paired up.

I mean she’s more than normally giggly and enthusiastic around the coin guy but it still seems really rude. >.>

Not to mention her side of it being magically coerced into a relationship. Ugh.

* * *

Bam, have some alarming Sam characterisation:

> DEAN  
> Come on, if you could wish yourself back, you know, before it all started… Think about it. You’d be some big yuppie lawyer with a nice car and a white picket fence.   
>   
> SAM  
> Not what I’d wish for.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Seriously?  
>   
> SAM  
> It’s too late to go back to our old lives, Dean. I’m not that guy anymore.   
>   
> DEAN  
> All right, well, what, then? Hmm? What would Sammy wish for?  
>   
> SAM  
> Lilith’s head on a plate. Bloody. 

Dean’s comments fall in line with his original wish episode in 2x20 - back when he thought it was a wish, and he’d literally zapped himself and actual Sam into an alternate universe rather than just viewing it all as a dream. Sam pretty much went right on the revenge mission in season 1, and I’m afraid 90% of my brain power today is “oh god my skin is crawling I’m so cold is this death?” so I can’t remember Sam’s trajectory of hunting vs normal life except for that notable “be a person again” in Shadow, and then like lots of trapped in the plot/revenge/whatever for the next few seasons. At this point it’s pretty dropped behind him anyway and the demon blood may also be affecting his view a little to make him darker, angrier and self-assured in a different way: he said he could feel its effect in him but not in so many words back in Metamorphosis and last episode he was pretty ready to confidently take on Samhain. 

This also has Dean’s perceptions of Sam based on his old desires (expressed in Shadow along with his long term habit of running away/wanting to be normal) that Dean assumes is what Sam still wants. It’s probably what Dean would wish FOR Sam but Sam at the moment is just in too deep to conceptualise going back when the real world has too many huge immediate problems and he is already deeply primed on a revenge arc he can’t drop for love nor money.

* * *

Love this caricature of the Chinese restaurant owner. >.> 

* * *

They’ve used the health department badges for everything in this episode, even when they were pretending to be Teddy Bear Doctors. I wonder if there’s something symbolic about that? The town is sort of sick and all the grossness is floating to the top?

* * *

Sam’s eye is definitely twitching after he’s done chastising the invisible boy.

* * *

The little kid (uh… Todd, right?) is wearing plaid and a brown hoodie - along with his floppy hair he’s like another tiny Sam. 

Who… wishes to be stronger to get his revenge.

We never see how that one turns sour on him.

Except maybe that he would have actually killed someone eventually in his over-powered rage.

* * *

(Also more subtext where Dean’s story of the episode is food: like how his little personal arc in the Halloween episode was just that he ate a lot of candy and got his car egged for not sharing, now he orders himself a sammich and pukes for his troubles.)

(Again, just offering a thought. >.>)

* * *

Woo chaos gods. 

I like their new hunting lodge style motel room.

Is that the moose lamp?

*squints but doesn’t see a good angle on it*

* * *

Is Dean drinking beer to settle his stomach? This seems like a terrible idea.

* * *

I have a giant bear who is kind of like T Bear. I feel so bad for him. :(

* * *

Oh look Dean’s drinking that liquor he nicked earlier. He’s getting the same treatment from Sam about his nightmares about Hell as Dean was giving Sam in the start of season 1 with HIS psychic nightmares about Jess.

* * *

Wow, what decade is coin guy’s house in? He’s watching an old TV playing old programming… He looks like a relic from 50 years ago or something.

* * *

Poor Hope. :( She says she  _had_  to make him that ridiculously OTT “snack” - she stops and emphasises how she’s being forced to do it. :/ She might seem wholehearted about it but ugh he’s getting flashing neon lights that he’s coercing her in her everyday language.

* * *

Ugh and he’s regretting that he’s overtaken her personhood because she’s so creepily in love but he won’t just reset it because of that - he wants to try and work out a balance where she loves him and he keeps her but she’s her normal self: he doesn’t get that overriding her life to make her be in love with him at ALL is already coercive, and her behaviour freaking him out NOW is just a snowball effect of what he already DID to her.

Dude. You’re a grade A creep.

* * *

I like how Sam n Dean feel like they’re justified to give Wes the talk on what a functional relationship is. 

I suppose in comparison…

* * *

I can’t believe Dean tried the Spiderman line on Todd.

* * *

Hehe, when Sam dies he gets flung out of his shoes. Both of them, this time.

* * *

Yay Hope is free. Good, forget that guy and go live your life. >.>

* * *

I like Dean’s fix-it for Todd’s situation. :D Also has Dean running scared from a child like 2 episodes after we had him fleeing from the tiny dog, so that seems to be a weird theme of the season.

* * *

Dean saying he won’t lie to Sam (and admitting he had been) but he just can’t talk about Hell is a good step forward between them anyway in terms of maybe actually being healthy. He was clearly worried that opening up to Sam that he remembered it and was traumatised would mean Sam immediately asking what he asked - for Dean to tell him all about it - and just not revealing there was anything to share in the first place must have felt safer for not getting asked. Especially with the fact he could then maybe pretend during the day there was nothing to remember since it’s not colouring the conversations he has with Sam. Until of course Sam began asking and ruined that tiny safe space Dean made. Urgh, Uriel really is a dick. :P

So now Dean has to live with wondering if he will have to go on to tell Sam everything… Perhaps making him more ready to eventually share when he does? I don’t know. :P It takes him forever to get there.


	9. 4x09

Hi Anna! Looks like dramatic mid-season episode time. :D

* * *

Anna is so sweet and soft-spoken as she explains the apocalypse. I’m glad they use her as a voice-over to explain everything through a lot of the later episodes.

Although aaargh this is where you first hear that things  _really_  aren’t going the way of the angels.

I love the dramatic music when the demon comes in. Looove Anna accidentally angel-powers-ing her way out of it.

She and early season 9 Cas were in the exact same state btw and it will upset me forevers that we never got Cas doing anything like this. Not least because of that one time he was super helpless and actually got killed when the ability to fling furniture about with subconsciously tapped remains of angelhood would have  _really_  come in handy. They could both hear angel radio so don’t tell me he couldn’t have done this if he was pressed. *shakes fist* Bucklemmiiiing.

* * *

When Sam ditches out of hustling pool, he tells the dude he was playing to keep the money when he dashes off to see Ruby. Just last episode he said to Dean he’d skip the picket fence and stuff for Lilith’s head on a plate if they were making real wishes… I joked about it there but he’s literally turning down earning money to support themselves in exchange for their mission. He could have at LEAST cleared up that game in probably the few expert moves it would have taken at that point, and then gone to see her. But nope, he drops everything, even the “normal” “9 to 5″ of their lives… If you say hustling pool is their white picket fence. :P

I dunno where I’m going with this I am still feverish and off.

* * *

2 yellow lights together - the ongoing Yellow Eyes stuff beside Ruby. Don’t truuust her Saaam :P

“Battle of the bands” sounds like there should have been at least one use of that phrase to describe the apocalypse even though as far as I recall there wasn’t. :P

* * *

Uh?

* * *

> SAM  
> I told you, Dean, she helped me go after Lilith.
> 
> DEAN  
> Well, thanks for the thumbnail – real vivid. You want to fill in a little detail?
> 
> SAM  
> Sure, Dean, let’s trade stories. You first. How was Hell? Don’t spare the details.  

Urgh, this is exactly what I was sort of saying at the end of last re-watch - now Sam knows about Dean’s Hell memories he’s free to start asking him and prodding him about them. He MEANS it as a way to shut Dean up about the subject, but now Dean is in this bad headspace where because he’s had this dragged out, he’s not in control of how he is allowed to cope, and Sam, knowing this is Dean’s big dramatic (and traumatic) secret of the year, can poke at it whenever he likes. Hence my thought that Dean kept it bottled up for his own protection, not because he didn’t  _want_  to tell Sam (he probably does feel the need to unload but Sam is his only sympathetic ear right now). Because the issue got rushed, instead of opening up gently it’s now contentious and that makes Sam reach this way to Dean keeping secrets from him, which just makes a huge painful mess. 

(And Sam is also in a bad way and keeping secrets, but because he’s on an aggressive forwards trajectory: he’s protecting his future actions and revenge mission as much as he is guarding his own mental space.)

* * *

Thinking of, here’s the trauma :P Drunk sad Sam while Dean was in Hell :(

Heh, Sam’s demon. Not exactly siren levels of set in stone re: floats the boat, but he does have a habit of having dude crossroads demons come to him. I sometimes wonder about it through the ace!Sam headcanon that he really does not care any way whatsoever. 

I like that he meets Sam at an abandoned gas station. Obviously those are preeeetty symbolic of the brothers’ life on the road, so seeing a grown over one suggests a sort of end of the journey thing… Very symbolic of Dean’s death, and the futility/finality in this conversation. AND makes Dean’s visit to the gas station in 4x01 as he slowly starts coming back to himself (and encounters Cas for the first time!) (and the very wall of the gas station tells him Cas is friend, and nutures him with food and water and necessities and gives him a car to start his journey again!) that much more meaningful.

* * *

(While we’re on the subject of Cas and gas stations… *sobs* :P)

* * *

(I run a 9x06 blog where did you EXPECT that train of thought to go?)

* * *

Anyway I guess Sam is upset about Dean being dead or something.

He’s preeeetty scary and it’s scary that he IS so scary. Not that he was particularly cute in a lil baby Sammy way in season 3 any more anyway but yeah this is where we start to see season 4′s dark!Sam showing up and he’s been bottling it up and just being kinda dark!Sam for the most part, but then this episode we see this back story to show he’s been dark!Sam the whole time, and then we see much more of it because he’s not bottling it up in the same way any more.

* * *

Also points to Jared for acting Sam acting drunk and acting Sam actually drunk and making both look different.

* * *

The crossroads demon has just a delightfully evil smile even when he’s being stabbed. I like him. :D He’s enjoying himself.

* * *

*looong awkward silence driving*

* * *

Ooh Anna was a journalism major. Fan fic writers take note of the life she’d have led without the supernatural. :D

* * *

Boo everyone’s family always being dead. :(

* * *

I love how Anna always seems to have extra sparkles in her eyes.

She kinda rolls up the first Dean!girl in canon, based off what the angels say… Based off the Winchester Gospel we get a whole lot of Sam!girls (for reasons I have kind of exhaustively documented somehow because what is my life :P) so I’m counting Anna as a win for the fangirl, since there’s a theme of stories told, and she herself coming in narrating their story to them.

(Also: journalism major)

* * *

(Dean has like 1 sparkle in his eyes. I am convinced they put extra sparkles in her eyes deliberately to make them look like that.)

ACTUALLY. Dean just turned around and is facing the same way Anna just was. 

Bam, one sparkly.

* * *

Can people just genetically have more than one eye sparkly? Is Julie just blessed?

I find it suspicious Jensen Ackles would not have more than one sparkle in his eye if it was genetic. Man’s also blessed, face-wise.

* * *

Meanwhile: statue is crying blood in horror at what this rewatch has become.

* * *

Having spent a lot of time reading Fortean Times when I was younger where it often came up as a thing but usually as a miracle, this makes me nervous. :P Like, I don’t know what to believe about if it actually happened or whatever, but reportedly it happens a lot. And when terrible demons are around. 

I like the symbolism of it as a response to horror.

* * *

Hey Alastair. *shudders* This actor does the same kind of voice as the other actor from 4x15/16… Not sure if I remember that other meatsuit who showed up somewhere in between talking like this. But good continuity for these guys. Good on them. :D

Ooh yeah Alastair is another demon that the knife doesn’t kill, like Abaddon. Did they ever actually stab any of the other white-eyed demons? *she says, trying to remember if there WAS another aside from Lilith*

Anyways yeah Abaddon was second generation demon (Lucifer > Cain > Abaddon) but Cain had the Mark which apparently makes you much more unkillable so the knife clean didn’t work on him without even a little scorching. Hm. (Still pretty sure it wouldn’t have worked on demon!Dean and him letting Sam think it would in 10x03 was basically just a joke on his part.) Anyway Alastair has to be either 1 or 2 steps removed from ~the daaaarknessss~ and no further, if various headcanons about demons’ power levels and eyes denoting rank and age etc mean much. 

* * *

Now that I think about it we haven’t really seen Sam in that hoodie since season 3? Have we? He’s sort of grown out of it at last, maturity wise, by having his proper dark arc at last. This is its last inglorious appearance to make him look slightly younger and definitely a load more in despair. :P

* * *

Sam staggers down a corridor in a hotel, which, I’ve just started associating those with Dream a Little Dream and confronting your dark self/Hell/whatever thanks to Bela repeating it in her last episode… seems to be a metaphor or some sort since Sam detours into a side room rather than follow it all the way through, and there Ruby in a badass leather coat and some random other demon confront him.

> RUBY  
> It’s nice to be back. Where I was, even for Hell, it was nasty. I guess I really pissed Lilith off. Imagine my relief when she gave me one last chance to take it topside. And all I had to do was find you and kill you.

I’m guessing every part of that is true right up to “and kill you”.

* * *

I can’t believe Ruby is letting Sam drive after how drunk he was recently? He probably drove to the hotel as well. >.>

pls stop, Sam, i’m worried about you.

* * *

*continues worrying about Sam*

Ruby points out he didn’t used to care what her meatsuit was (she was already dead because Ruby didn’t care either) but I have a feeling convincing Sam he could do quick n easy exorcisms to save people might have occurred to Ruby that she should sell it that way after this conversation instead of suggesting it just as a weapon or a step towards killing - not yet anyway :P

Not sure where his concern for the meatsuit came from - perhaps hindsight on nearly stabbing Lilith’s lil girl vessel, or from having to bury Ruby 1.0 because Ruby had got her killed. Or right then he was just being bitchy to Ruby because he felt in a contrary, pissed off mood to her, especially since she said she couldn’t save Dean and didn’t know anything powerful enough to do it.

* * *

Sam collecting pizza boxes and cleaning guns, but in a really scruffy horrible place and him as a scruffy terrible disaster. Shades of Mystery Spot, but so much more messy.

* * *

(Aurgh I am too feverish to continue. Notes pick up hopefully more coherent tomorrow :P)

* * *

I already talked in 3x16 about how Ruby telling Sam he should use his powers before Dean shot that down and Sam agreed basically propelled Sam into agreeing in this moment, but I think it’s worth mentioning again, especially in the context that Ruby says she can’t bring Dean back but CAN get Sam some revenge for it. It’s only a little deeper in the conversation after he’s already agreed that Ruby brings up that there’s something apocalyptic big going on.

I can’t remember where I talked about this before, but Sam’s mental state for the entire season is basically being on a revenge quest for Dean’s death and this is literally the only time we see him when Dean’s  _actually_  dead. Sure, it gets important to kill Lilith to supposedly stop the apocalypse because they know basically all season she’s doing it, but this episode makes  _really sure_  you know Sam is after Lilith for revenge. 4x01 posed the idea of Sam on a revenge quest like John as the “lighter” cover for this darker arc, but I think it’s important to remember Sam’s on this personal revenge quest past the point of reason because Ruby spends this time twisting it into him and this is what he’s being fed along with the blood. Liiike this is why it stays that way even when Dean comes back.

I dunno :P

* * *

Not sure what the motel is called and it’s obviously not the same one, but it has a certain obvious motif connected to Sam and the demon blood arc… And also Ava, and the fact she went dark and embraced her powers after that meeting:

* * *

Wow, Ruby really pushes herself on Sam. I know he sort of gives up and just goes for it after that, but she still had to talk her way past actual boundaries he set up. Filed under things that get less attention because a lady did it to a dude? And probably because it was just moral boundaries in the whole good evil thing more than anything.

* * *

That set up with Lilith being in town was so blatantly a trap :P

I already discussed how Lilith’s ORIGINAL time doing this was a trap anyway (whether she was or wasn’t working for Ruby - I lean towards not yet), but I don’t think Lilith was ever actually there in this instance? And if Ruby’s helping him at this point it would be so easy for her to help him along to finding the trap and then oppose him going to make him determined to go. (I’ve commented before on how her contrary viewpoints are doing a great deal of work.)

I mean if we assume she’s working for Lilith the whole time in season 4/post 3x16 then this is like step 1 or 2 or the long plan. Just keep playing off the idea Lilith wants Sam dead, and that Ruby is a lonely soldier…

(I am also thinking, since Sam said he had demon omens to lead him there, about in Long Distance Call how Dean was sent to fight the fake “demon” - I forgot to put it together at the time even when talking about how 3x16 was a trap, but of course this is an even more perfect parallel to that episode if this is fake.)

* * *

Which means Ruby set up a little girl to be traumatised :(

* * *

Because of course those demons are just randomly keeping her there even though Lilith isn’t in her?

The demons don’t even have to know Ruby is on their side for the sake of authentic combat. They probably totally bought into it. It’s Lilith not being there which is the important thing. :P

* * *

Dean isn’t very good at apologising to Ruby. :P

* * *

Aww poor Anna. :( *hugs her* She’s so freaked out and scared and sad. :( It gets worse from here. :( *attempts to send cookies to a fictional character because she never gets any time outside of this little moment to mourn her parents*

Who still matter to her even when she finds out she was an angel! Baaah. She makes her decision to be an angel again as a scared human person who’s meaningful life was her human life even if she remembers a bigger history, because this is all where her emotional history is from.

*attempts to massively inflate Anna’s story from what it is* :P

* * *

Anyway this part is where Cas is definitely the most bad-guy-ish of the season, and also coincidentally the little run of episodes where he’s working under Uriel instead of the other way around… But he does get to do the cool dramatic entrance. :D And then looks at them all stunned and maybe slightly disappointed like a parent coming in to catch the kids mid house party with dodgy friends… He definitely doesn’t look as confident or scary as Uriel for the most part, and we know Misha can do scary eyes when he wants to be angry and intense. :P

*cliffhanger*


	10. 4x10

Or: basically just angel family soap opera stuff.

Blaaaargh.

He just stands like that in the corner looking really small for a chunk of the exchange especially when Uriel is being a jerk. *reaches out for Cas through my screen* 

> DEAN  
> You’re some heartless sons of bitches, you know that?
> 
> CASTIEL  
> As a matter of fact, we are. And?

But you aren’t really, and that’s your tragedy. :(

* * *

About the only thing Cas actually weighs in on aside from responses to the ongoing conversation is to say Anna is far from innocent. Uriel gets all the lines about killing her and comparing her to Ruby. It’s when he makes that comparison that Cas looks away. 

* * *

I still have a vague headcanon about writerly intent off this episode and pretty much only this episode (oh! I just checked, and this is a Kripke episode) that they may have wanted to make Anna x Cas a past thing briefly, because he looks away here when Uriel makes the reference expressly to compare Anna to the fact Sam is banging Ruby, and again Cas looks away at the end of the episode when Anna kisses Dean in front of them. They obviously never went anywhere with this and later of course confirmed Cas was a virgin and free of any overt past entanglements making this much more the surface level relationship of her being their commander of the garrison, but bits of this episode to me set up a weird love triangle with Dean n Cas at either end, and Anna lining her fingers up to the handprint when she’s sleeping with Dean right in the middle.

Filed under: ditched plot threads which make Dean n Cas have a weird erotic connection over this episode that future canon just makes extremely confusing.

Obviously this isn’t even really a “what if” and it has no bearing on the story we ended up getting since this was buried deep, but coupled with how Anna is pretty touch-y feel-y with Cas’s hands in 4x16 I do wonder if there was an unrealised idea in there that they dropped some crumbs for on the off-chance they’d explore it if they kept both Cas and Anna around.

So this is the only time I’ll mention that, and instead I guess do my favourite thing of poking at how muddied writer intent vs later canon makes things Destiel-y instead. :P

* * *

SO ANYWAY there’s this bit where Uriel compares Anna the fallen angel to Ruby the demon expressly linking them with how she fell to be human and experience humanity as worse than a demon - demons after all are just gross stains in his mind that probably are to be pitied before being obliterated because they can’t even help being so disgusting, what with being a  _worse_  version of a mud monkey. :P Meanwhile Anna was a celestial being that chose to drop and indulge in gross mud monkey things all for her own pleasure, basically defiling herself. (Considering Ruby intentionally got tangled in witchcraft as a human and gave herself to Hell there’s a stronger parallel than he might realise.) 

Cas looking away in the wide context is probably that he feels Uriel’s judgement of humanity (and implied emphasis on sexuality thanks to the Ruby comment) is way too harsh. It’s defensive sadness for Anna being talked about that way, or perhaps reflecting in a less judgemental way but a similar line to Uriel on how it’s sad that someone they once looked up to and followed in battle has fallen this way. I dunno. Whatever it is, he’s not allowed to speak up today, and Uriel is blatantly leading this (see above: Cas looking small in the corner, which, no idea how many log cabins they have on call, but gives me weird feelings of the very end of season 7 as well where Cas looked so small). 

When Uriel starts the fight he goes for Ruby, and then he trades punches with Dean while making it personal (like telling Sam Dean remembered Hell wasn’t enough of a sly poke at Dean already) about how he’s been waiting for an excuse to punch him (OW his arm was dislocated last episode… Dean weighs their options and his begrudging olive branch from last episode and goes to Ruby’s defence), but Cas just marches up, puts Sam to sleep with a lil forehead boop, and goes to retrieve Anna, doing the mission they’re assigned to do in a clean, uncomplicated way.

*whoosh no angels*

* * *

I love Anna and Dean framed by the angel banishing thing in the mirror. Both equally baffled by it, kinda scared… For Anna it’s the past life she’s lost contact with… For Dean, it’s going to kind of end up a defining moment at the end of the season so he’s unknowingly staring down a hugely important symbol of his future for when he definitively gains a Cas. :3

(Kind of a weird couples Christmas card look for the two of them in the moment, though? :P)

* * *

Aww look Ruby and Anna. I think Ruby genuinely wants to look out for Anna. She never seems to be quite so mercenary about her as say Meg or something, to give a random other example of someone delighted to find a vulnerable angel, while we’re on the season 7 parallels. She knows keeping Anna close is probably going to be useful because she’s clearly got something odd about her and the angels want her… but she really doesn’t play into any active plan - Ruby can’t even steal her for Lilith because that would be betraying Sam and she needs to stay on his good side - and Ruby does like reminding us she has a little memory of humanity left that gives her occasional empathy. I like to think she was concerned for her… Curious, maybe, but genuine enough that Anna felt comfortable with her and they actually spent time alone together.

I mean she still betrayed them in the long run and helped the apocalypse kick off but on the other hand right now she’s pretty harmless so Anna can’t be blamed for misjudging her character. :P Even Dean’s acting on a temporary olive branch to Ruby, probably a lot because not only has Sam finally offered a vaguely reasoned defence of her at last, but because when they showed up to apologise to Ruby, Anna seems pretty chill with her, giving Ruby an alternative character reference not from Sam, who Dean has a hard time allowing to pick his friends. :P

* * *

Aw Anna chilling in the panic room :D Let’s just keep her here, nice and safe and away from the main plot. 

I think Ruby looked a little too subtly pleased to have Dean saying thanks for the hexbags. Like “Oh good I finally have this one on my side.”

Got Ruby stuck outside the panic room not even able to get close to the door because of the trap, and Anna stuck inside, scared to leave in case of more angels or demons coming for her… I dunno, reminding us that Ruby is a monster in a subtle way of showing her in the place of a threat, even now they’re working with her?

* * *

Moment to appreciate this is Bobby’s kitchen:

And to wish to play with the old typewriter. :P

* * *

> SAM  
> I got her. She’s fine. Where’s Bobby?
> 
> DEAN  
> Uh, The Dominican. He said we break anything, we buy it.
> 
> SAM  
> He’s working a job?
> 
> DEAN  
> God, I hope so. Otherwise, he’s at hedonism in a banana hammock and a trucker cap.
> 
> SAM  
> Now that’s seared in my brain.

Okay but the excuse when Cas isn’t in an episode in season 11. I have expressed this several times. :P 

I am just amused that they urgently needed Bobby’s place for the episode and couldn’t get Bobby, and this is what they came up with. Not “oh dire Apocalypse stuff” but “he says he’s working but let’s all stop to imagine him on the beach instead.”

* * *

I’m genuinely starting to think that they’re pointing more lights into her eyes or something. She ALWAYS has 3-4 dots in her eyes compared to everyone else having 1-2 normal reflections. (in this case she has 5 dots in one eye, 3 in the other. It’s like how in LotR they strung up fairylights to make Galadriel’s eyes extra sparkly to make sure she looked extra otherworldly compared to everyone else)

* * *

> SAM  
> When she was 2 ½, she’d get hysterical any time her dad got close. She was convinced that he wasn’t her real daddy. […] She just kept repeating that this real father of hers was mad. Very mad – like wanted-to-kill-her mad.

:( Poor Anna. Must have been weird growing up in a religious family with this strange subconscious feeling that God kinda wanted to kill her for what she was. :S Even if she got therapy and apparently buried it, she clearly has a lot of angel stuff just below the surface… I wonder if she was arty before? Maybe the child shrinks encouraged her to draw and she kept it up as a life-long thing. 

Artist!Anna!

It’s just her bad luck that she was here and human and adult the time of the apocalypse? Or do you think there’s some accidental-deliberate design in having her here and now? She serves to soften Cas up a little on his arc (and generally emotionally benefit the male characters)… I dunno. There must be fallen angels at other times, it’s just that she’s unfortunately here at the worst possible time since she’s keyed into angel radio and hearing the apocalypse as it unfurls, and so her nature makes her part of it whether she wanted it to be her life or not, hence being sought out - like she said the angel radio activates when Dean is lifted from Hell so in another time she could have flown way under the radar for life. Perhaps it’s a little example of the inevitability of it all: she made the ultimate free will choice for an angel, but in the end had to choose being an angel again, and then from there was dragged back in, and reprogrammed, and dropped back off the production line to be a good little solider again. I know we don’t like her treatment by the show but fitting with season 5′s themes it does make a little sense as a dark example - or even warning to Cas for something which took until season 8 to catch up to him.

Blah. >_< I can appreciate the narrative complexity while still being annoyed she existed just to serve the story of some dudes. (And I’m glad Naomi was what she was and so we have this powerful female character retrospectively looming over the whole season.)

* * *

Anyway I’m glad she came to listen to them talking about her and interrupted them and demanded to get a voice in this discussion so they’re not just talking about her in a void without her input.

* * *

And then they bring in Pamela! So many women! Outnumbering the dudes because Bobby is on holiday! I like this. :3

* * *

Also none of them die THIS episode.

And unlike season 3, 2 of them are good and Ruby is in a useful/helpful place where no one’s swearing at her. It’s so refreshing. :P

* * *

> PAMELA  
> Dean told me what’s been going on. I’m excited to help.
> 
> ANNA  
> Oh. That’s nice of you.
> 
> PAMELA  
> Oh, well, not really. Any chance I can dick over an angel, I’m taking it.

Hehe. That reminder that Cas is the bad guy this episode. He did sound contrite about this but he doesn’t apologise to her and even though her episodes all feature Cas, they never meet. :(

* * *

There’s a weird parallel of Sam perching on a thing looking out the door with one foot up between him and Ruby, then pan across to Dean perching with one foot up on a chair, looking over his knee towards Anna. Sort of, non-committal perching? Sam not wanting to be all couple-y with Ruby in front of Dean and also probably because they don’t do couple-y things, and Dean being all “I am so concerned for Anna and also she is sweet I had better stay way over here and just look chill” I dunno. :P

* * *

I do feel sad they dragged everything out of the panic room over the season as they had to use it for more and more dramatic reasons so it lost some of its quirky Bobby personality.

He probably used to come down here just to drink and chillax before the boys kept coming along invading it for plot reasons.

* * *

I think Anna busting all the lights was probably the biggest clue seconds before she says what she is.

* * *

*continues gratuitously screencapping her*

* * *

She talks a lot more like an angel but she still has nervous human mannerisms as she walks around.

* * *

> ANNA  
> It kind of hurts. Try cutting your kidney out with a butter knife. That kind of hurt. I ripped out my grace. 

:<

* * *

I like the way the light changes after Sam has his idea and when he actually finds what he was looking for. He was clearly there for hours and we just cut to his “aha!”

* * *

> RUBY  
> Not this time. You do not want to get between these two armies. It’s Godzilla and Mothra. If one side doesn’t get us, the other one will. 

Hahaha, I can’t believe this counts as simpler times but there you go. I’m thinking it.

* * *

> SAM  
> Alastair?
> 
> RUBY  
> You met him in the church. Practically the grand inquisitor downstairs. Picasso with a razor.

Just caaasually dropping in some more clues about how fucked up Dean is going to be/already is after meeting him again and knowing he’s now topside. 

* * *

Then they have their really weird ambiguous conversation, I suppose because Bobby’s house is a non-safe place to be evil and Dean likes wandering into the middle of their conversations so she can’t say demon blood out loud, so it sounds really weird about what she’s implying Sam should do and Sam being like nope. Not doing the ~mysterious thing~

* * *

> DEAN  
> Can I ask you something? What do they want me for? Why did they save me?
> 
> ANNA  
> I’m sorry. The angels aren’t talking about it. And it was after I fell.

MEANWHILE OVER HERE, I’ll take “more plot points we can’t talk about yet” I guess. :P At least this time neither of them genuinely know. There’s a lot of infuriating pointing out we don’t know anything yet with Kripke cramming in a ton of plot stuff for later, and then running off giggling instead of explaining any of it. But making it very obvious it IS plot stuff for later, which isn’t always the most subtle way to do it, especially not when you’ve dropped 2 vital things for 4x16 in one go plus the ongoing questions about why Dean which get repeated in 4x22 with no answer and then finally answered in 5x01 which is a LONG wait for an answer considering he’s been asking since the moment he was pulled out of Hell. :P

* * *

> ANNA  
> I don’t know. There’s loyalty… forgiveness… love. 

*stares really hard at Cas’s little comment on what humanity’s benefits are in 10x01* I’ve not forgotten. >.>

I mean not that he was in a position to hook up with Dean immediately after saying it, but the cut to demon!Dean driving followed right on, and everyone blabbed about how that linked Cas’s mysterious love comment to Dean. Well here’s Anna back in season 4 being asked for a quick list of things which are good about humanity and giving an eerily similar answer with the emphasis on love at the end.

Then Anna goes on to mention sex, which, you know *crinkles nose* doesn’t have to be universal to the human experience, but then I suppose chocolate cake she also mentioned is just extremely widely liked but impossible to be universal… So in context I can allow it. *narrows eyes* *assumes this line is still somehow to blame for the writers deciding Cas needed to check this off this list* And we didn’t even see human!Cas eat a chocolate cake. Like, how is that even just?

* * *

> ANNA  
> I mean it. Every emotion, Dean, even the bad ones… It’s why I fell. It’s why… why I’d give anything not to have to go back. Anything.
> 
> DEAN  
> Feelings are overrated, if you ask me.
> 
> ANNA  
> Beats being an angel.
> 
> DEAN  
> How’s that possible? You guys are powerful and perfect. You don’t doubt yourselves or God or anything.
> 
> ANNA  
> Perfect… Like a marble statue. Cold… no choice… only obedience.

:(

Feelings are overrated he says. *stares down the end of the episode*

ANYWAY for this season I find it fascinating that Cas has already expressed to Dean in 4x07 that he has doubts. (It’s probs what got him this demotion) and then Dean says that to Anna. He probably took Cas’s icy attitude on coming to collect her to be either Cas opening up not all true (just a way to butter him up for sympathy?) or a betrayal or something, but it’s clearly undermined the work Cas did so far. It’s interesting to juxtapose with the narrative already sneakily showing us through Cas that angels are MADE to feel that way. Anna emphasises the obedience and no choice thing, which is the key to Cas’s behaviour over this season from the moment he says he has doubts, and key to basically every angel’s emotional arc in one way or another since they’re being subjected to or are the ones enforcing the will of Heaven. You know, vs the whole free will thing, which Cas is going to be big on soon. :P

* * *

> ANNA  
> I was stationed on earth 2,000 years. Just… watching… silent… invisible… out on the road… sick for home… waiting on orders from an unknowable father I can’t begin to understand. 

I feel like this is the most depressing thing - to think of all the angels doing this… No wonder some like Balthazar went to have some fun when they were no longer being made to do anything. :P

Cas mentions a few other times watching humanity for the long run. In season 7 he labelled some parts of it repetitive, but he generally seems pretty pro-humanity, so it clearly didn’t wear him out in the same way it cracked Anna.

> DEAN  
> Nothing. Sorry. It’s just…I can relate. 

Baaah. Dean vs John’s influence. Baaah the ongoing John and God parallel. Is this the first time it’s been really textual? I think this is the first time an angel’s talked this directly about their Father, so.

What’s interesting is this specifically seems to relate to season 1 Dean/maybe Stanford era Dean so is a pretty narrow window. I was making parallels between Dean then and the angels/Cas in particular with this season but I didn’t expect to find a line linking Anna back to Dean in that season so closely.

(I think Scarecrow and Something Wicked were where I mostly discussed this parallel)

* * *

Dean laughs at Anna and Ruby in the back of the car, mostly in a “lol how is this our life” way, but it’s interesting to have them behind the boys, considering the little bits of shoulder angel/demon visual subtext/references I’ve been collecting. Ruby is behind Dean and Anna behind Sam: a reverse of how they’re linked up.

* * *

For my love of all washed out colours and black, except the red:

* * *

I like how Dean says they should just go live in the panic room. Like I was suggesting. :P

Sitcom season where the 4 of them just chill there and it’s superawkward. (new title.)

* * *

> ANNA  
> I don’t know. Maybe I don’t deserve to be saved.
> 
> DEAN  
> Don’t talk like that.

Wow he casually shrugs off that line :P I suppose it could be he has different standards for people who aren’t him: he can be all self-hating and think he doesn’t deserve to be saved, but it’s ridiculous someone as lovely as Anna would think the same. 

* * *

> ANNA  
> I disobeyed. Lucifer disobeyed. It’s our murder one, and I knew it. Maybe I got to pay.
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah, well, we’ve all done things we got to pay for.

Aargh, their ongoing connection over the terrible bad things they’ve done (and their associated guilt complexes). Anna suddenly has angel morality about it again, and even human, that old programming is back and telling her she deserves to die for indulging her free will.

I’m sure this has no application outside of this scene. :P 

It contextualises Cas’s decisions and also means there’s a pre-existing parallel between Dean and fallen angels when it comes to struggling with their issues, to go along with the now established issues with John/God and all the other parallels Anna’s helped draw for the main Destiel arc. :P

Anna brings up what he did in Hell, coming off the back of that line with Dean saying he will pay for it, and immediately turns it into comforting him and saying it’s not his fault. I know this is probably mostly dropped in as more hanging foreshadowing for the end of the episode, but if we’re using Ruby and Anna as their shoulder angel/demons, having the angel say this to him is an important thing to give him literally any support right now. I know they were treating this as last night on earth, so there might not have been future repercussions to this hook up, but I think she wanted to make sure he knew what she knew about him before they did anything just to not have that over him. He could choose to accept her comfort in any way, and since he can’t talk about it yet, he gets this sort of reassurance from his episode-designated shoulder angel that he’s not so terrible.

Symbolically or something I dunno. I do feel she’s trading on her angel status here to connect with Dean, even though she’s still technically human right now. If nothing else this goes far for some of the Dean vs the divine meta you can find, especially drawing the parallel with Sam x Ruby to Dean x Anna since these 2 episodes work together each focussing on one of the relationships. For the first time here we get an idea that Dean is penitent about something terrible he did, linked by Anna’s words pretty closely to him hooking up with an angel. We see Sam get onto his dark path at the same time as hooking up with a demon, sort of giving in and embracing darkness.

* * *

As [I once mused at length on the AU no demon blood version of this season](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/108911450713/he-seems-helpful-and-dreamy), Sam x Ruby escalates in parallel to Dean x Cas but it was these two episodes that kicked it off (this one is literally called Heaven and Hell after all) with this relationship for Dean, and then Cas comes in and fills the narrative space opened up by Anna. Probably worth talking about more in 4x16, but I forgot to comment on Anna’s part in all this, and it is that she is more overtly responsible in this one scene for linking Dean into this dichotomy or whatever between Sam (they’ve always been narratively polarised but the apocalypse takes it to complete extremes). Cas already HELPED link Dean to this narrative through the early part of the season, but they weren’t connected in the same way that Ruby and Sam can be in the main text. Anna shows up, parallels Ruby to Sam with Dean, and then backs off and Cas’s story continues with the contrasts between the two relationships. The space Anna leaves for him is that erotic connection between Dean x the divine, like with Sam x Ruby metaphorically putting Sam in bed with Hell. It gives Cas’s space in the narrative the parallel to it as he’s continuing an arc with Dean’s relationship with the divine that was interpreted through Anna when it came to this parallel… 

The way all these stories link up so I’m not just talking about 2 separate relationships which both happen to ping off Sam x Ruby?

Give me a million years and I won’t be over the way they both pause and then look down at his shoulder and she reverently places her hand over Cas’s brand.

Like, seriously, Cas is ~present~ here. I honestly don’t even know what this was meant to convey if not linking Anna and Cas’s touch somehow. Even if you take this on Cas’s characterisation for this 2 episode stretch put back into a villain role opposing Anna and think of Cas’s touch as somehow… I dunno, the brand representing the uncaring violence of the angels yanking Dean out for their own purposes and Anna offering a soothing alternate touch of compassion, these touches are both steps along the way to saving/repairing Dean from Hell, and with Anna trading lines about who feels they didn’t deserve to be saved here, it reminds us back to 4x01 when Cas’s words were delivered with confused empathy, reading Dean clearly, and just making another point in this triangle. This is always a triangle no matter which way you turn it.

And like I said, in the wide scheme of the season, Cas is narratively sympathetic, follows Anna’s path, bonds with Dean, and… Yeah, this episode is the first point where Destiel is legitimately now part of the show’s erotic subtext. Fight me. :P

* * *

Anyway Anna n Dean do the Titanic thing on the car window etc.

* * *

Ruby having now actually temporarily earned our trust, wanders off to suspiciously betray it for a moment.

… Oh god, is this the episode where she gets tortured naked? Ugh.

She meets Alastair at the crossroads even though she didn’t use a spell, just burnt her protection. I suppose it’s just symbolic association of demons and crossroads, since she’s sort of cutting a deal with him.

* * *

Meanwhile Dean wanders into the barn and bumps into Uriel for their little chat. Uriel introduces the conversation by saying “lol a monkey in clothes” and Dean turns around so I’m choosing to think he sarcastically went looking for it, even if he’s actually more likely looking around and realising that he’s in a dream. :P

* * *

Dean’s very next encounter with angels serves to underline that Uriel is the lead antagonist, and draws the first clear line to separate him and Cas, and a thicker line BETWEEN Dean n Cas:

> URIEL  
> Castiel? Oh, he, uh… He’s not here. See, he has this weakness. He likes you. 

So, just to go back to the comments I made about the handprint touch and how it could imply Cas wasn’t concerned in comparison to Anna’s compassion, this is immediately whittling away at Cas’s presence in that scene being impersonal, as this is the follow up to that: showing that Cas’s relationship to Dean is (now?) one with a greater level of care, such that Uriel is now more clearly defined to be working in Heaven’s interests, and Cas implied to have a different set of conflicting interests at heart.

* * *

And yeah in the context of THIS scene it’s again an impersonal sort of comment as comments go: merely contrasting how Uriel EMPHATICALLY dislikes Dean to how Cas seems to have an amusing regard for these simple monkeys that would stop him making harsh decisions. But the car scene has officially opened the floor to alternative discussions of what that liking might be. This is the decoder key to the surprisingly erotic subtext this season of their little thematic arc of dreams: things like Cas framed within Dean’s legs in 4x02′s dream, and the pretty surface level “lol gay” moment of “What were you dreaming about” covering the as-yet-unknown subtext of Dean remembering Hell… Before it was circumstantial/implication without context, but now it’s part of an actual narrative framing them that way. 

* * *

Anyway.

> URIEL  
> She committed a serious crime.
> 
> DEAN  
> What? Thinking for herself?

More emphasis on the free will side vs the “kinda like Lucifer did” side: important for Cas next season, tbh. Dean already supports angels falling to free themselves from being Heaven’s little clockwork soldiers just on principle, but it’s nice to hear him defending this decision, especially since a low key arc in season 5 is Cas and Dean grouchy/feeling bad about Cas falling apparently for a hopeless cause, and that blame being put on Dean as a bad thing. Here we have a different side he sees of it, where he is proud of Anna for doing it… Of course, it wasn’t  _for_  him, which is where all the self-esteem problems come in and start ruining it for everyone when Cas does it.

* * *

Uriel is amused that Dean n Anna hooked up, continuing to shame Anna for indulging in human pleasures and speaking incredibly grossly about it (unrelated: the day I watched this episode last summer with my friend, my mum was clearing out cupboards and found and cooked a box of angel food cake mix she’d brought back from America. I could not believe. I’ve never felt more wrong eating cake. :P)

Dean immediately breaks out the junkless thing for the first time, in Anna’s defence, probably taking Anna’s comments on what angels can’t/don’t indulge in a bit literally since he’s clearly watched Dogma a couple of times. :P

I just like Dean defending apparently forbidden or taboo sexuality which he’s indulged in, even if it looked totally straight. Kind of a metaphor there with him arguing again a powerful religious structure that wants to dictate what its members can do with their sexuality. :P

* * *

(I suppose Uriel was a few steps ahead of them and went to grab her grace when this became an active situation and he didn’t have it the WHOLE time.) 

* * *

Anyway, yeah then Uriel gets extremely scary and threatens to chuck Dean back into Hell, Dean does that same gamble that he won’t do it, and Uriel finds a way to threaten/mentally unbalance Dean way worse than just chucking him in Hell: 

> DEAN  
> What the hell? Go ahead and do it.
> 
> DEAN  
> You’re just crazy enough to go, aren’t you?
> 
> DEAN  
> What can I say? I don’t break easy.
> 
> URIEL  
> Oh, yes… you do. You just got to know where to apply the right pressure.

Cut immediately to Alastair torturing Ruby. Subtle. >.>

* * *

Dean’s drinking next time we see him, as per his ongoing coping with alcohol method making a strong appearance this season.

* * *

Bam: Cas vs doors take like 3 or 4 of this season. Still not exploding them.

* * *

Cas stares Dean down for selling out Anna. Whyyy are there so many shots with the focus on his sad big blue eyes? UGH. Season 4. Stop.

Cas looks away just as sadly when Anna accuses the angels of being awful and threatening Dean, then looks back up to watch her kiss Dean goodbye and only looks away when she says about forgiving him. I’m just taking this to be the whole mess of conflicted feelings of being put into an antagonistic role against Dean and seeing Anna can forgive him anyway for selling her out to Cas… Just feeling bad Dean was put in that place? Sorry that he has to kill Anna now? Disappointed that Dean broke and gave her up, like he’d almost been hoping he’d do the same as in 4x07 and find some way to get maximum “everyone lives” out of the situation? Almost expecting Dean to find a way to defy Heaven, which secretly seems to please Cas a lot already and we’re not even close to Monster at the End of the Book yet. :P

Also, you know, the other stuff about the Cas x Dean x Anna triangle of the episode.

*shrugs* 

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> I’m sorry.
> 
> ANNA  
> No. You’re not. Not really. You don’t know the feeling.
> 
> CASTIEL  
> Still, we have a history. It’s just –
> 
> ANNA  
> Orders are orders. I know.

Basically filing for reference for all the times Cas says he’s sorry after this and really really means it, as the foundation stone for this arc of Cas vs redemption he’s physically incapable of starting yet even if this kicks off the theme. At this point I do think he feels at least  _something_  to be aware that this is a situation where one should apologise, but like Anna says he just hasn’t gone far enough to really understand how bad it is what he’s doing is to understand the depth of what he would have to be sorry for: even a season from now he’d be in a much better position to feel sorry. (Of course he dobs her in while forced back into line towards the end of the season, so is given an extra point of data to feel really bad about Anna and baaah he spent most of her last episode unconscious so we can’t have a proper response from him about how her story ended up. :< I’d have liked a conclusion at LEAST to this arc if they weren’t going to tidy up her story kindly in many other ways.)

(Though arguably Cas might now have been in a place to really get his relationship with Heaven and how it dealt with bad angels until after 8x17 so that’s a long long time to go :P)

* * *

This Alastair vs Uriel snark off is weaksauce compared to when the Daleks and Cybermen stood off in Doctor Who, but I do appreciate badass Cas moments. :P

* * *

Awww Cas can’t smite Alastair. :( I wonder if seeing him kinda helpless against Dean’s personal worst nightmare villain kind of helped with the empathy to smack Alastair with the iron bar and save Cas there.

Anyway, Dean standing up for the bae. :3

* * *

And then Anna does the thing. Baah heroic self-sacrifice. She earned her spot. <3

* * *

Cas just watches in awed fascination as she goes all glowy, and everyone else is like Aaaaah. I think this plus him watching Uriel die is what made me watch with such fascination how he reacted to dying angels etc all through canon. I find it a very interesting story (especially throwing in Dean stabbing Zach and watching). Except much sobbing on the theme. :P

* * *

Bye Anna. :(

* * *

Dean snarks Uriel and Cas stops Uriel going for him. :3 Hehe I love them looking out for each other.

* * *

> SAM  
> So, I guess she’s some big-time angel now, huh? She must be happy… Wherever she is.
> 
> DEAN  
> I doubt it.

Huh, of course Dean spent all this episode bonding with Anna and Sam missed it all - here we have a weird little insight into Sam vs faith again, where he still has this idealistic version of what angels are even after having his problems with them. Like Dean when he was talking to Anna, he assumes that it’s somehow just better to be an angel because they’re more powerful and godly. Dean’s got to know how angels work a liiittle bit better over this episode though.

* * *

Good grief, this episode is 16 hours long. We still have the tragic conversation at the end to go, where it turns out “I know what you did last summer” also applies to both Winchesters, since Alastair and Uriel both have dropped heeeavy references to what Dean did, so THIS at least is going to finally get answered upfront within the episode.

* * *

> DEAN  
> I know you heard him.
> 
> SAM  
> Who?
> 
> DEAN  
> Alastair. What he said… about how I had promise.
> 
> SAM  
> I heard him.
> 
> DEAN  
> You’re not curious?
> 
> SAM  
> Dean, I’m damn curious. But you’re not talking about Hell, and I’m not pushing.

Once again Dean feels like he had his choice in talking about it taken away. But THIS time to contrast Sam being a jerk about it at the beginning of this little run of episodes, he has the space and calm to understand that this is a serious issue for Dean, and lets him have the option not to talk about it, and to give him the choice to unload if he wants.

I do feel Sam’s curiosity is not well-considered enough and this is a “I regret wanting to know” situation since he seems pretty intrigued on the gossip as much as concerned for Dean. Like, the kid has an academic interest in Hell just through all his research and connections to it, but he’s almost not considering the magnitude of what being there might mean for Dean? He just literally can’t conceptualise it yet, so he’s got this almost innocent attitude of accidentally overstepping when he asks before in that time when he’s not trying to upset Dean. I dunno. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing. 

Same. :<


	11. 4x11

Hm, the run of MotW in the middle of the season contain a lot of “eh” episodes. I suppose this episode is thematically interesting? Watch me watch it just to say I watched it. :P

* * *

Hm, so this apparently takes place a month later. Dean’s been throwing them into hunting since, and apparently nothing else apocalypse-y has happened. When you go through these 2 seasons it’s amazing how much  _waiting_  is involved in an apocalypse :P The story is always pretty unrushed since they get about half a season in actual plot episodes (season 5 probably has the most plot episodes in one go just because they used the MotW format in apocalypse situations) but I suppose telling us a month has gone by and they’ve just been working jobs is a way to scale us back down to even comprehend how they can be taking random tiny cases in backwoods towns. Apparently Heaven and Hell are just in a really leave well alone mood right now?

I dunno :P They also use it to show Dean’s mental state has gone basically nowhere except for into a new sort of distraction, while Sam is chugging along trying to play at being normal (and presumably if he’s being pushed hard by Dean and no main plot stuff is happening, suffering for the lack of demon blood… We have MotW until 4x15/16 and the latter makes a point of showing us Sam drinking it at last with as far as I remember telling us that he needs the boost. :P) 

I know I start a lot of MotW episodes asking “why are they even doing this” but SO MUCH of this show is one or both brothers either reluctantly dragging themselves through the motions, or flinging themselves into the job for totally the wrong reasons. At this point Dean’s doing just that while Sam is reluctant at least for the pace they’re going (and with the link to Ruby & need for demon blood has a serious motivation to go slow and chill sometimes for excuses to see her). Dean meanwhile is basically just escaping and so this episode has some grim thematic reminders for him of horrible shit and generally he just unsettles himself over this episode, I think? The next couple of episodes have a fair few things exploring how he’s doing after the big revelation about what he did.

* * *

This is basically just a scenery episode. :P

So much car porn in the opening. <3

* * *

I like the camera as they go in kind watching them from over the balcony in a vaguely snooping way, and then all the other high angle shots in the house to give the feeling of being watched before they actually have the real creepy being watched shots.

* * *

I feel like we were denied a “you’re a dumb waiter” comeback somehow.

* * *

Heh, the creepy head in the cupboard. Dean unnerved by it and like, you’ve just been to Hell, how does that disturb you? Unless it looks like something you saw there… Okay, I’ve creeped myself out there. >.> Poor Dean.

* * *

He gets kind of offended by the girl complaining about “hooker sheets” at the motel, since motels are sort of their life… Defending their extreme lower class homeless existence a bit? Or maybe he just tried very hard not to think about it ever and she grossed him out at the reminder of their life being a germy nightmare? 

* * *

Okay but why did the cleaner have photos of the old family in the house from ages ago? Did she habitually steal photos from the families she cleaned for?

* * *

There’s a lot of yellow in this episode - the autumnal trees, the kitchen in the house, the decoration of the cleaner’s home (and she’s wearing more).

Meanwhile the family is all in blue and green all boringly fitting in with the normal aesthetic. :P

* * *

Whyyy would the kid play creepy closet baseball? How does that not freak you out??

* * *

I swear the family is just there to stop Dean solving another one by just burning the place down and moving on. :P

I wonder how much arson he commits between episodes when the boring cases can all be solved this way? I’d like to think he’s done it multiple times.

* * *

Ah the good old “We could tell them the truth.” “Really?” “Not really.” thing… I don’t know, they always end up having to tell the concerned parties anyway, pretty much every episode, so they might as well just work out a routine based on their best success reveals of the supernatural, and just give it a go. :P

* * *

The family is dressed entirely in bland greys.

* * *

Okay now the family is screaming all about ghosts all on their own motivation. (That was a pretty creepy way to make the girl convinced of it).

* * *

Aurgh no. The poor dog. :< Who does that?? The rule is you don’t kill the cute dog!

* * *

Carveeeerr.

* * *

Oh look, Dean resorting to violence/threats of violence to manage a situation. Dean no. 

> SAM  
> Dude, you don’t have a gun.
> 
> DEAN  
> And? I’m not letting that bastard or anyone else die tonight.

Heh, his relationship with the victims. They’re jerks and I hate them but they can’t die because I save people. Even though I hate people. *Dean angrily scribbles in his diary*

* * *

Hey ghost girl. Dean should have just hit her with a poker immediately like they do to dispell ghosts normally, and accidentally knocked her out. Instead we get a weird screamy slashy fight.

Since it wasn’t a ghost they could have just left because the girl couldn’t magically make a forcefield to stop them leaving. Whoops. Everyone would have lived.

Poor dog. :(

* * *

Dean gets to go on adventures with the annoying uncle he’s been butting heads with the whole time. He always gets fun partners on school trips. :P

* * *

When I took a break to bitch about this episode to [iwatchthepie](http://tmblr.co/mNVKHEcvz-Mgb2ySEuYpkNA) she found me this article:

[http://s49.photobucket.com/user/agtspooky/media/Supernatural/SPNSciFi.jpg.html](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fs49.photobucket.com%2Fuser%2Fagtspooky%2Fmedia%2FSupernatural%2FSPNSciFi.jpg.html&t=ZGQ1NmMwNGQ0ZmYzZDU0N2YyMWI4YmNhNDgxNTFmMjZiMzJlODY2OCxqenZPTDRibw%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F125284016688%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x11-hm-the-run-of-motw-in&m=1) ([x](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fagt-spooky.livejournal.com%2F406056.html&t=NmM1NjY5OGM4MDFiNTI2OWJkZTVhODhlNmQ2MWQzOWQwNzEwZjQyOCxqenZPTDRibw%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F125284016688%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x11-hm-the-run-of-motw-in&m=1))

> “You know we want to make an episode like the X-Files’ ‘Home.’ Let’s make an episode that the network will air once and then people will complain so much they’ll never air it again.” 

I feel justified in not enjoying watching this for what has to be the 4th time over the last 5 years just based on how many times I’ve definitely* done the full no-skipping rewatch. >.>

Thanks Kripke.

* * *

*if I did a rewatch between 2011-12 I won’t remember it so I may have seen this more. :P

* * *

When they find the creepy space between the walls all full of decaying meat and old blood the guy is like “ugh” and Dean comments that he smells it every day. Obviously it isn’t rare in his line of work but this is sort of part of the hell descent symbolism of this episode.

Then he climbs into an even darker hole into an even grimmer place.

Poor dog. :(

Dean freaks out to walk into a weasel or something hanging from the ceiling, and I’m remembering in Malleus Maleficarum how he almost walked into the rabbit hanging from the ceiling and had a similar freak out and I compared it to Hell foreshadowing, and he randomly got very emotionally attached to the rabbit. Now we’ve actually seen him strung up on chains and hooks in Hell, and he’s gone on to describe being cut up etc, so… Unexpected validating parallel to my season 3 rambling. :P

* * *

Does the disposable uncle die? I can’t remember. He doesn’t have the feel of someone who survives the episode just because he’s been kind of annoying.

* * *

Dean briefly has a lattice pattern behind him with yellow light - 2 Hell symbolism things I’ve been keeping track of.

* * *

Oh gosh disposable uncle is dead.

* * *

At least the thought that this is supposed to be alienating and depressing is kind of comforting. 

* * *

Dean takes on a depressing burden of guilt for dead uncle Ted as he does.

Someone had a depressing headcanon that all those names in Dean’s phone we see a lot in season 10 were the names of people he’d failed to save that he could basically program into the phone from memory since he carries them all around with him.

Which is the most depressing explanation for how he could have so many names in his phone since he doesn’t have any friends.

Though the mix of genders in there does make it amusing to assume his phone is a hook up list too. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> Well, can’t say I blame her.
> 
> SAM  
> I’m sure her life was hell, Dean. It doesn’t mean she gets a free pass for murder.
> 
> DEAN  
> Like you know what hell’s like.
> 
> SAM  
> I didn’t…

For the ongoing “Sam underestimates how terrible Hell was” chronicles, or at least, doesn’t learn to school his tongue fast enough about the sensitive issues around Dean. 

Also, you know, showing us how many times in one episode Dean get get triggered by memories of Hell.

* * *

Dean takes on the burden to save the kid as well. He seeeriously needs to save people, probably to make up for what he’s done in Hell, and considering how many people (and dogs booooooooooooooooo) die in the line of work this isn’t the most emotionally settling thing for him to do to make himself feel better. >.>

* * *

Aaand all the creepy kids are dead and Sam n Dean leg it out of there.

Oh, they’re checking to see what happened.

Okay, NOW they’re legging it out of there, with a bit of repair work on the car.

Bleh the boring family learned to appreciate each other better blah blah. 

* * *

BM moment! Dean rejects a burger (his symbol of humanity and stuff), and grumpily empathises with the kids and how they were turned into monsters, or at least, feral kids defending territory as he puts it. 

Somehow they find a way to make the last minute of this episode even more grim and depressing than the entire rest of the episode.

> DEAN  
> I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn’t care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can’t change that. I can’t fill this hole. Not ever. 

*depressed Dean!girl noises*

though, “I can’t fill this hole” literally right after he rejects the burger is unfortunate implications that they literally fill the holes in his soul. :P


	12. 4x12

Personally weary with magicians. Episode probably isn’t terrible? Brain refuses to engage with subject matter.

It’s a legit thing in my life. Just chalk it up to childhood and move on. :P

* * *

The main magician guy looks kinda like one of my uncles as well which is totally unrelated. 

* * *

Wow, it takes like 5 minutes to get through the cold open. I like the aesthetic for this episode and all (I’m weary but not  _totally_  done) but yeah, there’s really not much to comment on unless I was going to do a deep character study of the episode’s unique characters. 

I do wonder how that trick was supposed to be done without stabbing the magician to death, but I don’t know if it’s an actual trick or one they set up just to look really obviously stabby because since he gets out with real magic it doesn’t actually matter that it’s genuinely just a table you get tied to to be stabbed.

* * *

Heh, Sam knowing things about magicians, even present day weird show off ones. :P Maybe Sam found out about that guy because of his fake demon possession thing. Just casually checked him out by watching 16 hours of videos on youtube or something. :P

* * *

Actual star of the episode:

* * *

Oh yeah Sam had that Tarot pack back in Faith.

* * *

> CHARLIE  
> Still missing the ace of hearts. 

Is this symbolic of something?

Heart symbolism abounds across this show. *files it away* 

… heh, it showed up in his pocket over his actual heart. 

* * *

There’s a ton of red lights in the room where Dean goes to talk to the other old magicians but I can’t tell if that’s just because theatres tend to use red lighting. :P Like with the cards and stuff… Because everything is all so symbolic already within the bracket of stage magicians, it’s hard for me to guess what’s symbolic to the show’s wider themes and what’s just showing up because it should be in an episode about this stuff. :P

* * *

Dean, don’t go in there :P Okay, the red neon in this case probably counts as a legit warning.

There’s also an exit sign behind Dean in the club which is off. Not sure if that counts as a missed warning or if they’re just more concerned about keeping the red exit signs behind Sam this season and away from Dean. 

* * *

anywaaaay that was awkward.

* * *

Interrupting Ruby! I forgot she was in this episode.

> RUBY  
> The whole world’s about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you’re in Magictown, USA.
> 
> SAM laughs.
> 
> SAM  
> You got something against magic?
> 
> RUBY That would almost be funny if thirty-four seals hadn’t been broken already.

Oh my god, please take a minute to appreciate Sam defending stage magicians to Ruby. Sam, boy with the demon blood, currently on a dark revenge mission fuelled by demonic blood magic, defending stagecraft wizardry to Ruby, centuries old demon who went to hell for learning dark witchcraft.

This is worse than his revenge playlist on his ipod.

* * *

Anyway Ruby has actual priorities relating to the apocalypse, and understands how annoying the MotW format is, and complains about the show’s format. Sam is like, I’m sorry this is how the show is formatted and me and Dean have to do at least 10 MotW format episodes a season while pretending bigger problems aren’t looming enough to stop us chilling with the commonfolk. We’ve got like 3 more to go before we’re even allowed back on the main plot, so showing up and trying to bully me out of the door just isn’t going to work.

* * *

Also they mysteriously talk about the *whispers* demon blood without mentioning what it is again. Sam looks super scary while trying to be conscientious about this. I suppose after a few repeated warnings he has actually quit for this middle section of the season? This is basically a repeat of his argument with Ruby from 4x10 on this except randomly in the middle of the latest batch of MotW so it’s not about anything in particular, which Sam even acknowledges they don’t know anything about it.

Makes you wonder, since there are so many seals, the angels are keeping them awfully clear of them as well, considering how many have been broken off screen and we’ve only seen the effects of 2 so far. It’s almost like Dean’s involvement in the angel arc is nothing to do with him being useful to them for actually stopping the apocalypse. :P

* * *

Sam goes back to grumpily loitering by a whole lot of red lights. Dean wanders in carefully checking out some random girl who walks past to reassure himself he’s still heterosexual after his run in with the Chief.

* * *

Vague thoughts about the magicians seeing through Dean’s posturing with the badge, since there’s a little ongoing subtext with this being attached to him, and though the response from them suggests the Chief prank is something they know pretty well and perhaps is their default way to make people butt off in that city, there’s still the slightly more outside perspective that this was the response from them the writer decided to apply to Dean. So Dean postures with the badge, using it to construct a persona/identity different from himself, where he explores aspects of his personality for good or bad or just not being Dean, and a response to seeing through that is to redirect him to the club. (Which then as an extremely over-discussed moment in this fandom, blah blah, unreliable reaction, reminds him of Hell with the Chief coming up from the underground place full of noise and yellow light, etc, I have read so many metas on this :P Another of those moments where in-depth character analysis of its symbolism and stuff really saves the moment from just being kind of skeevy and homophobic.)

* * *

Got to love ridiculous things like the noose snake.

* * *

Mmm Dean x books

> DEAN Man…hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don’t it?
> 
> SAM You think we will?
> 
> DEAN What?
> 
> SAM Die before we get old.
> 
> DEAN Haven’t we both already?
> 
> SAM You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we’ll still be chasing demons when we’re 60?

*counts on fingers to see what season that would be*

Hm, this seems kinda likely tbh. :P

Love the good old barrelling towards an unhappy ending of Kripke era though. It was so on the nose.

They go on to discuss the roles of old hunters and what the retirement options are in their line of work: decided when a hunter is too damaged one way or another to keep on going in the active line of duty… 

> DEAN Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That’s just the life.

For the chronicles of Dean’s depressing life philosophy.

> SAM What if we could win?
> 
> DEAN “Win”?
> 
> SAM If there was a way we could just…put an end to all of it.

Dean’s depressing life philosophy flips a switch in Sam. Dean talks about how there’s too many faces of the evil they face to end it just like that but Sam is obviously thinking of Lilith after his conversation with Ruby, realising that her offer has a clear path to cut off the biggest head to the evil they face.

Probably also relevant to his mindset in season 8 when contemplating the Trials as once again a way to shut off the biggest source of evil in the world, and for them JUST having to fight more everyday monsters than demons would be a win.

* * *

There’s a whole bit here where Sam and Dean were in jail off-screen. Presumably they weren’t identified as the Winchesters but I do wonder what happened there.

* * *

> JAY I was just a kid when we first met. All I knew was how to cheat at cards. Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count. Hell, I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn’t been for him.[ Sighs ] he was more than my friend. He was my brother. 

I think they might be a metaphor…

* * *

> DEAN See, the thing about real magic is it’s a whole lot like crack. People do surprising things once they get a taste of it. 

*Sam glances over at Dean, his face dramatically lit on the side with red*

* * *

I like how they’ve decided the other magician is the face of evil and he’s sitting there in a sweater and slippers watching TV looking completely unthreatening. He wanders off towards a red exit sign. Does he survive this episode?

I’m guessing no - he just walked into the room under a red exit sign framed between all the red blades of the sword trick thing.

* * *

I’m curious about the spell Charlie used to make himself young again. He was benefiting Jay from it but I’d guess the 2 deaths were sacrifices and then the 3rd death - his “own” - was sort of like shedding a skin and taking on the stolen lives of the first couple of victims or something? Very symbolic rebirth thing to supposedly kill himself to do it. 

I suppose if he’s metaphoric of the brothers, Jay made him sound more like the older protective brother i.e. casting him as Dean, but his dabbling in magic is more like Sam and his arc for the season. Plus he’s a dark worst case scenario character whichever way you shake it. 

> CHARLIE I was there for you, like I’ve always been. Like I’ll always be. Come with me, both of you. You think the first time around was good? The second time’s even better. All the know how, none of the aches and pain. 

Another instance of a creepy “we should be immortal together forever” thing.

But like 3 besties instead of a one-on-one appeal instead. Creepy witch appreciates his friends. How kind. :P

* * *

Oh whoops apparently the other magicians are the ones who survive and just the bad guy dies. Convenient. :P That was a lot neater than I thought it resolved. I guess they remaining magicians get to be depressed and old together after this.

*last scene focusses on magician being depressed and alone*

> JAY Are you sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he’s dead… because I did “the right thing.” 

*ominous about Sam going dark and as always Dean being put in the position where the ‘right thing’ is to probably kill him* As per usual.

* * *

Aw Ruby’s yellow sports car. I can’t believe that’s her actual vehicle for the whole season. I now remember it in 4x22 but I didn’t link up that she literally has this car the whole time. 

Surprisingly the moral of this episode was that Sam didn’t want to be fighting demons as an old man which is why he decides to burn out fast now. Oh Sam. *shakes head sadly*

I assume he arranged to meet with Ruby and she didn’t just… sit there… in a side road… lights on… engine running… waiting to see if Sam would come. :P


	13. 4x13

More tiny Winchesters! Or, well, one tiny Winchester and one tall one. But in an interesting variation of the theme!

… As the shorter (slightly older) sibling who once thought I had a chance to not be so, the flashbacks of this episode just upset me on a personal level. :P

* * *

The recap on this episode is a DISTRESSING montage of all the lil Sam n Dean episodes and fights with John from season 1 and all sorts of other cute comments from up and down canon about his parenting. I’m not sure how people can watch that 1 minute summary of their terrible childhoods and think he was an okay parent?

* * *

Wow that was a vicious cold open. Slut shaming, bullying, murder, disgusting ecotoplasm coming out of the eye style horror… *moves quickly on*

* * *

Sam playing as an orderly at a mental health institution again, without Dean around.

(”Again” referring to how Houses of the Holy started with the same set up - I rambled about this for that re-watch so just commenting on a repeat)

Sam gets asked if he’s crazy while here. Is it this season or next they actually stay at the institution? *I think next because they splurge the apocalypse story to get themselves institutionalised if I remember correctly*

* * *

Old school 1997 style car porn with off-brand numberplates. 

* * *

I am totally behind the theory that Sam grew huge just to spite how small he’d been. :P

* * *

*sighs because teenaged Dean is a total jerk*

I mean I’m pretty sure I remember even within this episode it is shown just to be a defence mechanism, but he’s pretty gross to his teacher which probably = failing grades anyway even if he was going to try in the class, which he obviously won’t. I’m not an expert on kid psychology or stuff teachers learn about this re: kids who move around a lot but the dialogue is pretty anvillicious about him being checked out on caring about school because they move around so much. I’ve seen meta thinking about how he only stuck around in school at all at this point to keep an eye on Sam and this intro to the class shows he clearly already intends to be an academic failure.

* * *

Even though the flashback is sad it’s all lit in nice golden colours, which bleach out again when we fade back to present day.

I’m not sure how a universe where Dean is a gym teacher is particularly dark. 

I do find it funny how they can just get jobs if they try. I don’t know how long their fake credentials would last them for before a background check tripped something, but Dean was actually put in a position of responsibility over  _children_. Like. Hooow.

He yells at them like a drill sergeant which is all sorts of distressing to reflect back on John’s parenting especially since this episode has asked us an open question about it just with the pre-episode catch up montage. 

* * *

Oh look more horribly violent stuff. :P

Was… was there no teacher in that home economics class? Maybe they were quite young and rushed out with the mangled student as part of the exodus from the room so I didn’t catch they were a teacher among all the TV-friendly teenagers. It’s weird no one thought to deal with the attacking kid… Unless they assumed Sam was a competent adult to deal with the situation. :P

* * *

Sam’s grey jumpsuit and brown belt make him really blend in to the school aesthetic, while Dean is really blaringly red in that tracksuit. Commentary on how they did socially at school? Sam just wanted to fit in, be normal, Dean didn’t even care.

* * *

Ew Dean no, don’t talk about cheerleaders being legal. You’re gross. >.>

*problematic fave of the year 10 years running*

* * *

I like how mini Sam has a brown hoodie too.

… which has shown up in present canon AGAIN in the last couple of episodes. When did Sam stop wearing it?! I feel it can’t possibly survive to season 6 just because it’s not soulless!Sam’s style and along with Dean ditching the jewellery and jacket their look was stripped down from then on.

AU where Sam was wearing it when he confronted Lucifer thus it died a heroic death in Stull Cemetery. 

At this rate the brown hoodie I thought was only a season 1 thing probably IS in freakin’ Swan Song and I just have mentally discarded its presence.

* * *

The girl Dean’s making out with is probably the same age as some of those cheerleaders current Dean was joking about. 

I think it’s tragic how Dean comes up against a curfew when trying to get her to hang out with him more. Impassable barrier of parental care that he doesn’t have.

The girl doesn’t make a comment on his behaviour or anything - just immediately dismisses his sweet set up at the motel with free ice and magic fingers for the hollow lie of caring that it is: “Don’t you miss your dad?”

I find it hilarious I linked this episode to Houses of the Holy already for unrelated reasons when that was the one that first made a deal out of Dean x magic fingers.

* * *

*stops to sit and think in awe about Colin looking so angry and Sam-like after that confrontation with the huge bully*

*re-iterates my  _where do they find these kids_  thing from last time he was on screen*

*also just general amusement at how he’s SO TINY even to the other classmates*

But yeah, Sam struggling with his rage not to fight back… Sam and his anger issues. *sigh* this season is so much about that and here we get a look at him being tiny and about as unaffected as he can be, being roughly halfway between demon blood as a baby and myth arc kicking off when he hits his early 20s and the show starts. And we still see Sam getting really angry and wanting to fight back, and that being where his stress is about being normal and fitting in: when he flips out and fights back finally. 

Symbolically represented with the butterfly knife falling out of his bag when he walked into the classroom for the first time: an awkward moment to reveal he’s not normal but has all these violent undertones to his life. Gaaaaah.

* * *

*sad salt n burn*

time to go home! 20 minutes into the episode. This seems to bode poorly.

They are driving along with rain pouring off the car windows. 

Sam getting mopey because he couldn’t save the kid from years ago by sticking around to be his friend. The ongoing sense of Winchester responsibility for people, even when this kid didn’t die of any supernatural means. Sam knew him and therefore anything other than him dying old in his bed at 1000 years old means it’s somehow Sam’s fault when he dies. :(

* * *

Meanwhile teen Dean gets angry about people threatening Sam, and edgy about being stuck in the school so long after trying to isolate himself and getting stuck in a relationship which might involve  _meeting parents_  since he’s not leaving town too soon, that there’s now long-term consequences for his no-care actions. 

I am amusing myself that since this is a Dabb episode, John has probably been held up because of Dabb being Bad At Cars, and it turning out he needs an extra week of unaccounted for driving.

* * *

I wonder why Sam decided to write the werewolf story? I suppose he has the same no-care attitude, but he actually put enough effort into the werewolf story to be worth an A for creative effort. Interesting contradiction, that kid. :P

This episode also makes me kind of want writer!Sam in the same way previous episode made me want witch!Sam.

(I… have actually made silly headcanons about writer Sam along the way in this rewatch - check Bloody Mary and Bloodlust (well 2x03 had a Destiel AU but with implied writer!Sam) :P) 

Come to think of it, this season also had him drop the comment about writing the Supernatural books innocently as a cover in Wishful Thinking, and it was a sort of meta joke about the early pitches of the story that were never told (probably like how they’d occasionally pose as journalists especially in the first season)… 

I dunno, this is all a bit far behind them now, since the actual books that showed up would have killed dead any desire they might have had to chronicle their lives thanks to the massive privacy invasion in this medium, and also helpfully covered all the useful material for the first 5 seasons. :P

* * *

> MR. WYATT  
> Well… I don’t want to overstep my bounds here, but… you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. 

TBH for the Sam vs destiny stuff, this is telling him free will would let him not go into the family business, but in the end Sam ends up doing it anyway, and he TRIED running away from it and it still didn’t work, and he ended up right back there.

* * *

*giggles at (adult)Sam being beaten up by a schoolgirl* I feel terrible for her though having a handful of salt shoved in her mouth. That’s got to be nasty when she wakes up.

* * *

> SAM  
> Dean, there’s lore about spirits possessing people and riding them for miles, then whenever they leave the body, they’re bungeed back to their usual haunt. But until then, the ghosts can go wherever they want. 

So what you’re saying is Bobby didn’t need to go to all that trouble with the flask in the end of season 7? :P Well, I suppose he kept it on the poor housekeeper to make sure Sam n Dean didn’t just send him off unceremoniously.

* * *

Hahaha the bully called lil Sam “Losechester” … This came up at a recent convention. Apparently Jared is still stinging about this one even if Sam shook it off. ;)

You kick his butt Sam :3

… Oh no, don’t be the bully Sam.

*Sam inadvertently ruins the bully’s life and leads to his death*

Well his old dad says he already had troubles at school (which would explain why he was already a bully) and then Sam made it worse. Then the bully gets a sympathetic backstory and Sam feels awful.

Oops the father says he had a “lot of anger”. Also he died by addictive substances, which doesn’t bode well for the fact we’re a couple of episodes away from discovering this mystery thing Sam and Ruby won’t say the name of out loud is that Sam’s on an addiction arc. Especially since he embraced it at the end of last episode.

*warning bells for Sam*

* * *

*imagining Ruby trailing after them the whole time in her yellow sports car keeping a wide berth but being in range*

* * *

Dean has no chill any more about asking super weird questions about what human remains are left or where they are.

* * *

Did they put down a trap for the school bus? How would they even know it was coming? I… I don’t even know. 

Dabb. Why. 

I AM TRYING NOT TO TURN THIS INTO A THING BUT YOU ARE MAKING IT A THING.

* * *

Sam is doing a proper speech about evil based on this, but Dirk is just talking like this because he’s got high school mentality about bullies being evil. It just pushed all of Sam’s buttons because he has issues with Actual Evil.

> DIRK  
> Sam Winchester. Still a bully. You, you jocks… you popular kids… you always thought you were better than everybody else. And to you, I was just Dirk the jerk, right? Now you evil sons of bitches are gonna get what’s coming to you.  
>   
> SAM  
> I’m not evil, Dirk. I’m not. And neither were you. Trust me. I’ve seen real evil. We were scared and miserable, and we took it out on each other – us and everybody else. That’s high school. But you suffer through that, and it gets better. I’m just sorry you didn’t get a chance to see that… you or Barry.

Also compare to Wishful Thinking where they were also compared to being the jocks/popular kids by a nerdy guy. I suppose Dean being good at being a PE teacher fits that mould, along with Sam earning a little popularity by beating Dirk up.

* * *

I’m kind of cry-laughing. I got dragged away to do other stuff like watch the Wire then needed 2 hours to recover from that, for which time this became my desktop when the start bar randomly reasserted itself over the media player:

This is worse than when I let the desktop of my second monitor become the staring reindeer in the Christmas episode for 5 hours when I got distracted by SDCC stuff appearing on my dash. 

I’m sorry Sam, I can’t remember what else I was going to say about your little speech but I’ll press play to finally get this dude off you.

Meanwhile Dean:

> DEAN  
> I love Lizzy’s rewatches. She always ends up laughing about terrible things happening to Sam, which I too find hilarious.
> 
> SAM  
> Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Lizzy’s rewatches are the WORST. She types through all the action and always pauses when I’m blinking in dialogue scenes but makes sure you have an attractive expression.

* * *

Meanwhile: bad things happen to Dean.

> AMANDA
> 
> I’m not mad, Dean. I thought maybe… underneath your whole “I could give a crap,” bad-boy thing, that there was something more going on. I mean, like the way you are with your brother. But I was wrong. And you spend so much time trying to convince people that you’re cool, but it’s just an act. We both know that you’re just a sad… lonely little kid. And I feel sorry for you, Dean.  
>   
> YOUNG DEAN  
> You feel sorry for me, huh? Don’t feel sorry for me. You don’t know anything about me. I save lives. I’m a hero. A hero!

I think this is obviously a very simple look at Dean, but ALSO calling out Dean’s shell in any way is good for the casual viewer who doesn’t always seem to realise it’s a thing and even the most generic Dean is a lie. :P 

This rant from her seems a little contradictory to me on first glance like, pointing out there’s more to him, saying he just acts cool, but then pointing out there IS something under there, but it’s just a type of sad and vulnerable she doesn’t like compared to thinking the underneath layer would all be compassion as it is with Sam? (And even very surface level getting to know Dean in this situation, knowing he’s alone and therefore responsible for Sam at this point, would tell her logically if she thought about it that Sam would get disproportionate attention, even if Dean had met him last week and been told to look after him and was trying earnestly to do that while also socialising with others who weren’t under his immediate protection :P)

Let’s break it down…

He’s been using her as crap and deliberately making out with someone else probably on the hope she would find him (Hell if she was going into the closet she’d probably have arranged to meet him there or something so it was a set up on his part, since Amanda presumably didn’t just walk into the closet for no reason normally). He’s trying to break ties without making it personal (i.e. if he breaks her heart she SHOULD just call him a scumbag and storm off and no biggie there’s another town more girls whatevs) except she already unfortunately figured out he was lonely and vulnerable. She thought presumably that would make him secretly a kind sensitive boy under the shell in that stereotype of girls like to fix broken bad boys. Hence, she thought she saw under the shell and it was something good, but what she actually realises her interpretation of Dean is that he is just broken. I’m not sure she can possibly comprehend all of the other details going into it, like that Dean did this deliberately to break up with her for much more complicated reasons behind his already extensive emotional trauma.

He then shouts the thing about saving people at her, probably because he needs to articulate  _somehow_  that there was more to it than that, like, a combination of dragging back his ego for being described so painfully and in a way he’d agree with just because he’s got so little self-esteem, and trying to vocalise in not so many words that he’s worth something because of this but also that there’s bigger issues at stake than random make outs and the whole saving people thing is taking priority over her - over his whole engagement in the school system at this point, as he’s only putting up with it by the barest thread. Random temporary girlfriends eased the time spent stuck in school but were blatantly disposable because he always had a bigger priority.

Not that I think he’d honestly realise much of this at this point/ever especially as it takes him until season 9 to voice some really serious sadness about hook ups not filling the void inside. :P (Well I mean My Bloody Valentine sort of suggests that in a very surface level way before it gets even DARKER on its assessment of Dean and makes you forget it started off about Dean not being into hook ups. :P)

But yeah. I don’t think her final assessment of him is properly accurate to the full extent even if it’s true on one level, just because she thinks she’s diagnosing his biggest trauma because he’s just the kid abandoned by his dad for work, to her. HE defends himself by stressing that he saves lives which he thinks makes him cool and worth something, without stopping to analyse that it’s this that is making the rift between him and non-phony socialising. He’s sort of borderline breaking their secret here although I don’t think he would seriously expect anyone to believe him and they all dismiss that rant: he just wanted to yell that there is SOMETHING worthwhile to him, as far as he believes, reinforcing his own self-image of the cool guy shell he’s made himself to hide behind, and thus deflecting himself from his own reflective thoughts that might let her words settle too deeply.

In the present day and in the past after this argument, he reflects on how he hated the school everyone in it: all that self-loathing this incident COULD have caused gets reflected outwards and tarnishes the school in his memory.

(I’m not saying he couldn’t have self-reflected after this, just that it’s clear right here in both past and present when specifically thinking about this incident he’s brushing it off by retreating into his “Hunters are cool, suck it” shell and therefore any knock he took here could easily be redirected to saying the school was terrible.)

Aurgh it’s after midnight.

At least I’m not still staring at Sam getting squished. Sorry for that ramble. :P

* * *

*Car shows up again with an extremely strong glare over the driver’s side windows from every angle despite how they normally almost always manage to film it to show the Winchester contained within*

* * *

And just because Sam had a happy-ish moment before he was dragged away as a kid which has already been undermined by his sad parting from his friend now turning out to be sad parting from his soon to be DEAD friend, now we get to end the episode with Sam being deeply unhappy after going to talk to his old teacher. Like, “Hey, you inspired me to try and do something with my life but I didn’t do it!” “Well hey as long as you’re happy!” “Nope I am miiiiserable it is the apocalypse and I am pretending I am not fuelled by demon blood and lying to my brother about it. Things are FINE.”

… I feel like after putting Sam through 3 hours of a badly timed paused episode and then laughing when I noticed, I may not be qualified to comment sympathetically for a while because I was just so mean to him. Whoops. 

Sorry Sam.


	14. 4x14

Or: honestly this episode is a can of elephants in the room you don’t want to open. Maybe I should just screenshot Dean’s face for the entire thing instead.

* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Opened can of worms (aka, my actual notes) below. 

* * *

Like seriously, I feel this rewatch is going to be a trust fall for you guys and me given what I ended up writing, which is why I’ve actually come back up to the top to pad it out and leave a disclaimer. :P 

This episode is a grade A example of complete subtext fuckery from the show, which basically puts the rest of it to shame, even the entire Destiel subtext argument doesn’t seem to come close to the hair-tearing this episode can cause. There’s like 12 rug-pulls along the way, 2 of which briefly seem to canonise bi!Dean in general and w-ncest in particular (avoiding the word for tag-search related reasons). (Also fandom chatter throws around the “lol Nick looked like Cas” thing as well but I’m not going to drag Destiel subtext into this clusterfuck :P)

Anyway, because this episode fascinates me and I read so many arguments about it, I went in deep, for the sake of balanced reasoning. Not a balanced conclusion though. I seriously tip the scales one expected-for-me way, but it’s important to have something actually  _in_  the other side of the scales so I can explain why I think we emphatically did not end up with that except for in the same ongoing unacknowledged subtext it always has.

So, that viewpoint established, you can still back out if you don’t like reading any prodding of the ever-present but normally unacknowledged-by-me subtext for that  _other_  big ship on the show.

(I throw in shame-faced disclaimers every time it comes up anyway :P)

* * *

* * *

Blah, cold open full of domestic violence that on first viewing you have to assume is supernaturally motivated because the show is, but like, in context of right then? Brr.

(Like with last episode’s cold open I don’t think the message is particularly dodgy? Obviously the actions are condemned in the text as bad things to do, but it’s still shocking and unsettling and somehow this run of episodes feels like there’s a lot of this harsh terrible human nature stuff floating up, while in earlier seasons the cold opens were generally stylised as horror movie stuff and you could feel upfront there was a monster involved… Having exhausted that approach, they’re slowly slipping into a different take on the genre, and I guess I’m just starting to notice it more here.)

* * *

Sam sneaking around: shown in the mirror but not LOOKING in the mirror, and he’s shadowed and looking away and muttering down the line. With the volume up you can hear he’s talking about demon omens to Ruby but it’s murky.

There’s more yellow light as well, behind Dean and *gasp* his diamond patterned bedspread. (lies, mistrust, demons, etc. Ruby’s off in her yellow sports car most likely… :P)

(This is now a blog dedicated to Ruby’s car. I feel denser about realising she had the same car through this season a couple of days ago than I do about not realising until season 10 spoilers began showing up that Cas had kept the car from Road Trip for the entire last half of season 9)

* * *

Dean accidentally asks super weird TMI questions when “waking up” because sometimes he is as sneaky as a potato. The recap before the episode focussed a lot on the lying, particularly on Sam’s side as we build up to the demon blood reveal, since this episode’s going to fracture them as part of the run up to that reveal and they’re not going to properly make it up until like the end of 5x04, right? (Well and then some patchy reconciliation after that in the following MotW but The End was the important step.)

Worth noting, while we’re digging around in the can of worms, that this section is framed a lot as Sam unfaithfully sneaking around with Dean looking over at the empty bed, Sam on the phone to his girl in the bathroom, the lying etc all framing it as a sort of collapsing marriage, setting up the blocks for the siren to get in between them, and for how Sam’s involvement with Ruby is what fractures them over the season.

(I am 100% not arguing this means the siren got to Dean  _that way_ , merely that this is how the narrative of the episode is adding one of multiple possible interpretations of what Nick did to get to Dean, and this is the most subtextual layer but probably how the most surface layer explanation that was offered in text gets tarred with that interpretation despite that fact that the logic of the episode and the stated text both don’t actually literally give us that explanation.

It’s perfectly legit to take Nick’s comments on face value and have it a platonic bro thing, without it being because incest, and it’s perfectly legit to take it as a sign of Dean being bi with the added exploration of the siren’s methods, and have it as a sexual thing,  _still_  without it being incest. But this show likes its polysemy and in this one off case I’m dragging out all the dirty laundry because of the arguments surrounding this episode, and so I’m going to actually  _look_  at this episode for the sake of having an account of eyes on the ground next time these discussions come up.)

But yeah, Dean’s ongoing fear and mistrust of Sam that’s been shown throughout the season/show is a key part of the “I need a better brother” thing which lets Nick in in the surface level of the text. The framing of the issue within this episode is subtextually suggestive in a way the show sometimes is with these two but in the context of this episode it’s now a talking point. Sorry. :P

* * *

Dean continues to be awful at maintaining a lie by joking about how they’re terrible lawyers to the guy who killed his wife in the cold open.

There are obnoxiously close close ups with this guy. Like, single eyeball filling up the screen close ups.

* * *

Hi Cara!

Where’s Dean? He’s already been separated out from Sam on this case and they’re ages away from meeting the siren. :P I forget just how much they get branched off, but of course Sam has to establish a unique connection with her, just like Dean establishes his unique connection with Nick.

There is a long camera angle with a fish tank that I am distractedly watching, but it also films Sam n Cara through her window with the blinds making a sort of bar effect: to go with the red exit signs, Sam has prison imagery this season (there was SO MUCH of it for Dean in season 9 &10 it’s definitely part of a dark descent arc)

But yeah I am mostly distracted with delight at being able to watch a fish tank for a minute.

* * *

I like A: how they came up with this actual obvious science for the effect of having been got by a siren, because the oxytocin thing sort of makes sense with TV science (this seems pretty benign but I never made it past A Level biology so I don’t know :P) and B: how Cara is all professional about telling Sam for a moment but then sort of snaps and starts rambling a bit more poetically about it for no reason and spilling a ton of personal info. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> Dude, you totally C-blocked me. 

Dean wanders in late, and has zero chemistry with her, while Sam has all of it. This line is followed with an abrupt scene change where Sam doesn’t get to argue or Dean defend that absurd conclusion, which seems most likely jealousy that Sam had her attention and not Dean, when he is Guy Who Flirts On Cases to get stuff. Like, I don’t even know where Dean would have had an opening for Sam to get in the way there, he and Cara had so little interaction since she shut him down so fast by redirecting her attention back to Sam. :P

Obviously at this point Dean knows Sam is banging Ruby, though I doubt he’d be upset on her behalf Sam was flirting, probably a little irked about Sam’s honour in the deal, which would *kind* of give Dean a “right” to be the one flirting if anyone was going to do it.

Or, can of worms, it could be suggestive of jealousy in the other direction, for the ongoing unhappy marriage parallels, again with Sam as the unfaithful one: it doesn’t matter that Dean is complaining on the surface level that he didn’t get a chance to try and pick her up: the fact Sam was sparking off someone else takes precedence in this logic.

(THE FACT THAT REQUIRES A DROP IN LOGIC THOUGH OKAY? This is why I don’t normally handle this brand of subtext: it’s got a weird surface layer where it seems like it might almost work, emotionally, but like, it’s actively going against character actions and motivations and basically every other thing including the bulk of their other expressed emotions the way I interpret them, and ALSO I’m still only seeing this as a framing thing to be suggestive of it for thematic reasons, as always. :P)

* * *

> SAM  
> You seem pretty cheery.
> 
> DEAN  
> Strippers, Sammy. Strippers. We’re on an actual case involving strippers. Finally.

I am always amused by how this episode averts Dean’s enthusiasm. At this point in canon I can remember noting 2 instances with Dean and strippers: 1 in Heart, where he went to the strip club to tail the supposed werewolf who wasn’t one, and lied to Sam about where he was, and Sin City where they did not go to a club, but sleazy Ritchie referenced their succubus case and Dean smoothly changed the topic of conversation away in front of Sam. So this is actually as far as I’m aware unless I blanked on an instance, the first time Dean has openly expressed an interest in strippers to Sam. 

Sam is… not present when Dean goes to the strip club. Huh.

He’s being reasonably good at schooling his eyes.

I would assume since he came here alone, this is where the siren pegged him as trouble. Especially if they are the dancer right near where Dean’s talking to the club owner, and can hear him reeling of the most recent 3 aliases they used.

Ah, Sam was here already, but not for the conversation where Dean was yelling loudly about 3 customers murdering their wives right in front of one of the dancers. Well then. :P He appears to have been on the phone with Bobby? I find it interesting they had them arrive separately anyway.

Dean continues to be very good at not looking through the next conversation with Sam as well. He looked when they were specifically discussing the siren’s methods and had a brief moment of appreciation, but then casts his gaze around to take in the clientèle spending their money after Sam says, “Yeah. If you were a siren in ‘09 looking to ruin a bunch of morons, where would you set up shop?”

* * *

> DEAN  
> So whatever floats the guy’s boat, that’s what they look like?
> 
> SAM  
> Yeah. You see, sirens can read minds. They see what you want most and then they can kinda, like, cloak themselves. You know, like an illusion.

Aaah man here we go. :P Immortal lines.

Cut to the siren seducing the next dude and cue the sweet relief of the subtext that shatters the first interpretation offered by the subtext so far. Sam n Dean have had their relationship portrayed a certain way (overtly: the lying and ongoing season 4 angst, subtextually, a little odd framing and stray comments beyond the norm) and the episode will come down  _about_  said relationship, but this random bloke is the key to what happens next.

Siren:

Disappointed mom and Jesus judging this guy:

The siren emphasises not that she’s a sexual rival (although we don’t know if that guy has Oedipal issues) but mentions that she is a sink on his time and an anchor stopping him from running away with them to be alone together forever and ever and ever, which, with their line about him not sticking her in a care home yet, suggest that she is ill and frail enough to be a full-time job for the guy, much like Dean is stuck with Sam as part of their full-time job and ongoing “look after Sammy” mentality. 

So before Nick ever shows up it’s clearly shown that “floats the boat” has a surface level disconnect to the target of murder (and it’s just that statistically the siren is going after mostly hetero dudes with wives, given where they pick the men up and how lends itself to the typical MO). This scene is obviously the “lol no incest” for the end of the episode once the siren tries to drive them apart, and amazingly “lol no incest” is such a powerful force that the “lol no homo” is lost along the way. What’s even  _funnier_  is that they try the “lol no homo” in the main text too. The end of the episode should imply through the surface text that it was a platonic bros thing, and yet. Both sexualised interpretations live on: the massive logic leap to say “yeah well what if there  _were_  Oedipal undertones to this relationship?” which is a headcanon you can float which will mean the siren can still get Dean for  _that reason_ , but at this point, the main text of the episode becomes: “the siren will use sexuality to seduce the man, but the target closest to the man that will be the victim is that of unfortunate proximity, not  _necessarily_  a sexual rival to the siren.” And therefore, until the reveal after Dean drinks from the flask, we have a  _long_  stretch of episode where Nick is main-text seducing Dean with no argument, and the only counter-argument offered is Nick’s own words.

* * *

Dean x books!

This scene is INTENSELY dark black and red, and features the fighting lions wallpaper, which is pretty obviously symbolic of the scrap coming up at the end of the episode, and I think actually sparked a wallpaper meta BLOG which I have seen around that deals with just analysing set stuff.

We have Dean staring at Sam’s phone and eventually checking it to see who he has been calling: of course, Dean knows Sam and Ruby is a thing AND that the last time they dealt with Ruby she helped them out and they were a team. He doesn’t  _like_  Ruby and resents her involvement with Sam on an obvious surface level, but at the moment in canon Sam probably could be most relaxed about letting Dean know he was calling Ruby, except for the fact he’s concealing the demon blood thing, which Dean still doesn’t have the faintest hint for (and won’t get one until he sees Sam drinking it in action) so Sam’s secrecy and lying about that creates the tension expressed in this scene. So once again, to briefly shake out a few more worms from the can, we potentially have the framing of a trope from jealous husband stuff. 

* * *

> DEAN  
> Wait, he killed his mom?
> 
> SAM  
> The woman he was closest to.

Dean’s thoughts go there. Sam shrugs it off, having either not noticed this is weird because new info makes sense to him, or he’s already worked this one through and come to the realisation the siren’s pattern isn’t strictly sexual or that this  _was_  a thing but he’s not going to judge. :P So we have two conflicting interpretations at work here; Sam’s chill attitude which surface level suggests there was nothing odd about it, and Dean’s ‘ugh wait but with the information I had available to me I have come to an incredibly awkward realisation!’ tone of voice. (And the subtextually buried one contradicted by the main text of Sam’s dialogue where it is also possible he assumes like Dean this was incest but that it isn’t weird/gross enough for comment.)

Sam is implied to be ahead and be offering a rational explanation for this to Dean, i.e. wow that was an unfortunate interpretation, Dean! Fortunately, I, a better-informed individual who has had more information to work with than you before we started this conversation, have come up with a rational alternate explanation which does not involve incest!

…

However I will phrase it ambiguously as ‘closest to’ so that all possible interpretations remain on the table for the viewer at home because we wouldn’t want them to have a clear idea what’s going on here, would we? Ha ha ha.

* * *

One of the things I like about this  episode, to go totally off-track, is about Bobby’s involvement. This will make him 2 for 1 in riding in to dramatically save them from their own blunders: Tall Tales was a point to Bobby, Dream a Little Dream a point to the boys. I’m gonna keep score for this over the show. :P (Yellow Fever doesn’t strictly count because it just affected Dean and he didn’t actively do anything to get sick, it just happened to him in the first 5 minutes of the episode) Obviously the other format of their help from Bobby doesn’t count here either or there’d be no point keeping score since they rely on him so much.

What also amuses me is that Tall Tales and Dream both had the format of extremely interesting hotel rooms (I’m 99% sure this is a hotel and we see Sam coming down the corridor towards the room when Dean and Nick are lying in wait?) so this is, like those 2 episodes, yet another location parallel. I’m honestly not sure what it’s all about but I am deeply amused that the 3 episodes now stand out on Bobby/the boys save each other from cases they were overwhelmed by, and the presence of hotels rather than motels, and strongly thematic rooms to boot. (The Tall Tales room was more their own mess creating the visual interest, but obviously Dream had the strong bird imagery, and now here we have the fighting lions and heraldry imagery.)

(Since “saving Bobby when he’s in too deep” will eventually include things that happen his own home, I feel I should also add Dream was the first instance of Bobby attacked in his own home, and 4x02 the second with a walking down the corridor parallel, but they all 3 saved each other that episode, so the points weren’t awarded :P But I think “Bobby in peril in his own home” has the overlap so I’m going to count it in the scorecard.)

~theeeemes~

* * *

I can’t believe this rewatch has been SO on track thus far that a point on a different theme felt like derailing my own meta. These things are normally extremely scattered. (I am riding out a migraine since this scene but I’m still awake and functioning so let’s just pretend I’m fine! :P)

* * *

> SAM  
> Uh, what do you think, she infects the men during sex?
> 
> BOBBY  
> Maybe.
> 
> DEAN  
> Supernatural STD.

Friendly reminder of what they assumed the lore meant at this point while trying to decode Ancient Greek flowery prose. (There is a popular text post about this point as well as a couple of other things I’ve already said which are based off popular meta with a lot of angry replies, but I don’t care about being super original any more, I am just documenting everything :P) THIS one just stays unfortunate implications given what we see on screen, but we have a lot of proxy-kisses/sex on this show. Heck, in 4x10, NOT TOO LONG AGO, Dean and Anna’s hook up included Cas by proxy thanks to the use of the handprint.

(And while we’re opening this can of worms for one episode only, 2x22′s demon deal is very much a proxy kiss of life between Dean and Sam.)

(but like Dean n Cas have already proxy done it in the back of the Impala at this point so I now don’t care about the earlier implications :P)

* * *

Ah, here we go. The rollercoaster is clicking up to the top of the ascent now. :P Sam n Dean walk through a door together for the last time and I guess they’re split up from now on? The episode has made a point of their separation already, with only their initial interview in the jail having them REALLY work together, even when they’ve been in the same location and met up within the scene.

Something for the unintentional but now a thing series of Sam from Above While Talking to a Love Interest

I honestly don’t know how we got here but I’ve screencapped the phenomena twice with Ruby and now here we are.

Also I liked the red chairs. Red being the guys, the scrapping lions from the wallpaper: the chairs have a time out object between them in the form of the fish tank just to represent separation, and, for deep subtext, the girl between them too, since Cara has already symbolically come between them with Dean’s gripe about being cockblocked.

* * *

Hi Nick. 

*lols hard about Dean and Nick trading “Buddy” “Pal”*

[I… just detoured to trawl my 33 page tag for 10x18 to retrieve this dumb gifset. You’re welcome](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/117308790830/casbadass-endless-argument).

*intermission*

* * *

Dean and Nick look each other up and down, asking each other their names. Nick answers Dean but Sam steps in to answer for the both of them. If you’ve been following along, you’ll know I flip out about this but if you’re really interested, check the Monster Movie and Yellow Fever rewatches for the two-part explanation ramble (Also: 10x08, 8x13 mysteriously feature this theme): Sam n Dean both flash their badges when they don’t know who Nick is, but then Nick shows his badge and we get a very awkward look from Dean, with his shoulders shifting uncomfortably and an “oh shit” look. While Sam is doing the introducing and happily managing the situation without freaking out, he casually re-shows his badge for longer inspection, while Dean… potatoes. (I’m using that as a verb for doing nothing, also for symbolic continuity with Dean being terrible at maintaining a lie with my earlier joke. Look, I said I had a migraine now. :P) 

Dean and his badge is a very particular story tied up with his identity, and the persona he uses on cases, and THAT identity he made up for himself in Monster Movie as an alternate persona that gets the girl is actually a key feature in some of the more prominent bi Dean moments. 

If you think every time I talk about Dean and his badge previously I have not been anticipating this episode… :P

Basically, yeah, if Monster Movie featured an episode-long fling with Jamie under the fake Fed persona (and the fact he defaulted to a “nah we’re X-files” not “actually we’re civilian brothers who hunt monsters” cover when things got real) that established what he wanted to be like, this episode, examining things that float boats, features Dean  _trapped_  in the FBI persona when he’s asked to keep an eye on Nick, which leaves this theme wide open for the ongoing exploration of his bisexuality in the text, once again delivered through this proxy persona to Dean. 

Of course, him not showing his badge is significant in of itself. It’s got different interpretations in different ways (i.e. 10x08 Dean gets super defensive of the badge and has a massive wall up against Deputy Douche’s flirting. 8x13, Dean puts the badge away without breaking persona, and removes the wall to Aaron). Here, Dean is, as I said, trapped, but him not showing the badge has him stuck in an exposed state - but he doesn’t defend himself by putting up the wall and playing tough (some discussion of that kind of play acting getting broken in Dream a Little Dream, which had overt parallels to this episode (Cathryn Humphris wrote/co-wrote both) in how the bad guy got Dean and also featured him acting various levels of honesty as the fed persona) or retreating within that shell he offers himself. It’s a strange halfway state for him, where he will open up and share the surface level stuff - music taste, etc - and emotionally bond with Nick, but not strictly as himself, himself being Dean Winchester, messed up hunter with Hell memories and brother problems. He can be someone with Dean’s car and music tastes and so on (and Dean’s  _other_  tastes, like, say, this guy who floats his boat) without the associated issues. 

Not even sure if it was clearly established before this episode but they continue to use “Sam” and “Dean” as first names with just the rock alias as a surname, at least in the case of these IDs, which lends a further halfway Dean halfway not thing (and of course “Winchester” is the most loaded (lol sorry pun because gun manufacturer) name in this universe to mean hunters and so on…) 

(I feel like this will be a theme with 4x17 and Smith & Wesson’s AU lives somehow. :P)

And of course the FBI cover in itself is a proxy to them being hunters, and with Dean going off with Nick as his partner for the episode (in Monster Movie he continues to refer to Sam as his work partner not his brother after the monsters are real talk with Jamie) he’s clearly a stand in Sam in whatever way you are reading this, on the level of being his partner.

(To recap for my own stuttering brain: three levels at work: uncomfortable incest subtext buried deep; the current textual progression through this episode where Nick is seducing Dean sexually which we get like 3 seconds to process as a fresh viewer; the eventual textual no homo/no incest/whatever of motivation where it’s all about plantonic brother issues, which, see above, dear old mother, is not actually as effective as played.)

* * *

(Unrelated thought: terrible but effective foreshadowing for how useless Adam would have been for the dynamic had he not been already eaten by ghouls. :P Another deceptive non-brother actual monster that got between them, though that one bonded with Sam. Maybe BECAUSE Dean didn’t trust extra brothers out of nowhere after, textual level of the end of this episode, Nick’s incursion into their lives.)

* * *

Gratuitous screenshot for [justanotheridijiton](http://tmblr.co/msbbZom6stVUaSwCo2j0eeQ) who is mourning finally leaving behind an ancient phone:

* * *

Ahh, Bobby and your terrible greasy Kiss the Cook apron. Do you never worry the real FBI will hear bacon sizzling in the background? 

* * *

Heh, Nick says “get this”.

I’ve forgotten to tally up if Sam actually does say it more than Dean, but eh.

* * *

> MUNROE  
> What do you say we, uh, go down there and check it out?
> 
> DEAN  
> Well, here’s the thing, Nick. See, we’re kinda lone wolves…

Only tangentially related to the ongoing themes! Dean states a sort of contradiction of him and Sam  _both_  being lone wolves, like, that is literally not how lone wolves work if the two of them are together. Again, there’s 2 readings on this: that they actually  _are_  lone wolves, but, like, with each other as a unit lone wolf, or as with the theme of the episode (and those scrapping lions) he and Sam are their own peeps, and they’re about to get legitimately separated by the narrative to each take their own path through the rest of the episode.

* * *

> SAM  
> Dude, you gotta stay with him.
> 
> DEAN  
> What? 
> 
> SAM  
> Keep him outta the way.
> 
> DEAN  
> Why me?
> 
> SAM  
> 'Cause I gotta get the blood samples.
> 
> DEAN  
> What the hell am I supposed to do with him?
> 
> SAM  
> Just take him to the strip club…keep an eye out for the siren. Come on, Dean, just… just focus on the naked girls. You’ll forget he’s even there! 
> 
> DEAN  
> I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for the girls.

Pffthaha. 

Sam is angling to get rid of Dean to flirt with Cara, yes. Sam also has a legit angle that he is the one Cara  _likes_  so he can flirt with her to get the samples, so there’s 2 levels at work JUST with Sam’s motivation. 

Meanwhile Dean is told to disregard Nick’s presence in favour of staring at the dancers, and he agrees, except that we know he absolutely does not forget that Nick is there, but actually gets completely charmed by him. Pre-mind-altering-proxy-kiss. It’s interesting that Sam suggests it for Dean, because it gives us Sam assuming something about Dean’s sexuality (that, yes, true) but also then has him  _disregarding_  the other side of Dean’s sexuality (which, fair enough, Dean polices the shit out of himself not to reveal that BUT at the same time up until current canon of this episode, the biggest bi Dean flashing neon lights of anything spelled out in the text is Sam’s line from Playthings in response to “why do they think we’re gay?” (which, Dean’s reaction is more interesting as the real red flag this was not a joke, but Sam’s response puts all the blame for others thinking they’re a couple on Dean’s shoulders.))

* * *

Meanwhile Nick fancies Dean’s car. 

I feel while the can of worms is open… There’s a parallel here to another moment which comes under ‘deeply uncomfortable incest subtext for ts’

> MUNROE  
> It’s a '67, right? It’s a 327 four barrel. 
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah, actually. 
> 
> MUNROE  
> It’s a thing of beauty.

…

> DEAN  
> And this – this is a great car.   
>   
> DEAN opens the hood of the IMPALA and leans in. JOHN joins him on the side of the car.   
>   
> DEAN  
> 327 four barrel, 275 horses. A little TLC and this thing is cherry.   
>   
> JOHN  
> You know man, you’re right.

I know it’s just the specs of the car but it hasn’t been said all that much, and it came up in 4x03 and there’s a sense (enough I have seen meta about it from a couple of different places) of Dean kind of coming on weirdly strong to young!John right in parallel to him outwardly stating the thing about Mary being hot. (Basically: the woes of a bisexual time-traveller haunted by edgy incest subtext :P)

* * *

*recovers pretty easily from that reference because of Dean bonding with Nick*

… I got nothing to say. This is new people, new things, experienced for the first time. :P This is the season of Sam’s revenge playlist on his ipod, we’re not meant to draw a line between music taste and Sam: Nick is being more like Dean to spark off a connection. Surface level, yes, but one of the things people do on dates is try and forge out common ground to help them connect. 

The fake persona of Nick and the fake persona of Dean are adorable together, in a wildly unsustainable way. <3

* * *

Meanwhile the grumpy adults in their rumpled undone shirts and loose ties are busy actually working. 

And by that I mean Cara’s got whiskey out. I assume it’s because this is past home time so she’s technically sort of clocked out. And fake FBI guys don’t have bedtimes.

> CARA  
> Haven’t you ever been in a relationship where you really love somebody and still kinda wanted to bash their head in?

Sam gets a “lol yeah” look in his eye and this one at least seems like a fairly normal bros paralleled to a romantic relationship thing but not in a weird way just in a we-spend-too-much-time-in-the-car-together way.

* * *

Cara super emphasises the pronoun of her ex. Headcanon queer!Cara who’s had at least one other significant relationship with someone of another gender, and thinks of things like pronouns quite carefully.

* * *

Sam ignores a call from Dean (about the case) to pursue the situation with Cara.

She and he share drinks, but in 2 separate glasses: that part at least is much less intimate than Dean n Nick trading the flask back and forth.

* * *

Wait did I fall asleep and miss that scene (it’s 1:40 am now) or is there something more? We had the wall-slamming Sam n Cara scene and cut to Sam walking down the long red hotel corridor (bull fighting imagery! To go with the slap fight lions).

Oh, nope, I guess Sam is alone. He comes back to find an ominously empty room with 2 neatly made unslept in beds. Look, if nothing else the time skips imply some things, as has been said in better meta, about how we see each step of the relationships with the other couple doing the other part off screen. So we see Dean n Nick getting to know each other at work while we skip Sam n Cara looking at the video; we see Sam n Cara hook up but skip Dean n Nick. The 2 empty beds create a visual emphasis on the gap, asking “Where’s Dean?” via them BOTH being not slept in which just asks us what Dean was up to while Sam was busy.

* * *

> DEAN  
> A hunch? I’m giving you cold hard facts here and you’re giving me a hunch?
> 
> A few seconds of loaded silence. 
> 
> DEAN  
> Did you sleep with her?
> 
> SAM  
> No. 
> 
> DEAN  
> Holy crap. You did. Middle of Basic Instinct and you bang Sharon Stone? Sam, you could be under her spell right now! 
> 
> SAM  
> Dude, I’m not under her spell.

More framing malarky: this is 100% above board, except that because of the situation of the episode, Dean is given a narrative excuse to be ragging on Sam for sleeping with someone.

> DEAN  
> Unbelievable, man. I just don’t get it. 
> 
> SAM  
> What?
> 
> DEAN  
> Nothing. 
> 
> SAM  
> No. Say it.
> 
> DEAN  
> No, It’s just…first it’s Madison, and then Ruby, and now Cara. It’s like… what is with you and banging monsters? 

Meanwhile this is more general Dean being judgemental, linking Sam to monsters via his partners, and obviously the pain on Ruby, with Cara as a potential fresh jab, since Madison was extremely sympathetic even eventually to Dean’s perception of monsters. 

This is where season 4 themes come back in, because Cara is just the MotW mirror equivalent of Ruby and the arc there: Dean feels she’s threatening Sam and is a monster (in this situation Sam is right and vindicated for this, in the long run Dean’s instinct on Ruby was right). Of course he also thinks there’s some mind control at work (through sex) and in 4x09 he made it clear he thought Ruby was manipulative especially with what he heard of Sam’s TMI story there. Basically, his fears about Ruby cause him to lash out at Sam over Cara when there’s a possibility she’s the monster, because he just wants Sam to be careful and  _not_  controlled by a monster. 

The “what is with you” on the other hand plays into the theme of the season of Dean genuinely for the first time beginning to fear Sam IS the monster: he’s always been scared of his powers and set up for being scared of Sam himself, and so he is finding this connection that links Sam to the monstrous, and he’s wondering out loud if there’s a genuine thing here: that some darkness in Sam just  _attracts_  the monsters too him or he to them. 

(I’m laughing about Charlie worrying she was a monster magnet and also sad because Charlie.)

Because Sam has done something that’s undermined Dean’s faith in him for the episode, Dean insists he has to handle the situation alone now because Sam is now potentially compromised by what he did. 

* * *

Sam gets really angry and chucks his phone, and… Goes to look in the mirror at himself, actually meeting his own eye! He looks  _furious_ , but he’s actually taking self stock! Compare to the start of the episode when he was in shadow and facing away while talking to Ruby. Given Dean’s comment directly asked about his nature, perhaps he’s doing serious self reflecting on that now. Progress!

(Though, Sam makes it to Levee Breaks before openly taking stock, and then does the thing anyway, so… Hesitation on the descent, perhaps. :P)

* * *

Meanwhile Dean panic-calls Nick for back up, and joins him in  _his_  car for the stake out, surrendering another big chunk of his identity for this encounter, and getting into Nick’s space, basically, and it makes him the passenger, not the one in the driver’s side. And yeah they’re on a stake out and not going anywhere, but symbolism. 

Everyone always points out how he’s still not technically under any influence at this moment. 

Nick earns the final level of approval/trust by saying HE trusts Dean on this one: now that is a definite fix-it to Sam n Dean’s relationship this season. :P

And there’s the flask! Dean, my child. My poor, poor child. I’m too sad to even think about you and alcohol and how this is your downfall.

* * *

*proxy kisses*

That glorious, glorious moment of floating amazement where the it-was-a-actual-legit-seduction text peaks, and you’re allowed a moment from which most bi Dean peeps never recovered. (There’s a three strikes and you’re out policy here: Playthings, this, Dr Sexy. :P)

Because of course, whatever comes out Nick’s weasely mouth once I press play again,  _the question has been asked_. The idea has been planted. It doesn’t matter what they say after this even setting aside all the logic of siren lore explained in the episode or any of the other circumstantial stuff which leads me to my text of the episode conclusion this is a bi Dean episode through and through. 

They gave Dean a male siren and gave us these few seconds to let us reflect on that in its pure, this-was-a-seduction in the main text of the episode moment. There’s a level outside the text here where they set this all up, and threw this at us, and handled it in such a way as to leave it open to going on 7 years of fandom arguments about what interpretation was the correct one of the 3 on the table. This is the thing about these fandom arguments: when it comes to people trying to tell those who see Dean as bi that they’re making it up or something, or putting it into the text themselves, the response is usually, no, we’ve got it from the show. Even if you immediately go along with one of the other 2 alternatives (it was platonic all along despite the siren’s sexually charged MO: it was about a sexual proxy for Sam all along despite the fact the siren textually does not have to replace like for like objects of affection) THIS MOMENT before we know it’s officially about Sam, the show is textually letting you think about it for 3 seconds in a deadly serious context.

It’s like 2:30am I need to stop waxing on about this but  _seriously_  this fucking moment.

* * *

*sleepily emerges in the morning* Rise and shine, Lizzy. You’ve enjoyed this moment long enough. :P

* * *

Aw, Nick, no. We were having so much fun.

> MUNROE  
> Or it could be her saliva… You really should have wiped the lip of that thing before you drank from it, Dean. I should be your little brother. Sam. You can’t trust him. Not like you can trust me. In fact, I really feel like you should get him outtta the way, so we can be brothers. Forever.
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.

So, what’s left on the table?

  * Completely valid if out of left field for the episode’s subtext alternate reading of Dean as somewhere on the Aro spectrum so the siren doesn’t affect him at all romantically, and goes for filling the emotional void it creates from a different angle (several season 3 moments imply Dean has a void in himself for romantic love as emphatically distinct from his need for Sam, but I’m pretty sure I clocked them all coming from Sera as an ongoing subtext about Lisa as endgame, including foreshadowing of what happened with Lisa in the long run when Gamble got to write that full arc, so you could argue A: it’s all from one source as with the many contradictory writer impressions of Dean’s sexual/romantic identity, and B: it wasn’t even as straightforward as that even when she was implying it existed, as that relationship eventually wrecked itself upon the shores of the brotherly bond too, by her pen).  
  

  * The interpretation that this was just about Sam, platonically, because this is his closest relationship, and the siren, recognising he was a hunter, needed to get to him fast (the other victims took a lot of softening up and a hefty blow to their bank accounts first because this is clearly how the siren makes a living: like the shifters it doesn’t need to kill to eat, just for fun, using its powers for personal benefit and amusement) and so it took an alternate approach to get under his skin in a day using the available tools: Dean is all fucked up about Sam’s secrets and sneaking around talking to Ruby and being a monster and so on, creating an ideal weak spot to get at him: Nick creates an uncomplicated ideal other human for Dean to adopt as a brother, because he fully intends just to make the hunters kill each other/themselves on realising what they did and leg it out of town before anyone comes to finish him off and so to them the sexual side of it is an unnecessary complication to tidying up the situation.  
  

  * As above, but with the siren’s sexually charged MO included despite the only proxy-kiss because of all the subtextual implications and the links between Nick and Sam.  
  

  * As point 2 again, but with the siren’s sexually charged MO still counting in the background of why Nick, because Dean’s repressed bisexuality made him a double easy target as Dean would not suspect the dude, while thinking he was hunting a stripper, and yet the siren’s MO still works on him as Dean’s “float the boat” umbrella is very wide. The “brother” thing goes back to the main text platonic reasons, and Nick just needs to say something to get Dean on his side that’s still broadly in character for Dean (like, he would not have just magically got through his whole gay panic in that moment: the other victims were all aware of who they were and what they wanted throughout: part of Dean’s horror in this moment is probably realising the siren affected him AS Nick and having the same moment of wondering about himself before Nick’s reassuring words ease him along - oh, this is  _just_  about Sam).   
  
So in this case Nick finds it easier to go for the surface reasons Dean was emotionally vulnerable with the emphasis on his lack of trust in Sam, because Dean IS emotionally vulnerable in his most important relationship, and creates an ideal other person is someone who represents Sam just enough to show he fits the emotional void, but is sufficiently different enough (fun, common traits and interests to Dean, trustworthy) to count as a separate identity to Sam (because Dean does have a ton of issues which do not necessarily have to be incestuous but can be to do with the most important relationship in his life having an overbearing effect on everything he does and the way he relates to other people, as constantly shown elsewhere without demanding we pay attention to the alternative reading unless the viewer is inclined to like it and look for it).



And I am aware that after talking about how the incest subtext takes the most leaps along the way, it’s the bisexuality argument which, by being debunked by platonic bros main text, gets relegated to the back seat, now needs a strong counter-argument to its own “debunking”, while the main text is more compatible to the other subtext’s conclusions.

This is why there are fights. :P

* * *

Anyway the platonic bros will now fight also.

I have always thought the fighting heraldic lions look like they’re getting involved in one of those arms length slapfights. :P

Sam walks in to see Nick sitting on one of the (crisply made) beds: again, linking those beds to Sam n Dean’s off-screen adventures. No one fucked in those beds this episode, but it was happening off screen for definite for one of the brothers… Nick sits on a bed and begs another question. :P (Though, if you think it happened after the toxin, that’s one type of subtext; if you think it fit in the back and forth between Sam n Cara and Dean n Nick, that’s the other. Gosh this episode. >.>)

Nick makes Dean prove he likes him better by hurting Sam: Sam trots out one of those breaking mind control lines that never work, then gets back to insulting Nick. He gets violated with a no fuss no emotional strings attached squirt of poison in his mouth for his troubles: assault rather than seduction for Sam (and I feel sort of proving the siren song thing is totally a myth: the siren is just really charismatic, but has no magical power to talk someone into liking them: it has to find a way to administer the toxin. But CAN use it offensively like this, just prefers the whole being in love over and over thing.)

* * *

Anyway, now the episode really is just bro melodrama, because it defaults back to the main plot points:

> DEAN  
> And it’s not the demon blood or the psychic crap. It’s the little stuff. The lies. The secrets.
> 
> SAM  
> Oh, yeah? What secrets?
> 
> DEAN  
> The phone calls to Ruby for one.
> 
> SAM  
> So I need your say-so to make a phone call?
> 
> DEAN  
> That’s the point. You’re hiding things from me. What else aren’t you telling me? 
> 
> SAM  
> None of your business.

Sam gets his dangerous smirk when he says the last thing: this is him  _admitting_  there is something else that he’s hiding, so I guess Dean is aware that something’s up now for definite even if he has to wait like 6 more episodes for the truth.

THIS is just rude:

> SAM  
> OK, fine. You know why I didn’t tell you about Ruby, and how we’re hunting down Lilith? Because you’re too weak to go after her, Dean. You’re holding me back. I’m a better hunter than you are. Stronger, smarter. I can take out demons you’re too scared to go near. 
> 
> DEAN  
> That’s crap.
> 
> SAM  
> You’re too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in hell. Boo hoo.

And plays into a lot of Dean’s fears about Sam: deep seated parental fears about children flying the nest and going out into the wide world on their own, up to teasing fears about what Sam is becoming with the monster arc (foreshadowing their other huge physical altercation at the end of the season and its reasons too). 

I don’t think there’s necessarily a truth spell aspect to this: just that Sam has been made to absolutely not care about Dean any more and vice versa, so they’re saying the things that they think will hurt the most. In this fight of words definitely, Sam has the upper hand as Dean is currently more traumatised and fearful (and his fear is a major part of his character arc for the season, hence Yellow Fever) and Sam has been watching this all season and learning what has messed Dean up for the sake of trying to be sympathetic, except here it’s instead used to attack.

* * *

Oh man, Dean and red exit signs is back, and he gets the axe to kill Sam. With all the red around him, a brief alarming flash forward to demon!Dean. :P

* * *

Hell YEAH look at that hero pose:

* * *

This is one of those “let us never talk about it again” moments I think, for them. :P

* * *

After Bobby points out he found out Nick wasn’t real with one little phone call, he shares a  _long_  look with Dean. Not sure what he’d know from their phonecalls that it was Dean who was most entangled with him, or if they’ve actually explained the full story to Bobby since, textually, it’s got a nice surface layer to hide behind. But I kinda think this might be where Bobby figures some stuff out about Dean, and they drop the subject when Dean doesn’t answer, and Bobby just casually asks the both of them if they’re going to be okay.

I think that long look really says it all, tbh.

* * *

> DEAN  
> You gunna say goodbye to Cara?
> 
> SAM  
> Nah, not interested.
> 
> DEAN  
> Really? Why not?
> 
> SAM  
> What’s the point?
> 
> DEAN  
> Well, look at you. Love 'em and leave 'em.

This is an interesting parallel back to season 1: whenever Sam had a brief interest there, Dean pressed him to see if he wanted to stick around a little longer, even talking about backtracking to spend more time with Sarah after they had nothing else the next episode after Provenance. He’s still offering Sam the chance to spend a little time with his love interest of the week, but Sam’s POV on it has changed. A lot of his season 1 interests were wrong time wrong place, or we’ll meet again style fleeting sweetheart moments, and Sam’s motivations to move on were mostly because of the ongoing plot tug. Now it’s more that he knows the ongoing plot tug will come, and so he’s jaded to this… Another little sign the cute season 1 Sam that Dean expressed not knowing any more in their fight is gone. Maybe in a way this was a test from Dean to see if Sam would react in the wistful season 1 way.

* * *

Sam makes a point of saying it wall the siren’s spell talking in the fight after that, and Dean’s like yeah we’re good and they drop the issue like yeah, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

….

I’m sure Dean is pretty happy to think it’s all the siren’s spell. Yep. Let’s just pretend this episode never happened.

Sorted. :3


	15. 4x15

Or: the title of this episode (Death Takes a Holiday) is coincidentally also some of my ridiculous season 11 speculation for what happened to him. 

beach episode tinhatting 4eva

I’m not even exaggerating about that:

<http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/124069350688/im-still-in-denial-about-death-dying-i-think-he>

* * *

Wasn’t that bison bar sign in season 9? Or 10? Or both…

Hm.

Anyway random dude is not dead. Good for him. :P

Gosh that must have been traumatic for his family at the end of the episode when he did suddenly go back to where he left off here. The apocalypse probably fuelled a TON of conspiracy theories and the like: maybe it would take a little while for someone to accumulate all the stories in one place, but I mean there’s like 40 other seals that were broken off screen at this point already: MOST of them must have some pretty weird tales to go with them.

I just wonder what the landscape is like for Fortean Times style journalism over the next couple of years. :P 

* * *

Dean struggles to make a jukebox play his song. I feel this is somehow symbolic of his life.

It’s possibly the same jukebox from 4x01, which was red and blue. The blue side is pretty obscured here, and the salt n pepper shaker on the nearby table is not a black pepper shaker, so the morality thing is further muddied. I feel the design on the breakfast menu is somewhat reminiscent of the Mystery Spot diner (an episode about someone who couldn’t STOP dying :P), and this is Carver so I think the callback is intentional whether it’s the set guys having some fun because of the link or not.

* * *

Dean’s eating a burger though - a sign for the moment he’s alive and well and healthy, or, season 3 symbolism, that he’s eating himself to an early grave. Tend to think the symbolism since he got back is that they’re connected to life and humanity for him. TBH aside from the fact they take a jaunt into the veil this episode, I got nothing on the meaning. :P

* * *

Oh, wait, he uses sitting eating it to bitchily decline to come with Sam, since he’s still sulking about last episode. Heh. 

Is he wearing his TFW plaid? I can only see the collar but it’s brown and yellow anyway.

> DEAN  
> Sure you want me going with you?
> 
> SAM  
> Why wouldn’t I?
> 
> DEAN  
> I don’t want to be holding you back or nothing.
> 
> SAM  
> Dude, I’ve told you a hundred times, that was the siren talking, not me.
> 
> SAM  
> Can we get past this?
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah, we’re past it.

S’funny because we don’t get an actual proper on-screen meltdown over his sexuality thanks to the siren, it turns around so that despite the fact they focussed intensely on Dean and caught Sam as an afterthought, it was what bubbled up out of Sam’s mouth which has left the lasting emotional wounds of the encounter. (I mean I can’t imagine Dean had a very happy stretch of quiet reflection afterwards but the narrative is now focussed on what Sam said.) So it’s Sam who’s all “doesn’t count, Siren,” which is interesting considering Dean is always the one normally arguing that coerced or accidental truths don’t count if awkward conversations bubble up… Of course, when it benefits him.

I’m sounding grumpy about Dean but I’m actually mostly amused by him stubbornly clinging to his burger. Sam admitted while under the siren influence that there was some deeper parts to the secrets he was keeping that Dean had no idea about, and so Dean is being stubborn and angry with Sam because he knows he’s still being lied to, and so holding it against Sam in an ongoing way (he’s so not past it) is probably his way of reminding Sam the issue is still current just because there’s more to say. Not necessarily about the terrible stuff Sam said that was just personal attacks, but the issue remains hot.

It’s still fantastically bitchy from Dean though. :P

* * *

Heh, the fake religious bloggers explanation. Sam glares at Dean for getting too creative with the cover. 

> SAM  
> Yes, sir. Floored by the Lord dot com.
> 
> DEAN  
> All of God’s glory fit to blog.

I guess that’s Dean deviating from their original bare bones lie: he likes adding details to their stories and Sam always gets grumpy. I think they just have pretty different approaches to lying. Sam adheres to what sounds most like the truth with the least complications to remember. Dean has fun and gets in character, but also isn’t very consistent and often does say weird stuff that gets them funny looks or over-steps. 

I dunno, just ongoing Sam is a bad actor/effective liar (probably BECAUSE he’s a bad actor and knows how to compensate), Dean is always pretending to be things and enjoying not being himself stuff, but last episode at least had him flub a lie/cover like 3 times or so almost like there was a point being made about him not being who he says. :P

* * *

They’re staying in a motel called the “broken saddle” which is probably symbolic of something. Maybe the ongoing bro fight. Or Pamela.

Or the broken natural order or something. Their room’s deco is literally “everything is ancient and it’s up to you to decide if the peeling paint is aesthetic or just because nothing’s been touched up for 70 years.” Visible decay in an episode about death. Yep.

* * *

Do we ever see their full desktop? It looks pretty dudebro just from around the edges: I see a skull and graffiti. I wonder what it is. :P Just… One or both of the Winchesters browsing for cool desktop backgrounds, squabbling over what one (this one seems to be a fixture for multiple seasons)…

* * *

They work out what’s up pretty quickly, although this one is preeetty logical. Sam gets points for cracking it, but he calls them “grim reapers” which is quaint. :P

* * *

Heh, seances in a graveyard. What are you, 12 and sneaking out past your curfew to do occult things to be edgy?

* * *

They’re actually wearing gloves and breathing out huge puffs of steam. Brrr Canadian weather.

* * *

> SAM  
> Look, I don’t want them to die, either, Dean, but there’s a natural order.
> 
> DEAN  
> You’re kidding, right?
> 
> SAM  
> What?
> 
> DEAN  
> You don’t see the irony in that? I mean, you and me, we’re like the poster boys of the unnatural order. All we  _do_  is ditch death.
> 
> SAM  
> Yeah, but the normal rules don’t really apply to us, do they?
> 
> DEAN  
> We’re no different than anybody else.
> 
> SAM  
> I’m infected with demon blood. You’ve been to hell. Look, I know you want to think of yourself as Joe the Plumber, Dean, but you’re not. Neither am I. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’re gonna be.

Dean hates the case because fixing it means people die: obviously this is part of his ongoing issues with Death (and Tessa) because at the end of the day all THEIR interactions come down to being about the natural order. Generally. Which Dean fucks with all the time, so the thought of letting this town off the hook to just keep not dying is massively appealing to Dean’s sense of meh who cares about the natural order, people aren’t dead, mentality (who needs to save everyone if no one dies? DEAN can take the holiday!)

(I am aware typing this that this is pre-season 11 and season 11 MAY or may not deal with the absence of literal Death and therefore this (a Carver episode no less) might have just inspired me to venture some season 11 speculation. I don’t even know :P Season 10 was season 3 done over, so why not season 11 be season 4 done over?)

Of course this doesn’t stop him being defensive of their place in the natural order… He might screw with it all the time but he still thinks they shouldn’t get big heads about it. He can defend his actions or feelings about screwing with the natural order as doing stuff for the greater good/or at least good reasons… I’m not sure this is any more of a good morality than Sam’s, but it’s a different way of looking at it. Maybe he is cautious of the idea of thinking themselves better just because they have defied it in the past leading to bad things in the future? Sam’s idea of the normal rules not applying to them, after defying death so many times etc is part of his prideful nature (I am remembering how Pride talked to him in 3x01 always along this arc :P) and Sam has a thing for power. His comment about being “infected” with demon blood is especially dark, since he is actively drinking it at the moment and Dean doesn’t know this: Sam uses what Dean DOES know about him as a way to subtly mention it but with incorrect information. This is pure dark!Sam stuff and it’s very sneaky and scary, especially as it sounds almost sympathetic depending on how at the moment you’d be interpreting Sam’s struggles with his powers if you thought it was innate and had no further strings attached. The “infected” makes it a passive affliction, and yet he’s the one infecting himself over the season. Like Dean justifying his past times he’s messed with the natural order, for what feels like a good reason. But still.

I’m not sure how either of them  _really_  has a leg to stand on in this conversation, but they have their positions and they’re defending them and they both think they’re right and by both their different sets of morality they can see themselves not being wrong, and that’s how they can be dangerous. :P

* * *

Fortunately(?) Alastair comes along to save us from this ethics class.

Him accusing them of devil worship is much funnier when you know who he is shortly before the proper reveal.

Wow, Alastair is keeping tabs on the wife of the last meatsuit to see how she’s coping with his loss just for fun. WHAT A GUY. 

Dean gets knocked out in the fight immediately so he can’t see what happens next with Sam and Alastair, and, you know, there’s a little worry that he cracked his head and died and we don’t know until the end of this episode when it’s fixed. :P

(I mean the angels would just put him back if he did die, but… inglorious way to go. :P)

* * *

Aaaaugh Sam does the thing where someone gets flung against the wall but instead of the demon doing it, Sam’s the one flinging people about. SAM NO.

I mean yeah it was Alastair and this is one demon you kinda would rather they just killed and so on - Sam eventually managing it next episode is a grim victory but seemingly at the expense of Sam’s humanity. Aaaugh. 

This is why Dean was unconscious. Alastair flees before Sam can do anything else to him: if Dean saw the demon that tortured him for 30 years flipping out to be confronted and overpowered by Sam?

(I think… Dean is unconscious by that point in On The Head Of A Pin as well?)

* * *

Gosh Sam is scary with the eyebrows and the heaving shoulders. I love him but he’s OFTEN a “would not want to meet in a dark alleyway” guy even if I KNOW he’s a sweet nerd whenever he’s not being terrifying.

* * *

Dean complains about probably having a concussion. TBH the thought he’s dead the whole episode is pretty compelling and I am sad that I know this isn’t true because that would have been an awesome twist.

* * *

> DEAN  
> Sam, do me a favor. If you’re gonna keep your little secrets, I can’t really stop you, but just don’t treat me like an idiot, okay?
> 
> SAM  
> What? Dean, I’m not keeping secrets.
> 
> DEAN  
> Mm-hm. Whatever.

I wonder if Sam is using the siren thing as a wall because they’d not show this on screen since it would encourage speculation *shock horror the scandal* but between brothers it seems to me that it would be very natural for Sam to be teasing him about Nick as a way to lash out to keep Dean from asking about the secret Sam revealed he was keeping: I think it’s a sort of implied thing. Sam’s instated the rule that it didn’t count with the siren, which benefits Dean not to have a challenge issued about Nick, and Sam gets to not talk about the secret. Even saying “the siren” as he did near the start of the episode reminds us of Dean’s part in that. 

This is also like Bloody Mary, way back in season 1, where Sam told Dean he was keeping a secret (the visions! Same shit, different year :P) and Dean had to deal for a little while longer knowing that Sam was holding a secret but wouldn’t tell him what it was. This is exactly the same deal but 1000% times worse for motivation and shock value and also came out via coercion rather than Sam willingly telling him. Just like how Uriel ratted out Dean remembering Hell to Sam.

* * *

*takes another shot for “you can’t kill Death”* AND this one in a Carver episode. :P

I know I know Death is only mentioned for the first time obliquely in this episode and not even fully in character with the Death we know and this is actually referring to the reapers as last time Dean said it. BUT COME ON.

The dance between Dean and Death is seriously one of the most fascinating dynamics on this show and I say that well aware this is the show with Destiel in it so competition is steep in my opinion.

In this case, my ongoing fascination with the fact it was Dean who said this line so many times, and Dean’s connection to reapers continuously being emphasised… 

Mind you I am still sobbing about the pothole in Nebraska that they dodged the wrath of twice in Faith. I mean, that can NOT have been intentional but the tapestry of this show is a thing of fucking beauty with unintentional everything.

Again: said about the show with the unintentional Destiel. :P

… honestly I hope no one ever asks me to pick seriously between Destiel vs Dean n Death (and associated reapers etc). I am enjoying both unfolding with roughly the same glee.

* * *

And I am still very not okay with that part of 10x23 because of how much I like Dean n Death. :P Screw you Carver.

* * *

Anyway points for Dean for being the one to come up with the clever idea of being dead to find the missing reaper.

* * *

> SAM  
> Well, Pamela, you’re a sight for sore eyes. 

OH COME ON. That was just painful enough in 4x01. :P

Dark!Sam. I’m just going to blame everything on Dark!Sam.

* * *

> PAMELA  
> Yeah, I do. And guess what? I’m sick of being hauled back into your angel-demon, Soc-Greaser crap. 

I feel like she may have objected largely because this is her death episode so it needs to be especially sad that she didn’t throw herself into it eagerly. Filed under: deaths the boys had to talk someone into, so the show can give them man pain over it. (If Pamela was eager and into it, then she died in the line of duty and so be it, that’s the life. I guess is the reasoning for making her reluctant to shift the blame.)

* * *

They break out their millions of candles for the sake of mood, despite the fact Pamela can’t see. I have a feeling tons of open flames somehow just magically makes things more spiritual in the rules of this universe or something.

* * *

I find it vaguely unsatisfying that Pamela can’t hear Dean asking her dumb questions when he’s a spirit, since she’s the psychic. I suppose she needs to establish a connection to the spirit world and listen SUPER HARD or something which she’s not trying to do. But still, she literally just ushered them into the veil, she should have an awareness it worked?

* * *

They look reeeally cold. No fun going sleepy times in indoor clothes and then being stuck outside in those clothes pretending to be spirits who can’t feel that there’s snow on everything. They have very unrealistic breath puffs for peeps who are currently disembodied. :P

* * *

*has nothing to comment on about the whole ghost kid thing really* Except he’s called Cole, and this is a Carver episode. I also noticed a shopfront behind them being “Benny’s” something when they were out on the street. Someone already pointed out to me all the Amelias are Carver characters, and then we have Coles and Colettes all over Carver Era. So… I dunno. :P Amused by his naming patterns.

* * *

Hi Tessa! She makes all the lights flicker with her initial appearance in a ghost-like way. She goes whooshing off to collect Cole. I remember on a post of mine there was a comment the other day about what happens to ghosts when they move on: I know this is a special case, but Cole is already dead and did the equivalent of ducking his reaper: though he’s now a ghost and there are other people who could be moved on that actually need to die as well, Tessa is doing this in order, and the fact he’s already dead and in waiting as a ghost doesn’t factor into it. I wonder if reapers can be summoned by the ghost naturally deciding it’s time to move on or by their tether being burned, and since in the normal way of things a reaper just is the place it’s needed to be when someone dies, they are there to collect them when that decision is made.

I dunno, I mean there is a list for this town but a reaper already tried with Cole. :P So she has to sense that the decision hasn’t been made here and come back for another go. 

Makes me wonder.

* * *

I’m laughing at the thought of how it feels for Dean to go to all this trouble and the second person they talk to already knows who he is and not in the “all angels and demons know a Winchester when they see one” way.

I’m laughing  _harder_  at the thought of Sam going to all this trouble, finally meeting someone who knows what’s going on, and  _of course_  they personally know Dean already.

Like, the woes of being the little brother, seriously.

* * *

Tessa probably got to know Dean super well over Mystery Spot. I am now 100% convinced she was his reaper there, and  _every single day_  he had the exact same corny pop culture reference after he died, and then a pun about whatever death he just had. And Tessa always remembered and rolled her eyes harder, and then the next loop Dean would be back with his corny line and pun.

I don’t know if anyone outside of Sam and Gabriel would remember the time he reset, but Tessa exists outside time, so I like to think there’s an argument she is a very unnoticed victim of the loop.

* * *

Anyway, Sam then goes from just being annoyed Tessa knows Dean to like, really, he doesn’t remember her and she’s kissing him? (this is just ongoing overshadowed lil bro headcanon. :P) Like, seriously, what kind of a life (or death) does Dean lead where they can show up a place like this and immediately meet an ex? What kind of life does Dean lead, Sam wonders, where he can have a girl in every town and one for the veil too? :P

* * *

Oh, the headcanon is ON that Tessa actually did fall in love with Dean and his stupid jokes every time he died. He probably made a flirty comment with her every single time, and just wore her down from repetition. :P

She doesn’t remind him of this though, just the original catch up, because she is a professional and can deal with her feelings, and anyway as complicated as this ridiculous mortal’s life is, he’s still just a human dude, and she is a reaper and she doesn’t get emotionally compromised like that. Grumpy yet irrationally attached to him by the end, I suppose. :P She never seems really happy to see him. I applaud her decision not to remind Dean of all the good times they shared and just carry on like nothing happened. It’s very Tessa. :D This isn’t even breaking my heart because I’m so confident she’d be fine. :P

* * *

I am totally cheapening the moment. This is one of the most heart-aching little Dean moments.

He can’t take his eyes off Tessa but his eyes are sad and heavy. Now he knows where she’s from, he ALSO remember the events of the episode, especially the talk they had and the decision that he made. So, 2 seasons late, now he’s got not just his own sense of wrong about being brought back (remember how they were talking about the natural order earlier? I still don’t think Dean’s understanding of his place in it was that he was doing anything wrong for bringing Sam back because he felt like he was already defying the natural order since 2x01…) now he knows for certain that his decision was overridden by John. Though Faith was kind of the start of it, 2x01 had the much more detailed discussion of Dean’s life, and kicked off the whole arc of season 2 that led to him selling his soul, and he’s just got the perspective on the season that viewers have always had but he’s always lacked. So now he’s looking at Tessa and seeing her representing a could have been: who knows what would have happened with Sam etc down the line (John would have still been alive for better or worse given the advice he passed onto Dean about killing Sam) but none of it would have been on Dean’s shoulders, and he’d have passed on within the natural order.

Which is a super important terrible thing for him to have fresh in his mind for next episode and finding out he broke the first seal, I’m just saying. :P

* * *

I told [iwatchthepie](http://tmblr.co/mNVKHEcvz-Mgb2ySEuYpkNA) my ridiculous Dean x Tessa headcanon and she said that if Tessa was Dean’s personal reaper (ONLY DEAN WOULD NEED A FULL TIME REAPER) it puts a real spin on him killing her in 9x22 just before he died. Because of course after that it’s proved he’s immortal. It was already symbolic enough him rejecting death by killing a reaper just before, but I mean, if Tessa was actually sneakily linked to him then it’s extremely symbolic of that he has no more use for her when he kills her. YIKES.

I said to myself I wasn’t going to write about that or indulge Carver era reaper lore or look at season 10 and all I’ve done so far is talk about Carver era stuff.

Why can’t I quit you, Carver? :/ Take your retcons and go.

* * *

Back to admiring the Tessa of the present, actual, unfolding canon: one of the things I’ve always loved about her is just how much she (and later Death) adhere to true neutral, natural order stuff. (I often get squeaky about characters who live up to interesting D&D alignments: advance warning for my screeching noises about season 5-7 Crowley as Mr Lawful Evil :P)

> TESSA  
> Except that this town is off the rails. And someone has to set it straight.
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah, we understand that, but these are special circumstances.
> 
> TESSA  
> What? Your whole angel-demon dance-off? I could care less. I just want to do my job.

I just… *flails* love this sort of characterisation. Tessa SHOULDN’T care and she IS above the main fight. She’s in danger, yeah, but I don’t see her as being arrogant or careless or anything: she literally just does her job as she thinks she is supposed to, and will always argue along that line. Her irritation with Dean over the series is probably a lot to do with how he’s outside the natural order so much; perhaps her sympathy to him from their first meeting where he did want to adhere to the natural order is being tested by all the actions since… Perhaps her reminder was basically just to try and guide him on the right course by reminding him how powerful the natural order is and how he once respected it… I DUNNO. I just love Tessa. I will be over here rolling around in thoughts about her all day if you don’t stop me. :P

> DEAN  
> Well, then, could you hold off until we fix this? Please.
> 
> TESSA sighs.
> 
> TESSA  
> All right, but just so we’re clear, when I start reaping again, I’m starting with the kid.

Tessa understands that there is something screwy going on here, and so she backs off from being a force of nature for a while because Dean (and Sam) are already here taking a pretty ridiculous step towards sorting it just by showing up here, so she’s clearly going to give them the chance anyway. But she reasserts that Cole is on her list, and, as with 6x11, she stresses that  _kids just die_  although at this point she hasn’t seen how deeply that affects Dean this is what happens in Appointment in Samarra, kinda: I think perhaps she understands here that Dean would object to a kid dying more than others, because humans have morality about who gets to die and who does not, which she lacks because for her everyone dies.

I think this episode was what made her rightfully wary of adopting Dean as Death for the day though. :P 

* * *

Sam says what he’ll have to to get Cole to help them - i.e. admitting he’s going to have to lie about Tessa reaping him to get his help. And swears on it to the kid. Don’t know if dark arc or just Sam being Sam.

* * *

Fuck’s sake, I’m pretty sure their house has the same wallpaper of cascading white roses as the first motel room in Faith.

WANEK. *shakes fist*

* * *

When I say the Dean n Death thing gets me right in the heart I mean it. :P

* * *

> TESSA  
> I’ll tell you, life is funny.
> 
> DEAN  
> What do you mean?
> 
> TESSA  
> You and me, together again.
> 
> DEAN  
> Are you—are you making a move on me?
> 
> TESSA shakes her head.
> 
> TESSA  
> You’re the one that got away, Dean. You’d be surprised how little that happens to me.

Ehehehehehe. (It’s about to get tragic so I’m enjoying the moment one last time for my Mystery Spot headcanon to shine)

* * *

> DEAN  
> After our little, uh, experience…for that whole year, I felt like I had this…hole in my gut…like I was missing something. I didn’t know what. Do you know what it was? It was you. The pain of losing my father and Sammy. I just…I wish I had gone with you for good. But I guess things are different now.

Is it… wrong for me to ship Dean with death (lowercase d)?

Argh, these notes aren’t remotely intelligent any more I’m just screeching about how much I eat up this tragedy. :P 

But yeah, here he is, a few minutes later, having contextualised everything he felt over season 2 with what he now knows, and realising what it all MEANT what he felt over that year. I talked so much in my rewatch about how he was checked out and miserable and didn’t want to be doing the job, and how his self-worth all trickled away… To hear him put it all down to this one moment.. Yeah, John caused it, but Tessa was there for it and offering him a way out not to feel all that awfulness. I can see why he says this. :( He’s been living outside his own time LONG before he was resurrected this season… It’s only a third repetition of this for him. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> So, you know about that, huh? Well, hey, don’t get me wrong. I mean, most the ones I’ve met are dicks with wings. But still… You know, I’ve done things. Horrible things. And someone upstairs still decided to give me a second chance. It just makes me feel…I don’t know. 

To Dean’s ongoing awful brief faith for this season: since the first few episodes of the season he’s kind of embraced the idea of actually being on a holy mission and maybe having a purpose, and that this IS a good thing. 

“Most of the ones I’ve met” - probably talking about Anna as the exception, but she was human the whole time he knew her. And it’s the stuff Cas has said to him in 4x01 which has been popping up when he talks about this (again in Monster Movie) so even if he thinks he’s a dick still, it’s Cas’s influence that is looming over Dean’s temporary, tragic positivity about his situation.

Hahahaha I know what episode is next. FUN TIMES.

I suppose really this is just to remind you how cheery Dean is about his resurrection this time, just so it HURTS MOAR later.

* * *

I like how Tessa is so chill about the approaching demon smoke like “nah, that’s not me making the approaching monster effect” and then it grabs her. And… Tessa, darling, your life is in danger. I know you are the second chillest character in canon after Death Himself, but still. You could have at least raised an eyebrow before your kidnapping.

(I’m kidding, shit like this is why I love Tessa. :P)

* * *

Sam is so snarky in the background of Dean trying to learn to move things with his mind. We see them do the fight training together, but only Dean focussing on trying to be telekenetic, which is interesting. Because I think there would be slightly different rules, but Sam is still amused that Dean is bad at it, and we don’t see him straining himself to do it. It’s only implied that he had to learn as a ghost. I’m 100% it came easier to him when we didn’t see him learning it. :P

* * *

Aaah the “demon invisible ink” you can only see in the veil. We see Cas seeing it a couple of times as well, which is great. I suppose he can see in the veil. I’m sad he didn’t come to chill with them before they went in here, but he was keeping his distance at that point. Playing it cool because he didn’t want to come on too strong yet. ;D

I don’t even know what I’m saying.

* * *

The demons vs ghosts fight is hilarious. But demons have the upper hand that they can touch iron even if it burns them, and ghosts just get dissipated by it, so Sam n Dean are outmatched. :( Advantages of meatsuits and the added ~daaarkness~ that comes from being a demon.

* * *

Brr. Alastair’s last meatsuit gives me the chills just to look at it. This actor is… too good. Do not like. I’m kinda glad I’ve never seen him in anything else so far as I know.

* * *

Ugh, him shooting Dean just for fun. >.> 

He challenges Sam (who is doing the scary eyebrows and shoulders thing again) to use his mojo on him “again” and Dean’s head whips around to look at Sam, because Sam told him he didn’t do that. Not even sure if Alastair knows or cares about this, but now he’s probably kind of amuses Dean didn’t know that just because it’s something that unsettles Dean. 

* * *

Boo Pamela is in danger. :( I don’t know why they didn’t lock the door and put down defences just as a precaution. I mean EVEN locking the door would have been a start. They might not have been expecting Alastair, but it’s the APOCALYPSE, you guys. You need to be more paranoid. >.>

* * *

> DEAN  
> You’re gonna kill a reaper with that? It’s little on the nose, don’t you think?
> 
> ALASTAIR  
> Is it? An old friend lent it to me. You know, he doesn’t really ride a pale horse? But he does have three amigos.

I have decided that with the eventual canon of what we know about Death being locked up by Lucifer, that this thing has been knocking around in Hell for ages, and Death has nothing to do with Alastair having it. He’s just called Death an old friend because Alastair likes killing things, and probably has gross fanboy feelings about Death totally being his BFF if he could hang out with him, without realising Death is totally not the sort who would actually want to be his BFF.

Alastair would be so pissed off to know Dean is the sort to be BFFs with Death, insofar as Death could  _have_  BFFs.

* * *

Ooh yeah we see a reaper death on screen before an angel death. It’s a big clap of thunder/flash of white light deal. Also, since OTHOAP is next up, probably worth mentioning the parallel between reapers and angels having the one weapon that can kill them. (And of course later we know angel blades kill reapers, this thing will kill angels, not that it’s ever used for that so far)

(Dean being Death and getting his own scythe next season would soothe my bitterness :P)

(Yeah, if you can’t figure out my stance on Carver and reapers and Death, that’s fine because neither can I :P I’m flipping out about this episode anyway.)

* * *

I like Dean and Sam’s twitchy trying-to-do-psychic-stuff faces.

* * *

Props to Pamela for sassing the demon even though she’s scared.

Aww but nooo. :( Poor Pamela.

She looks spooked as Sam does his exorcism. I wonder what it feels like. :/ She could sense the presence of the demon and called it “reeking”… Aurgh.

* * *

> ALASTAIR  
> You can’t run. Not from me. I’m inside that angsty little noggin of yours.

Boooo. :< 

Also: effective warning for next episode.

* * *

Hehehehe. “GUESS AGAIN” 

Cas wins a bonus point to the introduction thing because that was smooth as fuck.

> DEAN  
> If you want our help, why the hell didn’t you just ask?
> 
> CASTIEL  
> Because whatever I ask, you seem to do the exact opposite.

What HAS Cas asked Dean to do so far, tbh? Nothing in 4x01/2, 4x03 was a set up and Dean TRIED to stop it anyway even though he was fighting a dud fate. He then immediately went to see what was up with Sam when directed there by Cas and even though he’s not been GREAT at managing Sam and his powers, doesn’t even know about the demon blood and we have literally just established Sam has been lying to him about the powers in the previous sequence of the episode.

Then in 4x07 Dean did disagree with Uriel and Cas, but Cas revealed their motivations at the end of the episode, that once again it had been a set up, if this time in Dean’s favour. So they were supposed to do as DEAN asked.

4x09/10 were the first times they actually disagreed, over protecting Anna, and so, discounting the pumpkin episode as a scam, we have literally one instance of Dean doing this in canon, and it was not a request as per “hey there’s a seal, go save it” but a fight the whole way.

I think this is actually further evidence of Heaven stopping Cas chilling with HIS new BFF, as per what he says next episode about getting too close, and though this was a flawlessly delivered scathing line, it’s not the whole truth. Sure, Cas can still be bitter about Anna but he can’t tell Dean that he’s in trouble for liking him, so he defaults to the fact Dean is kinda terrible to work with, despite the fact that Dean has been talking for a good chunk of the season about how he’s actually happy to have a purpose and feel like God/Heaven/Angels have something they want him to do for them. (Ahaha.)

As with 4x07 I don’t think there’s really any reason for them to have this conversation either: perhaps to try and school Dean a bit more by showing him Heaven is effective and has its shit together, and to thank him after the fact from a PR standpoint to gain his cooperation… But if Cas isn’t allowed to talk directly to Dean any more, here’s a micro rebellion where he goes to fill in the gaps in person. :P

* * *

One thing I will always love is how the camera whooshes around to make Cas disappear, and Tessa pops up in his space. This episode kind of added the unnecessary romance to their dynamic, so then equating her and Cas somehow deeply deeply pleases me. I’d definitely say this is one of the first little odd Destiel things in the subtext, just because they had Tessa kiss Dean. May as well make the most of it. :P 

* * *

Tessa changes into a much less threatening outfit to talk to Cole: she was in jeans and a leather jacket to talk to Dean, but now she’s in a white summer dress to look sweet and innocent to talk to kids. (I think she was wearing the jacket when she first showed up but then she picked a visible form to talk to them and went with one that would fit in with their aesthetic because she was appearing to Dean.)

Cole immediately expresses betrayal about Sam promising him that he wouldn’t be given this talk/opportunity to be reaped but would be left alone. One more point for Sam not being honest, this time to someone else, for Dean’s scorecard he probably keeps. Argh. 

> COLE  
> Why won’t anybody tell me what’s on the other side?
> 
> TESSA  
> Maybe nobody wants to ruin the surprise.
> 
> COLE  
> That’s not an answer.
> 
> DEAN  
> She won’t answer you, Cole. Reapers never do. But trust me. Staying here is a whole lot worse than anything over there.

Aaargh Dean n Tessa tag-teaming the conversation with Cole. JUST LET ME SKIP TO 6x11 NOW. *sobs angrily about Dean and Tessa*

* * *

I’d watch a whole season with Tessa frustratedly trying to put up with Dean.

If there wasn’t a really unnecessary love thing there. I can accept moderate amounts like the kiss and Dean saying she was the hole inside him and other romantic things you tell the reaper who tried to talk you into the sweet oblivion of death. :P

* * *

> COLE  
> I’m not scared.
> 
> DEAN  
> We’re all scared. That’s the big secret. We’re all scared.

Baaah Dean’s fear this season though. :( 

* * *

Tessa sort of absorbs Cole into her when she’s moving him on. I think it’s a bit out of character for average humanity to show the mother instantly recovering from her grief as soon as she’s gone, but I guess it’s symbolic of removing an (unintentionally) toxic presence from her life. 

* * *

Do you trust a reaper who tells you to look after yourself? :P I mean, she sees him sooner again if he doesn’t look after himself.

I’m being silly. This is TRAGIC okay?

> TESSA  
> Look out for yourself, Dean.
> 
> DEAN  
> What do you mean?
> 
> TESSA  
> I’ve been around death from the get-go. You know what I see most? Lies. “He’s in a better place.” “At least they’re together now.” You all lie to yourselves, Dean, ‘cause like you said, deep down, you’re all scared. Stop lying to yourself, Dean.
> 
> DEAN  
> What?
> 
> TESSA  
> The angels have something good in store for you. A second chance. Really? 'Cause I’m pretty sure, deep down, you know something nasty’s coming down the road. Trust your instincts, Dean. There’s no such thing as miracles.

Tessa basically validates Dean’s fears that this is all terrible, but that’s not  _comforting_ , it’s just being extremely blatantly truthful. We need more Tessa for cutting through the bullshit :P Feel sort of like the moral of Inside Out: got to embrace the bad emotions too because they’re trying to tell us something. Dean’s built up a false comfort for himself over the season which is going to get TRAGICALLY torn down next episode, relating to this. Tessa is grateful he helped her with Cole, and so she tries to help soften the coming blow. 

* * *

Meanwhile Tessa, off-screen, reaps Pamela. Poor Pamela. :(

> DEAN  
> Take it easy, Pamela. If it’s any consolation, you’re going to a better place.
> 
> PAMELA  
> You’re lying.

Ahaha Tessa literally just told Dean not to do this. I suppose he just heard that it was comforting so gave it a go just in case. 

She beckons Sam over to WHISPER to him about his powers, warning him about good intentions etc, but doesn’t say it out loud. I suppose respecting his right to keep it a secret while also urging him to not do it. It gives Dean ANOTHER instance of things being obviously kept from him relating to Sam, where it’s now just happening in front of his face.

* * *

Aww Kim Manners dedication at the end. :(


	16. 4x16

Aaargh I have to watch this episode in like an hour and it’s the biggest episode of the season where EVERYTHING HAPPENS. :P *panic*

(I watched it in like 3 hours all after midnight, wasted a lot of time gratuitously screencapping Cas, but I think it’s mostly coherent points. :P)

* * *

Angels: bad for car insurance companies.

One of the best shots of Cas ever tbh with the camera tracking around him and showing off every angle of his face.

Nooo Cas and dead angels, the saga begins. :( Serious important character thing: Cas and being sad about dead angels.

Seen this moment described as his Mary or Jess, and the pose and look of her in the white dress, leg hooked under her, and blonde hair everywhere is absolutely intentional. Grats, random angel who dies entirely for man pain to start Cas’s proper arc off. You’ve been fridged \o/ *confetti rains down*

But yeah welcome to main-character-hood Cas. *raises a glass to him*

It’s such a simple little moment, but in the visual language of the show it’s HUGE.

* * *

Sam n Dean are grumpy about Pamela. Dean is tired of people being dead as per usual. Sam is angry and thinks they need revenge somehow as per usual. They announce these feelings loudly and in so many words, thankfully, saving me any analysis.

* * *

Dean walks into the motel loudly complaining about “home crappy home” which is sad and ironic because they do not have a home, and these places are what counts for home for them. Dissatisfaction with the job is spiking, thanks to Pamela’s death and Sam’s lying: see also him begrudgingly sitting there eating his burger to make a point going to start the next case last episode was something he was reluctant to do because of Sam’s lies.

(And Pamela’s death, because of her whispering to Sam in front of him and making it part of the secrets that Sam is keeping, is now tied into that.)

* * *

Cas is all blurry in the background to Uriel:

If you think about how Uriel started, off in the background looking out the window, with Cas doing the talking, then in 4x09 Cas was to the side and looking small and unwilling, now Uriel’s hogging the foreground. Broadcasting their shift in power before we get any confirmation on it.

* * *

Dean lays into Cas for burning out Pamela’s eyes again, because he still is firmly of the opinion that Cas is one of the dick angels, and Anna is so far the only exception. Even if both have already deeply affected him.

He’s lashing out at the angels in general, and disliking that they use them for their mysterious purposes. Uriel reminds him that they pulled him out of hell because they needed to use him, and makes it clear that his gratitude for that should be what makes him cooperate.

Cas tries sympathising… Uriel says he doesn’t care, interrupting Cas.

Dean glances over at Cas and realises that he’s being sidelined and Uriel is being a dick to him too. Tiny flicker of sympathy back his way. So so important because their bonding kicks off for real and it’s mutual sympathy about a bad situation.

Finally he walks forward to talk to Dean, possibly because Uriel is so confrontational to Dean that it’s impossible for him to deliver regular exposition and Cas is a mediator just for the sake of the plot. Like, Cas can’t be removed from the situation because the angels actually won’t get what they want at all without Cas’s perceived weakness in liking Dean, since he wouldn’t cooperate with any other angel (see also: “do the exact opposite” - I am still suspicious of that line).

This whole bit is terrible:

> DEAN  
> Yeah, well, he’s like a black belt in torture. I mean, you guys are out of your league.  
>   
> URIEL  
> That’s why we’ve come to his student. You happen to be the most qualified interrogator we’ve got.  
>   
> DEAN looks down.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Dean, you are our best hope.  
>   
> DEAN  
> No. No way. You can’t ask me to do this, Cas. Not this. 

Dean’s almost casual talking about Alastair, until Uriel drops the awful request and breaks him. Dean won’t do it. Cas tries asking nicely to carry on the good cop vibe he has (see, in 8x08 he should have called on this because Uriel atm is pretty much being “WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR HUSBAND?!” guy with how useful he is :P) … And then there are a lot of sad lingering looks at Dean and Cas’s faces, as he pleads emotionally to Cas, ignoring that Uriel made the request, as he’s now got that Cas is the sympathetic one here who might be reasoned with: Uriel’s upfront aggression makes Cas come across SO much better. :P

But then instead of an answer from Cas we get Uriel walking in front of him to the eyes of the camera:

Sympathy DENIED.

* * *

I love this shot. Ugh symmetry.

Is it symbolic they’re in an old meat processing plant?

* * *

Dean’s eyes are already super scary because of the lighting here. Gaaah. His fear and disgust through all this. :< 

Look at Uriel lurking between him and Cas: he’s small and indistinct but he’s there between them at the moment. 

Oh hey Uriel does the annoying teleport into Dean’s face thing. Dean’s considerably less bothered by it than Sam was, probably just because he’s so angry at the moment.

Cas acknowledges it’s an unreasonable request, and this makes Dean ask to talk to Cas alone: he has seriously recognised he can get nowhere with Uriel, but appealing to Cas privately might get him the sympathy break he needs to talk his way out of it (spoiler alert: he gets talked into it).

* * *

Hehe, “Uriel is the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone.” Who would he even ask, Cas? There’s  _no one_ , never mind “anyone”. I love Cas’s deadpan Edlund humour. Miss ya, Edlund, babe. *sigh*

As soon as Uriel is gone they’re cracking jokes at each other. <3

This is gratuitous but no one unfollowed me so far as I know for the pretty pictures of Anna spam, so here, have Cas’s watery deep pools of eyes when he’s staring at Dean from a foot away:

But Dean gets serious quickly: the previous conversations were obvious enough that someone else was pulling Cas’s strings now, and we get confirmation on that:

> CASTIEL  
> My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Your sympathies?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I’ve begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgement. 

*screams into my sleeve*

Of course we’ve seen that in his eyes throughout Cas’s appearances and he’s SAID he has doubts, so it feels like Dean’s been in on more than these superiors. I suppose Naomi is keeping a close eye but she hasn’t been actively inside Cas’s head as she was in season 8: it was probably this which made her realise if they were going to finally keep him in line (and he’s on the lam from 4x22 until 8x07 which is IMPRESSIVE :P) they had to be that up close. As is, I’d guess Cas has been making suspiciously sympathetic suggestions and requests, relating to Dean. I.e. always being the one to talk to him after a case. Right after telling Dean he always does the exact opposite of what Cas wants, we have Cas admitting he is too much in the business of doing what  _Dean_  would want, basically. 

And even after Cas has been reprimanded, he STILL took a different line to Uriel in the earlier stuff for it to be nOTICEABLE to Dean that he was being treated this way by Cas, so much so he asked for this alone time.

*continues sleeve screaming*

* * *

> DEAN  
> You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.

Yiiikes, 10x14 much, anyone? Think about Cas in this situation again, remembering how Dean got overwhelmed by Alastair, once again a demonic match to him: like for like in torture as Dean was to Cain in murder with the Mark and the blade.

Imagine how much more painful for Cas knowing how badly hurt Dean got here, and how he had to be saved, but Dean refusing to let anyone come in with him to confront Cain in case he hurt them… And the whole “you won’t like what I become” side of it. Aaaaargh. Because right now Dean doesn’t have the literal threat of becoming a demon weighing on him, just the whole metaphorical death of self for doing terrible things, and regressing to what he was in Hell, that Cas has literally just saved him from and then they’ve traded back and forth saving each other from Alastair since.

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> For what it’s worth, I would give anything not to have you do this. 

*sobs* *clutches tiny funko pop Cas close since he was sitting on my desk not aware that this was happening because he is a toy*

Ahaha man you are in trouble, Cas, that is a LOT of emotion to express and look at all the doubt, and questioning their orders to say that he doesn’t WANT Dean to do it. He’s got to make him because orders, but he HATES it.

I don’t know why I am happy he is miserable except that baby steps to epic character arc.

I do not think it was sufficiently communicated how much of a Cas girl I am before in this rewatch, though my blog continues to be 50% Cas art. :P

* * *

Ugh, not that Dean’s face is much better. He so sad and scary and walking around soaked in shadows.

Meanwhile Alastair is bathed in cold clinical grey light.

And singing that thing which legitimately makes my heart hurt. Ugh.

(Also fuck you Metatron for enjoying this part in the book and empathising with Alastair and using the song against Cas by taking your own lessons from the great tutor of torture in the show’s history.)

Ugh, Dean and Alastair with side profiles facing each other, each on the far edge of the screen. The whole dynamic. Just ugh.

(Also Alastair’s little bare toes wiggling on the floor: they’ve made him look so unthreatening with this detail, in the sense that it supposedly is a symbol of vulnerability to have bare feet (or: extremely twisted crucifixion imagery), but somehow it just makes him that much more sinister because he’s got no shoes, nothing, and Dean is being as terrifying as we EVER see him, and Alastair STILL HAS THE UPPER HAND.)

And then Alastair drops the fact that he knew John in Hell and for Dean it’s like,  _wow I knew this was a bad day but I had not anticipated that there actually was a level of worse underneath the one I was already in_.

And Alastair is juuust getting started.

* * *

The inexplicable series, Sam From Above With A Love Interest. Why. Why does this keep happening? No one else gets it. Is it a height thing? Do they need this angle to reasonably include tiny Gen and huge Jared in the same frame?

* * *

> RUBY  
> Look, I get it. You don’t want him going all torture master again.  
>   
> SAM  
> No. I mean, he can’t do it. He can’t get the job done. Something happened to him downstairs, Ruby. He’s not what he used to be. He’s not strong enough.

I find it interesting that Sam thinks that Dean might have been strong enough to pull off this torture once: he was pretty ruthless at times, especially in times of mental distress, in the early seasons. But yes he has been scared and damaged more than ever this season. The angels (well mostly Uriel I guess) seem to think he’s learned the skills and can compartmentalise this emotional trauma to do it. What DEAN thinks will happen is he’s forced to tap back into his Hell self and become a monster again but he’s talked into it as a “no other option” situation and is more worried about going dark from this than he is about not being able to do it… What Sam thinks will happen is what actually does (ah, Sam… Being right and doing the right thing don’t overlap perfectly. :P) and that Dean is the one who gets broken instead, because Alastair (as foreshadowed last episode by saying he was in Dean’s head) has the emotional upper hand. So Dean gets dragged through all this suffering but in the battle of being  _evil_  enough, loses. Sam is willing to make huge moral compromises for what he sees as the greater good or power to do what he hopes is the greater good (and now we finally find out about the demon blood) so though he and Alastair sized each other up a lot last episode they never went to blows properly, Sam reckons he’s equal to the challenge, emotionally, since it’s emotionally that he thinks Dean can’t do it. Brrr.

I worry about that kid. 

* * *

Dean stalls by faffing around with the stuff on the bench, and lets Alastair talk and talk about John. A mistake to trust that Alastair complimenting John’s strength of character would go anywhere good. :P Instead he’s just sizing Dean up against John and reckoning him as at the very most 30% the man, if less depending on how much longer John would have held out. 

> DEAN  
> You know something, Alastair? I could still dream. Even in hell. And over and over and over, you know what I dreamt? I dreamt of this moment.

Argh, Dean and dreams. “What were you dreaming about?” 

What a horrible, horrible theme of the season. :P

* * *

I’m not sure  _impressing_  Alastair with his torture ideas is a good thing, since that’s kind of just showing Alastair how effective his work was, and how terribly far Dean has broken already.

* * *

The thumbnails for my screenshots folder is just a line of black where this episode is so dark. :P

Cas, surrounded by chains and things that looks like cages, and hooks. Evocative of the little makeshift Hell the angels have created, and Cas tormented within it by what he’s made Dean do. :(

* * *

I did not realise it was possible for Dean’s eyes to get scarier and deader than they already were but we’re still not very far into the episode at all.

(Also, aaah, I am going to run out of time.)

Ruby’s eyes go black while she works magic. I love how she looks gazing into the fire.

> SAM  
> You think I wanna do this? This is the last thing I— But I need to be strong enough. 

The whole strong enough thing again. Sam’s got such a thing about power and strength - pretty sure he’s got another line about being stronger when he kills Alastair.

We cut from Sam drinking demon blood to Dean holding up the knife. Comparing Sam’s finally revealed horrific extra curricular activity to what Dean is doing: this episode basically strips away their humanity. And yet Dean takes such an emotional mauling this is somehow a  _sympathetic_  story of a guy torturing another dude for the best part of an episode… The emotional tuning of this episode is ridiculously intense and powerful. Ugh I can never get over how good this episode is and I don’t want to.

> ALASTAIR  
> Do you really think this is gonna fix you? Give you closure? That is sad. That’s really sad. Sad, sad. 

It is. :( Not that Dean does think this: he thinks that he’s going to be broken by this and come out some horrible creature as a result, but Alastair is taunting him about the lack of satisfaction this can bring him, emphasising that this is only going to break Dean instead. I think telling Dean what he already knows (even if he’s acting like he doesn’t) is way more effective.

> ALASTAIR  
> I carved you into a new animal, Dean. There is no going back. 

And then we get the way their side profiles were used earlier coming to its little cinematography story conclusion: pushing them into the same space:

As Dean says “it’s my turn to carve” and thinks at this minute he can flip their positions from Hell.

Ugh. 

*sinister loose screws*

* * *

You’re not meant to look directly into the camera.

I mean I know that’s what makes this shot so powerful but being the viewer at home fixed with Cas’s stare is kind of overwhelming. 

(Am crying about Edlund and Cas. Am always crying about Edlund and Cas, but… In this case, this episode is his main character introduction, and having his eyes rake over the audience is like a “hi hello I’m here now” thing - giving us  _this much_  insight into Cas through all the sad gazes and giving Misha tons to work with is amazing for just giving us this sign he’s arrived in the main narrative. 

Halfway through the episode and we’ve already had more Cas to work with than like all of season 4 so far put together.)

* * *

Hi Anna! <3

I think it’s funny Cas has to ask about her body - presumably for the exposition of explaining why Anna is still Julie, but gives us Cas noticing more than just the angel: he often seems to stare past their human face just to see the angel, but here he’s expressing an awareness of the outside layer… His curiosity about it is met with Anna explaining she had a weirdly human emotion - nostalgia for a, to an angel, rather trivial thing, and so she had it reconstructed. Just like how it’s revealing Anna’s still touched by her experiences with being human, but also sneakily showing us Cas is asking a kind of unangelic question by noticing and caring that Anna is in the same body. I mean maybe he’d ask just out of curiosity about  _how_ , since he saw it get obliterated, but, eh. :P

He’s really not looking at her through most of this, and says she shouldn’t be here because he has orders to kill her, almost like looking directly at her will trip a switch to make him obey those orders. 

…

Maybe I’m wrong about Naomi not being in his head at this point. :P

* * *

Ugh cut to more torture just to demonstrate it’s still happening and that Alastair is rather enjoying seeing Dean the cold professional torturer. If the vague “Blaaaaargh”s in the background weren’t enough. Must have been super fun to record all those for this episode. :P

* * *

> ANNA  
> Why are you letting Dean do this?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> He’s doing God’s work.  
>   
> ANNA  
> Torturing? That’s God’s work? Stop him, Cas, please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Who are we to question the will of God?  
>   
> ANNA  
> Unless this isn’t his will.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Then where do the orders come from?  
>   
> ANNA  
> I don’t know. One of our superiors, maybe, but not him. 

Once again, Cas seems to be toeing the company line in dialogue and his doubts are only obvious watching his face through all this, even if they were expressed personally to Dean before convincing him to go in (and he is talking to Anna looking away from her: for most of these shots we have her behind him, so she continues being the shoulder angel for morality to CAS now! An angel on an angel’s shoulder. :3 Anna is Cas’s designated free will guide. Might say it grumpily just to hand over the awesome potential of her storyline to him, but eh :P I like this episode and she has a good strong part in it so I don’t want to be sad about Anna fading out of the story yet.) 

Cas answers quickly and very obviously like it’s a set of stock answers to being questioned, like he won’t even stop to think about it, just roll out the correct words.

* * *

Between the more torture cut, Anna abruptly moves to be talking to Cas face to face for the passionate speech: 

> ANNA  
> The father you love. You think he wants this? You think he’d ask this of you? You think this is righteous?  
> What you’re feeling? It’s called doubt. 

  


*reaches through the screen for him as he turns away with this pained expression as she says “doubt”*

He knows it’s doubt: it’s almost like he’s been suffering some affliction, and has figured it out, even been told he’s showing the symptoms, but this is someone else diagnosing him - someone with experience who knows how it feels. But of course Anna is a criminal on the run for this very reason: she might be trying to help Cas/save Dean but Cas is at least programmed on some level to just see her trying to corrupt him with these thoughts…  _even if they agree about Dean_.

Argh.

Btw not overlooking that Anna and Cas are team Dean here, just Cas is a few steps behind and emotionally conflicted about being on the team, yet she is using their emotional connection to Dean to reach Cas. Like… uh, breaking through his programming by pointing out he likes Dean, and doesn’t want Dean to be hurt, and using that to try to break him out from thinking like one of Heaven’s good little soldiers. It’s friggin’ Crypt Scene lite, delivered through a proxy character who’s the 3rd point in their love triangle.

(And like hell I’m going to forget what Anna did with the handprint. I am not being flippant about the love triangle thing. :P I spend a lot of season 4 grumbling about his presence in the Dean x Anna hook up.)

Also also: Anna uses the word righteous, which is interesting, and I’d forgotten that. I’m normally pretty ambivalent about the whole “righteous man” thing, given it gets said once and it’s the worst context ever. Like, just scoop your heart out and throw it onto the road and hope it gets run over levels of painful Dean feels, so… But if there’s a link to Cas, I’m apparently all over it? Destiel stuff > Dean feels :P

(Cas feels > Destiel stuff > Dean feels)

* * *

(Cut to more Dean torture, where, impossibly, Dean’s eyes are even more dead than before even in the last time we cut to him for the sake of tension. Honestly, the scary thing is that they’re a  _different sort_  of dead from the dead look in Dean’s eyes over the MoC arc. Like, how many different variations on such a specific look of ‘Ha ha ha my soul is dying and I hate everything’ can one guy pull out? Mother effin’ Jensen acting.)

* * *

I do like how this conversation is punctuated with the torture, even if it is awful: it’s a large part of what lends them this sort of urgency and hammers home that it is about caring for Dean and  _saving him_  from this. I mean, think of it not as Crypt Scene lite, maybe, but have Dean with Alastair as the equivalent of Cas whaling on Dean, and this conversation Cas and Naomi in Cas’s head, but it’s Anna arguing to  _break_  through for the love of Dean.

Did anyone ever science it out to work out what hand Cas used to make the brand?

As much as I love Anna for herself, I am having so many feelings about her as the go-between in this Destiel thing. She puts her hand over Cas’s mark while she’s with Dean, and now she puts her hand on Cas’s to appeal to him to  _save_  Dean. Her touch is just all love and concern for Dean, and for Cas who she clearly was on good terms with before all this, hoping to bring him around for his own sake, as much as Dean’s. She just… cares… so… much.

But yeah also the overlapping hand touching symbolism. I am crying in my soul about this. :P

* * *

> ANNA  
> These orders are wrong and you know it. But you can do the right thing. You’re afraid, Cas. I was too. But together, we can still—  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Together?  
>   
> CASTIEL yanks his hand away.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> I am nothing like you. You fell. Go. 

It’s the word “together” that gets Cas. I almost wonder if he could have been inspired to do something for Dean altruistically  _without_  Anna turning it into a recruitment pitch, like one little act wouldn’t be a full rebellion, but turning it into “together” puts him on a team with Anna. That obviously oversteps the line and makes it very clear that she would be dragging him away to be a free spirit rogue angel. She mentions his fear, which is really important because of how much Dean’s arc this season his about his various fears - just last episode Tessa was the one telling Dean about how he was scared, and now Anna is telling Cas.

Anyway, it trips something inside Cas to make him realise that Anna is a dangerous criminal on the run and he’s listening to her and contemplating some extremely dangerous advice. His fear of being a fallen angel is  _huge_  and also devastating for him next season (especially, hi again Edlund :P, showing us something Cas doesn’t even really know about himself in The End, but definitely this fear is present from now on). Realising that listening to Anna and doing what they both understand as the right thing will drag him down to her level is a step too far: his programming to be a good soldier and stay in Heaven’s good books is too powerful right now.

Once again he turns her back to her for a moment, and then turns to yell at her to leave.

* * *

Cut to Sam driving! His eyes look black - just the iris - and I think that  _may_  be a digital effect like the demon eyes, or else lighting applied to make sure there was no reflection since his eyes are often reasonably pale.

Now the main conversation is Dean and Alastair again. I know I blab on and on about this episode being good, but just the back and forth with the scenes from the moment Dean is separated out in the open. It’s  _beautifully_  layered and blended.

But first, one of the probably more unappreciated excellent lines of the show:

> ALASTAIR  
> Something caught in my throat. I think it’s my throat. 

I have a pretty twisted sense of humour sometimes. :P

Jesus  _Christ_  how does Jensen even act something as subtle as the reaction to “That was the first seal”? That was the most micro of micro expressions as everything just  _slightly_  sunk without him seeming to move at all.

*quiet sobbing*

Pretty sure that was the emotional breaking point that Sam was worried about, and Dean feared would change him forever. >.>

*louder sobbing about the delivery of the prophecy of the seal*

Dean looks furious and scornful, but then turns away and his eyes are darting all over the place and his throat working. Oh god. I need to hug him. :(

* * *

I MEAN, while we’re talking about shoulder angel/demon symbolism:

> “When we win, when we bring on the apocalypse and burn this earth down, we’ll owe it all to you, Dean Winchester.” 

* * *

How the frig am I only 23 minutes into this episode?

* * *

Dean gets pushed to the point where he’s just going to kill Alastair in vengeance and screw the angels’ problems. (If they cared, they’d stop him doing it? Interesting to have them  _not_  challenged about that since he’s already beating Dean up when Cas comes in so he can just try to save him instead of prioritising.)

But of course, the worse “it’s behind you” jump scare in the entire universe follows.

* * *

Aargh, Dean’s boots kicking in the air. So sad I can’t even muster up my normal smile at Dean’s boots with the big heel on them to make him taller. 

Yay, Cas! Stabby stabby.

… twist it in the wound. Yesss. Great badass Cas moment.

… Why does Misha look so good covered in blood? It’s a problem.

He doesn’t look so great when he’s being squished and banished.

* * *

Hey Sam. Uh. Lookin’ scary.

*hides behind a cushion*

Cas agrees with me.

Sam is so powerful and confident. Like aaargh.

Have we seen  _any_  demon do the force-choke pain infliction thing except for Azazel on Dean yet? DUDE. SAM.

ME N CAS ARE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOU SAM.

* * *

Seriously season 4 Sam is maybe my favourite Sam for plot stuff but WOW does he scare me. :P

* * *

(Basically just assume Cas and I are pulling roughly the same face throughout when he’s on screen. :P)

* * *

I’m not recapping much Alastair dialogue because the words are all pretty plain text exposition, it’s  _all_  in the delivery that makes him so fucking creepy and memorable. Case in point, that line about Lilith not killing the angels is a  _brilliant_  line but if I look at it on the transcript it’s completely flat. :P

* * *

Sam’s little smile when he says “I’m stronger than that now”… MUCH scarier than the “now I can kill” smirk. That one is just intimidation. The  _former_  look… A little terrifying moment of  _delight_. 

Look at that cheerful puppy, so pleased about how he’s levelled up.

*Cas’s “oh no” expression goes through the roof*

* * *

TBH I talk about Dean being scared of Sam this season… Right now I think CAS is too. :P

* * *

Next episode is basically the dictionary definition of mood whiplash. I’m kinda glad I’m going away for a few days tomorrow because the switch from this to Sam Wesson makes me dizzy in fast marathons. 

* * *

HEY this is the Sam n Cas conversation that I love! Cas comes to the door of the hospital room and nods to Sam to draw him away to talk away from Dean. No idea what he was going to say because Sam is no longer scared of Cas at ALL and lays into him.

> SAM  
> You and Uriel put him in there—  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> No.  
>   
> SAM  
> —because you can’t keep a simple devil’s trap together. 

Cas desperately tries to assert himself, and maybe argue that he at least didn’t  _want_  this to happen (which kinda doesn’t count because, like Sam says, Cas DID put him in there, even if Cas not wanting it to happen is a MUCH more complicated issue than casual regret).

*Sam storms off towards a red exit sign*

*Cas is like D:*

Yeah Cas is scared of Sam. 

* * *

Oh hey Uriel. I guess you had fun sneakily watching while pretending to be away on business.

Can angels not see other angels when they’re being invisible?

Look at this loser:

I feel the overwhelming urge to get him a scarf and a mug of hot chocolate.

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> I think maybe our father isn’t giving the orders anymore. Maybe there is something wrong. 

I dunno if Uriel overheard the Anna conversation, but his lines about the revelation he received seem very false and I think intentionally so, given he’s trying to undermine Cas, while still implying that Heaven is powerful and infallible: changing the way Cas doubts by making himself sound like he’s on the level so Cas is doubting Heaven etc in opposition to Uriel’s apparent faith, just because it sounds so hopeless he has to wonder. (But trust Uriel and doubt higher up the chain.)

It works, and for the first time Cas actually expresses doubts to another angel.

Which you know if Uriel was just trying to trap him to make him obviously eligible for Heaven reprogramming, would also have been a pretty smart move, because now he’s openly questioned it.

Oh, they were meeting in front of a playground.

* * *

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, the symbolism of Cas standing under the big round light and then looking up so he has a halo, which then flickers when Anna appears. Like. She shows up and makes his halo (faith, whatever) wobble. Subtle. :3

* * *

Gosh, I love Cas and snow.

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> I’m considering disobedience.  
>   
> ANNA  
> Good.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> No, it isn’t. For the first time, I feel… 

Aaargh this always gets me. ALWAYS. Cas trails off and the way he does you’d expect him to fill in an emotion and explain what it is he’s feeling, but it’s literally just that he feels anything at all. 

Anna puts a hand on his shoulder as she’s trying to draw him out. Like that’s not symbolic at all. She’s touched Dean like Cas did, Cas like Cas touched Dean, Cas like I don’t even know, did she touch Dean’s hands? I forgot to pay attention to that… 

Anyway Cas’s normal “bleh don’t touch me” attitude comes in to play and she recoils. He tries to apologise because he needs guidance and orders, and the orders he’s getting, as evidenced with Uriel just then, are clearly faulty. But she’s like, nah. The first step to thinking to yourself is not someone else telling you what to think. 

* * *

*Cas thinks for himself* 

Smart Cas. :3 Going to examine the trap he made, putting together the pieces of how it got broken and discovering that his own good intentions and really solid contribution he made can be totally unravelled by the silly small things when someone is working against him.

Or, in deadpan Cas style, 

> CASTIEL  
> Strange. Strange how a leaky pipe can undo the work of angels when we ourselves are supposed to be the agents of fate. 

I love this angel. <3

* * *

*sobbing about the delivery of “the only thing that can kill an angel… is another angel.”* 

I know it totally undermines the reveal at the end of the season, but imagine a world where Uriel survived and was the Zachariah character’s role for the rest of the apocalypse. :P

I guess Uriel was sort of more of a fanatic and Zach a corrupt slimy businessman, and those roles weren’t just character stereotypes but super important to their role in the story. Uriel was initially the lowest ranking angel in the Uriel < Cas < Anna hierarchy, and he’s been elevated by the situation, and further by his affiliation with Lucifer, AND his whole demeanour on all of it is very much the zealot attitude where he just transfers his feelings for Heaven to Lucifer. Meanwhile Zach is much higher level. I’d probably say he and Naomi were equals - lackeys to the archangels but not much lower than that.

I kinda feel Michael wouldn’t want to get  _starting_  the apocalypse on his hands even if Zach can be linked directly to him in the power structure, and so he oversees it all for him… 

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> And you broke the devil’s trap, set Alastair on Dean. 

Don’t hurt Dean in front of Cas. :P

* * *

Cas looks so AFFRONTED by Uriel slagging off humanity. Like, that’s what makes him turn and incredulously ask if Uriel is trying to convert him. I think humanity is also the bae as a collective and Dean just like the flagship example bae. :P

> URIEL  
> You do remember him? How strong he was? How beautiful? And he didn’t bow to humanity. He was punished for defending us. Now, if you want to believe in something, Cas, believe in him.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Lucifer is not God.  
>   
> URIEL  
> God isn’t God anymore. He doesn’t care what we do. I am proof of that. 

I kinda feel if Lucifer had any reach and this wasn’t just a religious conversion based on seeing where the tide was turning thanks to higher ups blatantly favouring the apocalypse, Uriel was pretty much just killing angels for the “lol dead angels” factor, to lessen the opposition. But I do kind of think it’s the first option. 

Maybe even higher ups who gives the orders letting the sense of impending apocalypse grow and foster a sense of wanting to defect to Lucifer among the angels: they just needed to infect one (Uriel) with this idea, and it would help all those seals get broken.

At this point you could float the alternate theory that Cas got demoted for actually caring to do the job as it was honourably advertised, and Uriel, as a known bad apple, was promoted up and up to try and ruin Cas’s chances of averting the apocalypse by being good at his job. :P

* * *

> URIEL  
> All you have to do is be unafraid.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> For the first time in a long time, I am.  

*screeches some more*

* * *

Cas gets so beaten up it’s ridiculous. I’ve always loved this fight for its blatant polystyrene props because when angels fight, huge slabs of concrete or brick walls become nothing more than chunks of polystyrene. They’re so strong and invulnerable it doesn’t matter: you need to drop half a roof on them just to stun them for a moment. :P

* * *

Anyway Anna saves the day in pretty much the most badass thing anyone does in the entire show. God I love Anna.

> CASTIEL  
> You can’t win, Uriel. I still serve God.  
>   
> URIEL  
> You haven’t even met the man. There is no will. No wrath. No God.  
>   
> ANNA  
> Maybe. Or maybe not. But there’s still me. 

Daaamn.

That stab mirrors the one from the dead angel at the start.

I don’t think any other angel explodes quite so hugely as this except Balthazar? Maybe getting stabbed from behind has that effect.

Ouch, too soon.

Anyway, first dead angel Cas witnesses first hand, and he watches in kind of amazement, with Anna beside him. Her coat is very much a black version of Cas’s season 9 onwards coat.

* * *

Ooh shh shh Dean n Cas are talking.

* * *

“That’s not why I’m here” Yeah, why ARE you here, Cas? You have no orders. Better be careful or people will think you’re just chilling with Dean because you care about him and wanted to be there when he woke up.

Because you like watching over him or some corny crap like that.

> CASTIEL  
> Uriel is dead. 
> 
> DEAN  
> Was it the demons?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> It was disobedience. 

Friggin’ Edlund, no I can’t pick a favourite Cas line from the episode. HOw about all of them?

* * *

Cas is finally able to be honest about the tiny extra things he knew. Like Dean starting the apocalypse.

*quietly dies about Cas looking up to Heaven as he says that*

> CASTIEL  
> It’s not blame that falls on you, Dean, it’s fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don’t you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean!  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> I don’t know.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Bull.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> I don’t. Dean, they don’t tell me much. I know our fate rests with you. 

The funny thing is, for all the Dean vs fate stuff, if this is the actual other half of the prophecy, then the stuff about vessels has literally nothing to do with it. Dean may have been locked up in the beautiful room because he could have prevented it just by stopping Lucifer rising. And in Swan Song his interruption is what triggers the defeat, again, without ever letting Michael in or going along with Heaven’s  _interpretation_  of their roles based off the prophecy and family history and so on. It’s still well within the description of this what Dean does. :P

I’m sure everyone’s already thought that before, but I really like it, and interpreting the whole righteous man thing that loosely is about the only way I really like it, because otherwise it’s just all the destiny crap they’re fed: as useless as the whole “boy king” title turned out for Sam as it was just something to apply to him along the way to get him to play his part.

…

It’s probably  _more_  accurate that Dean saves the world the way he did as “our fate rests with you” compared to if he’d said yes and it had been a showdown at the end where he was only a vessel.

* * *

*Dean’s voice breaks along with my heart*

> DEAN  
> Well, then you guys are screwed. I can’t do it, Cas. It’s too big. Alastair was right. I’m not all here. I’m not—I’m not strong enough. Well, I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It’s not me. 

Point 1: SAM also said that Dean wasn’t strong enough. So there’s an uncomfortable parallel.

Point 2: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh would you quit with the John and God parallels? (*whispers* don’t stop. :P I don’t think the “John Winchester was a terrible dad” discussion, when relying on picking at tiny canon evidence like micro-expressions and rare comments and outbursts, pays nearly enough attention to this whole 2 season long arc with this parallel to Universe’s No.1 Dad. It just gets worse in season 5 :P)

Point 3: My heart may be broken but it is  _hilarious_  to lean into the mood whiplash of next episode and allow yourself to think that Dean Smith is pure AU and that this is the “someone else”. Like imagine he was a legit other human, and since Dean W. wouldn’t cooperate and nopes out at this point, Zach just went to find a compatible other guy from one of the alternate universes, who would be a lot more compliant and also took better care of his flesh vessel anyway. 

Imagine him being dragged into this universe and that was our introduction episode to the new character, and then we get a wacky apocalypse with Dean W trying to look after Dean S and stop him doing ridiculous things or getting killed on hunts by his amateurish enthusiasm for his new job, all while dealing with the apocalypse. :P

* * *

Anyway, that was depressing. I don’t think Cas has anything to say about Dean’s complaints: he’s exactly as helpless as Dean is, and so they’re now stuck in this together.

Beautiful. :’)


	17. 4x17

Guess it’s time to get back to work.

* * *

Heh, I remember joking at the end of 4x16 that “find someone else” then going on to this episode with Dean Smith makes it look like this poor bastard is just going to get yanked out of his cushy job and flung into another universe and charged with stopping the apocalypse, but the recap is basically just Dean’s heartbreaking speech from the end of OTHOAP finishing with that line, which then cuts directly to Dean Smith making his morning coffee. 

I’d pay good money for that AU.

* * *

This is one of my favourite uses of music in the show. 

* * *

I like that Smith’s clock looks kind of like it’s from a car dash except it’s just telling the time and weather instead. It’s the tiny perversions on Dean’s real character, not the total inversions, which sell this.

There’s just a random shot of his eyes in this middle of this montage which is kinda haunting. I mean the last time we saw Dean he was  _completely_  broken, which is the whole point of this episode from Zach’s POV, but it’s the “lol, Dean’s eating a salad” moment and then the camera cuts to his eyes and he’s not enjoying himself. There is no sparkle there, no matter how much Smith smiles.

… Sam still hasn’t started eating salads on screen, which is kind of interesting given their use in this characterisation montage.

I always felt Smith was less an ideal happy version of Dean as he is often described in fandom and more just cobbling together the bits that still work and, I dunno, rebooting him and running him on a sort of emergency safe mode. Take out all the parts which don’t work right now while the core parts (namely, from Zach’s POV again, his motivation) recover. Zach doesn’t need them to be functional enough to avert the apocalypse, just not to give up before it even starts and they can use Dean for his meatsuit… At that point the more broken and willing to say yes the better. It’s literally an empty reassurance to keep them working:

> ADLER  
> Good stuff.
> 
> DEAN  
> Good stuff?
> 
> ADLER  
> Big things. Good stuff.
> 
> DEAN  
> Good stuff.

Which makes it that much more interesting to me that we end this montage with Smith meeting Wesson, because the dramatic twist before the end of the cold open that cuts to the title card is that Dean and Sam don’t  _know_  each other. Like, dun dun DUN, undermine the core relationship of the show. Sam (or, Dean’s relationship to him) is clearly therefore one of the other broken parts of Dean that is taken down for maintenance over the episode.

They’re given the opportunity to grow back as friends and come to understand their working relationship, but if there was actually going to be a focus on FIXING them rather than duct taping them back together, the focus would have to be completely different, and probably start them off as brothers or at least friends, just without the angst, so they could reconnect on a personal level, not a working level, which is what 2 blokes in the same office block can amount to in this space of time. Which is, if I remember this episode as well as I think I do, a lot of confused faces about how they know each other.

Recapping from where actual canon was for my own thoughts since it’s been a week, Sam’s lost a ton of faith in Dean (his emphasis on Dean not being strong enough, where Dean has had to be his strong big brother all his life, that Sam’s said before he looked up to, which would include for his strength) and Dean’s lost all trust in Sam and still doesn’t know all the secrets that he’s keeping (and he was unconscious for basically ALL Sam vs Alastair interactions over the last couple of episodes so he didn’t even see Sam kill Alastair). 

Even with the emphasis on them reconnecting over the episode that patches them together until the big cataclysmic fight at the end of the season, it’s too little too late if Zach actually WANTED them to recover. Which he doesn’t, as this conflict fuels everything. They don’t address any of these issues and they’re so busy being baffled about what’s going on with them that they can’t have secrets. Unless Wesson knows Sam’s dark secrets from his dreams, which seem fairly fragmented and don’t even give him a grounding in hunting ghosts, he may not really remember enough of Sam’s life to hide it from Smith - who he’d have no motivation to conceal stuff from unless it was instinctive not to tell him. But he over-shares so much with the monsters and ghosts thing it makes me wonder if Wesson would have accidentally blurted Sam’s secrets if he’d known them… 

* * *

Aah, the repetitive cubicles. The daily grind as metaphored by a pencil being sharpened down. :P I love the repetitive use of this series of clips every time we cut to the office.

Ohh yeah, Wesson has a bobble head Dracula on his desk. Wesson is a sort of throwaway character to Zach but he gets a good chunk of the screen time and narrative of this episode, being the POV character for an unusual amount (probably because Sam by necessity has less POV this season because he’s keeping secrets for the whole thing and we’ve literally only just found out everything he’s doing 16 episodes in - the ghost works through Wesson’s department, and so Smith is only glimpsed around the edges for ages after the opening establishes him). 

I usually assume Wesson’s personality was quite carefully calculated. If he’s dropped down here with the bobble head and job dissatisfaction from the get-go as traits that were handed to him, of course this intrusion of their real life leads directly to him pushing Smith on the subject when ghosts start happening. 

Dean being the focus of Zach’s plan (who would not care about Sam beyond what he can be used for to benefit Dean, since the plans for him are all in the hands of Hell, while Dean’s use is all Heaven cares for) Wesson basically exists to serve his story from THAT perspective, and so he’s given this crack through which their old lives flow that Smith is denied, as he has to find it all out for himself. SOMEONE needs to prod him in the right direction though, and so Wesson is a starting point for that.

While ALSO being his own character.

Interesting things about them: Smith doesn’t really have friends so far as we see: there’s his hot co-worker and he said hi to a couple of people on his way into the office, and “Mr Adler” dropped by to talk to him just to establish Zach as a character. But the hot co-worker doesn’t actually play a role in the story, while Wesson is given this little group of office workers he has made emotional bonds with. Normally Dean is the one who makes bonds with people pretty easily, and Sam tends to be pretty bad at this part. It’s actually sort of unsettling seeing him chilling with other humans, while expecting Dean to at least act like a social butterfly in any situation doesn’t seem so weird, making Smith’s management level social isolation seem that much more strange. I mean, sure, he has his co-worker friend, but the fact he  _doesn’t_  seem to rely on the guy for emotional support when things get weird despite all their chats about Project Runway kinda makes me feel even more that they were just flirting. :P Like no way is Smith going to go tell him that he thinks ghosts are real when the creepy guy from IT seems to know a thing or two.

* * *

> IAN  
> Classic! How much D&D did you play when you were a kid? Oh, my—okay, so you—rescuing the Grim Reaper. That's—you’re a hero. I mean, thank God we got Harry Potter here to save us all from the apocalypse.
> 
> SAM  
> Dick.
> 
> IAN  
> Wizard.

Heh. It’s almost a screwy “Bitch.” “Jerk.” to show these characters are close. Ian’s kind of fun in that loser stoner do-no-work way. He’s got surface level Dean traits from one very superficial angle, but the one that might actually show up if Dean was plonked in an office setting as himself, at this level of the office food chain if he was also bored and unchallenged by it. Wesson’s not exactly straight edge either despite how he obviously is shown doing more work (or attempting to do it), since he and the slacker have latched onto each other, and seem to have a club to go chill in the break room with the first ghost victim, but Ian is definitely more of a slacker than Wesson with him not wearing uniform (wearing plaid instead!) and inspiring him to take a break. 

* * *

Points for yellow being a strong presence and indicative of false realities. They really aren’t subtle with this one. :P This is one of the main reasons when people talk about the colour coding in the show I’m just like yep yep that’s probably a thing.

* * *

Wesson’s workplace is so depressing. :P 

* * *

Okay so he said he just had dreams to Ian, but then he gets super intense day time flashes. This is paralleling Sam’s actual visions arc from season 1, and I don’t think that’s at all unintentional. I suppose MAYBE from Zach, but definitely from the writers. :P Literal reboot of their lives.

Of course Wesson has zero framework to cope with this. No wonder he overshares to Smith because recognising him from the visions turns him into a lifeline to understanding himself.

* * *

… I just noticed the transcript is calling this scene’s location “the cubicle farm”

* * *

> SAM  
> Can I ask you a question?
> 
> DEAN  
> Look, man, I told you, I’m not into the, uh—
> 
> SAM  
> Oh dude, come on, I’m not either. I just wanna ask you one question.

Goddd this is awkward. :P *averts eyes in horror*

I will say that this moment is one of those rare moments  _Sam_  has to say anything on the subject, and his “Oh dude, come on” is such a different tone of voice to Dean’s. (whoops I’m dropping character for this but this is way beyond their fictional construct lives so I’m not keeping this to an analysis of their one off characters :P) What I’m thinking is that somehow within 2 conversations Wesson sounds completely exhausted of Smith’s insecurity about this  _already_  which seems to fit well with the normal bro dynamic except obviously with Sam being fed up of Dean being pointlessly prickly about this to other people. 

We’re only 3 episodes down the line from the Siren, which in the aftermath of it I was paralleling Sam not wanting to talk about the fact it exposed he was telling lies, to Dean just not wanting to talk about it full stop. (I honestly felt like  _Bobby_  cottoned on faster than Sam off the one episode, probably because like with many Dean things Sam is stuck with him for endless hours and with all their other fucked up dynamics and secrets and Dean constantly concealing everything he can about himself that betrays the outer shell, I’m honestly not sure Sam would credit himself with just guessing outright or even be sparing creative thoughts to it, tbh, with all his own problems (Dean’s last visible-from-space gay panic before that in Playthings, Sam was completely fucked up about John’s last words, and obviously season 4 he’s not… in a great place :P)… He’s probably had a feeling about it for ages but wouldn’t dare actually put the thoughts together in case Dean somehow hears him  _thinking_  it. If you want my Sam headcanon for this stage of canon… Ask again after, say, 6x20 :P) Anyway, especially Playthings and Bedtime Stories he expressed  _so much_  of this weariness with Dean projecting onto him. Now with this one off dynamic, Smith thinks Wesson might be ineptly hitting on him and freaks out (so his thoughts went there first) and then he attempts to fend off another advance and gets a very Sam reply except for, you know, the disturbing fact it’s  _between_  them. 

Anyway it gives us a direct parallel to the way Dean is in these situations (panicky, brain coming up with gay thoughts by the truckload (see also: Bedtime Stories and the frog moment), desperately trying to fend off any possible advances) and Sam not even considering it,  _still_  not realising it’s an issue when trapped in the same awkward situation as before, but distracted by plot to ask important questions.

(Meanwhile: Smith spending the day with the hot co-worker. Probably telling self he’s just being a good boss by stopping to chat to him every 10 minutes because you’re supposed to connect to your employees. Totally not noticing the office all assumes there’s going to be drunken make outs at the Christmas party… Oh man, Smith is SO insecure just as much as Dean is (all the weight loss and crap). I know a couple of the popular meta posts I’ve seen on this episode talk about him seeming to be much more comfortable with himself, but we’ve seen Dean bond with dudes before this way, and I don’t think Zach would have set up anything that would just wig Dean out further because the simpler the emotional outcome here, the better. Maybe the co-worker is a  _distraction_  to keep him complacent as they settle into the new job, or maybe Dean just started flirting anyway :P)

(yes the co-worker guy literally appears in 2 scenes where he has 0 plot relevance or meaningful dialogue but I’m kind of hung up on him can you tell? :P)

* * *

Anyway possibly something is going on with actual plot here? 

I think “I’ve never given it much thought” is kind of telling. Everyone must have  _thought_  about ghosts because at least knowing about ghosts is a pretty universal thing, somehow, and you’ve got to at least give the idea some consideration to figure out how they factor into your world view… They’ve been given template personalities but monsters and ghosts are so fundamental to their normal life that they don’t have an easy template response to them now like civilians would have. There’s nothing like the whole cruel teasing with Madison or fake ideal family created for Dean to give them realistic surface-level thoughts about ghosts. Wesson is already full of weird ideas from his dreams/visions and Smith has literally nothing to draw on to answer this question.

I dunno. They’re empty people.

Which I also always see as sort of a metaphor for doing unfulfilling jobs as per the lesson they’re taught to make them want to go back to hunting… Sort of, beyond the lesson for them, a moral of the story for everyone else? Do the job you love because if you do one that’s not your thing you’ll be coasting along on surface level crap never connecting meaningfully with your true self? I dunno. :P 

* * *

> DEAN  
> What? Why?
> 
> SAM  
> Because I’ve been having some weird dreams lately. You know what I mean?
> 
> DEAN  
> No. Not really.
> 
> SAM  
> So you’ve never had any…weird dreams?

You don’t even know each other’s NAMES and you’re hinting at your dramatic secret visions.

* * *

*cut to the 3rd repeat of the office stuff happening* Oh god I am already exhausted by this. :P

* * *

For the on-going Sam vs art collection:

* * *

Isn’t going home and googling vampires like the first thing Bella Swan does in Twilight when she finds out about them? Sam Wesson: following in exalted footsteps.

* * *

Oops, Unfortunate Ian wanders off towards a red exit sign that’s also hovering over Sam’s head when he is summoned to HR. Guess he’s doomed.

* * *

Of course there’s a couple of days delay on that: first of all their fellow slacker buddy has a terrible use for the office microwave.

* * *

I love the shot of Smith and his co-workers who sneaked down from the marketing department to see what was up:

All blue or yellow. And Smith a mix of blue and yellow.

He and Wesson share a lot of really weird looks - there’s nothing to prove it’s ghosts yet, but I guess that was significant eye contact to show Wesson gurning at him trying to convey that he feels that something super weird is going on and, since Smith is randomly showing up in his dreams, clearly this is IMPORTANT for the both of them. 

*Smith looks even more concerned at the attention*

Here, have a ridiculous line from the guy Smith likes talking about Project Runway to:

> DEAN  
> Something about this seem not right to you?
> 
> SUIT  
> Uh, yeah, try the whole thing. I’m telling you, man, I’ll never eat popcorn again.

I can kinda see WHY he doesn’t open up to him any further than this. :P They really don’t have a meaningful connection despite their shared love of fun TV. :P

* * *

Ooh, we’re back to Smith doing stuff - looking up the dead guy and doing research! Yeah, you go you. :3

I know I was saying this episode is sort of necessary Sam stuff just because he’s right in the middle of a dark arc, so while Dean needs reminding who he is according to Zach, the  _audience_  needs a reminder of who Sam normally is.

Still kinda miss Dean with him having such a small role in the opening of this. He’s not actually meaningfully done anything yet despite his occasional presence, since aside from a 2 second moment to show he and Wesson are doing that thing the brothers do (like in Usual Suspects for example) where they work out the exact same thing at the exact same time independent of each other, the POV is very strictly Wesson, as he goes on a little journey of discovery, being the more predisposed to believe in ghosts and ask random guys in the lift if they believe in ghosts. :P

* * *

Okay, but Sam Wesson being adorably light-hearted towards Ian when he notices he’s changed his behaviour after his mysterious trip to HR. He’s out of focus behind Ian the whole time but he  _tweaks his sleeve_. 

Last episode was me  _sobbing_  about how terrifying Sam had become and now he’s like tugging on the guy’s sleeve and being, like, season 1 Sam levels of doofy.

* * *

Aw no, Dean Smith trying to crisis manage Ian. :( Sam was just poking him and being fun, and Dean was all ready to have him sit down in his office and talk it out if it was a normal human problem.

Instead Ian has an ironic punishment for stealing office stationery. (I suppose the other guy had an ironic punishment for wasting time and making popcorn.)

* * *

Dean is  _unreally_  pretty all through this episode. It’s very distracting.

* * *

Of course Smith keeps fresh shirts at his office. Probably not in case of getting one all covered in blood because of ghost-related drama, but…

> DEAN  
> Who the hell are you?
> 
> SAM  
> I’m not sure I know.
> 
> DEAN  
> What the hell does that mean?
> 
> SAM  
> Sam Wesson. I started here three weeks ago.

Ah, I forgot just how long they’d been here. Now I’m just wondering how this building is probably extremely angel-proofed to stop Cas finding them? This is probably randomly one of the best places to go in a crisis. :P

They must have been noticed to be missing by Bobby as well. Yikes. *randomly stressed for his off-screen part in this*

So yeah, here’s the first  _real_  empty people moment. Sam’s fake memories just aren’t up to scratch for how he feels, and probably how he has been  _made_  to feel to guide Dean onto the case with his innocent curiosity about the ghost.

Which means he’s suffering a confused identity crisis, living minute to minute but not thinking hard about the details constructed around the edges of his life, and finding the fake story unsatisfactory thanks to the things leaking in.

Dean is very good at living surface level personas and getting lost in a character anyway, so even though he doesn’t have the visions of their real lives leaking in, he’s probably better adapted to the situation anyway, just from my observation of how he acts all the time. He’s good at not being himself.

* * *

This is basically the struggle for the whole conversation: he aaalmost admits to seeing a ghost, then dives behind drinking his master cleanse thing, and then a moment later he’s saying “he pencilled his damn neck” and sounding exactly like his old self, if slightly more freaked out than normal.

Going on the theme of how this season is all about Dean’s fear, just like Yellow Fever he’s been put in a place where the regular happenings of their job freak him the fuck out, and unlike his meltdown speech in that one, here he’s got a total outsider’s view on what they do and the world they live in.

I think it’s interesting they explore a couple of times through the season how the job might scare Dean: obviously there’s all the big drama going on, and the fact he’s scared of/for Sam, scared of the angels, scared of the demons, scared of Hell and what Heaven wants with him and so on and so on… But yeah, one of the things that interested me all through the first couple of seasons was their motivation to actually do this job in the first place (which I talked about exhaustively, sorry :P) and at this point they’re pretty much trapped doing it (which is, again, the point of this episode: if Dean wanted to quit at the end of 4x16, Zach’s picking him up and putting him back on his feet whether he likes it or not). Exploring Dean’s relationship to the actual job, the old “saving people, hunting things” part of it which has been right at the wayside for a couple of years now, it’s interesting that what we get of that exploration this season, the 2 times they really look at it, is Dean’s  _fear_  of the job. Though Dean Smith pretty instinctively goes back to hunting with the fighting of ghosts, he’s allowed to show that he’s freaked out by the concept for now.

I don’t know, obviously the main plot stuff is so much more important nothing that happens at the end of the season is about Dean as a hunter - in fact the angel stuff is, like this episode foreshadows, about overwriting his interesting personality to use him as a tool. I’ll keep an eye out and see if anything happens in the subtext to resolve this quiet little character exploration that I don’t remember from the big events. >.>

* * *

Bahaha “not natural” (Oh man, we are NOT FAR AWAY from the reveal about the books.)

* * *

> SAM  
> Seriously? You know those dreams I was telling you about? I was dreaming about ghosts.
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah.
> 
> SAM  
> And then it turns out that there’s a real ghost.
> 
> DEAN  
> So you’re telling me that your dreams are special visions and you’re some kind of psychic?
> 
> SAM  
> No. I mean, that would be nuts.

Ahaha this is a total painful inversion of their arcs. Wesson just blabs what Sam kept secret for half of season 1, and dismisses its plot relevance (not that it had any here). Everything is backwards, including their reactions. 

* * *

There is no way all those TV monitors are plugged in in the room with the ghost. I suppose the ghosts generates electricity?

Oh, his mind-altering attack actually is electricity between his fingers. Okay, I guess he’s allowed to have enough juice to make all the monitors go on, no questions asked. :P

…

Okay but harnessing the power of ghosts to run a powerplant.

* * *

There would be a  _lot_  of worker fatalities.

* * *

Which I suppose just makes more ghosts haunting the space = more power.

Solid business model.

* * *

> SAM  
> No. I—I just can’t shake this feeling like I—like I don’t belong here. You know? Like I should do something more than sit in a cubicle.
> 
> DEAN  
> I think most people who work in a cubicle feel that same way.
> 
> SAM  
> No. Well, look, it’s more than that. Like, I don’t like my job. I don’t like this town. I don’t like my clothes. I don’t like my own last name. I don’t know how else to explain it, except that…it feels like I should be doing something else. There’s just something in my blood. Like I was destined for something different. What about you? You ever feel that way?
> 
> DEAN  
> I don’t believe in destiny. I do believe in dealing with what’s right in front of us, though.

*giggling at the line about cubicles*

Either Smith isn’t copping to having an existential crisis yet, or Zach really has built better walls in his head to keep him contained as this alter ego for the sake of this exercise. 

Once again, Sam is feeling driven by a destiny, and Dean’s like pfft no, which sums up their roles nicely and shows that  _some_  things never change. 

It’s especially tragic Wesson talking about stuff in his blood, because of what’s going on with him in the real story arc.

* * *

> DEAN  
> We do what I do best, Sammy. Research.
> 
> SAM  
> Okay. Did you just call me Sammy?
> 
> DEAN  
> Did I?
> 
> SAM  
> I think you did. Yeah. Don’t.

Heh, more role reversal? Dean pulls his weight with the research over the show, but Sam has the nerdy stereotype that he does more, and he does seem to ENJOY it more and remember stuff from his wider reading more often. 

This is also the first time Smith really seems to slip up aside from the odd phrasing here and there, and actively channel Dean. Wesson, despite being much closer to Sam in the whole remembering himself thing, reacts with confusion and dislike of the name: Smith channels Dean basically at the expense of his relationship with Sam/Wesson. Either freaking out his new friend, or having a line drawn between acting friendly to Wesson like he is Sam, on instinct, and having an “ew no” thrown in his face. Which, as it was an accidental moment representative of his normal self, stretches on into his relationship with actual Sam.

(Like I said somewhere near the start, Sam’s problem with Dean this season is rejecting his offered strength as the older brother by continually seeing him as weaker and maybe afraid, so here’s Sam carrying on rejecting one of the important things in Dean’s relationship to him: the affectionate older brother cute nickname, which, yes, Sam hates all the time from anyone, but allows Dean and only Dean to call him it.)

* * *

Yesss Ghostfacers.

They have some really solid advice - I guess they actually listened to Sam and Dean’s methods after their last appearance. So they’re teaching  _themselves_  how to hunt ghosts through the Ghostfacers. I feel like this is one of those other things they will  _never talk about ever_. 

Still amused by the Winchester name drop, the fact that Winchester Gospels fandom knows who the Ghostfacers are, and the total mess of what would be canon to that poor poor fictional fandom.

I’ve, since watching the last Ghostfacers episode, read stuff about how the further adventures they have include a ton of mentions of Corbett and the events of the episode, which means that the videos back up the events of the books, which means that, I guess, if they assume it’s not real they think the book fandom is intense for these guys to film the further adventures in character, and the Ghostfacers probably get a ton of confusing invites to Supernatural conventions as special guest stars in the way that famous transformative fandom projects sometimes get elevated.

Basically I am just super amused at the thought of Ed and Harry finding out that there’s this fandom and they’re a part of it and  _what_  they must think, especially when it’s so pro-Winchester but only thinking they’re fictional characters.

But, like,  _the events of Ghostfacers is there in the books_.

* * *

I think they’re doing okay for themselves. They seem to be selling branded salt and lighters. Or they just brand all their salt and lighters they use.

* * *

Anyway we get that shot of Smith & Wesson in the elevator going to go hunt some ghosts to parallel their two super weird elevator conversations at the start where they were standing at exact opposite ends of it avoiding each other awkwardly. So yay some progress forwards. :P

* * *

Oh no, poor security guard guy.

* * *

Grats, now you are trapped in a skyscraper with an angry ghost.

* * *

How  _did_  Wesson get out of the elevator?

* * *

Smith’s “Woah that’s a lot of blood” is another moment of panic, along with this:

> SAM  
> So you ready?
> 
> DEAN  
> I have no idea.
> 
> SAM  
> Me neither.

mostly just uncertainty but the fear about what they’re about to do is there. I kinda think Wesson is handling it all a lot better and more calmly, as Sam would: the fact that Dean stripped down like this is just exposing way more nerves in comparison as the going gets tough is interesting.

* * *

Anyway then they’re all badass and a cool fighting team.

Smith gets kinda knocked out a bit and it’s down to Wesson to actually burn the thing and save him: interesting given that the focus on this whole thing existing is on Dean from Zach’s POV. Smith gets kind of excited about it, but he doesn’t have the hero moment: the narrative has been favouring Sam through the episode and giving Wesson a pretty good coming to grips with himself and working out what’s missing from his life etc arc. HE has positively gained from it emotionally way more than Smith because he was the one given a ton of questions at the beginning, while, aside from Wesson freaking him out a bit to start with, Smith didn’t get involved until he was given an actual example of the ghost killing people. Okay, so he got into it on the pure motivation of “saving people, hunting things” just like his season 1 self, while Sam had the motivation with destiny… It’s probably more what Dean would respond to: the altruism side of it.

* * *

Instead the personality Zach gave him actually is such an inversion of who Dean is (having scraped off all the Dean stuff to make him remotely fit for purpose) and Dean has previously expressed all sorts of sentiments about how much he hates the life - from grousing about the food all the way back in Simon Says, his “I quit” speech in Yellow Fever, him saying “home crappy home” about the motel moments before everything went to Hell in literally the last episode… Dean’s motivation to live that life has always been powerful external factors like family and being a hero and whatever else he tells himself to keep going in the morning, but he’s got a long history of basically the entire show hating these aspects that Smith rattles off:

> DEAN  
> You gotta be kidding me. How would we get by? With stolen credit cards? Huh? Eating diner food drenched in saturated fats? Sharing a crap motel room every night?
> 
> SAM  
> That’s all just details.
> 
> DEAN  
> Details are everything. You don’t wanna go fighting ghosts without any health insurance.

If the “Sammy” slipped through, I think Dean’s instinctive exhaustion and horror with his life can also slip through a little. The thought of it conjures up vivid sense memory that lets him quickly and thoroughly visualise what this life would be like, because, uh, it’s his life. And with the broken parts of Dean packed away - the family history, the knowledge of plot stuff, his sense of identity as a hunter, and so on - those things are all stuff which are his motivators to keep going through all this crap, even if they’re all also largely the causes of all his various issues which have led to him saying he quits. Basically, Zach built a Dean which could function to get this lesson, but not one that would take it to heart easily.

* * *

Wesson then confesses that there’s more to the dreams that he’d had. He tells him some of the missing details - the word “hunters” the mention that they are probably brothers.

And… it’s not enough.

Dean is the  _master_  of repressed emotions and ignoring things that hurt and coasting by on what will get him through the day. If his memories and life story seem weirdly shoddy and fake to him, well then he just won’t think about it. Because it’s too scary to contemplate that there’s a conspiracy about their lives… A grander scheme. It’s literally what Dean rejected at the end of last episode. 

> SAM  
> All I know is, I got this feeling in my gut. And I know—I know that deep down, you gotta be feeling it too. We’re supposed to be something else. You’re not just some corporate douchebag. This isn’t you. I know you.
> 
> DEAN  
> Know me? You don’t know me, pal. You should go.

But seriously. Like I said at the start: Sam’s the problem for Dean, and just this surface level bonding and Wesson telling him they feel like they should be brothers in another life  _isn’t enough_. Because that’s what actually needed fixing, and the little story they were put through didn’t address their issues. In fact, this conversation starts by Wesson confessing there was stuff he had hidden from Smith along the way about his weird dreams, so it’s same shit different day for their dynamic.

* * *

Wesson then ragequits his job epically, rejecting this fake life and everything that he’s been put through there. I wonder what he would have done: stuck around to make another appeal to Dean Smith to come with him? Just taken off to follow his dreams? (I mean he won’t have got far, but I do wonder how far down the street he got before he was Sam Winchester again.)

Of course, his rejection comes easily because it was blatantly never his life.

* * *

Dean Smith doesn’t look happy when we rejoin him - he looks rattled and exhausted. This probably kept him up at night. But he’s come back to work and is  _trying_. Ugh. 

* * *

Hi Zach *grins smugly because of what happens to him* My fave love-to-hate from the apocalypse. :D I suppose we can assume he just possessed Mr Adler and never let him go? He can not possibly only be 3 weeks into his job like everyone else.

Well, he’s 3 weeks into his job wrangling the Winchesters, and he’s got to take matters into his own hands with Dean because he’s  _still_  showing up to work after vanquishing the ghost. He MAY have taken another day or so to get there himself, but with Sam walking out, there are no motivators left here except for the tedium of the office hopefully eventually getting Dean, and so Zach has to basically talk him through his long dull potential future as a businessman before Dean  _finally_  rejects it. 

*whomph* desaturation. 

* * *

> DEAN  
> Oh, great. That’s all I need is another one of you guys.
> 
> ZACHARIAH  
> I’m hardly another one, Dean. I’m Castiel’s superior. Believe me, I had no interest in popping down here into one of these smelly things.

Just… the way he says it makes it clear that being  _Cas’s_  superior obviously indicates that he is very important,  _even more than Cas_. Like, suggesting Cas’s rank is high enough that being more important than him is a serious gloating matter.

I dunno maybe it’s just the smug way he says everything.

I like the parallel with him being Cas’s angel boss and Dean’s temporary office boss. :3

* * *

> ZACHARIAH  
> To prove to you that the path you’re on is truly in your blood. You’re a hunter. Not because your dad made you, not because God called you back from hell, but because it is what you are. And you love it. You’ll find your way to it in the dark every single time and you’re miserable without it. Dean, let’s be real here. You’re good at this. You’ll be successful. You will stop it. 

Well, let’s not be hasty. :P (I’m less inclined to believe any of this just because it’s coming out of Zach’s mouth) 

Yes, Dean is from a bloodline and apparently that does affect actions and destiny in this universe. However, the universe still conspired so that one way or another Sam and Dean would have been raised hunters. Every time we have time travel it just seems to seal how their story started even more.

(Except for Frontierland - that was just fun :P)

Dean is miserable here because Zach gave him an empty unsatisfying life. In 2x20 when Dean was shown what a richly detailed and emotionally fulfilling (for him) normal life looked like, even with his part in it still depressing all around the edges, his reaction was anger and upset that hunting intruded and he realised he had to un-wish it because his hero burden was too great. His reservations about jumping into hunting as Dean Smith might have been funny with the “no health insurance” line, but other than that reflected a lot of miserable things expressed by actual Dean in actual canon about disliking the job. 

And yes, John played a huge role in turning Dean into what he is: saying it was all just destiny and Dean had to become it and John was just playing his part like everyone else along the way minimises years of emotional scarring and being raised as a soldier that even John expressed some regret for putting them through towards the end and Dean has already spoken out against, loudly. John’s part in shaping Dean can’t be over looked, but to Zach he would see it that way: the big picture of what Dean becomes has John as a small part, a stepping stone.

> ZACHARIAH  
> You’ll do everything you’re destined to do. All of it. But I know, I know. You’re not strong enough. You’re scared. You got daddy issues. You can’t do it. Right? 

Much as I dislike him, I do like the way he links Dean’s fear and “daddy issues”… Also, yeah, an open nod to Dean’s fear as a demotivator. Thinking of 4x16 and the “all you have to do is be unafraid” “for the first time I am” thing… There’s probably more to talk about with that parallel, but basically, that was Uriel asking Cas to reject God (paralleled to John in the text of that episode) and here we have Zach saying it’s Dean’s “daddy issues” getting in the way.

Of course he’s asking Dean to do something in the long run Dean would never do (be Michael’s vessel) but he’s not letting that detail on yet.

* * *

> DEAN  
> Angel or not, I will stab you in your face. 

:3 Forgot that was from their very first meeting. Excellent.

* * *

> ZACHARIAH  
> Save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn’t a curse. It’s a gift. So for God’s sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around. There are plenty of fates worse than yours. So are you with me? You wanna go steam yourself another latte? Or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are? 

Honestly sad we don’t get to see Dean’s response to this but we fade to credits. Dean carries on rejecting destiny all the time, and Zach is asking him to step up to one (after Dean expressly rejected destiny even as Dean Smith just recently). Obviously he does/says something to get Zach off his back for now.

Anyway, as with the rest of it, I think this is a massive oversimplification of Dean’s character intended to talk up his ideal self, and sing praises to the heroic ideal Dean has of himself. As with everything, it’s more complicated than this, and Zach underestimates him and fails to fully understand or wrangle him all season (to his eventual demise). 

* * *

Wow I’m just going to post this. I’ve been SO TIRED the last few days it’s taken me 2 days to watch this and write anything semi-coherent so I hope any of this made sense because my brain is not up to scavenging for typos. :P


	18. 4x18

I started watching this  ~~last night~~   ~~two~~  three nights ago, then had a dream of an episode where the MotW was the fourth wall. Needless to say, they killed it. :P

If you can’t tell by the amendments to that paragraph, I’ve had a fucked up week and watched 5 minutes of this at a time at random while imploding from a headache. This is very much an “at your own risk” post. :P

* * *

* * *

I think Chuck’s house in the first shot kind of looks like a redecorated version of Bobby’s house. I don’t think it can possibly be the same set though as they’re used in the same episode in 4x22? It’s got the same archway leading into a beat up kitchen though. I don’t know how typical a template for American houses this is.

* * *

Long FBI coats return!

You know, this guy deserves his haunted comic book shop.

I suppose if he knows so much about it, once he realises it’s a ghost he can deal with it himself.

I guess Sam n Dean  _may_  have stuck around to do the salt and burn or come back? Or maybe they really did just ditch this case for all we know :P

* * *

I’m sad about the desaturation’s return. I was merrily thinking season 4 seemed generally a little brighter than season 1&2, and 3 was brighter than those, but nope, after seeing the full colour last episode, I have realised that Dean is actually tan and they only look this pallid because of filters.

Thinking of last episode, there was a good flow between episodes at least from the Siren episode onwards, but that’s broken now: there’s no discernible link between the end of last episode and here, and next episode I think they’re wandering aimlessly, and again in the start of 4x20, which does end with kicking off the flow of episodes into the end of the season/the flow of episodes which runs pretty smoothly deep into season 5.

Minor grumpy thing. :P Half the reason I wrote so much about 4x17 being a fix it job on Dean was because his trauma from 4x16 is shelved from the main plot for ages, and he does just go back to doing his job as a result of that episode. Which ended on a vaguely unsatisfactory note, but I suppose this is the answer to Zach’s question about if Dean would step up and play his part.

So we cut from that to him doing what starts as a normal salt n burn, just like how 4x17′s MotW was a salt n burn. Saving people, hunting things. Default Dean etc.

Hm.

* * *

Awww Dean not knowing about LARPing. You’ll get there. :3 Give it time.

* * *

“ _Supernatural._ ”

*smashing sounds*

It is, as I’ve rambled about elsewhere, one of like 3 defining moments of the show outside of the original premise and world building from season 1. :P 

(If you missed that post, which was just a random ask after I watched Tall Tales, those moments are the dancing alien for the show’s sense of humour appearing for the first time; Cas’s intro for the angel thing; this moment. :D)

* * *

Imagine if they had been called Steve and Dirk though.

* * *

The least believable thing here is that they hope the bargain bin might have  _all_  of the entire published series.

Like, have you ever tried to buy the entire run of an obscure niche series?

Unless you happen to walk into the shop right after an ex-fan has donated their entire set, GOOD LUCK.

* * *

(Well I suppose they have like 11 copies of books next scene, which is pretty impressive given the odds :P)

* * *

This motel room is an odd mess of recycled season 3 stuff - stuff that I made a point of talking about when it appeared significantly.

Wallpaper that looks like trees (Dream a Little Dream though not the EXACT one - I think maybe one of the hunting lodge themed motels may have had it too - maybe not season 3 though?); the blue bedspread with silver designs I think was from Bad Day at Black Rock; the lamp I think from Bedtime Stories? And a new painting which seems to be a set with a certain painting I flipped out over in Sin City.

(Sorry for the weird Dean, this was the only frame I could catch the lighthouse painting)

(ditto :P)

What I like is that painting is in the exact same place, but now there’s just the angel over his shoulder, and the pointy arrow dividers aimed at his head.

(I know I didn’t screenshot all of them but here’s the Sin City one since I saw that just now while saving these and knew where it was :P)

I rambled a lot about the significance of it appearing as a shoulder angel there and I still think that’s one of the neater bits of background symbolism in the motels that I’ve seen so far.

* * *

Not sure what that’s all about except for a little nostalgia trip to go with the one from the books reminding us of old episodes, and also (since this is season “ran out of money”), recycling a dozen props for this one-off motel room since there’s a different, major motel room for the rest of the episode once they get to Chuck’s town.

* * *

I like how the dire need to stop the in-show Wincest fandom getting any more ideas is their motivation to go find Chuck.

* * *

> PUBLISHER  
> (getting very emotional)  
> Gosh… if only real men were so open and in touch with their feelings. 

Uuuh. Have you  _met_  these guys? :P They might have a ton of emotions but they’re definitely not open or in touch with them. They spend the whole time repressing and lying. 

Suppose that’s what perspective does. Getting a view of their innermost feelings written out gives her a very different idea of what the surface experience is. (And as TV show viewers instead of people putting up with them face to face, we get a mix of not knowing what they’re thinking unless they say it, but seeing them in all the moments when they are alone and/or unguarded which slip by on screen.)

This is one thing that makes me think the books may be both of their POVs - but then later in the episode there’s stuff that suggests to me we get internal POV for Sam but just limited POV for Dean. My Winchester Gospels tag has a lot of this stuff in it & I tagged this post if you care to look for more of these thoughts. :P

* * *

Dean being upset about this nearly blows their chance to find out about Chuck though, so I suppose that is him wearing his emotions on his sleeve…

* * *

Always love Sam’s desperate attempt to recover and sound suuuuper casual with “That’s my – Uh… that’s Sam’s birthday.”

Sam: not a good actor. The saga.

* * *

The fact that his LSAT score is the thing that he reeeeally struggles to remember is awful. Little sign that Sam’s slipping away from that old ideal life he once tried to run away to. His old achievements just don’t stick to him any more. He’s calling that number up from another universe.

* * *

> CHUCK  
> “Sam and Dean approached the run-down…”  
> (sighs, makes a correction on the page)  
> “…approached the ramshackle house with trepidation. Did they really want to learn the secrets that lay beyond that door? Sam and Dean traded soulful looks. Then, with determination, Dean pushed the doorbell with forceful… determination.”  

Heh, I love the terrible first draft style writing with all the over-use of words (well who knows how many terrible first draft things made it into the final drafts).

The “soulful” look was like “lol we r at the sketchy house here goes nothing” “lol ok i will press the doorbell” it was the least soulful thing I’ve ever seen. If this is how Chuck describes Sam n Dean’s expressions, no wonder Wincest in that fandom.

On the other hand, if this is how he over-writes everything, no wonder Destiel. :P

* * *

> CHUCK  
> Is this some kind of “Misery” thing? Ah, it is, isn’t it? It’s a “Misery” thing!  
>   
> DEAN  
> No, it’s not a “Misery” thing. Believe me, we are not fans! 

Legit every writer’s worst nightmare.

* * *

> SAM  
> You kept writing?  
>   
> CHUCK  
> Yeah, even after the publisher went bankrupt, but those books never came out. 

I was wondering about the timeline. My only conclusion is that this crappy horror genre publisher he was working for was happily sucking up the books as fast as he could write them and, based on season lengths, that was 16-22 a YEAR. There’s like no proofreading or editing because there’s no TIME for that, they just trusted him to do his thing (not that it did them any good since they went bankrupt :P) but there had to be a pretty quick turn over from him sending in the manuscript to publication. Season 4 starts, what, 4 months after season 3, and we know 3x16 was the last book. Then there’s however many months that have passed since - according to Superwiki, last episode was “late March” so like 10 months after Dean died. There’s a pretty cramped timeframe here given it’s the publishing industry. :P

* * *

Oh wait! The name “Winchester” isn’t in the books… Although it must be fanon at least by season 7 thanks to Becky. I can’t remember if it was used in 10x05. I like the removing of the surname to make them sort of folkloric heroes who don’t need a full identity to fulfil their role… But I also like the significance of their surname being the password to make Chuck take them seriously even after saying all this stuff about angels and Lilith.

Anyway I suppose there’s a weird overlap where if the fandom knows about the Ghostfacers by season 10 they’ll hear the name Winchester and then Becky is going around using Becky Winchester as her screenname… Basically the blurring of reality and canon works into the show’s imaginary fanon as well. :P

* * *

> CHUCK  
> Well, there’s only one explanation. Obviously I’m a god.  
>   
> SAM  
> You’re not a god. 

Filed under: lines which are always funny. 

No idea how much Kripke intended all the way back here, and Swan Song was pretty ambiguous, textually, Word of God (lol) aside… but it’s a good set up. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> Yeah, like laser-focused. Are you working on anything right now?  
>   
> CHUCK  
> (realizing something)  
> Holy crap.  
>   
> SAM  
> What?  
>   
> CHUCK  
> (picks up the pages he was reading earlier)  
> The, uh, latest book? It’s, uh, it’s kind of weird. 

I know Chuck is getting divine inspiration instead of literal inspiration, but it’s always bugged me about how unaware he is of canon happenings and what he was literally just working on. I’d guess it all slips away as soon as he’s not focussed on it. 

It’s been a long-time headcanon of mine that Chuck was only a vessel for god if anything, not literally God, which I think was also clarified a bit by Word of God somewhere recently? Anyway it’s basically this which makes me think so: the divine inspiration striking him is him being told what to write by external forces. Though later in this episode Cas implies that other prophets wrote in a similar way to him, at least enough that his methods don’t seem strange, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t always how it worked and those prophets were also unknowing vessels. I think Kevin may have also been able to do this if God was around and wanted things Written (poke me to talk about Metatron :P), and I think probably Chuck would have been able to read the tablets without being possessed by anything, sort of, “perks” of the job one didn’t experience but the other did. But yeah. Basically he is just a human guy who’s receptive to even a weeny smidgen of power that gives him this divine foretelling.

(Also Zach places false prophecy in his head to catch Dean in 5x01, doesn’t he? Chuck is just human and can’t differentiate what comes to him from what sources, so he can be relied on to report misinformation.)

Anyway, this headcanon basically stops me gnawing through a pen with rage that Chuck’s so bad at remembering what he was  _literally_  just writing when the Winchesters rang on his doorbell. On the one hand, it could have scared thoughts of his job right out of his head. On the other, he’d literally spent the morning writing the build up to this and maybe  _something_  should have twigged earlier that this is literally what he was just describing?

* * *

Blargh Chuck’s visions give ME headaches because of how they’re delivered with choppy images and bright flashes of white.

* * *

When discussing Sam’s fiery demonic passion with Lilith, Sam thinks it’s a total joke, even after he finds out she’s changed vessels to something more age appropriate. Dean just pulls a series of increasingly raised eyebrows, and doesn’t answer Sam when he denies he’d ever do it. Of course, the whole Ruby thing is still ongoing, and Dean’s trust in Sam relating to not sleeping with demons is still shattered. It’s literally a direct challenge to what he’s already sore about. The whole episode now becomes Dean trying to crisis manage this and defy destiny (which Cas comes along to help with in a bit, hello end of season foreshadowing :3) and having absolutely no faith that Sam won’t sleep with Lilith. (And he sets up the scenario described in trying to avoid it whoops.)

* * *

> CHUCK  
> Well, it usually starts with a headache. A really bad headache. Aspirin is useless, so… I drink. Until I fall asleep. The first time it happened, I thought it was just a crazy dream. 

This seems terrible as a writing process. :P Kevin got pretty screwed up too but more from looking directly at the word of god (in show version wow this is confusing :P) so I guess it’s actually super painful and even the people who are allowed to read it and are presumably better insulated against it than normal people (who, knowing this show, would probably just explode on seeing it) still get seriously fucked up by it.

* * *

Bahaha when Sam is reading to Dean about the “pink flower bandaids” Dean gives a very private little smile to himself. Maybe laughing at the situation, maybe thinking pink and flowery isn’t so bad. :P I don’t even know.

~foreshadoooowing~

I mean this is his private “nah this is OKAY BY ME” look he uses for all sorts of things from “I want this cake” to “I want this Cas”

Sam then grumbles about how implausible it is, describing how Dean would be super macho about being injured and Dean gets really gruff with him for… assuming he wouldn’t? What  _is_  this moment? (I suppose maybe you could say he’s finding it ridiculous but I don’t know, Dean’s face, man. Dean’s face.)

* * *

Then he gets really grumpy about how Chuck has been right about everything so I suppose he is embracing his apparently surface level strange characterisation (which he clearly did not think that strange when Sam first read it to him) just to prove the point that Sam is likely to go sleep with Lilith. Like, Sam can say it’s out of character for him to do that, but Dean’s got to be like, nope, this is going to happen, you’re going to do it, so I’m just going to suck it up and assume I start buying Barbie bandaids rather than chance that Chuck is suddenly going to be wrong.

…

You could get him to confess literally anything to stand his ground in this fight.

> SAM  
> “Dean beckoned Castiel lustily towards the bed. The angel willingly fell into his embrace…” Dean, this is obviously the porny first draft Chuck wrote to get past some writer’s block.
> 
> DEAN  
> It could happen. I’d try anything once. You’re still gonna fuck Lilith. Hey, whenabouts am I going to hook up with Cas? Just so I can make sure I’ve brushed my teeth beforehand?

* * *

> DEAN  
> It’s a blueprint of what not to do. I mean, if the pages say that we go left –  
>   
> SAM  
> Then we go right.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Exactly. We get off-book. We never make it to the end. 

Dean vs destiny… I feel like this is the first time he’s really fought a completely  _overt_  destiny? I mean it’s the first time someone’s really just told him, this is how it’s written and this is what’s going to happen?

He’s both leaning on the idea that it WILL happen and trying to work out how to avoid it. Oh Dean.

* * *

OH. This is where Sam orders a salad for the first time?? Riiight after 4x17 where they were used to show Dean Smith’s character. I feel it’s got to mean something with its placement. Some time in early season 3 I was wondering when Sam started eating salads on screen and someone told me it was around here, so I started looking out for it just to confirm that so I’m pretty sure of the details of this even if I can’t think of the metaphor.

* * *

Like the script for the episode that should have happened if not for French Mistake verse, I’ve often wondered about how the book goes if it DOESN’T have Sam n Dean having this conversation? If they’re reading ahead but it doesn’t include their overt attempts to avoid what is written (this is a much more boring conversation) and doesn’t include things like Chuck telling them about Lilith or anything… Sam suggests that Dean just straight up eats a bacon cheeseburger with no strings attached, or else the twist of fate that makes him eat one would have been on the page so they’d know it’s helpless to avoid it.

Basically, Chuck’s written a story where they come to visit him, but it doesn’t have a discernible effect on the episode?

And they are already off-script just for the fact that they are talking about the script?

* * *

> SAM  
> This whole thing’s ridiculous.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Lilith is ridiculous?  
>   
> SAM  
> The idea of me hooking up with her is.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Right. ‘Cause something like that can never happen. 

Just some actual textual conversation on what’s been on their faces for the last 2 scenes before this since I spend so much time describing what I think their faces mean and then not always getting confirmation I was reading them right.

> SAM  
> Dean, for the first time, we have warning that Lilith is close.  
>   
> DEAN  
> So?  
>   
> SAM  
> So… we’ve got the jump on her. If we know when she’s coming, we know where she’s – this is an opportunity. 

Sam, of course, is still not doing too bad for his self esteem after killing Alastair. This was, to him, confirmation that he probably was going to be strong enough to kill Lilith when they confronted each other, and so he’s perfectly happy to run into her because he thinks he’s stronger than her. Sam’s arc this season is a lot about his sense of his own strength, fostered by Ruby, and probably to him, this is tying in to his perception that Dean is the less strong brother who has been broken: 

> SAM  
> Well, it frustrates me when you’d rather hide than fight. 

Sam thinks Dean is weak and scared (and again: the entire of Dean’s arc this season is about that fear, highlighted many times along the way) but Dean sees himself as being realistic. He doesn’t have powers and he doesn’t want Sam using his powers, so even taking out the Ruby stuff that undermines Dean’s faith Sam wouldn’t sleep with Lilith, Dean has reasons not to want Sam near Lilith, because any time he’s scared here, it’s because of Sam or for Sam, not the demons they’re facing. Demons in the early seasons scared the crap out of them, and Dean might be more familiar with demons, but he’s no stranger against them than he ever was. Sam sees himself equal or more powerful than the demons they encounter.

Dean’s attempts to control or manage Sam this episode are a reaction to that fear, and he’s flailing and out of his depth: it’s only later when he gives in and prays for help that he receives the advice he needs to cope with this situation which doesn’t just involve trying to move Sam around and tell him what to do. In the meantime he’s going to be dragged through this vs destiny stuff where he seems to be on the losing side and that this fate is going to be inevitable.

I just really like this episode as a microcosm of the themes of season 5 with fate. :P

* * *

Also that hilarious moment where Dean thinks that tofu isn’t so bad after all.

* * *

THINKING OF RECYCLING SEASON 3

  


(Malleus Maleficarum; the conversation where Ruby tells Dean that all demons were human once and that there’s no saving him from Hell. This is like the parking lot of damnation and salvation or something.)

The yellow lights have been swapped out for the red lights - hilarious that they’re trying to avoid the “red” motel and end up with one blasting that colour, though presumably because it’s the “hooker inn” in Dean’s words. Of course, also symbolic of Lilith coming to Sam with the deal she has to make and what has to be done to seal it.

I’m pretty sure the 3x09 inn was a bullfighting themed motel as well, with a Spanish theme which also incidentally looked like a red prison.

This one seems to have a totally different interior, anyway. (Again, all the sexy lady silhouettes we’ve seen before, along with some bullfighting stuff. Very symbolic of Sam and Lilith’s apparent upcoming encounter.)

* * *

> DEAN  
> Well, the pages say that I spend all day riding around in the Impala. So I’m gonna go park her. 

I’ve never got this. :P It’s like Dean was  _asking_  for trouble by getting back in the car. He was already stopped outside the motel! Did he want to go somewhere else to park her for safety reasons because he didn’t trust the motel (LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT FOR YOU)? Or was he heading back into the centre of town to do something else but with the intention of parking her then and he was just too far away to walk into town? Dean WHY DID YOU GET BACK IN THE CAR AND DO THIS?

Basically he sucks at averting destiny.

Team Free Will my ass, Cas is the only one holding it together. ;)

* * *

I like the lingering shot on the Toredor’s butt before the sign flickers out. 

* * *

> SAM  
> Have you seen visions of me when I’m not with Dean?  
>   
> CHUCK  
> Oh… You want to know if I know about the demon blood.  
>   
> SAM  
> You didn’t tell Dean.  
>   
> CHUCK  
> I didn’t even write it into the books. I was afraid it would make you look unsympathetic.  
>   
> SAM  
> Unsympathetic?

[I don’t ALWAYS plug my own meta all the time for no reason, but](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/108911450713/he-seems-helpful-and-dreamy). :P (It’s my fave nonsensical line of thought and probably greatest fandom contribution, okay?)

Okay, but no, seriously this whole conversation is amazing.

Sam’s still hiding the demon blood thing from Dean, and goes to Chuck to check… His first thought after confirming Chuck knows is to confirm that Dean doesn’t. I don’t know if he ever planned to tell him - if he thought he could get this chapter over and done with and stop? (And if he killed Lilith that very day, then that could be the end of it) but Chuck poses a problem where there may be piles of pages lying around detailing his secret. 

I don’t know when Sam thinks Chuck would have got time to tell Dean unless he assumed Dean being split up from him might involve another visit to Chuck, or that Chuck would sneak him the info somehow since Sam is keeping a PRETTY HORRIFIC SECRET right now: he’s paranoid about it getting out.

Anyway, Chuck offers the insight of an author to his character, which is a very niche sort of god to subject / father to son kind of ridiculous and not explored often enough dynamic. Even in this post modern world I don’t know if there are legit established tropes for this sort of thing. :P

Especially when this is still technically “within” the fourth wall in the sense that this is only a metaphorical representation of the writers of the show, not an actual appearance of a real person intruding in the narrative: it’s posing a 4th wall breaking concept but this all works very “sensibly” within the established rules of this universe.

Anyway. 

> CHUCK  
> Yeah, come on, Sam. I mean, sucking blood? You got to know that’s wrong.  
>   
> SAM  
> It scares the hell out of me. I mean, I feel it inside of me. I… I wish to god I could stop. 

Chuck’s advice starts as just pointing out how it made Sam “unsympathetic” to write i.e. this is how it looks to the reader; here is what it feels like as the writer to be crafting your story.

He then goes on to try talking to Sam as a person, appealing to him with phrasing that is not so suggestive of a writers’ workshop but taking into account the fact Sam is real. :P

Sam saying he can feel it inside him makes me jump back to last episode where Sam Wesson was saying he could feel there was something in his blood then and I laughed at it bitterly at the time.

> SAM  
> What choice have I got? If it helps me kill Lilith and stop the apocalypse –  
>   
> CHUCK  
> I thought that was Dean’s job. That’s what the angels say, right?  
>   
> SAM  
> Dean’s not… he’s not Dean lately. Ever since he got out of hell. He needs help.  
>   
> CHUCK  
> So you got to carry the weight? 

This is interesting just because once again we have Sam re-emphasising Dean’s fear etc is a weakness that means he can’t do whatever he’s supposed to do (even so far as to imply again as in 4x16 that the angels literally have the wrong guy for the job, assuming they need Dean as a person and not Dean as a vessel), and that Sam has to be the strong one now, that Sam can take on that destiny that is supposed to be Dean’s and stop the apocalypse. 

It’s going back to that thing about balance - yin and yang - that has been with them from the start: one does something, the other has to go in the opposite direction. It started off small in season 1 (and I noted a lot of tiny individual moments during the character introduction phase to explain it before it blew up into big plot arc stuff) but by now they’re sitting on opposing sides to the apocalypse without even meaning to and both thinking they’re technically working together on it (and that Sam’s methods can do the same end as the angels’ plans). The idea that he has to be stronger than Dean because Dean is weak, is this false idea of their balance where one NEEDS to be what the other isn’t. 

I mean I dunno in this universe? Maybe they literally are opposing forces where values and power shift between them instead of sharing or growing independently or whatever. :P

Anyway, Sam was already doing all this before Dean came back from Hell, so this is all what he NOW believes, i.e. what he has been telling himself RECENTLY to justify it, because there is always a reason, and the reason is what he and Ruby tell him moment by moment. The fact there appears to be a genuine apocalypse-stopping reason to do it, however you look at the means, the end seems so justified if he can do it, that all the little details like being on a dark arc that his own writer has called “unsympathetic” is something that torments him but ultimately he can carry on through.

> CHUCK  
> I don’t know. Maybe the demon blood makes you feel stronger? More in control?  
>   
> SAM  
> No. That’s not true.  
>   
> CHUCK  
> I’m sorry, Sam. I know it’s a terrible burden – feeling that it all rests on your shoulders.  
>   
> SAM  
> Does it? All rest on my shoulders?  
>   
> CHUCK  
> That seems to be where the story’s headed.  
>   
> SAM  
> Am I strong enough to stop Lilith tonight?  
>   
> CHUCK  
> I don’t know. I haven’t seen that far yet.

Once again, yeah, the demon blood DOES make him feel stronger and he just said he could feel it inside him AND that Dean was weaker and so Sam was making himself stronger or doing it to be stronger. And in 4x16 he was delighted to be strong enough to kill Alastair and it was all over his face, how he enjoyed being so strong and in control.

But Chuck obviously knows his mindset better than anyone else since he’s been writing it (another point towards why I feel the Gospels are sort of leaning towards Sam’s POV? Not that Chuck probably wouldn’t connect with Dean, but that Sam is singled out for this conversation - Chuck and Dean do not ever have a similar bonding moment over the contents of the books. It leaves Chuck just seeming more inclined towards Sam) and so rather than tackle this issue directly, he empathises with WHY Sam is doing it. This is basically our strongest look into what’s up with Sam this season aside from 4x21, as we don’t get much Sam POV (I was talking about how Sam Wesson carrying the narrative last episode was so important for that reason) and it’s only now the secret’s out we can really have anything to do with his mindset. Chuck is basically telling us as the writer what Sam’s motivation is as he’s been writing it: this sense that it is on his shoulders (and we can take that as canon character analysis where it’s telling not showing, but in this case where Sam is, as Chuck says, at such a sympathy remove from the audience, we probably need it spelled out to see how he is motivated to do this).

Sam asks if it’s true, like, if the ongoing plot really is about him, and Chuck can only answer in the same way anyone trying to figure out a story before its done can, which is respond with the evidence he has to make a strong prediction on the themes and character development. He can’t say the fine plot details such as what Lilith will do or how that fight would go with Sam, but he knows the thematic arc well enough.

And of course, once again Sam asks about his strength, moments after denying that he does the demon blood for strength. 

* * *

This makes me so sad. :P I do find Sam sympathetic through this arc unlike what Chuck feared, but he’s scary as hell and all I can really say is I UNDERSTAND why Sam did it, and that makes me feel bad for him. 

* * *

The plasters  _aren’t even that pink_.

Chuck, you take too much creative licence.

Also the tarp is white and translucent, so the crow’s wing thing was also over-writing (but that shot is accompanied by faint squawking sound effects so I’m not complaining :P)

* * *

I like how Chuck goes from one Winchester’s angst to the next. This is the worst day of his life. :P (he shows up with an armful of beer. I’m not extrapolating out of thin air. I’m pretty sure Chuck is actively thinking this)

For the ongoing theme of Dean vs destiny, he is FURIOUS that Chuck’s words seem to be officially set in stone. Hasn’t quiiite grasped how out of his control they are yet.

HEY CAS.

This is both the most unexpected time he shows up (more than halfway through an episode) and also the most predictable twist in hindsight. :P

The “prophet of the Lord” thing quickly seems to take this into  _Dean’s_  worst day ever, since this thing that was making him very angry has now turned into a faith thing. And something where, at this juncture, there seems to be no wrangling the Word after he’s been hit with a minivan for his troubles of trying to avoid being hit by a minivan. 

Reminder that this was the last thing that occurred re: Dean and this specific flavour of God-written destiny -

> CASTIEL  
> I don’t. Dean, they don’t tell me much. I know our fate rests with you.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Well, then you guys are screwed. I can’t do it, Cas. It’s too big. 

* * *

Eee Cas and books. I like the thing where he just randomly looks at stuff instead of talking to people. In this case, he’s familiarising himself with the events of Scarecrow. For the people following along from the start of this rewatch, you’ll remember my meltdown about Destiel in Scarecrow re: Dean n Cas’s respective season 1 and 4 roles. Quite fitting that at this point of the season Cas is reading about Dean at THAT point of the season for him. :P It was all build up to Dean’s rebellion against John, just like we’re now getting Cas’s first little rebellion against God this episode.

* * *

*Cas tries to cheer Dean up by making a crack about Luke* *Dean is too distressed to notice Cas is trying to cheer him up* C’MON that one was obvious!

Am now not just convinced Cas tries to fix every situation with jokes, but baffled about how people do not talk about this more because it’s so obvious. :P

(Also nice of Chuck to duck out of this conversation. He was probably not thinking of the fangirls, rather than that he may have been about to puke, but he definitely did leave the two alone to chat.)

(I wonder if his descriptions of them all improved markedly in all future books. Just re-dedicate a page to describing how blue Cas’s eyes are next time he’s in a story.)

* * *

*Dean n Cas do a synchronised turn to look into the other’s eyes and I need to rewind like a minute of the episode despite my already terrible time being on day 4 of watching this because everything flew over my head*

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> What the prophet has written can’t be unwritten. As he has seen it, so it shall come to pass. 

You’re all shit at this free will thing.

* * *

(Okay setting aside that it’s 2am and there are still loud drunk people and noisy trucks coming up and down the road keeping me awake and I’d otherwise be asleep in bed - seriously Saturday night in this town is a joke - there’s probably a serious point to be made about Cas speaking SO biblically when he’s spouting off lines that are blatantly just what the angels are told. Obviously he’s going to flap back down with a work around in a few minutes of screen time, and this is setting up a core belief to be undermined - even in this episode.)

* * *

Dean realises he’s checked them into the Red Motel but the lights have changed to pink.

I always think it’s extreme that Sam just went and burned the hexbags. Surely there’s some other way to deactivate them than burning, when they probably have quite precious ingredients?

* * *

> DEAN  
> Lilith is gonna slaughter you.  
>   
> SAM  
> Maybe she will, maybe she won’t.  
>   
> DEAN  
> So what? You think you can take her?  
>   
> SAM  
> Only one way to find out, Dean, and I say bring her on.

Okay, THIS sounds like Sam being genuinely reckless like Dean accused him of being. “one way to find out” is never a good thing to say. :P He seems pretty sure of himself, and Alastair was the same ish level as Lilith so theoretically he could do it even at this point. But… He’d still be gambling.

> SAM  
> You think I’ll do it, don’t you? You think I’ll go dark side.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Yes! Okay? Yes. The way you’ve been acting lately? The things you’ve been doing?  
> (SAM looks up, startled.)  
> Oh, I know. How you ripped Alastair apart like it was nothing, like you were swatting a fly. Cas told me, okay? 

Hehe, Cas talking to Dean. I suppose this was in 4x16 at some point after the bits we saw. I wonder how long Cas sat with Dean.

I hope it was for ages and ages and ages. <3

* * *

But yeah it doesn’t seem like something that would have floated up in the conversation they just had, even if the implication is kind of there, because 4x16 it did seem like the time to tell Dean (i.e. if Cas told him THIS episode there’s a dramatic “why wait to tell me?!” we didn’t see), and just now there didn’t seem to be a lead into this subject in the empty space left after the conversation before it cut to Dean driving alone, though we didn’t see Cas leaving, so there’s a gap where they did interact more.

* * *

(Argh it is half 2 I am going to sleep and drag this onto day 4 :P At this point it becomes the official most time I’ve had an episode open in the background while my brain is making weak buzzing noises instead of thoughts.)

* * *

Okay blah blah Sam is being scary and Dean is confessing he thinks he’s going dark. Something I didn’t clock until re-watching this scene this morning is that Dean name drops Cas TWICE as someone he’d been talking to ABOUT this situation and had been telling him ABOUT Sam. For the Ruby and Cas parallels, one of the things I’ve seen described that peeps who don’t like Cas attributed to them in the early days if they were hipster about disliking Cas before it was cool, is that Cas became someone Dean relied on outside of Sam over this season. Obviously Dean has no faith in Sam right now anyway so Cas’s presence is technically moot, but in this conversation he’s drawing a line of him n Cas on one side and Sam on the other: I’m actually not seeing this as too shippy. Dean’s hurting and has found someone he trusts more (Cas after all led him pretty true to discover Sam was working with Ruby and to tell him as much of the backstory as he knew, albeit in a dickish angel way, in 4x03). So for this moment where there is emotional fracturing, it’s the first time it’s quite clear that there are battle lines and it’s turning it into a Sam x Ruby and Dean n Cas division in who trusts who. 

Obviously even with 4x03 Cas never intentionally tried to lead Dean away from Sam and those fractures would have appeared sooner or later but I can kind of see how if you really value the bro relationship above all else, this scene in particular might set you against Cas because Dean keeps on dragging his name up as a trusted voice of authority who is backing him up in this argument and Sam now knows, keeping Dean informed of everything sketchy he does. Like, if Cas found out Sam was drinking demon blood before Dean did, Sam now would think Cas would tell Dean immediately without hesitation.

(Hm, I wonder if 4x20 might be interesting to look at wondering if Sam thought that was what Cas had found out?)

(I wonder if it  _was_?)

(4x21 after all has Cas, brainwashed, letting Sam out the panic room)

* * *

> DEAN  
> Nothing I don’t already know. That you’ve been using your psychic crap, and you’ve been getting stronger. We just don’t know why, and we don’t know how. 

Uhoh. :3

* * *

Dean vs vending machines. I feel like someone did a meta about them at some point. I can’t remember every example or the exact point, but I remember him moodily staring at one when he got back from Purgatory being a strong feature.

* * *

Anyway Dean actually breaks down and prays. :3 Yay. It’s a first. <3 

Kinda sad that at the moment his first and last prayers are both helplessly shouting into the void to get help for Sam. Cas answers this one - in 9x01 Dean has to do the desperate shouting into the void for extremely complicated reasons about why Cas  _can’t_.

But he asked for Cas first, because this first time he desperately shouted into the void… Cas popped up within seconds.

* * *

Anyway to devalue the moment, ding ding, new level unlocked: Longing Retcon is now applied to all future DeanCas interactions because some dweeb (Dean) just opened the door. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> Well, I feel stupid doing this. But… I am fresh out of options. So please. I need some help. I’m praying, okay? Come on. Please.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Prayer is a sign of faith. This is a good thing, Dean. 

It’s interesting that after being told that he was up against the Word of God, he basically has a “I WILL SPEAK TO THE MANAGER” moment. He doesn’t KNOW how prayers work because this is the first time he tries. For all we know he thinks he’s actually talking to God, but Cas is hovering nearby and overhears it, and, being his assigned case worker or whatever “humans in my charge” means, is the one responsible for answering.

At this point, Cas has basically just told Dean in their last conversation “lol no it’s fate like it or lump it” so he is actually the most unhelpful presence Dean could have prayed for - he would NOT have been asking FOR Cas at this point since Cas had demonstrated he was very company line about this.

AND YET. Cas comes to offer his help, bathed in the pink (not red) light of this scene.

I mean was it just cheap shoddy bulbs that bathed this scene in pink? They can mess with the lighting in Post and make it red if they wanted. 

This is the bubblegum candy Destiel conversation.

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> It’s a prophecy. I can’t interfere.  
>   
> DEAN  
> You have tested me and thrown me every which way. And I have never asked for anything. Not a damn thing. But now I’m asking. I need your help. Please.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> What you’re asking, it’s… not within my power to do. 

Once again we have Cas vs his own programming. He CAN’T do anything and yet you can see in his eyes right from the start - even in the previous conversation where he just looked a little sad and uncomfortable - that he WANTS to. Now his eyes are all shiny and wide and when he says “it’s not within my power” he chances a glance up at the sky - always with the looking up and… questioning Heaven? Wondering if they’re listening to him saying these things (I’m gonna go with yes on that because of 4x20 :P).

Ugh season 4 Cas kills me.

* * *

> DEAN  
> Screw you. You and your mission. Your God. If you don’t help me now, then when the time comes and you need me… don’t bother knocking. 

*Cas winces at Dean saying screw God* Aw my babies. :( You have so far to go and you’re not going to enjoy it. :(

Dean gives us a variety of reasons Cas snaps and offers him help: “screw you” is upfront, the personal “Nooo my friendship with Dean!” reason, and then there’s the vague “show him faith is worth it” reason, and then there’s the “got to make Dean want to help Heaven” thing - which being the last thing said before Cas offers this help, makes it look like that might be it - but it makes the least sense since Cas has a minor act of rebellion against Heaven here, offering Dean help in a way that breaks all the rules of what he is supposed to do. Guaranteed that SOMEONE would have told Cas not to fuck around with prophecies if anyone had been with him seeing as he just argued the company line again about them being written in stone. :P

I mean does it even work, defying the rules to help Dean for personal reasons just for the sake of him then helping Heaven later? Cas may have been told he should keep Dean in line with Heaven’s plans at any cost without Heaven realising minor rebellion might be something Cas would have to do to ensure Dean’s cooperation… And since they can just reprogram angels when they get too uppity with the free will, would that have been a risk they ventured?

I don’t think so :P

I’m pretty sure Cas just does this because he likes Dean and is sad Dean doesn’t like him.

* * *

The way he says Dean here. Oh god. Hold me.

* * *

Look how over-grown and covered in leaves this place is though:

As Dean gets that Cas is helping him, he walks right back up into his space. Aaargh.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

* * *

> CHUCK  
> What are you doing here? I didn’t write this. 

:3 Ehehehe. Have you met Dean?

Okay so I was kinda kidding about the three of them being fail at Team Free Will today. Even Sam is facing his destiny head on to meet with the evil demon of doom, hoping to best her when she gets there and pit his strength against her, and hopefully just not succumb to the prophecy along the way.

* * *

(I do think it’s interesting how much of this is off-book but Swan Song’s whole narrative framing harping on the importance of the car depends on the thing happening that only would have happened because of Dean going to Chuck for info, meaning that it was already embedded into the structure of the story that the thing was going to happen and therefore despite seeming to defy destiny, Dean in fact did not go off-book because the book was suggesting the thing would happen before it did. :P I think the story CHANGED to allow for the fact Dean was going to go off book and sort of just became the book because of that… 

Don’t know. Probably literary technique usurps sense there. 

There’s an argument to make that God just liked the suggested ending of allowing Dean to stop the apocalypse (or, as I said after 4x16, he was fated to do it that way all along so this is in fact all written from the start) and so these wobbles of turning the story into what it ended up being, from what was supposedly written causes the butterfly effect; the books from this point on are all as-written and there’s no further Destiny Averting going on - just the archangels don’t know that the end had changed ALL THE WAY BACK HERE.)

* * *

> CHUCK  
> I thought you said I was protected by an archangel.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Well, interesting exercise. Let’s see who the quicker draw is. 

You know, the presence of Raphael in Dean n Cas’s sexual tension is an extremely interesting discussion if we look at this episode, 5x03 and the whole of season 6. Basically I am just saying I am sorry Cas was not here for that because I think he would have been 100% in love with Dean on the spot if he saw this. :P

* * *

Though I suppose Cas vs Raphael really kicked off after Raphael exploded him at the end of the season.

* * *

Eh, details.

* * *

I like how Lilith jumpscares Sam by waiting for him to open the door for her before popping up behind him seemingly already in the room. I remember what Azazel said about needing to be invited. Maybe Sam needed to open the door just to let her teleport in to scare him. It’s the same thing about why salting the doors and windows works and the demons don’t bust through the walls - they need to use proper designated entryways.

* * *

Heheh there’s a fuzzy pink rug that Sam hid the trap under.

(Also, dude, putting the demon knife by the bed? This shows Sam was leaning into the ‘destiny’ to sleep with Lilith and planning to use it to his advantage to subvert it and kill her all along.)

I like how the pink is sneaking in from outside via the blinds on the window. I think the pink probably does have an erotic suggestion for this scene considering the entire set up is a demonic hook up, but then like, Dean n Cas’s scene was bathed in pink light, WAY more than in here, since they were actually making a meaningful emotional connection. 

What are you meant to do with this?

* * *

> LILITH  
> You’re strong. But you’re not that strong. Not yet.  
>   
> SAM  
> So why don’t you throw me around then?  
>   
> LILITH  
> Because I can’t, and you know it. You’re immune to my charms. 

I like how Sam n Lilith actually are evenly matched and can’t kill each other yet, so they cancel each other out. If she wasn’t pure evil they could have tea parties.

One of the things that fascinates me about this season is the way Sam n Lilith are bound together over it. As I described in my Helpful and Dreamy meta, I’d actually have liked the no demon blood AU where Sam’s powers were tied to the seals, and Lilith breaking them was powering him up to kill her. Even without that detail, they still have an intertwined story, and their power is a huge deal in it. She’s the strongest demon, he’s on his way up to outmatch her.

They also haven’t interacted since 3x16 so it’s nice of them to have a catch up here. :P Lilith is one of the more fascinating villains just because of how little she is on screen, yet her presence is huge - much greater than Azazel’s ever was on the day to day storyline of her seasons.

* * *

> LILITH  
> Turns out, I don’t survive this war. Killed off, right before the good part starts. 

IN AN EPISODE ALL ABOUT PROPHECY YOU’D THINK THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A BIG CLUE.

I can’t talk, I watched season 4-6 new in one go so I spent no time at all making theories, just loaded up each new episode. :P Did anyone twig she was the final seal?

* * *

> LILITH  
> Your head on a stick. Dean’s, too. Call it a consolation prize. So what do you say, Sam? Self-sacrifice is the Winchester way, isn’t it?  
>   
> SAM  
> You really think I’m stupid enough to fall for this?  
>   
> LILITH  
> I make a deal, I have to follow through. Those are the rules, and you know it. Are you really so arrogant that you would put your life before the lives of six billion innocent people? Maybe it’s all that demon blood pumping through your pipes. Man after my own heart. 

Oops.

To be fair on Sam, he does eventually make it up in Swan Song, and this moment was dodgy as Hell so he had no reason to trust her, even with the knowledge that demon deals were airtight. If she’d said she was the final seal, and he had to do it, she probably could have actually averted it, but instead she talks around it, and Sam is led to make the bad decision.

PROBABLY Lilith did want to not die (I kind of trust her in a weird way :P) but choice is important, and she was giving Sam one here. Which meant if he didn’t go for it, Lilith was going to have to sacrifice herself to this and go along with it (she definitely knew Sam could not kill her yet). Which meant she couldn’t compromise their plan, even while compromising it. :P 

I just find it fascinating for the whole intertwined fates of Sam and Lilith that it’s a very Harry Potter and Voldemort situation. :P Only one of them can survive it, and Lilith can’t do the apocalypse without Sam, but she can carry on living. Lucifer can’t punish her for going “nah” and stopping halfway because he doesn’t get out, peace and harmony returns.

Either way it ends up they’re both doing a huge sacrifice.

* * *

*narrows eyes at how Lilith refers to her poor meatsuit.* 

Not sure if Sam only going along with this for the intent of killing her is better because he’s just had a reminder there’s an innocent person in there, so even killing Lilith right now (out of order, also averting the apocalypse) would involve killing a random human, though just the one and honestly, how many other random humans have died so far this season in meatsuits?)

Anyway. Ew.

* * *

I love the high melodrama of this scene abruptly ending with “I am the Prophet Chuck!”

You got to give him a couple of points for that. :P

* * *

*longest awkward silence in the show* :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> You didn’t think once about taking it?  
>   
> SAM  
> You kidding me? Dude, you spent all day trying to talk me off the Lilith track.  
>   
> DEAN  
> I’m just saying… 

I wonder if Dean hadn’t gone off-book if Sam would have taken it. 

I suppose without throwing in the variables of real life characters finding out about themselves, the story may have gone they met Chuck and he gave them the Lilith warning, but without all of the meta fuckery along the way? I don’t even know where this episode would end and the written story begin.

But yeah, Sam seems to indicate he didn’t take it partially because of Dean telling him not to because of the forewarning, which understandably removes the meat of the episode if you write it out entirely so unless this was a straight up story about Lilith making the deal with Sam, I don’t think so?

I dunno, it’s interesting that Dean is now musing on the eventuality that didn’t happen, seeing as this is an episode where a lot of eventualities end or branch off from each other.

* * *

> SAM  
> The point is, she’s scared. I could see it. Lilith is running.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Running from what?  
>   
> SAM  
> Don’t know. 

I’m just saying, Sam’s look here is very much “she is scared and running FROM ME”

As a confidence building exercise, this failed attempt to save her own life has at least added a lot of oomph to Sam’s confidence for the ongoing plan…

* * *

Aaaah Chuck has a creepy monkey toy in his house. I don’t think it’s the same one as the Roadhouse, but it’s funny how it overlaps.

(I wonder if the prophet had to be someone who would believably get all of the references and have various reasons to include the details that he included. If Dean referenced a film Chuck had never seen, would it have ruined everything?)

* * *

Anyway hi Zach, here to ruin everything.

Well, to tell us that everything is about to be ruined.

I guess roughly the same thing. 

*shivers*

> CHUCK  
> What am I supposed to do?  
>   
> ZACHARIAH  
> What you always do. Write. 


	19. 4x19

Or: wait who is this one about? I forgot.

* * *

Nice light recap, comparing Sam to John and then going further to remind us that he’s kinda turning into a monster this season.

It had the bit where Sam was driving in 4x16 but I swear the brightness was up so it’s a lot clearer his eyes actually did turn black. I missed that and actually went back to 4x16 and could see it happen but the screen was dark. So I guess that’s something I’ve never caught in hundreds of viewings of 4x16 that spacing out and watching the recap for 4x19 in decent quality resolution for once in my life actually showed me. :P I always thought 4x22 was the only time we ever saw that happen to Sam’s eyes, but it was just that they went all the way there.

* * *

Anyway, yeah, it’s interesting they decided to recap John entirely through arguments with Sam, considering this episode is another Sam episode.

We get a lot of these all of a sudden at the end of the season for some reason. :P

* * *

Nooo never sit on the bed with your feet on the floor. BASIC MISTAKE.

It took her the entire of Adam’s childhood but eventually the curse of hooking up with a Winchester got her. >.>

I’ve always thought it was weird she kept the picture of John on her nightstand for any reason other than because the camera needed to show us something to make the link. Did they even know that John was dead? I mean it’s not like anyone would have told them. Was a gap this long normal? It’s been 3 years.

Maybe she kept it to try and make him come back. I dunno. Perhaps she just really liked him and he never officially broke up with her, and it was a sort of on and off long distance see each other once in a blue moon thing that made sense to them?

* * *

Mm scenery porn.

* * *

One way to really diminish a guy’s dark arc is to show him brushing his teeth.

> “blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh”

Dean being a dork about the tuna sandwich and general morning shittiness after a night in the car just seems in-character.

Sam being a dork is refreshing after all the demon blood stuff.

* * *

Dabb vs cars: they’ve parked in the middle of nowhere, 2 hours from coffee or food. It’s not a plothole, I am just amused that their driving habits are already causing (minor) problems like 1 minute into the show.

* * *

*over-dramatic zoom on Dean’s face with “I’m his son”*

* * *

Yiiikes, Adam was a 1990 baby? He’s a hair younger than me.

* * *

Of course because nothing is easy with these guys, Sam is eager to meet Adam, and Dean is (unfortunately right) complaining it’s a trap and so we already have a secondary fight for the episode to act as a proxy for their ongoing season-long meltdown.

In this case, Sam is being trusting and Dean is pointing out that family is a weakness as well, which ALSO marks some of their arguments along nearby canon (I think the family is a weakness thing is more what Dean is upset about over 5x03-4 if I remember the stuff he said to Sam about picking a hemisphere, so that one is foreshadowing… As is, I guess, Sam trusting Adam to be friendly and then almost getting eaten by him - this late in the season they had to know Ruby was going to turn out to be evil at a high up level.)

* * *

PIIIEEEE.

I don’t think they actually order any, but it’s interesting it’s all laid out here, 3 pies in a row. Don’t think they’re apple pies either, but there’s a broad umbrella for pie = family in the earlier seasons, and so we have something going on here. John Dean and Sam? Sam Dean and Adam? Who is the pie that has a slice cut out? Who is the meringue pie?

QUESTIONS.

* * *

Dean is then really rude to the waitress just because he’s in a pissy mood about the monster using John’s memory to get them (again: not far off the truth, justified rage in the long run, really annoying in the short term). He also snaps at Sam. >.> 

I did make the point back in 4x14 that, if we go with the absolute surface level reading that no one seems to bother with when there’s gay stuff afoot, that Nick the Siren’s whole brother deal also helps set up Dean’s utter distrust in “Adam”. This season has these two monsters which try to get to Dean (and Sam) using this brother thing: thematically relevant for a season where the brothers are fractured like they so far have never been (and as I was saying last episode, Sam and Dean both have a season long companion dragging them away from each other in the form of Ruby and Cas, except for the whole thing where anyone who actually likes Cas doesn’t ascribe malicious intent to how Dean bonds with him because, you know, allowing a guy to have friends. :P Nonetheless, there IS someone Dean has started to make a tiny bit of bonding progress with, and considering how prickly he’s been about it, and with these intrusions, it’s pretty amazing how close he gets to Cas by the end of the season).

And of course, it’s not going unnoticed these brothers are both monsters posing as a brother to earn affection and trust and protection until the twist.

Which is extremely pertinent to Sam n Dean’s end of season fight.

* * *

Basically there are like 1000 levels to why Dean is being shitty here and will continue to be so :P *pats my poor grump on the head*

* * *

Never mind the John stuff I haven’t even touched on. 

[The transcript](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3D4.19_Jump_the_Shark_%28transcript%29&t=NTBhYWY4MzhiM2E0NmMzNWY1ODZiZjU4NTIxZjYzOWI4ODZkNDYxMCxHZ0h0TU40bw%3D%3D&b=t%3AEoTmUHpiEEiE91JGAXVv3Q&p=https%3A%2F%2Felizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F126356567633%2Fspn-hellatus-rewatch-4x19-or-wait-who-is-this&m=1) is doing my meta for me (so much so I actually feel like I have to link to it for once :P)

> SAM  
> From January of 1990, saying he’s headed to Minnesota to check out a case. That’s, roughly, oh, about nine months before the kid was born.
> 
> DEAN  
> Coincidence.
> 
> SAM  
> Coincidence. Next two pages of the journal—torn out.
> 
> SAM indicates the remains of the pages; these must have been deliberately left, because the journal is clearly a three-ring add-and-remove-pages type.

I’m assuming as with the photo on Kate’s nightstand this was an intentional thing to show that there are missing pages. Having spent ages a few weeks ago searching through my old notebooks trying to find something, I’m well-aware of how missing information can be pretty obvious where a page has disappeared leaving the text either side not making sense, but for the sake of TV they’re showing us 2 obviously torn pages with a few fragments of writing down the edges. This ends up giving us a scenario where John intentionally left them the remains of torn out pages. So not only is it an instance where John hid information from them (never too late to discover he’s still lying to them :P) but he’s kind of made it bloody obvious that at some point he censored the journal.

In the Christmas episode we saw Sam steal the journal and read it, and obviously Dean had it for 90% of season 1 and had already memorised its contents before they met up with John again, which leads me to think that A: John tore these pages out not long after he wrote them/basically as soon as he realised he’d have kids who could read who might potentially start nosing around in his stuff (also if he died :P) and B: that if Dean has memorised the journal even back in season 1 he knows full well there are missing pages which John had left evidence of, so he knows that the journal hasn’t been telling them the whole truth all along and so Sam pointing this out is once again hitting a nerve.

Especially since it didn’t turn out to be dire plot related reasons to hide everything, but personal secrets showing they never really knew everything about John and that was intentionally so by him (and by taking out the personal touch from his life and keeping a secret, he turns himself even more into their drill sergeant - someone at an emotional remove to them who ends up at best with a working relationship).

* * *

Sam just makes this all really awkward, I swear mostly as revenge to Dean.

> SAM  
> I mean, a hunter rolls into town, kills a monster, saves the girl…sometimes the girl’s grateful. 

This is not exactly a model they’re unfamiliar with in their own lives either. Monster Movie had Dean leaning into that trope in a very intentionally standard way with Jamie as part of his emotional recovery from Hell: there was a great deal of stuff about him recreating his identity I blathered on about there, and so really it’s zero surprise this archetype he was aspiring to is something John-related. (I also talked about how in Dean’s case it was instantly undermined by Yellow Fever :P)

Of course there’s the whole awkward thing where aside from it being gross to consider their parents having sex there’s the whole vague sense of betrayal to their dead mother despite the fact he was, well, dead. John’s whole arc is revenge for her death, so the fact he found solace elsewhere while on the revenge quest makes him more complex, but also betrays a sort of vague ideal of him loving Mary so much and avenging her, like the dead wife thing means he has to honour her memory with strict celibacy or something. I mean, John didn’t even single-mindedly hunt Yellow Eyes and nothing else - he did a ton of unrelated hunts along the way, and THAT’s not betraying his revenge arc. :P

I don’t think that point is overt in the text, but Dean seems to be upset and so I’d randomly guess that he had more weirdly romanticised notions in his head, because those keep floating up when it’s stuff with John or hunters, and everything ends up very storybook to him. Sam’s generally more realistic. He also can actually comprehend “Dad sex” that grosses Dean out so much like he’s not 5 years old, because his emotional maturity in some regards is way beyond Dean’s. I’m just going out on a limb and guessing Dean’s gross out about that ties in to all this other unspoken stuff. :P

* * *

Adam’s got the backpack & hoodie combination that makes him look young and student-y and reminiscent of season 1 Sam.

* * *

> ADAM  
> How did he die?
> 
> SAM  
> On the job.
> 
> ADAM  
> He was a mechanic, right?
> 
> DEAN  
> A car fell on him.

Hehe, Dean is just… so… grumpy. I don’t even know, when you have a fave they can be a total jackass and you’re like “that’s adorable do it again”

He’s got zero time for “Adam”, and that jealousy, I think, is here even before he’s passed all the tests. Because he’s casually talking about John like he knew him, but of course by only knowing he’s a mechanic it sort of proves how much he DOESN’T know him, and so Dean’s sense that if “Adam” did know John for real, it’s STILL not a deserved relationship.

Also he may still be a monster at this point as far they think.

Dean flips when he finds out Adam learned to drive in Baby. Like, there’s some exposed nerves in Dean that just aren’t worth touching. Doesn’t even matter that Baby was probably still John’s at this point or that “Adam” has now passed their monster tests and Dean’s resentfully put away his gun. He’s just angry that Adam has an overlap with their crappy childhood. 

And yet, none of the crappiness.

Him being a student and representing season 1 Sam is also making a parallel once again with not being in the life and doing something socially aspirant that Winchesters don’t get to have. We’re getting a ton of focus on Dean and I know Sam sort of tries adopting “Adam” for a little while in the middle of the episode. We’re sort of missing reaction shots from him, but Adam represents the borderline normal that someone could grow up with while connected to them.

(Of course he got eaten by ghouls because nice things aren’t allowed to happen to their family but eh. :P)

* * *

I think ghoul!Adam is casually calling John “dad” in a way Adam might not? When the real thing finally resurfaces (lol sorry) he’s admittedly got very clear priorities because of the stakes at hand at the sharp end of the apocalypse, but he is much more vocal about disowning his family connection to them, while ghoul!Adam is probably sort of using it as part of his manipulation? I wonder if Adam only ever called him John, or if “dad” was encouraged?

* * *

> SAM  
> September twenty-ninth, two thousand four. One word. ‘Minnesota.’ 

So later when John did think there was a chance the boys might find his journal one way or another (that’s a year before canon starts) he was labelling it in a sort of shorthand code to himself. 

* * *

*Dean’s betrayal grows* just stab me it would be less painful than the way he says “he took you to a baseball game?”

I am pretty sure he spends this entire exchange moments away from just  _crying_. Especially when he’s looking at the photo of John and Adam looking happy, or the photos of him and Kate together (and she’s all blonde and smiley and not Mary. 

Argh.

I suppose all the photos are from after this later reconnection, so he sort of rekindled things with her? And then I suppose they had whatever arrangement it was that means there’s still photographic evidence of their relationship all over the place, but he didn’t know he was dead for 2 years.

Once Dean realises there is actually a case here he swallows it down and agrees to help look for Kate - probably trying to turn this into an “every other day of the week” situation (and having the hunt to do helps him cope because it’s his normal… any point making it more depressing pointing out how Adam wouldn’t have been able to do this for himself if he weren’t a ghoul because he was never raised up to cope with these things, so in the moment before we find out, it’s John’s kids who were raised up as warriors having to come in and save the normal civilian one).

* * *

The photoshop department was getting a bit better at their job by this episode. Compared to 2x20 they’re pretty great. :P They even managed to do the thing where they slipped John into an old newspaper article and didn’t make it look too awful. 

* * *

Ahaha, “Adam” tells Dean he thinks he’s a mechanic too. Like with 2x20 again, that was one where John had been a mechanic and Dean was in his footsteps: Sam was the kid who escaped and made it to law school. Now we have Adam who made it to med school, and Sam… drifting. What IS his place in this episode?

He’s been off investigating the historical case that brought John here in the first place while Dean investigates the present day problems. Sam is on the journey of family discovery, but positively, and so he embraces the idea of who Adam might be, and then does a twisted version of what people tracing their family roots do, and starts looking into the history (my American cousins came over to trace their roots and we spent some time in graveyards searching for family in an example of how graveyards and family history intersect normally. :P In this case there’s grave ROBBINGS that Sam discovers when archive diving, and it’s the Milligans dead in the mausoleum that Dean will discover when he is investigating the family history :P) 

I suppose combined with Sam trying to bond with “Adam” that’s him trying to reconnect with this missing branch of the family. They do have more in common, though Sam has now very much branched off from being the same as Adam (just last episode he was struggling to remember his LSAT score).

* * *

Dean fails at rock paper scissors and takes it pretty badly. (Still don’t think he does the thing where he intentionally loses to protect Sammy, because that was a real “Dammit!” moment and I tracked a lot of instances back in season 1 when Sam was much more in “need” of protection if he ever was going to be, and Dean made him do the gross stuff.)

* * *

Groooss. 

And ew Dean’s got blood smears on his jeans when we switch scenes. You guys need to do your laundry more than once every 4 seasons.

* * *

Hey, it’s the rug!

Probably, like, rug of family, since this is right when “Adam” is challenging them to tell him what they actually are/do. 

This is a very fishing-based room as well, with a river mural and fishing rod and related paraphernalia in the room divider thingy. Because, you know, bait. Because this IS a trap.

(Noteworthy instance I can think of aside from this: Born Under A Bad Sign when Sam was possessed by Meg)

* * *

> ADAM  
> Okay, so…basically, you’re saying that every movie monster, every nightmare that I’ve ever had, that’s all real?
> 
> DEAN  
>  _Godzilla’_ s just a movie.

Did I mention bad tempered Dean is my favourite thing? :P

* * *

> ADAM  
> Okay.
> 
> DEAN  
> “Okay”? That’s it?
> 
> ADAM  
> What am I supposed to say?
> 
> DEAN  
> That we’re liars, that we’re crazy. Nobody just says “okay.”
> 
> ADAM  
> Well, you’re my brothers. You’re telling me the truth, right?
> 
> DEAN  
> Yeah.
> 
> ADAM  
> Then I believe you.

WOW that unlocks a pissed off look from Dean we haven’t seen before. :P Like if he was bad-tempered moments ago, that was nothing. 

I wonder if this was at all thematically relevant to anything else happening this season or about to happen literally next episode or anything?

It doesn’t help that in his grumpiness Dean has partitioned himself off from them: Sam and “Adam” are talking across the space between beds, quite close, and Dean is away in the corner sitting at the table, throwing in grumpy interjections while Sam honestly tries to bond with their new brother. This is in contrast to before the cut where Dean was sitting on the bed, so I can imagine “Adam” sat down and Dean got up and moved to the corner, and Sam swooped in to take a more sympathetic space. He presumably did most of the talking too.

* * *

Sam n Dean then argue loudly about what to do with Adam and if to let him help:

> SAM  
> He lost his mother. Maybe we can understand what that feels like.
> 
> DEAN  
> Why do you think Dad never told us about this kid, Sam? Huh? Why do you think he ripped out the pages?
> 
> SAM  
> Because—
> 
> DEAN  
> Because he was protecting him!
> 
> SAM  
> Dad’s dead, Dean.
> 
> DEAN  
> That doesn’t matter! He didn’t want Adam to have our lives, okay? And we are gonna respect his wishes.

I just find it horrifically tragic that however angry Dean is about what John did and how he coddled Adam to keep him safe and how he’s jealous Adam therefore got this rare amount of parental love from John that Dean clearly feels he lacks… he still will do what John wanted and try to protect Adam from this world and not let him get sucked into it all. Dean is interpreting John’s actions for orders in the event that they find Adam (I’m wondering if John leaving in cryptic one line messages about coming here was for the event they discovered Adam to have these breadcrumbs to put the story together, as well as the missing pages with their left over ends).

Having discerned what John wanted for this kid, Dean basically has no choice but to take that route no matter how he feels about Adam. (Which is mostly, I think, that he’d just go away and leave them alone and they can forget this ever happened, because Dean’s emotional range often stays somewhere around 4 years old. Argh.)

* * *

Anyway Sam and Dean both yell at Adam like he doesn’t have a say in what happens to him, because even if they have different positions on it, they both feel they’re in a privileged position of knowing what’s best for “Adam” because of them knowing more about hunting.

* * *

Aaand here we have Sam handing “Adam” a gun to teach him how to shoot, for the reason of “I know what it’s like to want revenge” - referring us to the recap of John saying how he and Sam are alike. Kate is now “Adam’s” revenge story like Mary or Jess was to John and Sam, and Sam would be (if the kid wasn’t a ghoul) leading him right down that same path. 

It is EXTREMELY tragic, not least because 4x01 paralleled Sam’s revenge arc against Lilith to John and Azazel just as a WARM UP for his arc this season, and so he’s riiight in the middle of a huge cautionary tale of this family personality trait’s awfulness.

* * *

Meanwhile: Dean is investigating the case. Wearing the long coat, because mmm. Lovely shots of a little sliver of graveyard beyond the dark mausoleum:

> CEMETERY DIRECTOR  
> Tell me, Agent Nugent, have you thought about where you might like to spend eternity?
> 
> DEAN  
> All the damn time.

* * *

And then because we’re hurrying the plot along now because we’re halfway through the episode and it’s all been family drama, we go to the bar to investigate some more: Dean’s getting a huge helping of exposition. :P

Checker board!

Coming so soon after the last random question I kinda feel like we’re getting a little commentary here: Dean’s asked where he wants to spend eternity, and then we’re shown him up against game board imagery: he’s just a pawn in a bigger chess game which decides that for him. He’s already been to Hell because they wanted him there… Now Heaven is moving him around the board.

The nice bartender has roses on her shirt, which are probably symbolic of something too, but I don’t want to just immediately make the leap of white + rose = Endverse Lucifer because that’s too obvious and also at this point, probably not specific imagery? Got to keep it in context. :P

* * *

Anyway I find it interesting she mistakes him for FBI… Well, I mean, he  _is_  posing as, but he’s just a guy in a suit. Something about him vibes it strongly enough that she doesn’t have to be told that he’s here investigating. I dunno if it’s just part of how Dean is actually a good actor or at least, good at inhabiting these roles he takes on. 

* * *

> ADAM  
> Sam…how did Dad really die?
> 
> SAM  
> Demon.
> 
> ADAM  
> You hunted it down? Got revenge?
> 
> SAM  
> Dean killed it.
> 
> ADAM  
> So it’s over for you.
> 
> SAM  
> It’s never over.

Urgh. 

Here’s the depressing Sam and Adam stuff I was waiting for, because of course Adam had a few superficial Sam traits like being a college student and stuff, so here’s Sam telling basically a mirror of his younger self how there’s no escaping the life once they’re in it and go down that revenge path… (Which, you know, he does overtly to a representation of his younger self in 4x21)

* * *

I suppose “Adam” would have let the other ghoul snatch Sam if Dean hadn’t come rushing in at that precise moment, and so “Adam” lends a hand saving Sam and gives them another reason to sort of trust him a bit more.

Meanwhile Dean poses a lot.

* * *

Oops, Sam wants to use “Adam” as bait.

Uh, he IS bait but they’re using him to hunt you. :P

But yeah. “Adam” is weirdly eager to join in and help and not leave town, so once again he and Sam are teamed up, and then we get a little montage of Sam teaching him to shoot and giving him the basics of hunting.

Dean of course wanted to get him to Bobby’s for his own safety now they’ve got a responsibility for him, and so he’s doing what he thinks John wants - meanwhile Sam wanting to use Adam as bait is rather more in the line of what John probably would have DONE in this situation, seeing as he used his sons he spent rather more time with as bait as well, when they were a great deal younger and less capable. More parallels where Sam just kinda is John way more effortlessly than Dean - and again with the season 1 stuff I often pointed out, where Dean is trying to do an ideal good version of what he thinks John would want: the heroic side of hunting, while Sam is realistic and practical but makes these choices of using people as bait in line with the less ideal way John worked.

* * *

I feel kind of bad for Sam bonding with “Adam” so much considering. He occasionally takes people under his wing, rarely, and gets the focus of emotional bonding. In this case he’s basically giving “Adam” a crash course in how Sam slipped from being what Adam was:

> SAM  
> Being a hunter isn’t a job, Adam. It’s life. You’re pre-med. You got a girlfriend, friends?
> 
> ADAM nods.
> 
> SAM  
> Not anymore you don’t. If you’re really gonna do this, you can’t have those kinds of connections, ever. They’re weaknesses. You’ll just put those people in danger, get them killed.
> 
> DEAN, across the room, looks away.
> 
> SAM  
> That’s the price we pay. You cut 'em out, and you don’t look back. There’s only one thing you can count on. Family.

This is what Sam has learned and how he’s lost that old sense of idealism about a normal life that he strived for. It’s tragic to see how he’s lost all of that, especially when talking to Adam who at this point in the narrative to Sam represents what he once was: he literally tells Adam he’s going to have to discard parts of his identity - treasured parts - to do what they do.

And then he says the thing about family… Of course, at least for his conclusion in Kripke era with Lucifer showing him his entire life outside his family was a demon-manufactured sham, for Sam this actually turns out to be kinda true, in a different, even more depressing way. Right now though, he’s regretting any ties he had because he’s still upset about Jess deep down and the lesson he took from that was the one the demons wanted, keeping him on the job because he’s scared to settle again right now.

Of course there are people they count on - Bobby, for one. He just gets umbrella’d into “family” although despite how they’ve been shown staying with him many times now, he and Sam STILL haven’t had a proper bonding moment, while Dean n Bobby have had multiple.

Sam just doesn’t get close to people. :P

But Adam is family and so Sam assumes that those obligations to family change how they relate and so he’s “safe” to adopt, and so for once he’s getting close to someone else. 

(And that’s why I feel bad for him. Bah.)

* * *

Anyway, Dean is feeling like that’s total crap from Sam. 

> DEAN  
> 'Hunting is life. You can’t have connections.’ Dad gave you that exact same speech, remember? It was just before you ditched us for Stanford. You hated Dad for saying that stuff, and now you’re quoting him?
> 
> SAM  
> Yeah, well, turns out Dad was right.
> 
> DEAN  
> Since when?
> 
> SAM  
> Since always. Dean, when I look at Adam, you know what I see?
> 
> DEAN  
> A normal kid.
> 
> SAM  
> No. Meat. Because the demons and monsters out there, that’s all he is. I hated Dad for a long time. I did. But now I think I understand. So we didn’t have a dog and a white picket fence. So what? Dad did right by us. He taught us how to protect ourselves. Adam deserves the same.

You know you’re on a dark arc when you start turning into your dad. :P

I think the fact Sam HAS tried to be Adam and had it slip away from him has made him into this: like John he had a normal life (even if he was raised a hunter and then ran away to it) and then supernatural shit happened and he lost that life. Dean’s had an uninterrupted run of being a hunter, so to him normality is something not for him, coveted and special, and people should be encouraged to treasure it if they have it. Sam, once burned, just sees being normal as a vulnerability - especially since Adam is related to them which can only go badly. (Like, you know, how the fact he’s a blood relative ends up being what ruins his life for eternity in the long run :P) 

And yet, though he sees the necessity of this… at least this shows that both have their jealous feelings: 

> DEAN  
> I think it’s too late for us. This is our life. This is who we are, okay? And it’s fine. I accept that. But with Adam, he’s still got a chance, man. He can go to school. He could be a doctor.
> 
> SAM  
> What makes Adam so special?
> 
> DEAN  
> What, are you jealous of the kid?
> 
> SAM  
> Are you?

Anyway, through this all there’s some bitterness from Dean about being ditched for Stanford, probably some bitterness because Sam has ended up this way and lost his chance at normality. Definitely a load of conflicting feelings on what would have been best for Sam… And whether he would have wanted the chance to be normal. Generally he’s written as not wanting it, but this episode at the very least shows him bitter he never got the chance to  _know_  it so he could have an informed decision on if he wanted it or not.

I dunno. 

Sam saying so what they didn’t have a dog is profoundly wrong. THAT is how you know he’s on a dark arc.

> SAM  
> Dean…all this…it’s not real. The dad Adam knew—he wasn’t real. The things out there in the shadows—they are real. The world is coming to an end. That’s real. Everything else is just part of the crap people tell themselves to get through the day.
> 
> DEAN  
> Dad didn’t have a choice with us, okay? But with Adam, he did. Adam doesn’t have to be cursed.
> 
> SAM  
> He’s a Winchester. He’s already cursed.

I hate when they’re right about things :P

* * *

Really dramatic shot of Dean opening the mausoleum again. It practically wouldn’t be out of place in Monster Movie. :P

* * *

Dean’s Detect Secret Doors score is ridiculously high. It’s one of his most consistent traits. :P He did it in several episodes already.

* * *

Aaand now he’s climbing around in tunnels and underground again.

Him descending into the earth in this case is even more hellish than normal since the ghoul lair is all full of skeletons and body parts.

He seems a wee bit less traumatised by it, though I guess that was before he was buried alive. Very clever Dean.

Nope, there is no phone reception underground, well done.

* * *

Sam n “Adam” seal themselves in. Or, well, Sam seals himself in with the ghouls. Well done.

* * *

I do like the layering of back and forth scenes of them discovering who’s a ghoul.

* * *

Hey poor dead Adam. You were never a character. :P

* * *

We have surprisingly few ghouls on the show. I suppose since they normally scavenge then they wouldn’t draw attention unless there were either a lot of them or they killed someone for other reasons (like this)

* * *

> 'KATE’  
> Well, we are what we eat. 

I feel like this is a very very important line for all the various eating related things on the show. :P

Like right now Sam’s on his dark arc and drinking demon blood and his eyes go black.

I’ve always wondered what the effect on the ghouls would have been long term for drinking Sam’s blood at this point of the story.

And I always assume he’s so woozy and useless in 4x20 because all the bleeding sort of drained him of the demon blood too.

I don’t think it would have been very good for him, but eh, maybe they SHOULD have tried the medieval blood letting cure when they had him in the panic room. :P

* * *

And then the ghouls make a really heavy handed point about the idea of people being monsters being something relative - John’s a monster to them because he killed their father (? They seem to be siblings) and daddy ghoul never killed any humans, he was merely a scavenger and a monster by species, and for that John killed him.

(So many “didn’t finish the job” moments John passes on to his sons but especially ones where he made the situation worse, e.g. Kate and Adam die because John didn’t kill these 2 ghouls but they wouldn’t have attacked if he’d not killed their dad in the first place >.>)

Relative monster morality is a very ongoing thing, considering Sam’s affected by it all season where he does monstrous stuff for the greater good, and of course by later seasons the Winchesters and everyone around them is using relative morality to the situation to justify what they do rather than dealing in the sort of absolutes that were the idea when the show started. :P

* * *

It’s kinda gross but funny that the ghouls can take random bullets anywhere but as soon as you shoot them in the head it just explodes off at the neck.

Dean gets into wrestling “Adam” so he can’t shoot him: he gets his cathartic moment of smashing his head in instead. It’s scary. He did make his “you fuck with the memory of John Winchester to get us and I will kill you” threat very clear at the start of the episode, but still. Yiiikes.

This is not a sympathetic Dean episode unless you peer very hard between the cracks of his anger, bitterness and violence. Which is why you might think I’ve been over-describing my sympathetic viewpoint to him this particular rewatch but seriously, he’s been deep in angry resentful problematic fave territory this episode and if you’re just casually watching it he’s very hard to grapple with.

* * *

> DEAN  
> You know, I finally get why you and Dad butted heads so much. You two were practically the same person.
> 
> DEAN  
> I mean, I worshipped the guy, you know? I dressed like him, I acted like him, I listen to the same music. But you were more like him than I will ever be. And I see that now.
> 
> SAM  
> I’ll take that as a compliment.
> 
> DEAN  
> You take it any way you want.

_Yikes_.

I forgot about that.

Dean’s faith in John has been taking knocks basically since season 1, and he’s angrily rejected him in season 3, but this is still a very bitter moment, after his issues with John all through the episode thanks to discovering the secrets that he’d managed to keep for most of their lives. Of course, paralleled to Sam regarding secrets…

Well, The Rapture is the next episode and where Dean finally finds out about the demon blood, but he’s known for multiple episodes now that Sam still has his dark secrets that haven’t been shared. I can imagine in this moment he’s wondering darkly just what Sam is still keeping from him and being not at all surprised that he’s drawing this parallel.

Thinking of that. I really wanna watch the Rapture, so no more talking about this episode. :P


	20. 4x20

Oh man. This episode’s got Hindsight Awfulness that I’ve never had to deal with before when watching it. I’ve written buckets on a lot of other things about this episode, so apologies if this just turns into one long wail about grumpy cat or something.

I’d just like to say if you’re watching this for the first time and trying to avoid spoilers, this is not a good day for you:

Oh gosh I am three episodes from the end I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE SEASON?

* * *

*casually scrolls dash while waiting for the recap to finish and sees an edit of Claire holding her big ass sword from 10x20*

*then the gifset of her and grumpy cat*

*and then Jimmy & Amelia in Heaven*

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT STOP

All from different people too? It just felt like Angel Heart day suddenly on my dash. >.>

* * *

The recap ends with Sam and Chuck’s conversation and Sam’s like “I wish to God I could stop” and ha ha ha, I never caught that one before. He’s literally talking to the show’s probable god. Okay.

* * *

And on that note I am now totally emotionally compromised just by the time we get to Dean fishing.

I suppose last episode all the fishing stuff in the motel was to suggest someone was bait. Here Dean is the one fishing - he’s in control and happy. And we see him visibly take a big breath and relax.

Oh Dean. :( 

Never trust when the colours are nice and golden.

> CASTIEL   
> It’s not safe here. Someplace more private.   
>   
> DEAN   
> More private? We’re inside my head.   
>   
> CASTIEL   
> Exactly. Someone could be listening. 

Ehehe.

* * *

Aww that bit where the lake goes dark.

Aww Dean’s spiky hair when he wakes up.

Different tones of “aww” but I’m sad about both. :P

* * *

TBH that “there was a fight here” “Between who” could have reasonably answered with “Godzilla” as one of the opponents.

Wow the angels made a mess in here.

* * *

How on earth is Jimmy’s hair more of a mess than Cas’s? I thought Cas’s season 4 hair was supposed to be the pinnacle. But nope, there’s more dishevelment you can get out of that mop. 

I’ve always liked how they introduce him to us with a dirty face and pink nose like he really has been lying around in the cold after a fight. He just looks… so… human.

* * *

Another point for the Burgers of Humanity with them feeding Jimmy up to show he’s back to being a human guy with human needs.

Bonus points for the lack of trenchcoat which is sort of how you tell Cas n Jimmy apart: interesting that obviously both items of clothing are Jimmy’s but Cas has sort of absorbed the trenchcoat into his personality so much that it’s now his. :P

Also Jimmy would be aware of things like central heating and not want to wear the coat indoors, so not only is he discarding it so you can tell them apart but he’s doing it for human reasons.

…

*quietly clutches face and implodes about Cas taking off his coat to chill in the Bunker in 10x18*

_How am I sad about Charlie in the middle of season 4???_

* * *

… Jimmy talking is just reminding me about Cas impersonating Jimmy talking. 

> JIMMY   
> Yeah, bits and pieces. I mean, angel inside of you, it’s kinda like being chained to a comet.   
>   
> DEAN   
> Ah, that doesn’t sound like much fun.   
>   
> JIMMY   
> Understatement. 

Personal headcanon that angels and vessels are matched on several levels of compatibility, a major one of which for Cas n Jimmy was snark.

* * *

Which is WAY more important for vessel compatibility than all this boring destiny crap that make Sam n Dean good potential vessels.

* * *

Heh, I remember after 10x20 some people were complaining about Jimmy’s hair in Heaven, but it’s all disturbingly ironed down for this first dinner scene. And he’s  _uncomfortably_  clean-shaven. Brr.

[Originally posted by yourreactiongifs](https://tmblr.co/ZMseho1C8N--T)

* * *

I like how Cas first tries to contact Jimmy through the TV. TV is one of those little thematic things that pops up for Cas all over the place, whether he’s in the TV or watching it to learn more about humanity.

So his first communication coming through one is great. 

Also the whole angels are wavelengths things - instead of fully manifesting they show up as wavelengths that do things like turn on the TV and stuff. I think I remember the TV being affected in Houses of the Holy when the fake angel first appeared? And Dean in 4x01 had electronics going haywire around him in the gas station before Cas went off to pick up Jimmy.

I like the idea of them being delivered through a medium that can translate some of those wavelengths… Especially for where Cas is trying to possess a medium that can translate those wavelengths for everyone else, which is basically all Jimmy does for him. :P

Anyway Jimmy’s hair is a bit more mussed up from sleep as he approaches the TV, so I choose to believe that exposure to Cas causes spiky hair.

Which would also explain why Dean had the usual styled spiky hair when he got out of Hell. :P

* * *

> SAM   
> So, what do we do?   
>   
> DEAN   
> What do you mean? The guy’s got a family. We buy him a bus ticket, send him home. 

I am totally blanking on if this was one of those weird meta AUs I write or something else but I feel like there was a parallel I made about this. MAYBE just the Claire!Cas eventuality. Maybe another character in canon?

We did just have the episode with “Adam” where when it turned out the MotW might be hunting him they wanted to protect him by getting him out of town - though he had no family outside of them. The idea of sending him to Bobby’s for safe keeping until it was all over showed up, which is also something they contemplate here. And something they actually did with Anna in 4x10.

Hm. Can’t remember anyone who paralleled just this “send them home” part exactly though.

* * *

Anyway, in this case Sam wants to use Jimmy for what knowledge he might have and Dean wants to protect him by sending him away.

Sam is being super practical and Dean is reacting emotively again.

Dean always reacts emotively, his emotions are just all screwed up right now, making this a non good thing on the scale, compared to how he was probably the more reasonable one when they were talking about Sam wanting to use Adam as bait last episode. :P

* * *

I should probably mention I have decided to subscribe to the theory that Dean is a mess over this episode because Cas is gone for like goopy Destiel reasons as much as panicking about what’s going on with all this for more obvious reasons. I mean, he discards the information that there was an angel battle (Sam has to remind him of how strange this is) and that Jimmy is potentially still a very interesting person to other forces, AND that this might only be temporary and Cas will be back. 

Dean’s basically just rejecting Jimmy’s presence at this point even if it is out of compassion, like, send him home, he’s not our problem. He’s concerned for getting Jimmy back to his family but that just gives us the idea of him as a family man with a wife and kid and I swear it’s like one of those  _you didn’t tell me you were married_  things. Like, awkwaaard. So let’s just work on the assumption this is somewhat a story of a dude finding out the guy he had a crush on has been married all along even if that’s not technically what is happening. :P

(But it is sort of how it looks to Dean - he’s realising that Cas having Jimmy as his vessel has these attachments which is as good as him actually being married for the fact it causes such a problem.)

* * *

Sam talks Dean into keeping Jimmy around, and then lurks in the background and makes Dean deliver the news to him: like how last episode Sam hogged a significant amount of interaction with Adam, now Dean is in the foreground with all these interactions with Jimmy, making it much more about their dynamic, or, lack of one. Obviously this is for reasons of Dean being closer to Cas than Sam was, and his grumpy behaviour to Jimmy likewise is influenced because he’s the one feeling the absence of his friend, which is a textual level explanation for why Dean has more contact with Jimmy.

* * *

Jimmy gets worked up and walks into Dean’s space to complain loudly into his face: when the camera flips back to Dean, it reveals he’s been looking away for at least a portion of this, unable to make eye contact, probably quite weirded out by not-Cas being this normal-sounding guy with a ton of facial expressions and none of the smoulder.

I’m willing to bet there’s a great deal of guilt too: all season Cas has been mentioning his doubt to Dean, and Dean’s seen multiple times that Cas has been reprimanded and demoted for the sake of his interest in him - he expressly said that it was because he was getting too close to Dean, and then he had the minor rebellion last time they talked before the dream, and then in the dream Cas did something which when they went to meet him, had gotten him attacked by angels - as Sam helpfully reminded Dean when he was apparently trying not to think of that. So Jimmy is also a walking reminder that Cas - the thing Dean had got attached to - is gone from inside him, and it’s probably his fault. 

(It’s definitely his fault. And the end of the episode makes that clear.)

Anyway he could have been arguing to just send Jimmy home because he assumed the worst about Cas and that he’d never see him again and so what value was Jimmy to him now - he’s just a guy with a family who’ll never be the thing Dean had just started to grow close to.

* * *

Jimmy sleeping is adorable and he has developed a huge cowlick. 

Meanwhile Sam sneaks off to be sneaky.

I’d say they should have noticed that Jimmy went to bed wearing his shoes, but Dean’s conked out flat on his back on top of the covers fully dressed, so Jimmy without the trenchcoat is technically naked in comparison.

Just, he was under the blankets and that’s weird with shoes involved.

* * *

Now Sam is in front of a vending machine (which I have been informed everyone has been interpreting as abundant choice) and drinking his demon blood supplies. Which don’t come from a vending machine. I suppose with the little snippet we got of his conversation from 4x18 with Chuck about how he wished he could stop, we see him not selecting anything from the vending machine because he has no choice in this matter: it’s also the episode where it becomes much more clear this is an addiction. Hinted at before, but this is where we get the dodgy side of it main text because there are ALWAYS repercussions.

* * *

Dean comes to laugh at Sam for Jimmy giving him the slip, and now HE is the one brushing his teeth compared to last episode where Sam was. Um. I don’t know why but it feels like these little things are being reversed for them, but it also seems so trivial with the toothbrush thing I honestly don’t know what that might be unless it is just that they feel like showing us the fact they need to brush their teeth and do their laundry from time to time. :P

Dean was in front of the vending machine when he gave in and made the choice to pray and summon Cas when he desperately needed him: Sam is in front of a vending machine and drinking Ruby’s blood and his desperation for her grows over the episode.

*shrugs*

(Oh wait, if we’re adding up parallels from before, there’s the toothbrush and vending machine, but 4x19 also started with SAM looking out over a lake, and of course this episode has a much more prominent use of a lake… The toothbrush parallels are a part of this! Linking all these episodes up with random moments so the bigger story parallels are more clearly joined too…?)

* * *

Aww Jimmy on a bus. Like Cas on a bus but with worse hair and no coat!

* * *

Cas must be wild at parties. 

“I dare you to stick your hand in this boiling water”

“No way.”

“If you have faith you will do it.”

“This is why people don’t invite us places Cas”

* * *

Menawhile: Anna does not need invitations.

She is the party crasher.

> ANNA   
> Sam. You seem different.   
>   
> SAM   
> Me? I don’t know. Heh. A haircut? 

I think he actually has had a haircut? I was musing that his hair was getting dangerously close to season 7 levels of shagginess, but it is also unwashed this episode and he was taking moderately good care of it before? I think he’s got grungy hair to signal his descent so it’s kinda funny he draws attention to it.

* * *

Jimmy and snow! A variation on my favourite theme of Cas and snow. :P

He’s had to put the coat back on which means I see gifsets of this tagged Cas all the time.

Guys he has a pink nosey wose because it is cold and he is human. 

*tries to reach through the screen to give Jimmy a scarf*

* * *

Awww Claire doing your homework. :( *tries to send her hugs too, while she is still a small child who is sad but does her homework still* How much homework do you think she ever bothered with after this? :(

(Aaaargh Angel Heart having a subplot of “do your homework” delivered by Dad Dean. What WAS that episode?)

* * *

I like how Jimmy’s hair in the flashback is all sideways but kind of spiky now. Cas’s influence on him is growing. :3 

I’ve never been clear on the timeline. It seems like Cas had to grab Jimmy to communicate with Dean, and his last failed attempt wasn’t too long before they summoned him, so even assuming he started reaching out to his vessel in between drive by screechings at Dean in 4x01, this was like… 2-3 days? Tops? 

I dunno. Someone has probably either explained or handwaved this already, because it’s been so long. :P

* * *

> JIMMY   
> He didn’t say. He just said that God has chosen me for a higher purpose.   
>   
> AMELIA   
> To do what?   
>   
> JIMMY   
> No, it’s God’s will. Not really my place to question it. 

This is pretttty snarky, but I’m starting to wonder if that was mostly Misha’s fault since it came a lot through the delivery. :P

He could have made Jimmy a lot more boring and played up the dull Christian husband thing. (I still kinda think what with Jimmy being home cooking a fancy dinner and Amelia wandering in with groceries late at night, that he may have had the lighter workload of the two… He definitely enjoyed complicated cooking for the family and Amelia basically just makes him a sandwich for dinner later in the episode, and they don’t seem to have taken a huge financial knock with Jimmy missing. Do we ever find out what Amelia did?)

* * *

I think Jimmy’s faith is one of the worse things about all this. Yeah, he’s got being a vessel in his blood, so it’s sort of moot how MUCH he believes although obviously angel vessels should ideally actually, you know, consider that angels are a thing so angels don’t get turned away at the door. :P But he really believes he’s been picked for a higher purpose, and he doesn’t seem to know exactly what it is Cas wants from him until the moment Cas asks for permission to possess him. His conversation with Amelia is full of faith that this is a really good thing and that they’ll all benefit from it because wow it’s angels and god stuff happening TO HIM. When instead their entire family is destroyed.

Blargh.

* * *

> JIMMY   
> Yes, I understand. Promise my family will be okay and I’ll do it … Then, yes. 

I think this is probably the most beautiful thing about season 10 though - Cas only got Jimmy’s permission in the first place on the understanding that he’d look after his family. Obviously he’s been super busy between now and then, but as soon as Cas was at loose ends for plot, they came back to this. And Cas’s remorse was genuine, and all his human experience and so on helped him through the arc in a way he couldn’t have done before… It WAS the right time to find Claire and Amelia and do what he could for them, because it was the first time Cas was A: completely plot adrift, and B: emotionally ready to even get close to wanting/understanding the need to chase up his vessel’s family.

It was tragic as hell, but the fact that they ran out of Cas storyline at the start of the season and went back to this? I know some people were grumpy all season about how he was spending so much time away and that they’d run out of plot, but we see all the way back here that Claire’s safety was a consideration Cas SHOULD have made because of this promise, and obviously didn’t because, well, he just didn’t get it. He had a detached gratitude to Jimmy (I mean his idea of a happy ending was that Jimmy did a good job and could go to Heaven as a result when he’s dying at the end of the episode)… The idea of him chasing around making sure Claire was going to school and Amelia was coping with Jimmy’s loss is ridiculous to imagine for Cas basically for the entire of seasons 4-9 when there’s so much else happening. (I suppose human!Cas in early season 9 could have done it but they’d have been looking after him rather than his promise to look after them.)

* * *

Oh no, Claaaire. :( Poor child. :( “I am not your father” … *sobs and reaches for her to hug* 

There’s really nothing to say about her that isn’t just angry sobbing about Cas showing up like “Hi I’m still not your father” and Claire’s HOPE when she sees him again and then the mirroring of this… :(

She’s got another little moment of hope where it’s genuinely her dad downstairs, and she comes down to see him and Amelia sends her away because she doesn’t want to make any promises to Claire OR Jimmy that they’ll see each other more from now on. Blaaah.

* * *

> JIMMY   
> I was – I was confused, Amelia. I was completely delusional. And I thought – I thought God was calling me to something and I thought that it was important, and I was wrong. I was such an idiot. Heaven, hell … none of that matters. The only thing that’s important to me is you and Claire. And I – I can’t undo what I’ve done. But I just wanna come home again. 

*sobbing* 

Jimmy’s the forerunner in losing faith. :P Well, we don’t know how Dean’s feeling - he hasn’t stated an opinion since Tessa tried to talk him down from his mid season 4 bubble of optimism about the whole thing in 4x15 and then obviously 4x16 gave him a horrible knock… I’d guess he doesn’t REALLY lose faith until 4x22 makes it pretty obvious that Heaven’s plans are a joke. 

And he and Cas together have a final blow about God’s purpose in it all in Dark Side of the Moon.

So really Jimmy’s the champion of the “figured it was all a scam” race. :P

* * *

(Which is Cas’s fault. :P)

* * *

> SAM   
> Where the hell are you, Ruby? This isn’t funny any more. I’m all out. Stop whatever you’re doing. Call me. I need more. 

I like how Dean is in the background, I dunno, stargazing or something. He’s extremely disconnected. :P He was sleeping while Sam was drinking blood, brushing his teeth when Sam was stressing about losing Jimmy, now he’s chilling refilling the car while Sam has a meltdown on the phone to Ruby. I like to think of this as a representation of “no Cas no care” :P Even though Anna popped up to stress the urgency of the situation, Dean never seems to totally get on board with it.

Actually screencapping to point out the red and blue lights mixing together, which are a little stronger on my main monitor (you can see the table by Sam and coffee maker have red on them). Red and blue lights have shown up in that jukebox in 4x01 and 4x15 which were pertinent Sam’s dark arc moments (4x01 when he’s exorcising things with his mind for the first time, 4x15 when Dean is challenging him about the secrets Sam admitted he was keeping) so this shows up when Sam is about to finally have his secret blown open, and also when he’s talking to Ruby about running out of blood, which is what causes him to reveal his secret by mistake.

I think the light might also be coming from another vending machine.

I was already suggesting red and blue together was moral choices, and then vending machines mean choice too?

* * *

(I don’t think Sam has much choice at this point TBH although he could have told Dean what was up earlier.)

* * *

Nooooo Jimmy hugging Claire.

Claaaire. :(

And they all have their glasses of milk and sandwiches.

This family is creepy. Sorry but they are. :P Drinking milk at dinner is weird.

I suppose it’s symbolic or something but I just can’t get over that it’s weird.

* * *

You know Jimmy is pretty brave for attacking a demon with no experience. And he does the salt line and everything. They’d have been OK if they just trusted Jimmy because he does everything right. :3 

Once Amelia figures out what’s up she jumps on a demon as well to protect Jimmy. Aw cute family leaping on demons for each other. :D 

Well I mean this is horrifically emotionally scarring for her and Claire, but…

* * *

*is sad about Amelia and Claire sleeping in the backseat of the car*

… Isn’t the next time Claire’s in the back of that car when Cas is hugging her at the end of 10x09?

Now I’m just actively making myself sad.

* * *

> JIMMY   
> How long? And don’t give me that “cross that bridge when we get to it” crap.   
>   
> SAM   
> Don’t you get it? Forever. The demons will never stop. You can never be with your family. So you either get as far away from them as possible or you put a bullet in your head. And that’s how you keep your family safe. But there’s no getting out and there’s no going home. 

Yet another seriously scary moment from Sam like last episode where he was indoctrinating “Adam” to the joys of a revenge quest. Now it’s the whole “never go home” thing from 1x01 that happened to him now happening to Jimmy. 

(I mean he already knows how to deal with demons and isn’t scared to start beating one up so he’d have probably made a pretty ace hunter with a little firearm training *shrugs*)

But yeah, he’s full on welcome to the life everything is now terrible and you will become a bitter miserable shell of your former self mode this week.

For some reason.

* * *

Jimmy told his life is ruined:

Look at him with his wings and halo in the background lights. :( 

(As much as I am delighted to have Cas back when he returns, it’s so sad seeing Jimmy haunted by what he agreed to, so much so that after this talk he basically has Cas looming up behind him again as an inevitable outcome.)

* * *

*sobbing because Claire is sleeping under the trenchcoat*

Because the trenchcoat is Cas and Cas said he would protect her and then he didn’t but then a million years later he doooooooes.

Also, I suppose, foreshadowing that Claire is very imminently about to be Cas.

* * *

ALSO Amelia is a demon so her apology is fake.

I suppose it doesn’t really matter since they’ve already had the last time they ever talk before they see each other in Heaven, and that’s when Amelia was trying to fight a demon for him. So her moment of “oh my god he wasn’t lying!” is there on screen and then she tries to protect him… but yeah the last things they say to each other is her screaming at him for being crazy because he beat up their neighbour >.> Whoops.

This family is weird but a tragedy.

> AMELIA   
> For how long?   
>   
> JIMMY   
> We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. 

Aw Jimmy. Turning into a Winchester in like 3 conversations with them. :P

* * *

Honestly, did we NEED a reaction shot from Dean drifting by to watch Jimmy sorrowfully saying goodbye to his family?

We get Sam saying bitter stuff about being dragged from your normal comfy life, but we get shots of Dean looking sadly at the result of it… He’s emotionally invested in Cas waaay more than Jimmy, though he could be sad just that this is happening to the guy, but I mean we also get the angle that he comes over when Jimmy is having this really sweet sad moment hugging Amelia and showing affection to his wife, and you look at Dean seeing someone who looks like Cas being all sad and affectionate, and NOT Cas. It’s probably unsettling him on a really weird level where he’s in no way prepared to think about why it’s weird, but it IS weird to see not-Cas like this.

I’m not saying he’s actually jealous, but he’s looking at this scene from a very strange viewpoint of it being not like the friend he’s just started to get to know, and counts as an early early example of Dean being given reaction shots to Cas (or Jimmy in this case) with women. Because, you know, jealous Dean is totally a thing later. :P

* * *

*Jimmy forehead bumps Claire in farewell*

what a weird family.

She says to stop herself from being sad about everything. Because Jimmy and Claire never really get a chance to talk again, do they? One’s always going to be possessed from this point onwards.

* * *

Jimmy asleep in the back of the car, still not wearing the trenchcoat, just… carrying it around. Using it as a pillow. 

I find it rather sweet how he and Claire both use it to make themselves comfy while sleeping.

* * *

> DEAN   
> Well for starters, what’s going on with your mojo? I mean, it’s yo-yoing all over the place. I’m not trying to pick a fight here, okay? I just – you’re scaring me, man.   
>   
> SAM   
> I’m scaring myself. 

I kind of think this was a cry for help from Sam? Except that Dean doesn’t pick up on it or doesn’t have a chance to since events move too quickly. I think this comment might help him by sitting in his mind while he has to deal with Sam at the end of the episode/justifying what they do to him next episode just because this comment did hang in the air between them for a moment.

* * *

Blargh, Jimmy puts the coat back on when they get to their standard creepy warehouse. 

He spends a lot of time shrugging it on and rolling his shoulders like it doesn’t really fit him any more. It feels like an invitation to Cas, given how he put it on before he went to get possessed by him the first time, so it’s paralleling that moment (the first time we saw him looking in a mirror to put it on - now we just see him from behind). 

And now he has his big depressing yelling match with the sky.

> JIMMY   
> Castiel, you son of a bitch! You promised me my family would be okay. You promised you were gonna take care of them. I gave you everything you asked me to give. I gave you more. This is the thanks I get? This is what you do? This is your heaven? Help me, please. You promised, Cas. Just help me. 

Things I love about this: the overlapping dialogue to random cuts of him pacing around yelling. The camera angle looking down on him, like Cas is watching from above. I call it Cas POV because I can. :P

Jimmy is obviously justifiably angry with Cas, and how he hasn’t lived up to his promises. Cas possessing Claire also doesn’t technically count as looking after his family when he’s going to let Jimmy die and wander off with Claire, so it’s only when Jimmy MAKES him switch back to protect her that he really does any meaningful to humans gesture to looking after the family here (Cas… really doesn’t get all the fine details. :P He thinks Jimmy going to Heaven is the best and Claire would probably be blessed to be his vessel and… yeah Cas you don’t get this whole “human” thing yet, do you?

But Cas DOES come back and try and honour that promise in the way he understands, even though his return is him as grumpy robot rebooted by Naomi to factory settings. Even though he has had his Dean Winchester feelings area of his brain temporarily turned off, he comes back to honour this promise to Jimmy.

I am an emotion and it is Cas and the Novaks.

* * *

And Jimmy is so brave going off to confront the demon. It’s so sad, having just the Novaks in this scene for a moment with (Cas!)Claire tied up, and Amelia possessed and Jimmy…

> JIMMY   
> Listen, I’m – I’m begging you here. You do whatever you want with me, but my wife and daughter, they’re just – they’re not a part of this. 

*sobbing* He thought good things would happen because an angel was interested in him. :(

* * *

> SAM   
> Nice plan, Dean.   
>   
> DEAN   
> Yeah, well, nobody bats 1,000. 

Dean’s disengagement in the story continues - he COULD have come up with some sort of clever plan although the story is genuinely just not calling for it here, but he’s been so laissez faire about the whole thing except that random sad look at Jimmy and Amelia in the car that it seems quite believable that he flubbed this because of his lack of engagement in the moment. The plan also could have been to just get caught and all brought into one place, but eh. :P They don’t do anything clever after this - it’s Cas showing up that solves everything. There seems to be a focus on Dean’s crappiness this episode.

So I believe that Dean was responsible for coming up with some half-assed plan to sneak in, and Sam (who’s in his own bad way at the moment) went along with it and got caught along with him because the Winchesters are just totally off their game that day.

It’s just interesting looking at this episode and wondering WHAT is up with Dean since he obviously don’t have a reason the same as Sam. I know I’ve mostly been looking at Jimmy and the comments about Dean are quite at random through this episode, but he just hasn’t done much - he’s been around to be a presence to talk about stuff and run in and join the fight in the house, but he hasn’t contributed. 

I dunno, he definitely has a problem all episode and it’s not explored in the text. He doesn’t have an issue with going to find Cas in the open and his dream was peaceful, so it seems within the emotional range of the episode to be all about events IN the episode. He’s going through a very rough time with Sam especially considering how last episode ended and Dean’s ongoing issues with Sam’s dark arc (they talk a bit about how Dean’s unhappy about how he doesn’t get what’s up with Sam on the way here)… 

But Dean NORMALLY reacts to Sam in one way, and deals with the unrelated problem of the week competently. Just last episode we saw him yell at Sam TWICE and then stomp off to go do case work with interviews and investigating the ghouls’ lair and so on, where he was distracting himself from the fight with the job, which he did very normally. When it comes to this episode, we have the contrast that he’s disinterested and not coming up with any helpful suggestions for what to do about the situation - rather than bury himself in the job as normal, he’s doing terribly at it and at first came up with solutions to make it not their problem, like Jimmy should just bugger off and live his own life (so when he runs off Dean is hardly bothered because he sort of agreed at first Jimmy should go back).

I dunno, I always try and talk myself at least a little out of Destiel theories just to make sure there’s alternate explanations and stuff to weigh against them but with the wider picture it just seems more likely that Dean is emotionally messed up by the disappearance of Cas, and the contrast from him to being Jimmy with his family is just making more of a mess for Dean to deal with, emotionally, because he has to cope with this non-Cas guy in his place, and so he’s dealing terrible with the case as well as with Sam.

And given the intentional use of Cas and Dean’s relationship as a (supposedly platonic) foil to Sam x Ruby meaning they get relationship parallels through the season, and then the occasional erotic subtext thrown in, I’m kind of struggling not to see Season 4 as really genuinely very Destiel-y, even if it’s in these really really early days with a very subtle feel to it? Obviously this isn’t, like… planned or structured, but there’s a load of stuff already set up, so I think it’s fair to just let this episode be about this interpretation. :P

(I kind of came into the episode wondering about it because I’ve read this interpretation a few times in various places and agreed on principle but not given it a lot of thought when rewatching for it, so I figured why not this time and I’m now very willing to accept it :P)

* * *

Oops Jimmy got shot. :( Poor Jimmy. 

* * *

Hi scary Claire!Cas.

* * *

Haven’t seen Cas smite many things, actually. I think Claire!Cas might be the first time we see him do it? Unless I’ve missed something. He’s not really been around demons much and we saw him fail to smite Alastair in 4x10.

* * *

Aww Sam no. *sigh* I did not raise you up to be like this. *disappointed parent look at my giant blood drinking demonic child*

Prooobably the worst bit of the season is that bit where Dean flinches when Sam goes to exorcise Amelia and Dean hasn’t seen her sneaking up behind them so he thinks Sam might be about to attack them.

I mean his face before that isn’t exactly cheerful. 

* * *

*Cas continues to be a terrible people person*

Jimmy doesn’t even look at Amelia coming over to watch him sacrifice himself to save Claire. Jimmyyy. I think it’s so important he does this to save Claire, but also important that he was kinda going to be dead anyway… Not that I mean like he was saving himself, but that he was on borrowed time as Cas’s vessel for the rest of the season and so when he eventually died then he was still kinda just going on to Heaven where he would have been anyway? 

I dunno why that feels important to me it just does. :P Like, for the whole “Cas walking around in dead Jimmy’s skin” thing.

* * *

Poor Claire, though. Brief possession and then just left there watching her dad get up and walk away from her without looking back. 

You owe her so many grumpy cats, Cas. >.> 

* * *

Cas’s gravelly voice seems so out of place suddenly. :P 

> DEAN   
> Cas, hold up. What were you gonna tell me?   
>   
> CASTIEL   
> I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don’t serve man, and I certainly don’t serve you. 

I don’t know whether to point at Naomi’s reprogramming technique or Metatron sayin Cas was in love with humanity first. :P I love that distinction stated here though, that Cas has to specifically make it about Dean and the fact his reprogramming was very much about him.

I think Dean’s a bit beyond being excited to have Cas back right now with the Sam revelation, but this does have a sort of bookend the story with it being about Dean n Cas’s relationship all the way through: we only get those 3 second encounters either end of the episode, but they’re about Cas getting too close/coming back and basically saying he can’t be close to Dean any more. If it’s a remotely reciprocal friendship (and Cas does seem to grow on Dean over the last couple of episodes they interact before this) then it makes sense to be thinking about that closeness that was enough to get Cas in trouble on Dean’s side as well all episode.

Except you know, know he’s all depressed about finally finding out what’s up with Sam and it being a million times worse than he imagined, so there’s NO chance of emotional wrap up between Dean n Cas right now or even meaningful reactions from Dean because the Sam issue is so huge.

* * *

The tail lights are completely out when the car is driving into the rain. :<

* * *

(I’m assuming that’s symbolic and not a broken car :P)

* * *

Sam trying to open up a dialogue about it is tragic. Because he had the almost cry for help in the middle of the episode and Dean missed it, and then here Dean is just too done to discuss it. Sam suggests they talk or Dean takes it out on him and hits him or something, so he’s crying out to have some accountability put on him just because he’s been carrying the terrible secret all season and he expects Dean to blame him and get angry, and he’s been expecting/dreading it all season if Dean did find out. And the fact he thinks that Dean hitting him would make it at all better. But I guess he feels that is how Dean can make it feel better to himself: that it would be cathartic for him to hit Sam (and Sam probably feels at least a little that he should be punished for what he’s done). Dean not responding how he expects and not laying into Sam for it is more unsettling to him than being attacked.

Which is a really depressing commentary on the way they interact and how they think punching each other fixes things.

But taking Sam to the panic room to detox is actually a good call for helping him, and while Dean’s not exactly dealing with Sam emotionally well or saying all the right things (being wearily disappointed rather than supportive that they can fix him and get him through, and conspiring with Bobby to lock him up rather than giving him a choice or taking Sam’s offer to discuss how he got here and what the story is) the actual motions of putting him in a place to recover and not laying into Sam and placing all the blame directly on him (Dean blames Ruby now and forever for the most part) is at least a step in the right direction? Or at least with Sam’s suggestions for how he thinks Dean should respond, shows us that the WORST eventualities of this weren’t used. :P

Blargh, this is a depressing episode.

* * *

Saaam :(


	21. 4x21

The recap ending with Sam saying “this isn’t funny” makes me wonder if hanging out at Bobby’s has a moderate chance of just being locked in the panic room for pranks and he’s just hoping it’s another one.

* * *

> DEAN  
> No. Not until you dry out.  
>   
> SAM  
> Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. Just open the door.  
>   
> DEAN  
> You don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you lied to me over and over again. I get it now. You couldn’t help it.  
>   
> SAM  
> I’m not some junkie.

This is an exercise in that same mindset I was talking about at the end of last episode: Dean is dealing with Sam pretty sensibly in that the detox actually is the best option they have for him right now and he’s not blaming him for getting hooked, and he’s understanding of how the obvious parallel of Sam to a drug addict removes Sam’s agency… And he still sounds bitter as fuck and says painful, pointed things like the “over and over” emphasis. He’s aaalmost there but not at all, in fact. :P He’s just so endlessly bad at coping with stuff when it’s about Sam. >.>

* * *

You can tell this is Bobby’s house because the stairs are being used as a bookcase.

* * *

Did Sam get hurt by touching the iron of the door?

* * *

Sam that is not how demons manifest. I suppose the icy air he feels might just be a cold flash while he’s got this fever, and his brain just translates it into the effect of a ghost appearing, but then it’s Alastair who’s behind him. (He likes sneaking up behind people, even when he’s a figment. :P)

I’d assume that the lore mix up is to show that Sam is being haunted by these things. 

I wonder at Alastair showing up to torture Sam as their only connection was that Sam killed him. I suppose Sam was strong enough to torture Alastair for information and then he feels like with the demon blood leaving him he’s losing strength and so all those demons he was confident enough to go up against (he and Alastair spent 4x15 sizing each other up tbh) are now stronger than him again and so ghostly Alastair drops by to torture Sam just because he can and there’s nothing Sam can do about it.

Sam killing him was the sign of how dark he’d gone anyway.

* * *

Aww Bobby. Sharing a really depressing drink with Dean sitting in the dark together. Because that’s their coping method.

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Bobby though. He’s far from emotionally well-adjusted either, although he’s got a bit more of an outsider perspective to Sam’s problem than Dean. He can offer Dean what resources he has, even if he doesn’t have the knowledge. About all else he can do is just be there so Dean isn’t alone through this.

* * *

Heya tiny Sam. 

He’s the rudest one. I mean I guess he is like 14 but still.

(I mean symbolically this is the whole “I hate myself” side of things)

> YOUNG SAM  
> How could you do this to me? I thought we were gonna be normal.  
>   
> SAM  
> I tried. I did. It didn’t pan out that way. Sorry, kid. 

Poor Sam, idealising some vague concept of “normality” all his life. :(

Of course this turns out to be something where no matter what he did he’d have never had that normality because he would have been dragged back in one way or another, but this is the self-loathing section where he blames himself for everything:

> SAM  
> Look. They killed Jessica.  
>   
> YOUNG SAM  
> Yeah. And if you hadn’t run off with Dean, if you’d been there to protect her, she’d still be alive. 

Obviously this was always going to happen, even if he never left the building. There was nothing he could have done to protect her because the demons wanted her dead, and Sam didn’t  _know_. (And John hadn’t made them aware enough of what he knew to tell them to be prepared for demon attack, if you want to assign blame anywhere to any human people involved. :P)

But because it happened when Sam wasn’t there, he’s blaming himself. And dragging Dean into it, and making it like he picked Dean over Jess, just further goes to show that he’s internalised a load of weird guilt-filled ideas over the last few years.

Bah I don’t like the idea that “running off with Dean” was like Sam choosing him or something - that wasn’t even how it happened in the Pilot; he literally came home after the one off hunt meaning to go to that interview. He’s changed his own timeline to make it more tragic to himself. >.> Saaam.

> YOUNG SAM  
> You think Jess would want you to turn into this? She loved you. You think she’d be happy you using her as an excuse? 

Hahaha ask female characters their opinion on being fridged and how much man pain is allowed to result from it. :P

* * *

> BOBBY  
> Where the hell are your angel pals?  
>   
> DEAN  
> You tell me. 

Bobby now sees the angels as a standard feature of Dean’s life. Dean’s reply betrays the fact that since Cas stomped off out of his life last episode telling him they were done, he’s still very much bitter about that too. 

It’s hard being dumped at a time like this. :P

* * *

> BOBBY  
> Well, I don’t like this any more than you do, but Sam can kill demons. He’s got a shot at stopping Armageddon.  
>   
> DEAN  
> So what? Sacrifice Sam’s life, his soul, for the greater good? Is that what you’re saying? Times are bad, so let’s use Sam as a nuclear warhead? 

Oops. Is this why 6x11 had Soulless!Sam coming after Bobby? :P A little karma for this comment? 

Because I mean that is basically what happened to Sam in the long run.

(I DON’T think Bobby let Sam go at the end of this episode because of this - I mean Sam knocked him out and it was that Bobby wouldn’t shoot Sam. :P)

* * *

Also yeah, almost identical conversation to Sam, Gadreel and Cas fighting about what to do with Dean in 9x23. How much did season 9 scavenge from season 4? Not as much, I think. But the Mark vs demon blood arcs had their little crossovers. 

* * *

I think it’s nice they left Sam some magazines in there.

* * *

> MARY  
> Sam. You look just awful. 

I was going to say he should joke she does too because she shows up all covered in blood, but that’s very rude and I think I may have just got myself banished from the fandom for suggesting it. :P

* * *

> SAM  
> You’re disappointed. You never thought I’d turn out this way. I’m a piss-poor excuse for a son. Your heart is broken. Am I close?  
>   
> MARY  
> Not at all. You’re doing the right thing, Sam. What you’re doing is brave. You’re not being crazy, you’re being practical. Sam, I am so proud of you.  
>   
> SAM  
> But—but Dean—  
>   
> MARY  
> Your brother doesn’t understand. I was raised a hunter from a long line. We understand that there are gonna be hard choices. And we do what we have to to get the job done. Yes, our family is cursed. But you—you have the power to turn it into a gift. You can use it against them. 

Mary comes along quietly validating Sam with love and understanding - too MUCH love and understanding. If Sam’s just conjuring her, he wants validation and someone to tell him that what he is doing is right - like his younger self was blaming him with all the inaccurate thoughts he had where he took blame onto himself, “Mary” comes along and absolves him, telling him that he is doing the right thing.

> MARY  
> No, for justice. I know how scared you are.  
>   
> SAM  
> What’s in me, Mom, it's—  
>   
> MARY  
> Evil. And you know it.

There are so many hard truths here it makes it difficult to distinguish where the bad advice is. And Sam IS doing it for justice: this is his thought process on WHY he should do it and how he’s been rationalising it to himself. The whole thing is a terrible example of him being led astray trying to do something for the greater good.

And this is how you KNOW bad advice is coming out of his own head to himself:

> SAM  
> What if it’s stronger than me? Look at me. What if Dean’s right?  
>   
> MARY  
> Dean can never know how strong you are, because Dean is weak. Look at what he’s done to you. Locking you in here? He’s terrified. He’s in over his head. You have to go on without him. You have what it takes. You have to kill Lilith. 

Once again the themes of Sam seeing himself needing to be strong, and feeling like he is strong enough to manage the situation if only he was given a chance, and the narrative he’s built of Dean being scared and that fear = weakness.

Which is interesting because Dean IS terrified all season, and it’s there in the background all the way through. It looked like a weakness in 4x16, and Sam ended up seeming to be the right one out of TFW at the end of that episode, even if he got his moral victory through being terrifying himself.

I don’t think Dean’s fear is necessarily a weakness though, even if it was obviously so when it came up in 4x06 (where it was the focus). I think the fear informs a lot of what he does over the season and probably is responsible for his harsh words to Sam but I think it is an important part of him being human… Sam stripping away his “weak” parts and replacing them with scary demon blood strength is not a good thing :P Although he feels like the compromise needs to be made.

* * *

Omg this conversation.

Look at Cas with his rusty old scrap metal wings and distant caged halo:

*quiet screaming*

Obviously he and Dean start this conversation like 40ft from each other or something ridiculous. *caps the wide version of this shot too for later comparison*

This is Cas and Dean talking after Cas has been brainwashed and Cas has said he doesn’t serve Dean. Dean has already expressed bitterness about not being able to get Cas on the line once this episode, and now he’s finally managed to call him down, wastes no time in complaining about how long it took, because Cas is keeping a huge distance from Dean, physically and emotionally. He presumably only answered at all because Heaven had an errand for him to run aside from talking to Dean: otherwise he’d have just been barraged with prayers from Dean he’d be ignoring steadily the whole time.

> DEAN  
> Well, it’s about time. I’ve been screaming myself hoarse out here for about two and a half hours now.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> What do you want? 

(That hoarse voice shows. Mm they’re all gruff)

[For the ongoing look at Dean n Cas not looking at each other from this ask…](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/126432383118/does-cas-really-not-look-at-dean-while-deans)

Cas strolls right up into Dean’s space while Dean is asking him what’s up, but ends up giving him this tortured look:

> DEAN  
> Cut the crap. You were gonna tell me something.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Well, nothing of import.  
>   
> DEAN  
> You got ass-reamed in heaven but it was not of import?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Dean, I can’t. I’m sorry. 

Can’t… tell him? Or can’t be friends with him? Oh god the ridiculous star-crossed thing here. Even if it’s just for friendship… 

Having had this brief personal conversation, where Dean opens up trying to ask about Cas because he shows he GETS that something happened to him, to which Cas is physically unable to tell him anything except to give him the sad look, Cas shuts down the line of what would count as a friendly enquiry in different context, and turns and walks away back out of Dean’s space.

> Get to the reason you really called me. It’s about Sam, right? 

So once again Cas deflects back onto the plot stuff, and in doing so turns his back and talks off into the scrap yard. He can look upset about this where Dean can’t see, but their dialogue is all strictly business.

Cas turns around again without coming closer to remind Dean that Sam needs to drink all the demon blood. They sort of share the sadness about that, which I think is partially Cas using his empathy about this and how it would hurt Dean to re-create the bond between them for the sake of his next horrible ask:

> Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill. 

Ugh, if that’s not Dean’s biggest fear of the entire season/show. It’s what John warned him about when he died: NOW is when Dean is finally put to the test about this, after carrying it around for basically the length of 3 whole seasons. And it’s Cas reminding him that this will happen (for the ongoing Heaven/God > John parallels).

Cas then moves back in to Dean’s space, and now he’s changed tack: he’s using his normal rules of only talking to Dean eye to eye for personal reasons to exploit asking him to do the thing for Heaven, as he’s actually come here to get Dean’s compliance on that. He talks a lot in third person - “we” and “us” - because he’s making the request for Heaven.

(Also this picture legit looks like something out of a romance before Cas kisses him I’m just saying and it’s worse seeing him in motion coming up towards him like this. :P)

> There’s no reason this would have to come to pass, Dean. We believe it’s you, Dean, not your brother. The only question for us is whether you’re willing to accept it. Stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it. 

Which also has our first shot of Dean n Cas standing uncomfortably close and Dean LOOKS uncomfortable about it, because it’s right when Cas is just TELLING him to do the thing.

> DEAN  
> If I do this, Sammy doesn’t have to?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> If it gives you comfort to see it that way.  
>   
> DEAN  
> God, you’re a dick these days. 

Baaah. Of course, Cas has identified the obvious strategy to get Dean to do stuff - he was only in Hell to be dead in Sam’s place when Cas found him, after all.

And Cas doesn’t really answer the question, merely puts it back on Dean’s perception of the matter so he can’t be accused of lying.

Dean is the one who breaks eye contact and walks away. Cas continues to look very upset by this conversation, which is strange because he’s the one inflicting it on Dean. You know, unless he regrets have to do this at all. :P

They do that thing where they swap sides (which happens a lot when they’re wandering around talking to each other - there’s that really great one where they switch close ups in You Can’t Handle the Truth… I may have recently seen a gifset to remind me :P)

Dean talks off into the distance now, and Cas sort of asks Dean the weird Heaven wedding vows while they’re positioned like this, so this whole agreement happens when they’re distanced and facing different ways, which is a great visual representation of how fake and hollow it is as a vow.

> CASTIEL  
> You give yourself over wholly to the service of God and his angels?  
>   
> DEAN  
> Yeah, exactly. 

And this is where I reeeally begin to feel Cas doesn’t want him to say it even when he orders Dean to say it:

This is the look he gives him when Dean turns curiously about Cas being  _so_  insistent that Dean say the exact words back to him. This can be a pleading look from Cas to do it, if you like, but I feel like Dean is checking Cas’s motivation and Cas is like… Oh no this is awful. (I go a lot off Cas’s reaction in 4x22 where he looks so ashamed of making Dean do this when the truth comes out. Don’t worry, I will like 100% not forget to screen shot that. :P)

But Dean is desperate enough to do it anyway, and so he comes right back up to him and says the awful heaven wedding vows.

(Which also means getting right back into Cas’s space again and this time he was the one who put himself within a foot of Cas’s nose for the next awkward length of time :P)

> CASTIEL  
> You swear to follow his will and his word as swiftly and obediently as you did your own father’s?  
>   
> DEAN  
> Yes, I swear. Now what?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> Now you wait, and we call on you when it’s time. 

I’m laughing just because season 1 was like exactly these 3 lines. Dean did everything John ordered and spent a greeeat deal of time WAITING for those orders. Heaven is jerking him around in exactly the same way. :P 

I swear there are tears in Cas’s eyes a little bit again like when he was describing what would happen to Sam and how terrible that would be for Dean. :(

They hold the eye contact (without talking but after some seriously prolonged eye contact while they’re still talking) for 8 seconds, and then Dean looks down in defeat.

Ugh. 

That was depressing. :P

We have no idea how this scene ends and Cas breaks the stalemate. Dean looks away so does Cas comfort him? Just… disappear when the camera cuts away and Dean’s left blinking? Put a hand on his shoulder? (naaah).

* * *

Anyway back to the grim depressing Sam part of this episode.

(Oh my god, Bobby’s magazines are “the weekly woodsman” and “gun collecting” or something.)

Sam has black stuff crawling all over his blood. Aaand we FINALLY have him looking in a mirror and seeing a visual representation of what he’s done to his blood (whether he is or isn’t hallucinating it doesn’t really matter). The fact he looks in the mirror and sees his addiction actually on his skin changing him though! Gah. :P

* * *

> BOBBY  
> Correct me if I’m wrong, but you willingly signed up to be the angels’ bitch? 
> 
> […]
> 
> DEAN  
> Because what other option do I have? It’s either trust the angels or let Sammy trust a demon? 

Argh, Bobby’s ongoing attempts to be supportive of Dean. He is concerned about the choices Dean’s making because obviously we have the choices SAM made an obvious theme for the episode. But Dean makes the point, which is the intended trap he’s fallen into, that the angels surely, SURELY represent some greater  _good_  even if they are shady as hell. Worse: this was exploited by Cas still being used to liaise with him because he’s got an emotional bond to Dean and Dean likes him more than other angels even if he doesn’t trust him and thinks they’ve never been more sketchy than right now (he’s at least not fallen completely into the trap and talks about “the angels” when it’s all about Cas for these discussions with Bobby, keeping it impersonal because, well, Cas just represents Heaven’s desire to manipulate Dean.)

* * *

Baaah poor Sam. :(

* * *

> DEAN  
> We had to [tie Sam up]. The demon blood was flinging you all over the room. Tell me something, Sam. Why did you do this to yourself?  
>   
> SAM  
> You know why. 

It sounds so much like sympathetic Dean like he just stayed in the panic room to talk. :( Except that he’s challenging Sam about his choice… Uhoh. :P

> DEAN  
> Right. ‘Kill Lilith’. The big excuse. But why? What, revenge? Right?  
>   
> SAM  
> Of course. 

Sam’s “of course” is so sad and like, isn’t it obvious? We get revenge. That’s what we do. It makes no sense  _not_  to want to get revenge, because he’s so far down this path now that everything has become about it. (See also: casually attempting to indoctrinate “Adam” to the family tradition; telling Jimmy to just give up his old life and lump it, in the last couple of episodes.) 

Having the conversation with Dean n Cas before this where Cas draws the line to show Dean’s obedience to Heaven has to be like his to John (something he brought up back in the Halloween episode I think(?) when trying to get Dean to do what they wanted, and so we have an open discussion here about they way BOTH of them have been manipulated and used based on their leftover issues from their upbringing with John. This is very much bookending the start of the season where Sam trying to get revenge on Lilith while Dean was dead was compared to John before we find out how deep it went, and Cas was introduced giving Dean the promise of work for him to do, giving him a new unquestionably powerful force to issue orders to him.

Anyway. 

I would GUESS Dean represents Sam’s insecurities. While he’s been down on Dean all season for being weak and scared, it comes across at least some of that is jealousy:

> DEAN  
> My gig. Not yours. The angels said so, remember? God picked me, man. 

Obviously Dean isn’t ACTUALLY going to rub it into Sam’s face because it wigs him out. But Sam just sees Dean getting picked for some holy mission right when he’s spiralling into his hellish descent, and so those clearly drawn lines have been haunting him all season even while he continues going down the dark path. And over there 10 minutes ago Dean has been accepting doing the angel’s work in the place of Sam , BECAUSE they said he’d do it instead of Sam, so even if Sam doesn’t know that happened (or psychically picked up on it and this projection of Dean teasing him about it is how his brain chooses to deliver the information) this contrast is at play in the episode and we see him resenting Dean for it.

Ugh Sam. :(

* * *

> BOBBY  
> I’m sorry. I can’t bite my tongue any longer. We’re killing him. Keeping him locked up down there. This cold-turkey thing isn’t working. If—if he doesn’t get what he needs, soon, Sam’s not gonna last much longer. 

Hm. Maybe Bobby DID kiiind of let Sam go just to keep him alive?

> DEAN  
> Then at least he dies human! 

This seems a very common theme. :P Better dead and human than a monster.

At this point, Dean’s so upset he’d actually let Sam die? I’m not sure he’s thinking this all the way through, or if he’d genuinely let Sam die here for the sake of saving him.

* * *

> DEAN  
> I know why you really drink that blood, Sam.  
>   
> SAM  
> Just leave me alone.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Makes you feel strong. Invincible. A big bad wolf in a world of little pigs. 

(DID YOU NOT LISTEN WHEN I SAID I WOULD INSERT THIS AT ANY AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY)

(It’s seriously probably in like at least 6 of my rewatches. You be glad I was only quietly thinking about it in the last Sam vs art in It’s A Terrible Life.)

In that episode, the Big Bad Wolf was being controlled to attack and hurt people, and Dean fought him and was going to kill him to stop him hurting anyone else, but then he broke out of the control because the ghost was talked down from hurting people, and the Big Bad Wolf guy was freed.

I can’t believe I’m wondering if this is a metaphor. :P

Dean’s been pressured basically for most of the show at this point about having to kill Sam when he becomes a monster, but at the end of next episode/start of season 5 Sam’s randomly magically cleansed of demon blood by God for the sake of less stressful plotting, meaning Dean doesn’t have to be put to the test and kill him.

Hmm.

* * *

But yeah this is definitely Sam’s insecurity talking to him:

> DEAN  
> It’s more than that, isn’t it? It’s because your whole life, you felt different. Am I right?  
> […]  
> Oh, I hit a little close to home, huh? Not different because you were some lonely kid or because of your weirdo family.   
> […]  
> Because you’re a monster.  
> […]  
> You were always a monster. And you only feel right when you’re sucking down more poison and more evil.

Oh Sam. :( I know he says he always felt like he was unclean, but I think this is again his brain telling him the worst: he feels good when he drinks the demon blood because it’s an addiction and it’s giving him a high… it’s not that it’s completing him even if it IS joining with his pre-existing demonic taint to make him stronger. It’s just how it makes him feel, and he’s confusing that with it behind an inherent awful part of him which means he HAS to be an evil monster.

I don’t trust anything his subconscious tells him in this episode if you hadn’t guessed. :P I’m not a vehement Sam girl but I’ll defend him from himself. >.>

* * *

This parallel following is especially tragic:

> INT. BOBBY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY  
>   
> DEAN  
> I would die for him in a second, but I won’t let him do this to himself. I can’t. I guess I found my line. I won’t let my brother turn into a monster.  
>   
> INT. BOBBY’S PANIC ROOM – DAY  
>   
> DEAN  
> Monster, Sam. You’re a monster.  
>   
> SAM  
> Dean, no.  
>   
> DEAN  
> And I tried so hard to pretend that we were brothers. That you weren’t one of the filthy things that we hunt. But we’re not even the same species. You’re nothing to me.  
>   
> SAM  
> Don’t say that to me. Don’t you say that to me. 

Because while Dean isn’t saying exactly what Sam’s imaginary Dean is telling him, he’s saying something down a similar line of thought, just expressed as concern. The overlap is pretty much a full venn diagram except real Dean has concern on his side and the other has malice. Brr.

* * *

Aw Cas nooo don’t do it.

*Cas does the thing*

Well I mean, SAM wanders out of the mysteriously open door and makes a break for freedom. 

Technically Cas’s fingerprints aren’t on anything here. :P

I don’t think he looks too thrilled at what he just did.

* * *

I’m just… really… emotional about Dean n Bobby collapsing out like this.

Ugh that sofa. That WINDOW. Site of so many happenings it’s ridiculous. 

* * *

Oh no, Cas and water. Bad things. Baaad things.

He looks so unhappy.

> ANNA  
> What did you do?  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> You shouldn’t have come, Anna. 

Cas doesn’t want to be here any more than he wants Anna to be there. :( Cas nooo :(

> CASTIEL  
> Those were my orders.  
>   
> ANNA  
> Orders? Cas, you saw him. He’s drinking demon blood. It’s so much worse than we thought. Dean was trying to stop him.  
>   
> CASTIEL  
> You really shouldn’t have come. 

:<

I don’t even know what to say except to be really really sad about Cas and Heaven controlling him and making him do all this stuff. 

So have one last sad picture of Anna before she gets dragged off and reprogrammed and no one ever shows her this concern. :(

* * *

Oh Cas. :( He looks back up at Heaven again like, look I did the thing. Are you happy now?

BECAUSE I’M NOT.

His remorse about all this is killing me.

* * *

*closer shot of Cas under that light with another cage around it* Aaaargh.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sam and Bobby are really depressing.

Bobby at least brought a gun and gets really intense about it so I think he really did want to get Sam back in the panic room. I’m not gonna blame him for a share of starting the apocalypse. All he did was not shoot Sam, which is fair enough.

Aw Saaam. 

(Aw poor unconscious Bobby)

HIS HAT WAS KNOCKED OFF. That’s how you tell Sam is on a dark arc. NO remorse. :P

* * *

Did Ruby intentionally cut off Sam to make him desperate? And it just kinda backfired on her when Dean found out?

She seems pleased enough when Sam’s so hungry for her blood whatever trouble they went through on the way.

* * *

> RUBY  
> Your appetite’s gotten much bigger.  
>   
> SAM  
> What’s that supposed to mean? 

After all the detox he does seem at least a BIT more worried about what’s going on with him and what Ruby’s blood has been doing to him.

* * *

> SAM  
> Lucifer’s first?  
>   
> RUBY  
> Demon Sunday School story. God prefers humans to angels. Lucifer gets jealous and then he gets creative. And he twists and tempts a human soul into the very first demon as a 'screw you’ to God. It’s what got him locked up in the first place. 

Hey, our first Lucifer psychology! (I can’t remember what Casey said about him back in Sin City but obviously Ruby seems to know a bit better than her. I think she basically just talked about him as a myth, while Ruby is, okay, repeating a Bible story, but speaking with a bit more confidence what with being in an inner circle on the whole Lucifer thing.)

I don’t THINK the end of season 10 can contradict this part at least. :P If Lucifer was made to be predisposed to evil thoughts like jealousy by the Mark, then maybe he kinda fought off succumbing to it for a while - he could have maybe got pretty far into Creation before something set him off, if angels are much better at carrying it (and Lucifer was supposedly a really good angel until he wasn’t). I think Biblically Lilith is… like an aunt or something of Cain? Very close on the timeline.

Honestly don’t know if we ever got a comment about when exactly Lucifer was first locked up.

I suppose vague timelines are better for later messing with the story. :P

Like how everything new pre-dates angels and Creation and stuff to make it more scary. :P

Probably season 13 something will show up that’s older than the Darkness.

* * *

Sam finally has a shower but he doesn’t have a clean shirt to change into. Is he wearing these same clothes for the rest of the season? 

* * *

> BOBBY  
> Us finding Sam? It’s gotta be about getting him back, not pushing him away.  
>   
> DEAN  
> Right.  
>   
> BOBBY  
> I know you’re mad, Dean. I understand. You got a right to be, but I’m just saying. Be good to him anyway. You gotta get through to him. 

Oops?

* * *

Cut immediately to Dean showing up a the hotel.

And trying to kill Ruby. Yikes, he’s angry. Or she’s weakened from all the blood Sam’s been drinking. Because Dean actually manages to fight her without getting thrown around and seems to match her in strength.

* * *

Uugh this fight. 

Ruby gets the hell out of the way, leaving them to fight. 

Ugh this is so hilariously tragic given what happens next episode, but it all comes down to that conflict set up earlier by Cas and Sam’s hallucination Dean… What makes Dean turn around looking incredulous is this:

> SAM  
> Dean, I need her to help me kill Lilith. I know you can’t wrap your head around it, but maybe one day you’ll understand. I’m the only one who can do this, Dean.  
>   
> DEAN turns back around.  
>   
> DEAN  
> No, you’re not the one who’s gonna do this.  
>   
> SAM  
> Right, that’s right, I forgot. The angels think it’s you.  
>   
> DEAN  
> You don’t think I can?  
>   
> SAM  
> No. You can’t. You’re not strong enough. 

Oh look, it’s like this was foreshadowed all season or something. YELLOW FEVER DOESN’T SEEM SO FUNNY NOW, DOES IT?

(At least all the stuff building up Sam and Dean’s respective idea they have to be the one to stop the apocalypse were generally less cracky moments. :P)

* * *

> SAM  
> I’m doing what needs to be done. 

HELLO SEASON 9 ARC WORDS.

* * *

> DEAN  
> Yeah? You’re not gonna do a single damn thing.  
>   
> SAM  
> Stop bossing me around, Dean. Look. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now I’m asking you, for once, trust me.  
>   
> DEAN  
> No. You don’t know what you’re doing, Sam. 

*hides behind hands*

Dean don’t you dare - 

> SAM  
> What? No. Say it.  
>   
> DEAN  
> It means you’re a monster. 

SIGH.

*rests head on desk in despair*

After all this for like 4 whole seasons I hardly have the energy to describe this arc coming to its conclusion. 

I mean basically Dean’s been struggling not to think it from the moment he found out Sam had visions and every test along the way. And Sam’s been fighting with feeling that way the whole time, but Dean saying it sort of makes it real because it’s DEAN saying it to him.

So they just kinda punch each other and cry for a bit. :P

* * *

Sam has been telling himself he’s stronger than Dean all season, and proves it. And then almost kills Dean just to show he could? Or to subdue him by near choking? I don’t know what’s up with him. Anyway he doesn’t get too scarily far with trying to kill him because he’d rather say horrible stuff:

> SAM  
> You don’t know me. You never did. And you never will. 

It’s more interesting than Dean’s generic disowning because it’s basically Sam disowning not just the future of them, but past and present as well. So alllll those cute childhood moments we’ve seen, and every episode along the way, Sam’s telling Dean he’s had him wrong the whole time. Which, I mean, these guys really do have issues understanding each other because of their tragic lack of communication issues. I can understand Sam feeling misunderstood in an angsty teenage way for a long time. They’ve always had their fundamental differences of opinion, so I guess Sam’s just taking all the feeling of being changed and transformed by the demon blood and turning every misunderstanding into some “oh I guess you thought I was a monster all along” when he thought he was doing the right thing. 

He mostly seems disappointed before the punch up that Dean won’t be reasonable and come with him to hunt Lilith, like if he just understood why Sam was doing it and that Ruby was good and helpful, they could all get along or something.

Blah, I dunno, I’ve never been super thrilled to have bro angst so I don’t feel like prodding it so much.

Moving on to 4x22 where there’s plenty of Destiel afoot. :3


	22. 4x22

I’m sad because no more season 4? But excited because this episode.

Advance warning that I am extremely woozy at the time of posting and that I tag these “weird rewatching” for a reason. :P

* * *

Admittedly in half my recent hundreds of re-watches I’ve skipped all the distressing Sam stuff not because I don’t like Sam but because his dark arc is THE WORST and it makes me SO SAD.

So my POV of this episode is basically just all the beautiful room scenes in a row and then Lucifer pops out of nowhere.

* * *

Random poll: is this the worst “don’t you cry no more” at the end of the song?

* * *

Hi Azazel!

Oh my god okay:

> AZAZEL  
> Truer words never spoken, sisters. But sometimes it seems as if it’s difficult to know the Creator. Sometimes I feel, in a very literal sense, that I have been wandering the desert for years. Looking for our Father. 

That moment when he becomes a parallel to Sam and Dean in season 1 looking for John. :P

The fun thing about John being the core father figure of the show and presented in such a symbolic rather than character-ish way is that all the other father figures including like God and Lucifer are just reflections of John, not the other way around.

I find this hilarious.

Anyway we get his non-sympathetic back story and then he murders a load of nuns.

Classic Azazel. 

* * *

Fade to Sam leaning on Ruby’s car. It’s sort of orange. We’ve only seen it at night and I always thought it was yellow, but it’s a kind of weird… mustard colour.

I remember right back in the start of season 3 comparing Ruby and demons to mustard. I feel so vindicated that her car isn’t sunny yellow. :P

* * *

(Also this explains why it took me until this rewatch to notice she had the same car throughout)

* * *

> RUBY  
> Well, after we’re done, you guys will patch things up. I mean, you always do.
> 
> SAM  
> You’re talking like I’ve got an ‘after’.
> 
> RUBY  
> Don’t say that.
> 
> SAM  
> I can feel it inside me, Ruby. I’ve changed… for good. And there’s no going back now.

Oh Sam.

And despite his season 5 arc, because he gets cleaned up by God, he doesn’t quuuiiite struggle with this as much as he could have? I know they wanted to move on and tell the action of the story so he gets just a few episodes of overt crushing regret, but honestly I don’t think he really deals with all of this until like the “they’re purifying me” thing about the Trials. Which he doesn’t even finish.

If season 11 has Sam having visions and exploring this side of his history again, it might be the first really solid look since the apocalypse, tbh. :P

I dunno, I never felt fully satisfied by this arc after season 4. Especially because season 6 and 7 dragged Sam through so much more different myth arc stuff. Season 8′s arc for Sam probably would have been more fitting for character development to come right after if we somehow removed the whole “had to go to Hell to defeat Lucifer” thing. :P

* * *

Anyway we ALSO fade into Dean from a blurry close up, because they are both doing a lot of standing around staring and being super depressed about their fight instead of worrying about the bigger problems.

Bobby takes Ruby’s job of being a relationship counsellor. :P

* * *

> DEAN  
> No, damnit! No. I gotta face the facts. Sam never wanted part of this family. He hated this life growing up. Ran away to Stanford first chance he got. Now it’s like déjà vu all over again.

I think this is reflecting that Sam disowning Dean thoroughly including all their history last episode is hitting on Dean’s deep insecurity from Sam always running away. (Thinking of Sam’s heavens as well.) Taken in this light, Sam’s independence and desire for normality come across as distancing himself from the family in a disowning sort of way - the fact that Dean has these romantic notions of hunting being in their blood and defining them in certain ways makes Sam rejecting the life rejecting him and their family connection too even back when - I think maybe in a way where he’s always sort of subconsciously feared this utter rejection by Sam leaving, even in slightly less drama queen-y ways. Now it’s happened again, but with Sam underlining that Dean never knew him, he’s seriously contemplating the level to which they’re actually family almost in the literal sense (after all if Sam has demon blood from basically birth, and it’s a lasting part of him, does that even make them ‘blood’, he is probably wondering :P)

Well I said Bobby is being a relationship counsellor but while Ruby was offering Sam meaningless reassurances, Bobby has no time for bro angst. Yeah Bobby. :3

Sorry, the brothers get so maudlin even if Bobby is pretty rude it’s rather refreshing…

> BOBBY  
> You stupid, stupid son of a bitch! Well, boo hoo, I am so sorry your feelings are hurt, princess! Are you under the impression that family’s supposed to make you feel good?! Make you an apple pie, maybe? They’re supposed to make you miserable! That’s why they’re family!

(Before I get into this, you know I’ve been enjoying the Dean n Bobby relationship the last couple of seasons and especially last episode I felt like they’d finally reached that not just saying that they feel like family but sitting around being family stage - like crashing out sleeping in the same room or having the same gloomy anxiety about Sam, so I do think they’ve finally reached a level of comfort where they’re not just emotionally invested in each other - they can also fight like family now :P)

That said, the opening of this rant is one of the things I see Bobby called out for a lot, and I agree that the words are extremely harsh and suggestive of the character flaws Bobby exemplifies - especially the “princess” comment and laying into Dean for expressing his emotions with the “boo hoo”. Bobby’s far from perfect, and these mentalities long-term aren’t exactly nurturing for Dean.

On the other hand, it does kinda shake him out of this funk, which, like I said, yay Bobby. :P 

(I will be your problematic fave today, sorry, but I like Bobby and I can see the criticisms, but I think he’s more on Dean’s level than pretty much any other character often in depressing ways, but he knows how to talk to him like no one else (and I think he got the result of the Siren episode better than anyone for example of him understanding Dean well). This works, even if it’s harsh and not really what he SHOULD say ideally.)

Anyways, the comparison to family NOT being apple pie is hilarious, given A: how Dean never gets pie (compare season 2′s season finale where he was denied pie by Sam being snatched by Azazel for example) and B: how pie is symbolic of family and what is comfortable and normal in some ways to Dean. ALSO depressing in the long run because when Karen, Bobby’s closest family, comes back in season 5 she does make him a ton of pie and it’s ALL SORTS of wrong and depressing. Wheee.

Bobby’s definition of family is pretty grim (and we know Sam n Dean are pretty much the best family relationship he ever has.) I would assume he sort of means like there are good things but family means putting up with a lot of crap/inevitable tragedy from his pessimistic/cynical experience and so this is more of a “lump it, he’s family so you have to deal with the misery that can bring” sort of message? And not just “family is terrible and you will feel awful from having it, end of.”

Anyway, then some pretty amazing lines:

> BOBBY  
> You sound like a whiny brat. No, you sound like your dad. Well, let me tell you something. Your dad was a coward.
> 
> DEAN  
> My dad was a lot of things, Bobby, but a coward?
> 
> BOBBY  
> He’d rather push Sam away than reach out to him. Well, that don’t strike me as brave. You are a better man than your daddy ever was. So you do both of us a favor. Don’t be him.

Bobby is someone who apparently never had time for John (he’s got some choice words for Rufus too in the previous and apparently they LIKE each other enough that Rufus phoned back immediately to convey his helpful information :P) Isn’t Bobby’s only described interaction with John at this point that he once threatened to shoot him? 

Anyway I feel like it’s great especially in an important Kripke episode that this isn’t all John stanning - there’s a strong criticism here, not just for the personality trait stuff, but condemning his whole parenting approach to Sam. I was saying last episode how John being wary of Sam and his dark arc could hilariously mean he’s the human most responsible for Jess’s death outside of the demons that did it, since he took off on the trail of Yellow Eyes just before the show started, so if he’d been looking out for Sam he could have dropped a line that he and people close to him may be in danger of demons. (He was even in California? So if there were demon omens that he was oh so good at tracking, he might have KNOWN and DONE SOMETHING.) Anyway, even setting that aside, John was terrible at dealing with Sam, and the possibility he would turn dark, and he passed that to Dean to make his problem when he died… And now we’re here at the culmination of it and Dean’s NEW father figure is rejecting the old’s methods for dealing with Sam (passed on to Dean, that he is currently struggling with. I think there was some mutual disowning between Sam and John when Sam ran away to Stanford? So Dean is struggling with the exact same issue there as John once did - no wonder from Sam’s POV he left when Dean issued him an ultimatum).

I just like that there IS this rejection and unsympathetic look at John right here where it matters, and Bobby encourages Dean not to go down the same path, and Dean LISTENS. His attempts to reach out to Sam are because Bobby’s words sank in and he rejected these old teachings and decided he should reach out to Sam, and then it was only greater forces that stopped him fixing everything by rejecting this mindset he was in.

* * *

Anyway Dean goes on a holiday to Jupiter or a blade of grass… (or a warehouse in Van Nuys)

(Fun fact: that line from Point of No Return is pretty much my favourite line on the show :P)

* * *

“Hello Dean.”

Everyone is crying.

Especially Cas inside.

* * *

I am glad that cute baby didn’t get eaten by Lilith. Small victories! Technically Sam did a good. :P

Not sure it outweighs the whole… you know, Lucifer thing. But the baby survives!

* * *

<http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/126599514338/why-was-cas-sent-to-the-green-room-in-4x22-a-test>

**Anonymous**  asked:

Why was Cas sent to the Green Room in 4x22? A test of faith? Or was it a reluctant strategy as Cas was the only angel so far who managed to get Dean under control? All Cas did in this episode was guiltily avoiding eye contact, making Dean even more suspicous, enough to pull him aside for private talk like 4x16, and finally rebelling. Not a brilliant move for Heaven, that's for sure ;p

> [Anonymous asked:](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/126541904153/whats-the-importance-of-cas-insisting-dean-to-say) What’s the importance of Cas insisting Dean to say the vow out loud in 4x21? Combined with the long crane shot, that line had a lot of emphasis, but the vow doesn’t seem to have any binding what with Dean fucking up the script in 4x22? Was Cas just being weirdly insistent as a left over from brainwashing? 

I am just going to answer these together (well I had a go at the second one without having seen the episode yet) while I’m watching, so consider this basically part of[ my rewatch](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/126615669553/spn-hellatus-rewatch-4x22-im-sad-because-no-more) but with the first half of the episode’s Destiel stuff yoinked out of it… :P

* * *

I’ve always got the weird feeling like Cas was being punished through at least the early section of the episode. He shows up with a “Hello Dean” and it’s implied he’s the one who fetched Dean from Bobby’s to the Green Room, but the significant dialogue starts after Dean seems to be alone and looking around, and then he turns and Cas has returned with Zach. Zach then leads the dialogue, so it seems quite likely Cas flew off to fetch him, and is only here with them because he’s being made to witness the conversation as he has no contribution in this scene.

He kind of just lurks in the background to start with:

Considering the whole arc for a great deal of the season has him steadily getting in more and more trouble for liking Dean, and Zach knows more than Cas about what the plans are for Dean, he’s having his cake and eating it with the two of them. Cas has to stand silently and watch Zach gloat to Dean about having everything under control and ready to go for the apocalypse, without either of them understanding why he’s so delighted or what role Dean will play OR that Zach even intends to let the apocalypse happen. If things had gone to plan and Dean was compliant, Cas basically would have seen him possessed by Michael by the end of the day.

After he says that all the seals have fallen (except the obvious one) we get this shot of Zach:

He’s in on it and Cas n Dean know nothing - they’re blurry background characters to his grand design. It also emphasises that Cas is still in the room… and doing nothing. As Zach moves around and talks for the next whole minute, there’s little moments where we see Cas in focus and he’s just standing to attention staring at nothing through the entire long discussion, making it clear that he’s not a participant in this conversation. Even when he was being bossed around by Uriel he still had some valid contribution - his sympathy to Dean was something the angels used to get Dean’s cooperation in 4x16 - as anon 1 says, the way Dean got talked into doing it then was because he saw Cas was suffering with the situation as much as he was, and talked privately. Now, though, Zach is doing all the talking and commanding the stage, and Cas isn’t contributing anything at all, or even seeming to be paying attention to the conversation, since his eye line stays level and not focussed on either Zach or Dean.

Finally after a ton of back and forth, we get this: 

> ZACHARIAH  
> Have faith.
> 
> DEAN  
> What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should.
> 
> ZACHARIAH  
> Because you swore your obedience. So obey.

To which Dean glances over Zach’s shoulder at Cas, and we get Cas’s moment of silent apology when Dean finally catches his eye and Cas can’t keep his gaze:

Like with last episode after he dobbed in Anna and showed regret afterwards, here he finally makes it obvious that his conversation in 4x21 with Dean was a set up and he resents that hugely. I’m not sure exactly what Cas making him repeat those exact words does but it clearly was some sort of verbal contract (which was the only thought I had last night in the first attempt to answer anon 2 where I got sidetracked about how it was sealed with a negative space kiss :P). As there are a lot of unspoken or unexplored rules about permission in this show (for example Azazel saying he needed actual demon deals to get access to the special children) perhaps they couldn’t even have taken Dean to the Green Room in the first place without him agreeing to let them.

(Which also would explain why Cas, as the one who was sent to get that permission from him, would be the one present when Dean was first brought there if he was linked to him THROUGH making him sign that oath and was sort of bound to be the one to collect him, since they’re already sort of connected already with the hand print. It’s interesting just how intertwined they are by the end of the season and how much of that is Heaven’s fault and how much Heaven EXPLOITS that like Cas regretfully asking Dean to torture Alastair when he doesn’t want him to do it, or making him agree to this very carefully worded contract to do as Heaven says. And then that all bites them on the ass when Cas rebels because he’s got too attached to Dean.) 

I also sort of think that Dean swearing this is probably step 1 to his compliance to Heaven that would lead to him being a vessel, since this could have been where Michael possessed him if Cas hadn’t rebelled, and so in 99 Problems when he does the true servant of Heaven thing, we already have him having “given himself over wholly to Heaven” back then, and that idea is repeated (though mostly unstated) and then it’s revealed through that Dean has made up his mind to go along with Heaven’s plans (and as with 4x21 where he said “if I do this Sammy doesn’t have to?” he wanted to stop the apocalypse before Lucifer possessed Sam then), so once again this idea about Dean being in the service of Heaven comes up shortly before he is in the Green Room with Michael looking in ready to take his vessel. And makes the “I rebelled for this” also very clearly a link back to 4x22: I think all these elements from this episode and the last come up over again in Point of No Return, and making the link from Cas’s apologetic look here to that scene is sort of important for understanding his whole motivation throughout relating to the rebellion. It was literally making Dean say that one thing that led to Dean being here and Cas’s regret is the start of it all. He’s as forced to be there as Dean is to start with, even if he can come and go, he’s mentally imprisoned… They kind of break out together. :3

* * *

Aah, the first failed Burger Date, where Dean is plied with food and beer - more than he could ever eat or drink at once - to keep him complacent and happy.

Headcanon that Dean stealin’ Cas’s burger in 10x09 was long long long overdue payback for Cas grabbing him and kicking off the whole rebelling against Heaven thing riiiight when Dean was about to give in and FINALLY eat one.

* * *

(Gosh it’s El Sol beer. I’m sure that’s not ominous that this is a scam.)

* * *

> ZACHARIAH  
> Try a burger. They’re your favorite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were 11, I think.
> 
> DEAN  
> I’m not hungry.
> 
> ZACHARIAH  
> No? How about Ginger from season 2 of “Gilligan’s Island”? You do have a thing for her, don’t you?
> 
> DEAN  
> Tempting. Weird.

Going with the idea of control and stuff, Zach demonstrates very clearly with these offers that he is deep in Dean’s head: it’s a good way to show that he’s got him under his thumb while seeming friendly. 

* * *

Sam’s creepy log cabin of the week meanwhile. It’s a dark and dirty room with a live fire, all the candles, and boarded up windows. It’s actually kind of what the Van Nuys room looks like when we see it from the outside next season (if an old office unit)… I think the boarded up windows make it kind of likely they re-use the set from 4x09 where Ruby first talked Sam onto the mission? Probably not an accidental re-use. :P 

Anyway, Sam uses his powers to torture some more, because why not. He’s in full scary mode, and seeing it as a suicide mission probably (or thereabouts) he’s just not giving a crap about being “good” about this. Full ends justify the means mode enabled, and maybe a little bit of giving into his dark powers because why not.

* * *

Dean is desperately trying to get ahold of him while he’s doing this, so the parallel of what Sam is actually up to in the background is so painful. Dean’s trying to talk him back for the sake of his humanity - and conceding that Sam isn’t a monster.

(And then, you know, the fact the message turns into telling him that he IS a monster.)

* * *

> SAM  
> You’ll tell me where she is?
> 
> DEMONIC NURSE  
> Fine. Fine. Just… let me die.
> 
> SAM  
> Deal.

Ahaha Sam making deals with a demon but, like, not.

So much not.

* * *

> DEMONIC NURSE  
> Don’t forget – it’s not just me you’re bleeding. In fact, I think I’m gonna take a little… siesta in the subconscious – hand over the wheel for a little bit. 

And all Ruby can say is “great”.

Poor Cindy. :( I’m not sure if we don’t talk about her much because we have to acknowledge that Sam killed her and drank her blood? Like? It happens off screen but it had to happen for the plot to happen… And I think that was what tipped him over to full demon eyes, not just using his powers to kill Lilith.

Ugh. 

I don’t wanna talk about it. :P

* * *

> AZAZEL  
> Father, look… I’m not exactly the praying type, but still… 

Ahahahahahaha.

For the ongoing Dean and Azazel parallels.

I mean Dean is the one he interacted with with much more interest in 1x22, and 4x03 he got all up in his face again. Azazel had an interest in Dean, and I wonder if it was because despite Sam being the chosen vessel blah blah all the myth arc stuff, Dean reminded him of a gross good version of himself with all his horrible righteousness and heroic traits and other stuff demons don’t like. :P

Which makes Dean being the one to shoot him an instance of Dean killing one of his mirrors. :P

I’m just enjoying this parallel; I somehow never realised it before, especially when Azazel kept possessing family members or spending more attention on Sam because that was their plot.

* * *

Are ALL the dead nuns talking? This is creepy. :P Imagine if Lucifer manifested as an army of dead nuns. Cracky OTT horror season 5.

* * *

> SAM  
> Get this.   
> St. Mary’s – abandoned in '72 after a priest disemboweled eight nuns. 
> 
> RUBY  
> What’s black and white and red all over?
> 
> SAM  
> That’s not funny.

Ruby’s like “that’s totally funny” and, uh, after worrying about Sam’s moral slide, I laughed. Whoops. 

Sad for the “get this” occurring between them.

Sam’s acting like 100% “normal” like, this isn’t even weird for him. High on demon blood talking to his demon girlfriend with a demon restrained on the table behind him just with the force of his powers… Nah, just gonna do regular research and say “get this” and bitch about off-colour jokes.

* * *

Cindy. :<

* * *

Aaah man, Dean does the thing with the angel and my heart breaks just like the ridiculous statue.

What foreshadowing. :P 

Cas’s guilt in the previous scene he was in basically told Dean that the contract he agreed to last episode was binding and has screwed him over - and Cas doesn’t like it. And it’s that guilt which makes Dean once again realise there’s more to the story with Cas. He’s asked to see him, but Cas is still playing along and refuses to let Dean out, and makes Dean realise that he’s definitely imprisoned now.

* * *

> DEAN  
> You know what? Screw this noise. I’m out of here.
> 
> CASTIEL  
> Through what door?

Honestly the most enjoyably menacing Cas ever gets. :P

* * *

> CINDY  
> Let me out! Let me out! (thumping on the roof of the trunk)
> 
> SAM  
> God, I wish she would just shut up.

Have I mentioned how much I don’t like Sam’s attitude? I don’t know if he’s just embracing being dark or disassociating from the morality at stake and focussing on what to do in the moment or what, but this is… disturbingly casual. The only thing he really seems to care about is the message Dean sent him - it sort of ends up being his tether over whether he does or doesn’t do the evil thing at the end.

Ugh. 

We go from 4x21 and me having overflowing sad Sam feels to me just… Ugh. :P

* * *

> ZACHARIAH  
> Quit hurling feces like a howler monkey, would you? It’s unbecoming. 

What is with angels always comparing us to monkeys? >:(

* * *

> ZACHARIAH  
> Like I told you: too dangerous out there. Demons on the prowl.
> 
> DEAN  
> I’ve been getting my ass kicked all year. Now you’re sweating my safety? You’re lying. I want to see my brother.

This is one of those moments where Dean is very smart and works it all out and basically forces Zach to admit what’s going on to try and keep him in line with the idea of crushing inevitability rather than obscuring information from him. (So you know, the John Winchester approach doesn’t work on Dean either :P)

Thinking of crushing inevitability, I’ve been waiting months to do this :P

  


That episode right back at the very start of season 2 where Sam gave up and embraced the hunting life and disowned the idea that he’d ever be normal and so on… Hm. :P

> ZACHARIAH  
> Our grunts on the ground – we couldn’t just tell them the whole truth. We’d have a full-scale rebellion on our hands. I mean, think about it. Would we really let 65 seals get broken unless senior management wanted it that way? 

I mean technically Zach does imply Cas would have rebelled just to know this fact but if you believe that’s all after their huge arc establishing their relationship that’s a very dull way to look at this episode when all of Cas’s development has been about personal relationships and Anna and Dean have helped him along the way. :P

* * *

The way the colour disappears from this scene so slowly though. You would barely notice it’s there.

The paintings just changed as well. 

Hello horrifying apocalypse art. 

* * *

OKAY BUT THIS:

> You have larger concerns. Why do you think I’m confiding in you? You’re still vital, Dean. We weren’t lying about your destiny. Just… omitted a few pertinent details. But nothing’s changed. You are chosen. You will stop it. Just… not Lilith, or the apocalypse. That’s all. 

* * *

I like how Zach plays it off as showing it’s about Lucifer, and not mentioning the whole… that’s Michael thing. And yet the camera angle basically completely omits the devil at the bottom and focusses entirely on Michael.

I’m sure art historians could probably tell us why Lucifer’s foot is in Michael’s crotch.

* * *

Zach looks juuuuuuust a little unhinged as he says “God has left the building”. 

* * *

I can not be bothered to assign complex motivations or headcanons to an intentionally bland white dude in a suit. Zach’s just a dick. I don’t care why he wants this to happen. :P

* * *

Oh hello it’s this conversation. :D

> DEAN  
> What are you gonna do to Sam?
> 
> CASTIEL  
> Nothing. He’s gonna do it to himself.

So how much DOES Cas know? Is he one of those grunts on the ground Zach was talking about or has he been in on it at least since he got reprogrammed? I suppose there are other angels off-screen who’ve been trying to stop the seals breaking (see also: my theory that Uriel was led to sow dissent among them and basically cause fuck ups that stopped seals being saved, but looking like it was all coming from within, not from high up where it would be obvious the archangels were just waiting for this to happen).

I guess Cas has to know since he let Sam out and all his mournful looks since then have been knowing what he’s getting Dean into… It’s probably what he discovered at the start of 4x20. Once he knew he was dragged into line so that if he knew he might as well HELP.

Zach indirectly implied Cas is pretty important (maybe he took Anna’s old job) so him as a frontline tool makes sense. After all that was what he was when he was oblivious. 

And I suppose if Cas already knows that makes it easier for Dean to convince him later in this argument. 

…

I always assumed Zach’s line applied to Cas but I think it’s more complicated than that.

* * *

> DEAN  
> Why are you here, Cas?
> 
> CASTIEL  
> We’ve been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry it ended like this.

Never over that Cas had no good reason to be there except that he felt bad. Still. And came for an unsolicited chat, got a lecture, and ended up rebelling because he felt  _sorry_.

Yeah, it takes him a looong time to reach the level of empathetic human remorse he calls on more later, but he has never been unfeeling or anything. And he DID feel bad. He got fond of Dean, and then got in TROUBLE for being close to Dean, and even after being reprogrammed to fall back in line… When he had nothing better to do, he came to say SORRY. 

Argh.

Just kill me with Cas feels today.

* * *

*giggles at the totally unconvincing TV punch* it’s like how Cas and Uriel fought in that styrofoam room in 4x18.

* * *

Okay but Dean deliberately and carefully catching Cas’s eye when he looks away and drawing his gaze.

OKAY BUT DEAN GRABBING CAS’S SHOULDER AND VIOLENTLY ROTATING HIM.

I have just checked and apparently I still do the ridiculous OTP moment flutter in this scene where I kind of try to flap out of my chair on witnessing them being intense. :P

* * *

> CASTIEL  
> Try to understand – this is long foretold. This is your…
> 
> DEAN  
> Destiny? Don’t give me that “holy” crap. Destiny, God’s plan… It’s all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It’s just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what’s real? People, families – that’s real. And you’re gonna watch them all burn?

And today on Dean vs destiny… :3

Also: Cas x humanity.

If we’re keeping score. :P

Although.

> CASTIEL  
> What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You’ll be at peace. Even with Sam. 

He currently thinks humanity is better off with Paradise when it happens and that Dean should be content with the promise of it too, because that’s just what he thinks people want and what is best for them, because that’s what he’s been told is the most desired end.

> DEAN  
> You were gonna help me once, weren’t you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me – now. Please. 

*sobbing*

I notice the thing about humanity is deeply buried back in this conversation by now before it gets personal. :P

Then it gets REALLY personal. I wonder what worked on Cas. :P

> CASTIEL  
> I do that, we will all be hunted. We’ll all be killed.
> 
> DEAN  
> If there is anything worth dying for… this is it.  
> You spineless…   
> …soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You’re already dead. We’re done.
> 
> CASTIEL  
> Dean –
> 
> DEAN  
> We’re done!

I feel like this is partially a “you hurt his feelings” moment. :P The “Dean” is a lot like the way Cas says his name in 4x18 but this time when Dean is storming off he doesn’t turn around and hear Cas out - if Cas had a plan already in this moment. And so Cas flaps off and Dean thinks they really are done.

I guess Destiel ends here guys? It was nice while it lasted.

* * *

> DEAN’S VOICE  
> Listen to me, you bloodsucking freak. Dad always said I’d either have to save you or kill you. 

Aah I forgot that they expressly mentioned this ultimatum. Cool cool. More John is awful stuff. :P

There’s the whole unanswered question about if Ruby or Zach changed the message but have you considered Zach understanding assets and resources like a good manager, and going to Ruby and conspiring with her?

I think you should consider it.

* * *

*faint sounds of Cindy screaming before we cut back to Dean wondering if he should just rage-eat a burger*

* * *

I like how Cas is all “shh” to Dean (I mean he kind squooshes his whole face) but then in like 3 seconds Zach shows up like the teacher who popped out of the room for a minute so he was clearly watching the whole thing, so Cas basically just shushed Dean with violent wall-slamming because he couldn’t be bothered to have another argument.

* * *

I think they just became best friends. :P

* * *

I am assuming Cas’s “Dean” back then would have been to tell him that Lilith is the final seal?

* * *

Oh Chuck. >.> I suppose if you’re completely convinced it’s the end of the world…

> CHUCK  
> Yeah, but you guys aren’t supposed to be there. You’re not in this story. 

… Does he just mean Dean was in the Green Room being boring so he didn’t write it, or does he mean that he couldn’t SEE what was happening to Dean, or is Dean already off-book thanks to 4x18 so much so that the random butterfly effect from that changed his and Cas’s conversation in the Green Room to inspire Cas to rebel?

Or does he just mean that Dean n Cas aren’t in this  _part_ of the story (re: where Sam is) and are supposed to be off in the Green Room/ wherever Cas goes when he doesn’t have anything better to do…

> CASTIEL  
> Yeah, well… We’re making it up as we go. 

*loud yelling about the official formation of Team Free Will*

…

I hope Bobby is okay. I can’t remember if he accounted for what he was up to before 5x01 catches up with him again.

* * *

I’m talking about weird stuff because there’s just no way to articulate what this series of iconic Destiel moments does to my heart. :P

It’s like, well, duh, this is what it was all for and here we are.

* * *

Which is sort of what Dean’s look when “we’re making it up as we go” is said is about probably. :P

(I don’t think he fell in love in the sort of way he could even begin to not articulate at this point but if there was a moment it starts here for him :P)

* * *

You know, that clunky long deleted scene with Cas and Chuck is all well and good where they discuss Cas’s motivations and all, but it just seems out of place to have the light going all that time. I am 99% sure they JUST wanted the awkward shoulder touch without any context but didn’t want to clue them in Chuck was God early, so filmed the clunky dialogue (this is written AND directed by Kripke) and then chopped everything but the shoulder touch. Leaves us with a one second long scene were Chuck does the shoulder touch making it the only focus of the scene.

Food for thought. :P

* * *

Scary Sam.

Lilith looks kinda bored by being thrown around by him.

Aw Sam, don’t do it. 

He never listens when I ask.

* * *

Doesn’t listen when Dean asks either.

* * *

Poor random dental hygienist who unknowingly donated the blood to start the apocalypse.

* * *

Sam it’s a bit late to ask “What the Hell”

* * *

I can’t believe Sam is actually an awkward dork about freeing Lucifer.

… Can you get second hand embarrassment for starting the apocalypse? Sam makes this just seem embarrassing. 

* * *

Lucifer is pretty much free. I feel bad for Ruby. She could have been an awesome character next season (i.e. even just the continuity of using her instead of Meg even though that was a small part? But maybe have her do more? I guess 2 seasons was enough of having her around for the writers. >.>)

Anyway she really doesn’t seem to know Sam’s just a meatsuit for Lucifer and that’s kinda tragic because now she has her cool demon boyfriend and she’s all excited about how awesome she is…

Also not sure Cas knew what Dean was for? Which is also tragic because he kind of bigged up Dean’s role in 4x16 as well. Everyone with these high expectations for their boyfriends. :P

* * *

FINALLY Dean gets through the door.

I feel like we do not have a thing about Dean vs doors? Sam had a whole arc. Cas was just like nah fuck doors for the entire of season 10.

No one ever has words about Dean and doors?

* * *

His rage face gives me life. Not sure if he looks angrier than just before Cas grabbed him though?

This episode: things Dean hates

  * that burger
  * Ruby
  * Zach’s face



* * *

Bye Ruby :(

(Hi Lucifer)

Always intrigued by how Sam just kinda stands there like “he’s coming”… We never hear about it but I wonder if Lucifer was sort of tuned into him and already calling out to him? I mean he was supposed to be right there ready to be possessed…

Anyway, THERE is a cliffhanger that makes me glad I thought the show was cancelled for nearly 3 years after season 3 so got to marathon this whole lot in one go.

SUCKS TO BE YOU PEOPLE WHO WATCHED LIVE.

I am extremely dizzy. More apocalypse to follow… later. I am awarding myself 100 points for making it to the end. :P


End file.
